MIL taking my daughter to lake waterpark

[YorkshireLucy]

So, my DH has taken my children (16 and 13) to visit her for a few days.

I had a message from my 16 year old panicking because grandma has booked a day at a lake doing watersports.

My DD has just had her ears pierced (seconds and tragus so 3 altogether). She was told not to go swimming in the first few weeks and to be careful for a couple of months after that. It is less than two weeks since she had them done. She should especially avoid open water.

Now, grandma has told her she WILL go and she WILL enjoy herself because she's paid over £90 for this.

I'm fuming. She never mentioned this and never asked them to pack swimwear. She's told them to put an old T-shirt and pants on under a wetsuit? They only have nice new clothes with them that will get ruined!

For context my MIL has form for this. She's quite controlling and a bit of a bully. Constantly makes my children feel like crap. She's passive aggressive with me which is why I personally refuse to see her now. But hubby insisted on this trip.

I get she's paid for a fun activity but has completely disregarded my daughters feelings and worries about this. What if her ears get caught on a helmet or worse get infected?

As for my husband, I'll be speaking to him before they go. Can't believe he's not stuck up for her or said anything (well I can, but that's another story). He knows she shouldn't be getting her piercings wet through swimming/activities like this.

AIBU to not want to let them go?

Absolutely. The girl doesn't want to do it and should not be made to do it (though how MiL could force her is a question).

Those saying "It'll be fine, I would do it" can go and do it if they like. The OP's DD doesn't want to.

Has the 13 year old actually said she doesn't want to go though?

BUT NOBODY WILL SEE YOU IN THE PANTS. Jesus wept.

My grandmother was a mean bully. My father never stood up to her and in fact took her side. My mother let me visit because she didn’t want to prevent a relationship between me and my grandmother. But the reality is there was no relationship to be had - she was a bully. Would you send your kids to anyone else’s house knowing they were a bully and encourage them to have a relationship?

I understand why my mum did it but I wish she hadn’t. I have anger towards my father because he never stood up for me. But more than anything I resent that my mother didn’t stand up to my father. She saw his behaviour. She saw that he took his mother’s side. And she didn’t tell him to fuck off.

I mean she argued with him about it. But she continued to let it happen.

also my grandmother was very emotionally abusive to me when other people weren’t in the room so if I were you I’d try to find out if that’s the case with your daughter. My whole life I thought my mother knew everything my grandmother said or did to me but turned out she only knew the obvious ones. Abusive people are good at hiding things.

I don’t mean to upset you or make you feel any guilt because it really is a shit situation to be in. But all of it impacted my relationship with myself and with boyfriends going forward.

letting someone be in a situation they are bullied and their own dad doesn’t stand up to them. Isn’t the best role model for relationships.

obviously I don’t know the ins and outs of your situation but just wanted to share in case it gave any insight from child’s point of view.

Yes unfortunately i think a lot of people think this. It was suggested to tell her Dad that she can't go swimming because she has her period.

And also this OP ^ I'd phone MIL myself and say she's not going, end of.

Yes unfortunately i think a lot of people think this. It was suggested to tell her Dad that she can't go swimming because she has her period.

Because it's a good EXCUSE, regardless if true or not.

Who the feck books a £90 activity for people not even knowing if they like the activity. And worse still - telling them they will do the activity because it's been paid for.

Exactly.

I think it’s sad that some posters think that just because DD is 16, she should be able to handle this on her own when it is obvious that her father isn’t supporting her against his own mum. She is with two adults, one unsupportive and one trying to force her into something that she doesn’t and shouldn’t do because they paid for it despite not asking her. Both are teaching her that if someone pays for you to do something without asking you, you owe them to do it. Great lesson for a teenage girl who will eventually be going off on her own.

Whats wrong with the period excuse? (genuine question, not all girls wear tampons)

You seem unduly exercised by the fact other women have different boundaries than you do. There are literally thousands of women who wouldn’t enjoy dancing around for a day in underwear and a wetsuit. I very much doubt Jesus or anyone else is weeping about it. Do you think you can shame me into saying I agree with you? Is that you OPs MI?

I don't think that you are being unreasonable, but maybe try and remember that your MIL tried to do something nice for your children and it backfired. She is probably feeling a bit hurt and silly that it hasn't panned out. I can empathise with her and maybe her words weren't as harsh as your daughter has relayed to you. She should have asked first, but she is trying after all. Your daughter shouldn't be forced to go in, but it's not going to come to that realistically is it.

It's really simple your DD does not have to do anything or go anywhere that she doesn't want too. End of. It sounds like MIL needs to be told exactly how she's behaving and to stop controlling her grandchildren or there won't be any more visits. Your DC will eventually stop wanting to see her anyway when they are adults if this is how she treats them now.

No, it’s a shit excuse as most people know items not true. As are any arguments about not having a swimsuit to wear under a wetsuit.

The piercings reason is cast iron as it is direct advice from the piercer and the risk factor is a nasty health issue. You realise it’s not about the piercings going wrong but about the chance if an infection from the water getting into her bloodstream via the piercing?

But even without the piercings, if she doesn’t want to do it the only “excuse” needed is “I don’t want to do it and you should have asked me before booking”. No need to make shit up.

She doesn't need a 'made-up excuse'.

She has a REASON, which is - she doesn't want to go so that should be respected. We should be empowering young adults to be able to have their boundaries and not have to justify/lie etc. This is especially important to girls to grow up not to have to rely on lying etc to please people around them. We're in 2023 and encouraging girls to rely on a period to get out of doing something is ridiculous.

Why teach someone that if they don't want to do something they should make up an excuse. Just say - no i don't want to do that and i wont be doing that.

Yes, because it is a potentially useful excuse for this situation.

I do not think for a moment that @Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie actually thinks you can’t swim on your period if you want to. Perhaps they could confirm.

You’re very hard of thinking if you can’t see the difference between “would not enjoy the feeling of a wetsuit over underwear” and “people will see the underwear, it’s not decent”.

For all those saying 16yo should be able to handle this, her dad who I assume is a good deal older can’t stand up to his mum and the OP refuses to see her, not sure why anyone is criticising the 16yo for not standing up for herself (or her sister)

By the way as a teenager I would have hated this activity and I would still hate it. I have managed to get to 50 without ever having to fit my fat arse into a wetsuit

I ended up in hospital after I swam two weeks after getting my tragus pierced. IV antibiotics for a week. Why can't you ring MIL and tell her it's not happening.

That is absolutely the ideal but people who are capable of doing this don’t end up in situations like these. The girls are being pressured by a controlling bully and the parent who is with them and should be speaking up for them is paralysed by inaction.

You don't have to wear tampons to be able to go swimming.

Not all my kids wear tampons (due to age, choice or whatever). Which is similar to most swimmers!

I think it's sad that some posters think a 16yr old is incapable of handling this herself.

She just doesn't get in the car. End of.

At the age of 16, she should be encouraged to speak her voice and act on her wishes. If not at the age of 16, then when?

Quite.

It's not.

The only excuse needed is "I don't want to"

If the 16 year old doesn't want to then she doesn't want to.

No explanation needed.

She should yes. But her own dad can't so she's clearly very manipulative. Peer pressure is one thing but granny pressure when dad is going along with it (an adult she should trust to have her back) is different.