To wonder if giving any breast milk is that important?

[Tiredstressedmum]

Posting on AIBU for traffic.

I’m a FTM to a gorgeous ten day old.

Prior to delivery, DH and I did a lot of research into feeding. We both read a lot of studies and reached the conclusion that any potential benefits of BFing are likely to be marginal; we couldn’t find any conclusive swings in outcomes for BFing and found a lot of the outcomes were confounded out by factors such as socioeconomic status and parental behaviours. I reached the conclusion that I would try BFing but be quick to switch to formula if it wasn’t working for us, although secretly was confident it would work and I’d have one of those snuggly milky newborns all mumsnetters seem to have .

As it turned out, the birth did not go to plan and BFing was really hard; I don’t think LO ever had a feed (lots of latch issues) and was on top up formula from day 1. Feeding was becoming distressing for both of us and I could feel myself becoming very anxious, low and obsessive about it despite a lot of midwife support. On day four, DH bought formula and we had several days of bliss.

However, despite our previous research I felt (and still feel) wracked with guilt about being selfish and depriving LO of a good start. I decided to try pumping with good effect and have started replacing one or two bottles a day with breast milk. This sounds good in theory but LO is very unsettled after these feeds and ends up constantly crying (screaming) / taking top up breast milk until the next formula feed ‘resets’ her. I’m worried my attempts to assuage my own guilt are actually leaving her hungry and possibly causing digestive issues and discomfort.

I can’t find any information on how much breast milk is beneficial (have seen as low as 50 mL quoted a lot but no idea where this comes from) and whether my feeding regime is actually helping her in any way at all. AIBU to wonder whether giving her these bottles of breast milk is really helpful to her or whether I’m just complicating her feeding to make myself feel better?! It’s so psychologically difficult to be producing good milk for her and not giving it to her. Selfishly, I also fear judgement from other parents and professionals - I wish I could be wonderfully logical and rational like DH, who thinks formula is the best thing ever, but I’m just full of emotions and guilt and it’s stopping me enjoying my darling. Every time she cries (which is a fair bit because she’s a baby!) I end up crying too because I’m worried she’s hungry and I’ve deprived her, and DH ends up taking over.

My almost 6 month old struggled to latch and so I pump and also provide formula bottles too, probably a 60/40 split in favour of breastmilk bottles. No issues with digestion and weight gain has been steady, following the same percentile.

So I think the crying after feeds might be unrelated.

But I know how hard it is and it is the worst of both worlds. 6 months was always my target and I can't keep sterilising pumps on top of weaning prep so I'm going to stop soon. I should be delighted to get this far but I still feel so so guilty. I think this must be a hormonal/biochemical mechanism to keep baby fed, even when it isn't required.

I don't type this to pat myself on the back but to say that the guilt is irrational and will probably be there whenever you decide to stop, so please be gentle with yourself 🙂

I think Fed is best, however you do it.
If baby is fed and happy, then Mum is more relaxed and happy too.
I breastfed two and FF one, so have done both.
I think encouraging everyone to have a go so baby get the colostrum is important, it's good for their healthy gut. We are just mammals like any other.
Unfortunately formula costs a lot so due to COL there are Mums who can't afford not to breastfeed or pump and do mix feeding, so we all do the best we can.
If FF will make you and baby happy, and you can afford to do it, then go ahead and do it.
The stress of being able to afford to feed the baby can be eased by Breastfeeding when a mother is able.
I think Formula should be subsidised for very low income families who aren't able to breastfeed. It would stop them from watering down feeds (as I've heard they do) and babies not getting the full nutrition they need.

Thank you for the comments re hindmilk. Definitely something to think about. I feel really stupid as I knew composition changed over a feed but just forgot in the moment.

@LaForza101 thanks for replying! would I be able to send you a message about how you made it work?

There were 3 reasons I bf. Mostly selfish. I have terrible periods and wanted to prolong the time without them. I was interested in the breast cancer risk reduction for me. My DH is obese and my DF is obese and I wanted to maximise any chance that my DC wouldn't be. Oh also I'm miserable and wouldn't pay for formula.

As far as research there is just so much information out there claiming benefits to the child that its hard to know what to trust. My best friend formula feeds and her DD is thriving and I see how much calmer it was at the start for her. My second never latched so I pumped for a year and absolutely loved it, actually much preferred that to direct feeding and he is 3 and my best pal now, hasn't affected bonding.

Breastfeeding reduces the risk of breast cancer: A call for action in high-income countries with low rates of breastfeeding Britta Stordal

OP please don't stress yourself about this. I was in a similar situation to yours. DS never latched, I was heartbroken, this guilt almost lead to PND. We put him on Formula,he is almost 2 now, on 99th centile for height and weight for his group. He is active, smart and a great problem solver for his age.
One of my observations is that most of the technological advancements comes from the countries with the lowest breastfeeding rates like UK, USA and Sweden etc, while you hear none of the breakthrough from the countries with highest breastfeeding rates like Burundi, Rwanda, Sri Lanka etc.
I don't think Breastfeeding or not leads to any difference in the outcomes for a child. Intelligence etc depend on the lifetime of hardwork from parents, genetics, child's own interest etc.
My friend was totally formula fed, now in 40s, studied at Oxbridge, high flying job, C level executive and six figure salary.
I wouldn't worry too much, just do whatever works for you ❤️ enjoy this time, it goes quick. All the best !

I had to express for almost 4 months and had no choice but to top up with formula.

I had a bit of breastmilk in the fridge, fresh, and ready made bottles.

I would feed whenever baby was hungry, then used a Mimjumi bottle which mimics breastflow to give expressed on demand milk, then moved to fridge milk, then freezer if I was fortunate enough to have some, then ready made, then the dreaded mixing of powder.

there's no need to mix them in the same bottle.

Haven't read all the replies so apologies if it's been mentioned but Emily Oster's book 'crib sheet' discuses all evidence on breastfeeding and comes to the same conclusion you and your husband did, basically that the benefits are marginal if at all and is your mental health is compromised by it then it's really not worth it. I get the guilt though, everywhere you look mothers are told it's best for their babies so the guilt is natural but try not to listen to the propaganda and do what's right for you.

Some elements of your descriptions sound like she could have silent reflux.

I combination fed for a while before fully switching to formula because my baby had silent reflux. Initially I started combination feeding as my baby lost too much of her birth weight and would just fall asleep on the boob. I personally didn’t feel judgement from anyone.

I remember a midwife telling me that there was nothing wrong with formula although some people think it is “the devils juice”. You do what works best for you as a family and a Mum and please just enjoy your baby. It’s such a special time.

Btw source for the rates of breastfeeding - https://www.unicef.org/press-releases/why-family-friendly-policies-are-critical-increasing-breastfeeding-rates-worldwide#:~:text=The%20highest%20rates%20were%20found,exclusive%20breastfeeding%20than%20urban%20babies.

Also, as a side note. My other half was a 70s baby and formula fed. He tells me mothers were at the time encouraged for formula feed. He is so rarely ill. Never seems to catch the colds I get. If he does he has a small sniffle for a day or 2 before being back to normal! I was the breastfed one!

@Tiredstressedmum Happy to chat. I've messaged you 🙂

The differences are at population level, fairly marginal, correlational, and confounded with lots of other criteria. I have one child who was bottlefed and one who was breastfed for a year. No difference in ability, health, etc. I can’t stress this enough - do what gives you the best chance of success, and by that I mean a well and contented baby and mother. You will get people on here telling you that you’re basically Beezlebub if you don’t breastfeed on demand until they’re 26, and others who think you should be feeding your baby a McDonalds chocolate milkshake from birth. The truth is that you do what works for you and your baby. You’re a mother now. You’re in charge.

I suspect that the reason your DD seems happier after FF is that formula is "heavier" and your DD has reflux. Reflux (esp with tongue tie) can make them fussier at the breast too and can make feeding a stressful experience. Breast milk is thinner (so easier to overfeed in a bottle - towards the end of a BF if baby is content baby will just be suckling tiny fatty drops, which is hard to replicate in a bottle) and more easily brought up when bottle fed. This doesn't mean you cannot BF - you could try infant gaviscon in your breastmilk bottles if you want to see if that helps?

Whatever you decide, your baby will be fine.

If you want to stop and just do formula that is totally ok. BUT I’d suggest getting a private lactation consultant who could help by helping you with latch, working out what’s going on that she seems hungry after BM (reflux ? Something else).

I also read lots into it pre baby and I started combi feeding and imagined I’d stop BF by 6 months. 16 months in we’re still BF (although I am very keen to stop soon). I found it hard for first few weeks we had issues with latch, tounge tie cut, and reflux and oversupply. I’ve seen lactation consultant multiple times.

But I definitely think for me it was worth it. i found BF really helped in times of sickness to comfort and I suspect the antibodies helped her be more resilient. I get many comments about how happy my baby is and I think overall BF has helped her be more content which has helped me be more content too. I agree the rest of supposed benefits long term sound negligible when adjusted for parents socio-economic Setup.,

Honestly I’d do all formula or all breast.

I bf all of my 3. My first was a dream, latched well from day one. I never had any problems at all for well over year. I loved the convenience of breast feeding so it was a real shock when my second was born. I had a section and my milk didn’t come in straight away. She screamed constantly for the first 2 days and was constantly latched on. The latch was terrible. I was in so much pain and bleeding. Every feed left me in tears. Had she been my first there is no way I would have carried on but luckily after a few weeks of nipple shields and expressing we got there.

Breast is better than formula. No matter what anyone says. Because it is a dynamic liquid that provides more than just nutrients, it also provide hormones and immune system functions and hydration. Formula does not do that. Formula doesn’t change based on needs.

Having said that, it doesn’t mean that if you choose to use formula that you are anything less than a wonderful mother, it doesn’t mean baby is harmed or getting second best. It means you had the strength to see where you were and address that to provide a situation for both mum and baby to thrive.

Breastfeeding is not easy. Especially in the first few weeks. There is poor education and information. It’s very stressful. What makes it more stressful is pumping and trying to measure the amount (there is no way to pump and compare to formula amounts). Added to the stress of pumping and measuring is trying to do anything on any sort of schedule. And having to sterilise everything.
The easiest thing I found was to just get comfy somewhere, bed or sofa, get plenty of snacks and entertainment and just assume I’m going to be there feeding on and off all day and night. It can be draining and very lonely too.

Whatever you choose will be the best thing for you and your baby, no matter what anyone else has done. And that applies to every parenting decision you make.

I write about current breastmilk and infant nutrition research for work. Post doc level research.

Breastmilk has components in it that provide immune support. It also has HMOs that establish beneficial bacteria in the gut (microbiome). This is important in shaping future health (there is an effect throughout life, not just infancy) and something that formula does not offer. If you took stool samples from formula-fed and breastfed infants you could tell which was which by the bacteria present.

However there are other factors that are also important for infant health - being born by C-section has a negative impact on microbiome, so does using antibiotics, having a poor diet, having a mother with a poor diet prior to and during pregnancy, living in poor conditions etc.

So breastmilk is important but it's not the be-all and end-all. If breastfeeding is stressful, that will communicate to your DC as well and stress is bad for health too. A formula-fed child who is brought up with good nutrition and lots of love and care still has a very good start in life.

It sounds a bit like you've come on here looking to be told that breastfeeding doesn't matter - it does, but if the overall picture for you makes it not worth it then that's fine too. If you want to continue I'd also invest in a lactation consultant - they can pay for themselves in savings on formula.

The poster who said BF is like a salad and FF like a Chinese takeaway…I don’t think she meant in terms of nutrition. More so that formula tends to be heavier and keeps baby full for longer. Breast milk (like a salad) is lighter and digests quickly leaving baby hungry quicker. Probably could have been worded a bit less controversially! For what it’s worth, I rather a Chinese takeaway than a salad any day of the week 😁

OP breast milk is undoubtedly best for baby, but it’s really not a make or break for their future so just do what is easier and makes you happy. I BF dd1 and FF dd2. Dd2 gets unwell all the time and has crap immunity in general. Could be a total coincidence but I do have pangs of guilt for not BF.

Another thing which makes me laugh is when the EBF advocates jump over and advice that women should just sit with the baby day and night trying to establish BF for weeks is who do they assume will look after the other children and the household chores because not everyone has got tons of family to help and especially if you have other children to look after as well !

Hi OP, just to give you a success story: I had problems latching and my baby was fed formula and expressed milk for the first 3 weeks of his life. I had a transitional period where I'd offer him the breast for 5 minutes max before most feeds.

At first he refused them all and we used formula, but with time he started latching more often. I think it was just a case of him needing to get bigger and stronger and my nipples to come out a bit more.

I switched my thinking to along the lines of yours: I was going to supplement him for his immune system and digestive benefits. I think that helped me to relax as I was aiming for a few feeds/a bit of milk in him, not a complete switchover.

It was a LONG process but I now exclusively breast feed and he's 14 weeks old.

Also what kind of cry is she doing? Have you looked up the Dunstan baby language?

Fucking hell. I think a history of colonialisation might have played more of a role in the development status of countries in Africa and Asia than breastfeeding.

We systematically suppressed their potential, not to mention very often making women unable to care for their own children by forcing them to work or making them be nannies to white children (maybe breastfeeding them too as wet nurses).

Are you really saying people in those countries are less intelligent? Maybe ask your formula-fed friend to explain world history to you.

That is truly breathtaking @xlap, well done

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/baby/breastfeeding-and-bottle-feeding/breastfeeding/benefits/

I mean…with the greatest of respect it’s human milk, made for humans, as opposed to the milk of a whole other animal. I let always surprised me that people question the benefits of breastmilk. Why wouldn’t something literally designed solely for humans be beneficial for them?

Im not sure why people are offended by facts. But yes breastfeeding as a substance is much more beneficial than cows milk is. That doesn’t say the breastfeeding experience is better though.

@AuntieJune just curious, do those biome/bacteria last forever since breastfeeding would only be till 2 years of life and then life happens with sickness and antibiotics. Do you not have to keep eating probiotics and other fermented food to maintain good guy health for tha average life span of 80 years?

You are feeling guilty about it because you gave birth 10 days ago and your hormones are still settling. Prime guilt time.

I wonder if she's maybe reacting to something you are eating through your breast milk? Either way, if you want to stop expressing, stop. I believe the 'best' stuff is the colostrum which she had in the couple of days after birth. So tick that off in your head and proceed to formula guilt-free.

@AuntieJune lol, good try to derail OP's post but may be you can start another thread of your own to moan about colonisation etc etc