To wonder if giving any breast milk is that important?

[Tiredstressedmum]

Posting on AIBU for traffic.

I’m a FTM to a gorgeous ten day old.

Prior to delivery, DH and I did a lot of research into feeding. We both read a lot of studies and reached the conclusion that any potential benefits of BFing are likely to be marginal; we couldn’t find any conclusive swings in outcomes for BFing and found a lot of the outcomes were confounded out by factors such as socioeconomic status and parental behaviours. I reached the conclusion that I would try BFing but be quick to switch to formula if it wasn’t working for us, although secretly was confident it would work and I’d have one of those snuggly milky newborns all mumsnetters seem to have .

As it turned out, the birth did not go to plan and BFing was really hard; I don’t think LO ever had a feed (lots of latch issues) and was on top up formula from day 1. Feeding was becoming distressing for both of us and I could feel myself becoming very anxious, low and obsessive about it despite a lot of midwife support. On day four, DH bought formula and we had several days of bliss.

However, despite our previous research I felt (and still feel) wracked with guilt about being selfish and depriving LO of a good start. I decided to try pumping with good effect and have started replacing one or two bottles a day with breast milk. This sounds good in theory but LO is very unsettled after these feeds and ends up constantly crying (screaming) / taking top up breast milk until the next formula feed ‘resets’ her. I’m worried my attempts to assuage my own guilt are actually leaving her hungry and possibly causing digestive issues and discomfort.

I can’t find any information on how much breast milk is beneficial (have seen as low as 50 mL quoted a lot but no idea where this comes from) and whether my feeding regime is actually helping her in any way at all. AIBU to wonder whether giving her these bottles of breast milk is really helpful to her or whether I’m just complicating her feeding to make myself feel better?! It’s so psychologically difficult to be producing good milk for her and not giving it to her. Selfishly, I also fear judgement from other parents and professionals - I wish I could be wonderfully logical and rational like DH, who thinks formula is the best thing ever, but I’m just full of emotions and guilt and it’s stopping me enjoying my darling. Every time she cries (which is a fair bit because she’s a baby!) I end up crying too because I’m worried she’s hungry and I’ve deprived her, and DH ends up taking over.

My DH has reminded me that she had blood sugar levels at birth hence the push to feed her. I’d totally forgotten!

Oh God love you OP you really did go through the wars ❤I'm so sorry you had such a hard time and want to punch the 'lack of effort' posters hard because it is SO DAMN HARD being a first time mum at all, never mind going through what you went through, and everything feels raw and sore and feeding feels like the whole world when it's not going well, and someone sneering about the lack of effort when you've tried SO HARD kicks right in the worst and most painful emotional places.

You are amazing, You are doing everything right and you are doing what's right for you and your baby. Don't listen to the absolutists on either side.

And it's fine to keep pumping even if it were just 'to make you feel better' - how you feel is important, it is every bit as important to your baby's wellbeing as what you feed them. Which you recognised which is why you've stopped torturing yourself trying to breastfeed when it was upsetting you so much. And it's fine to stop pumping, whenever you're ready to.

Seriously this thread has made me want to dust off my ABM peer supporter credentials and get back into volunteering, because it disappoints me how many people on the 'pro breastfeeding' side of this thread have seen fit to shame and goad you, a mother who is working so hard to choose what is best for her child. Supporting breastfeeding HAS to start with supporting mothers, even when that means supporting mothers in their decision not to breastfeed. All of it begins with the mother, and the baby can't be ok if the mum isn't ok.

Al the best to you OP, I hope your path becomes easier now you know what you want to do, and that you enjoy your gorgeous baby!

It's normal to be topless (at home and in hospital at least) as a new mum in the part of Africa where my first was born too. New mums also typically spend the first few weeks at their mother's house doing absolutely nothing but breastfeeding and resting.

Thank you, and for all your input and advice

I breast fed my first for 10 days. It was actually so traumatic I was ill, he was unhappy etc etc. Switched to vottle. Didn't do combine feeding just switched. My dh could them help. We shared night feeds etc

That child is now their 30s.

It's fine. Do what you need to do

The early weeks are so tough op, and bf is sold as the easiest most natural thing in the world but it is hard!

I found in the early weeks my ds would have nursed for 10hrs a day some days on and off. This builds supply and its also just a comfort thing for them at times. I'd also say that breastmilk is 'lighter' than formula and digested quickly so baby will want to nurse again sooner after a breastmilk feed than a formula feed because of its make up. I hrtft but I would try paced feeding if you haven't already. Ds would have gobbled his bottle of pumped milk and then cried for more (and taken in lots of air in the process) until we started doing paced feeding. Now he takes 2oz at a time (every 2 hrs) much slower and is more satisfied he's 8mths old so I'd be careful of how much expressed milk you're giving. Is she spitting up a lot?

If you want to (and you don't have to there is nothing wrong at all with solely using formula) you could request a referral to the lactation consultant attached to the hospital you gave birth in for 1-1 support. I'd also consider joining a la leche league group because the info around combi feeding can be confusing and there will be lots of mums in those support groups who have combi fed for a whole range of reasons who can give you advice. I've found it really invaluable learning from their experiences.

I wouldn't be scared at all of reaching out for support, it's your choice how you feed your child and every family and circumstance is different. If you work with a LLL group or lactation consultant they will work to your goals which could be exclusively pumping for example. I would say it might be worth getting an assessment for tongue tie if you haven't already. Ds had one and it made latching really difficult and made him really colicky.

You're doing really well, the adaption to motherhood is HARD and if you're in the UK we have one of the lowest bf rates in the world so that means you're getting limited support and encouragement on top of the various challenges that come with it. Please don't be too hard on yourself the fact you care so much shows that you're an amazing mummy regardless of what way your baby is fed.

Goodness Op you have been through mill. Mine’s 17 now and your post brought back flashbacks for me. Posters who have had normal births have no ideas. That feeling of being hit by a bus, so worried about baby and getting so much conflicting advice.
I was out of it day dc born completely numb from neck down for hours.
I tried and tried to feed. So many midwives tried. I even managed to limp down a corridor to a breastfeeding class.
I pumped and pumped. Tried nipple shields. They manually yanked my boobs. She had some colostrum in a syringe.
Then it went from keep trying to your baby is seriously ill and needs tube feeding in what seemed like a split second. I was shown quickly once how to tube feed and expected to crack on..be careful she doesn’t aspirate.
Day 7 post birth I was still on the ward.. I’d been in 10 days at this point. A nice midwife said love just give her a bottle of formula so you can go home do I did.
I tried pumping at home, hired an expensive hospital grade pump, virtually no milk. Soon transitioned onto ff and dc thrived.
I honestly believe both myself and dc were just so traumatised by whole thing there was no chance of breast feeding working. It was nothing to do with being stronger or not trying.

It's reallllly hard to undo years of conditioning by the 'breast is best' movement OP, be kind to yourself. Even when you're smart and engaged enough to explore the research around the actual evidenced benefits of breastfeeding/formula feeding (which as you realise, don't really stack up with a lot of the myths out there, there's very little difference in the short term and zero in the long term) it's a real mindf*ck to hear 'breast is best' parroted for years and then end up not ebf-ing.

In time, it will settle for you, I believe. I found it helpful to spend time in spaces that are evidence-based when it comes to infant feeding, there's an amazing group on fb called 'fed is best' that was like a balm to my soul, being around other parents who were bf, ff, pumping, mix feeding, and there being no judgment or pressure either way. On the other side, when I spent time in spaces that were rabidly pro-bf ('liquid gold' 'rub it on everything' 'mummy's magic milk' 'antibodies' etc.) I found it very triggering emotionally and very irritating how patronising a lot of it is and how people will spread outright lies about bf to make it sound like an incredible thing.

It's just food. You're just giving your baby food either way. As long as you live in a country with access to safe drinking water and formula the difference to your baby is nil. There are some small benefits to bf in the short term. Funnily enough nobody preaches about the known benefits of ff in the short term! (Guaranteed calories, less chance of being admitted to hospital for failure to thrive, no issues around iron or vitamin d).

The day I learned that being exclusively breastfed was the number one risk factor for readmittance to hospital in newborns was the day the scales fell from my eyes.

I used to sob in frustration when well-meaning idiots would tell me 'keep going with bf! It gets easier!' because it did for them. Spoiler alert: it never did. Never.

You are more than a milk factory to your daughter OP, and your love for her is not measured in ounces. Feeding your baby is something we all do, it's a given, and matters not a jot how we go about it as long as they receive enough calories of formula or breast milk. It's absolutely wild how bf has become this mystical magical amazing 'gift' you're giving your child which will make them slender 6ft tall athletes with higher IQs and less chance of being obese lol. Other countries don't faff around patting themselves on the back for feeding their kids. They just get on with it. The impact you have on her life will be in the way you love, guide, raise, teach, and support her.

FF from birth
she was happy and fed, i could get more rest and share the load
she is now 13
zero regrets

I’m almost same demographic as you (my parents are British born), Londoner, breast feed and don’t recognise this here, my family that live IN the Caribbean or in my British African circle either…

And I don’t even know many people who FF.

Also, in London postnatal ward I was encouraged to get dressed into nightie (hotter than hades) I cannot imagine they would have been ok with me walking round boobs akimbo.

That's good to hear - I think it's really beneficial to do it that way

OP - I’m so sorry you’ve had to read so many judgemental posts, there is more to consider than just breast milk if the circumstances around it are difficult.

What matters is that you and your baby are fed, happy and content and I say this as some who did EBF but doesn’t feel it’s a holy grail esp if accompanied by tears and anguish.

I wish you all the best going forward.

By way of update:

DH and I have had a long talk. He wants me to feed the baby however I want, he was just worried that I was becoming so unhappy. We’ve agreed to retry a bottle or two of breast milk a day and re evaluate after a few days. In the interim, he won’t draw any inferences if she’s fussy after one of my bottles. He understands that I’d like to try for now to make myself feel better and to keep up my supply should I wish to attempt re establishing feeding.

We have seen the community midwife and feel more confident swapping out bottles.

LO has had a bottle of my milk in same amount as formula and is now totally settled and snoozing on me. I took the advice about the hind milk and pumped for ten minutes longer so hopefully that has helped!

I am grateful from advice from both sides. I’d like to reiterate again that I’m happy with the midwife support and she had to have formula shortly after birth as I was taking medication for pre eclampsia that can cause hypoglycaemia. I fully trust those who have looked after her and am grateful that I live in a trust that provides such support but also that no midwife has made me feel guilty about my decisions.

I am aware that this mixed feeding is probably not the best long term solution and am still unsure about just swapping full time to formula. However, we have nowhere to be, DH has good pat leave, I have good milk supply currently and we have plenty of room for trial and error.

Thanks again to those who suggested hindmilk as I hope that is what has done the trick!

There are also too many kind comments to reply to individually but please know I’ve read and been reassured by each one. To those who have also had issues with birth and feeding. It’s rubbish but also such a small part of our children’s lives!

Op, so glad you're feeling some of the comments on this thread are helpful. I've been a bit side-tracked by some of the side debates on the thread, but in answer to your question, I think the general thinking is that any amount of breastmilk is beneficial, even just one bottle a day, so if you feel good about persevering, you're doing a great thing! Combi feeding does work very well for many people. One thing I would say, is that the sooner you give your baby the milk you've pumped, the better, as some of the most beneficial, live components of the milk don't stay live after a certain amount of time in the fridge/freezer. You can look up the details of this x