To wonder if giving any breast milk is that important?

[Tiredstressedmum]

Posting on AIBU for traffic.

I’m a FTM to a gorgeous ten day old.

Prior to delivery, DH and I did a lot of research into feeding. We both read a lot of studies and reached the conclusion that any potential benefits of BFing are likely to be marginal; we couldn’t find any conclusive swings in outcomes for BFing and found a lot of the outcomes were confounded out by factors such as socioeconomic status and parental behaviours. I reached the conclusion that I would try BFing but be quick to switch to formula if it wasn’t working for us, although secretly was confident it would work and I’d have one of those snuggly milky newborns all mumsnetters seem to have .

As it turned out, the birth did not go to plan and BFing was really hard; I don’t think LO ever had a feed (lots of latch issues) and was on top up formula from day 1. Feeding was becoming distressing for both of us and I could feel myself becoming very anxious, low and obsessive about it despite a lot of midwife support. On day four, DH bought formula and we had several days of bliss.

However, despite our previous research I felt (and still feel) wracked with guilt about being selfish and depriving LO of a good start. I decided to try pumping with good effect and have started replacing one or two bottles a day with breast milk. This sounds good in theory but LO is very unsettled after these feeds and ends up constantly crying (screaming) / taking top up breast milk until the next formula feed ‘resets’ her. I’m worried my attempts to assuage my own guilt are actually leaving her hungry and possibly causing digestive issues and discomfort.

I can’t find any information on how much breast milk is beneficial (have seen as low as 50 mL quoted a lot but no idea where this comes from) and whether my feeding regime is actually helping her in any way at all. AIBU to wonder whether giving her these bottles of breast milk is really helpful to her or whether I’m just complicating her feeding to make myself feel better?! It’s so psychologically difficult to be producing good milk for her and not giving it to her. Selfishly, I also fear judgement from other parents and professionals - I wish I could be wonderfully logical and rational like DH, who thinks formula is the best thing ever, but I’m just full of emotions and guilt and it’s stopping me enjoying my darling. Every time she cries (which is a fair bit because she’s a baby!) I end up crying too because I’m worried she’s hungry and I’ve deprived her, and DH ends up taking over.

I should add that I’m finding combination the worst of both worlds. With EBF, I’d pop her on the breast as soon as she was fussy. With FF, she was fairly consistently satisfied and we could be confident that if she was unsettled immediately post feed it probably wasn’t hunger. With combination, we have no real idea and she seems constantly ravenous even though she’s getting 2-3x more breast milk by quantity in each feed than formula…

I empathise totally and in retrospect wish I had switched formula much earlier. I remember hiding the formula and bottles from the midwives when they did a home visit to avoid judgement.

Have you tried mixing breast and formula milk?

Why would a bottle of breast milk make her unhappy though? If you’re giving her a similar amount to when she has formula then why would she be hungry? If you want to formula feed then just formula feed you don’t need anyones permission. But there are some small benefits to having breast milk in the early days particular from an immunity perspective.

If she seems constantly ravenous then she’s probably got reflux. You may actually be over feeding her because you’re assuming she’s always hungry whereas babies at this age like to suckle for comfort and if their tummies are very full then they will have reflux. Try feeding much smaller quantities but more often if needed and use a dummy in between.

Sorry just to add if she’s having twice as much breast milk as formula then she’s not ravenous after a feed. Breast milk is no less filling, yes it’s digested slightly quicker but she cannot possibly be ravenous after having twice the amount that she seems settled on with formula.

breastmilk and formula are very different, and probably like having a nice greek salad at one meal then a Chinese takeaway at the other- so yes she may seem unsettled and want more after BMilk but that's because its being digested more easily as its tailor made for her... the simple fact that breastmilk is made by humans for human babies is surely enough "evidence" for the benefits, and the antibodies are specific to the stuff YOU (and thus your baby) encounter... It seems you wanted evidence against BFing for some reason, weirdly, and you and your husband got it. Apparently. But you're a mammal, so perhaps the instinct to provide your baby with your milk is just edging in...

Can you feed from the breast directly? as in does baby take to that? I wondered if you could just try to relax into it a bit- let your baby feed when hungry and take the pressure and scheduling out of the way? You've already done amazing in growing and birthing a human, trust that you can feed her too...and if not there is a great back-up for you...no guilt needed.

It's not. It just really isn't.
You'll get the breastfeeding hardcore on here (and any parenting forum) telling you it is, science, research blah blah blah.
But it really isn't.

If you want to, look into the actual figures, the benefits over formula are negligible at best, and most importantly, your mental health matters more.

I almost killed myself trying to breastfeed (not a figure of speech, it annihilated my mental health and I didn't want to be here anymore).
It's not worth it. Enjoy your baby. Feed however you want to, wether that be getting more support and persevering with trying to bf or moving to formula, but don't lose these early months of enjoying your baby by obsessing over breastfeeding.

Oh, and congratulations! You've just grown and delivered a baby, you're amazing!

(For reference, my baby is 3 months old and I could only combi feed due to numerous issues with myself and baby, he's now fully formula and I feel much better and I feel zero guilt over it. He's my 9th baby, I've done this many times. I've had successful breastfeeding experiences and heartbreaking ones. I'm not beating myself up over it anymore).

I’m unsure but she seems ravenous constantly after it and is consistently
unsettled after the breast bottles. She requires far more breast milk at each feed to settle and we end up just constantly topping it up in between her screams. I’m assuming this is related to the different digestion of breast milk and that she needs to take a lot more. It just throws her whole feeding off schedule and she seems so unhappy ..

I'm so sorry that feeding has been difficult for you. Congratulations on the birth of your beautiful baby.
Is it possible that your baby is not getting sufficient hindmilk to satisfy them?This is the milk which is produced near the end of the feed and seems to give them a soporific effect. I'm guessing that you need to express for a certain period of time to get this milk.
My children were breastfed but I wouldn't have expressed until they were much older.You obviously have particular reasons for wanting to express at this stage.Has your community midwife been able to offer any advice.

There is absolutely no reason that your breast milk would unsettle her. I think you’re making a link where there isn’t one. That said, pumping and bottle feeding is a hard combo with none of the benefits for you that bf would have. Benefits for your baby definitely, but none of the ease and the happy hormones that you would get from actually feeding her directly. Would you consider trying to feed directly again? If not I’d probably just switch to formula.

Did not take long for the shaming post wrapped in condescension and faux concern to show up.

BF, express, formula feed, combo - just feed the baby and do what's best for her and you.

I had a traumatic birth and baby ended up in NICU. BFing was nigh on impossible after, the guilt and shame I felt and things I put myself through because of assholes spouting breast is best at whatever cost was insane.

My second was a section. He latched on, fed a little in the first two weeks alongside formula and is now formula fed. Everyone much happier all round.

No one really cares how you feed your kid. Just feed your kid.

What an awful response.

It's a good thing I didn't read that a couple of months ago when I was desperately hanging on to trying to continue bf even though it was effectively starving my baby, due to issues that had affected my supply severely.

Your babble is not needed. It's not the game changer that you breastfeeding enthusiasts make it out to be, it just really isn't.

Seriously, look at the actual facts and figures, not just statistics (which by the way, can be worded to make whatever point the person writing them wanted to make. I know this for a fact as my husband's job is statistic dependant and he's seen just how crafty you can get with them).

Greek salad Vs chinese takeaway.
Jesus Christ. What a vile comparison and what a horrible comment to make in general.

How about you just let people feed their babies and don't be so bloody judgemental.
My daughter (bf for 19 months) and my son (not bf at all) are no different.
I bonded the same with both, both are pretty much equal with their academic abilities, neither are obese.
Almost like some of those facts people like you LOVE to spout are utter horseshit. Who would have thought it 🤔

It's not. It just really isn't.
You'll get the breastfeeding hardcore on here (and any parenting forum) telling you it is, science, research blah blah blah.
But it really isn't.

I wonder why farmers think that it's really important for their animals to have colostrum.

Chinese takeaway 🙄

It's so so hard when their tiny, but if your crying multiple times a day, is it possible there's more going on, and the feeding is a red herring? How are you feeling at other times? If she's just fed, are you feeling anxious about other things? If so it might be worth talking to your midwife or health visitor.

To those mentioning trying to directly feed again - I know this is a far wiser solution if I want her to have my milk but I just don’t think I can. I was finding it so very stressful. I tried yesterday as she was settled on me and started rooting and it just escalated instantly into her screaming and thrashing and me crying - not a high oxytocin environment! I’d love to be stronger and persist and seek more qualified support but I panic and cry at the thought of latching her and just think it’ll wreck my mental health which already seems pretty wobbly after the birth. I genuinely don’t think I’m strong enough to keep trying.

Interested to hear the consensus that it isn’t the milk unsettling her; it just seems so temporally linked. I assumed it was to do with the different ways breast milk and formula milk are taken and that trying to alternate between the two isn’t a good idea. Maybe I should be adding my milk to her formula bottles, I don’t know ..

It's not a matter of being stronger OP, you're already bloody strong. You've just created and birthed another human FFS.

Do what's best for you. FWIW switching to formula altogether made everything smoother and more predictable with feeds and both my babies were happier and fuller. Sometimes that's just the way it is.

I wonder why farmers think that it's really important for their animals to have colostrum.

ODFOD. Women are not cows or birthing machines.

Do not feel racked with guilt, absolutely no need, honestly. Switch to full time formula, relax, and enjoy your baby.

Honestly ? Stop..you sound like a lovely mum but are now massively overthinking this. You are bottle feeding your lovely baby..your DH sounds really hands on. She's thriving and all is good.i just wouldn't tie myself up in knots about breastfeeding and move on. (I completely understand where you are coming from though). Breast feeding is only a very small part of your baby's life.... Enjoy you little one.

Congratulations on baby!!!

Personally, I feel if it’s got that distressing then it’s time to fully FF. These days are so precious and you don’t want to look back with sadness.

disclaimer - I EBF for 16m, rough start didn’t settle properly until 11ws. I was in pain, baby was fine hence why we kept on.
If either one of us was distressed we would have moved to FF - my baby didn’t need an upset mum, I didn’t need upset baby.

IMO while BF is hard to establish, FF is also hard/fiddly (we used FF from 16m, arse ache tbh) neither is an easy route so don’t feel guilt for that.

Fed is best.

P.S - in case it helps you can always call La Leche for help, they were great. We had tongue tie, poor latch, over supply, boob preference, blisters (me). Nipple shields also saved us for a few weeks but hindered baby weight gain and had to relearn not to use them hence long time for BF to settle.

I’m not sure you can mix Milk.

Personally I wouldn’t bother.

I plan to BF again (7m preg) but I’m not beating myself up if it goes wrong, I prefer that we are all happy, fed and content.

My drive to BF is based on convenience, I’m not convinced the health benefits are as sacred as portrayed.

I'd just switch to formula full time.

My 2 seem to have managed ok despite never having a drop of Breast Milk

I had a traumatic delivery, baby had jaundice and was tube fed. I desperately tried to breast feed, pumped for hours etc.
After 7 days inpatient in hospital a kind midwife said just give her a bottle of formula and you can go home.
It consumed a lot of my head space early on and like others have said I was embarrassed to be seen bottle feeding.
Shes 17 now and I never think about it. She has always been fit and healthy - at primary school rest of class would be felled and she was bomb proof. Obviously totally anecdotal but above all just enjoy your baby don’t beat self up. You do what you think is best for both of you and baby will be fine. Congratulations and best wishes.

These threads take me right back to DD1. Fed her til she was eight weeks old to the detriment of my mental health. It ruined those first months.
In hindsight I wish I'd gone straight to bottle.
Second DD I was prepared to give BF a go but had no expectations.
Miraculously she BF without any issue.
Different babies different experiences.
If you feel, for whatever reason, that FF is best for all of you then go ahead. No guilt should be felt.
Your first few months with baby are so precious and I regret so much losing that because of my guilt.

As they say, 'FED IS BEST' 💐