Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL taking my daughter to lake waterpark

380 replies

YorkshireLucy · 15/08/2023 06:50

So, my DH has taken my children (16 and 13) to visit her for a few days.

I had a message from my 16 year old panicking because grandma has booked a day at a lake doing watersports.

My DD has just had her ears pierced (seconds and tragus so 3 altogether). She was told not to go swimming in the first few weeks and to be careful for a couple of months after that. It is less than two weeks since she had them done. She should especially avoid open water.

Now, grandma has told her she WILL go and she WILL enjoy herself because she's paid over £90 for this.

I'm fuming. She never mentioned this and never asked them to pack swimwear. She's told them to put an old T-shirt and pants on under a wetsuit? They only have nice new clothes with them that will get ruined!

For context my MIL has form for this. She's quite controlling and a bit of a bully. Constantly makes my children feel like crap. She's passive aggressive with me which is why I personally refuse to see her now. But hubby insisted on this trip.

I get she's paid for a fun activity but has completely disregarded my daughters feelings and worries about this. What if her ears get caught on a helmet or worse get infected?

As for my husband, I'll be speaking to him before they go. Can't believe he's not stuck up for her or said anything (well I can, but that's another story). He knows she shouldn't be getting her piercings wet through swimming/activities like this.

AIBU to not want to let them go?

OP posts:
OfcourseitsaNC · 15/08/2023 08:32

My DD would not have gone at that age, piercings or not. Not her thing.

My DD would not have done water sports without appropriate clothing.

My DD would get crosser the more she was told she was doing something she didn't want to do, particularly on her holiday.

She'd never even get in the car to go to the waterpark tbh.

Your DD is old enough to handle this one herself.

Sounds like she needs to handle it herself, as her dad isn't handling it. Nor are you tbf. Posting on Mumsnet is a weird way to respond. You should be telling her a firm no, for whatever reason, is the right response.

Your job as parents is to teach your daughter to be a strong confident woman. My DD wouldn't have needed to ring home to try to get this sorted. She'd have just said no and would have done from about age 13.

Both you and her dad need to do a better job in helping DD learn that she is in charge of her, and that no is the best and right response to use in several situations.

RoadSignFool · 15/08/2023 08:32

AllAboardTootToot · 15/08/2023 08:25

Encouraging lies in a father/daughter relationship, nice advice!

Show quote history

Also a bit shit in this day and age to suggest that is normal for most women and girls to refrain from swimming when they have their period.

Ohthatsabitshit · 15/08/2023 08:32

I did thanks, 🙄I’d not be wandering round a lake dressed in pants and a Tshirt and a wetsuit, does that clarify things for you? These are young women not 6 year olds.

Ohthatsabitshit · 15/08/2023 08:34

Sorry my post was @RoadSignFool it didn’t quote for some reason.

MonsterCalling · 15/08/2023 08:35

This is really fucked up and not about piercings at all (although a tragus does take a long time to heal). The girls are overseas with a nasty bully who makes them feel like shit and a parent who can’t or won’t stand up for them. I appreciate you’ve decided they won’t go to visit her again but really why are you facilitating any relationship at all with this person?

Bellaboo01 · 15/08/2023 08:35

RedHelenB · 15/08/2023 07:10

If she's old enough for those piercings she's old enough to say she can't go to her gran. However, I think it's mountain molehill territory and she'd be fine doing it, it's just you looking to moan about MIL.

This!

diddl · 15/08/2023 08:35

WandaWonder · 15/08/2023 08:32

Why would he need to the 16 yo can say no themselves

Show quote history

Well let's hope that they can!

Hopefully they just wanted Op's reassurance that it's OK to say no.

RoadSignFool · 15/08/2023 08:36

Ohthatsabitshit · 15/08/2023 08:32

I did thanks, 🙄I’d not be wandering round a lake dressed in pants and a Tshirt and a wetsuit, does that clarify things for you? These are young women not 6 year olds.

What on earth are you talking about? You wouldn’t say “I won’t be wandering about in a dress with underwear underneath it”? Bonkers. Nobody can see the clothes under the wetsuit. You can be named underneath if you prefer!

RoadSignFool · 15/08/2023 08:36

Naked!

PuttingDownRoots · 15/08/2023 08:36

Ohthatsabitshit · 15/08/2023 08:32

I did thanks, 🙄I’d not be wandering round a lake dressed in pants and a Tshirt and a wetsuit, does that clarify things for you? These are young women not 6 year olds.

Can I ask why? You realise wetsuits are thick neoprene things and you can't see through them...

I do watersports in gym leggings and quick dry tshirts (over a sports bra) in hot weather!

Tonightsthenight91 · 15/08/2023 08:38

Your poor daughter. Please call the MIL and explain in no uncertain terms that she won’t be doing the activity and if you hear of anything to be said about the matter she’ll be coming home and you won’t be making an effort to continue their relationship.

Regardless of the piercings (which I agree swimming in open water is a bad idea) if she doesn’t want to do it she shouldn’t have to.

especially if this woman has form for being a bully I’d just put her right in her place. It’s lovely that she’s called you when she’s upset so she knows you have her back…Advocate for your daughter, your husband certainly isn’t going to.

wingingit1987 · 15/08/2023 08:40

In all honesty I would be flying or driving over to get my kids. And I would tell DH that he can just stay with his mother as I wouldn’t let such a terrible dad back into our home. His mother sounds like a disgusting person and he is just as bad for allowing his daughters to be bullied. Horrible, horrible people.

Bellaboo01 · 15/08/2023 08:40

YorkshireLucy · 15/08/2023 07:52

That's what my mum said to say!

Show quote history

You can swim when you are on your period.

I am a girl, i've had girls and we travel a lot and always swim. Having a period doesn't stop you from swimming - that is a very old fashioned view!

Ohthatsabitshit · 15/08/2023 08:43

@PuttingDownRoots because pants and a Tshirt when wet aren’t particularly comfortable or decent and I would imagine if everyone else had swimmers it would be fairly embarrassing. I don’t think that’s unusual and I think it’s very different to choosing to go swimming in leggings as an adult with agency.

panko · 15/08/2023 08:43

I don't think this is "MIL bashing" I can't imagine anyone thinking it's ok to book an activity for an adult friend for example and say I paid £90 for it you will go and you will enjoy it.

OP I agree it's probably a good idea to let your kids choose if they see her or not now.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 15/08/2023 08:45

I'd just message ir call dh "stick up for your daughters, or you are showing them it's fine to be a bully. It's them or her, and if you pick her, then just stay in Ireland"

MonsterCalling · 15/08/2023 08:45

Bellaboo01 · 15/08/2023 08:40

You can swim when you are on your period.

I am a girl, i've had girls and we travel a lot and always swim. Having a period doesn't stop you from swimming - that is a very old fashioned view!

Show quote history

Do you actually think that anyone on this thread thinks you can’t swim on your period if you want to? PP was suggesting an excuse that the girls could use.

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 15/08/2023 08:45

Transfer the money to MIL and tell her directly, under no circumstances is your DD going. If her sister and her dad still want to go fine.

olivehaters · 15/08/2023 08:46

I would just ring and say she isn't going. End of!

JenWillsiam · 15/08/2023 08:46

Justcallmebebes · 15/08/2023 07:12

Well most kids would be thrilled with a trip to a water park and swimming 2 weeks after piercings should be fine.

I think you're being very unreasonable and if I'd forked out £90 I'd want them to go in too

If you spent £90 on an activity without asking teenagers if they wanted to go it would serve you right.

Heronwatcher · 15/08/2023 08:46

Why an earth isn’t your DH doing something? He needs to put his own issues aside and do the right thing by his kids. Regardless of the piercings (which may very well not be fine) I doubt your kids will enjoy it without swimwear? This is all about her being Disney-gran and not about the kids in any way. Personally I think your DH needs to be told that she either drops this now or you’ll be on the first boat/ plane over there to pick them up.

If he must appease her tell him to phone the park and ask to transfer the tickets, but as you say I’d definitely be thinking twice about any future trips.

JenWillsiam · 15/08/2023 08:47

Your DH is the problem.

HowToSaveAWife · 15/08/2023 08:47

YorkshireLucy · 15/08/2023 08:02

Unfortunately I can't. They've gone to Ireland and I am currently at home in the UK. If they was in the UK I absolutely would have.

Show quote history

Irish MNer volunteering to be your proxy to give MIL a piece of our minds or your DH a boot in the behind. DD shouldn't be in this position, if a child is that uncomfortable with something then no way they should be made to do it.

panko · 15/08/2023 08:47

JenWillsiam · 15/08/2023 08:46

If you spent £90 on an activity without asking teenagers if they wanted to go it would serve you right.

Show quote history

I agree. They have a say in what they do or don't do

GameOverBoys · 15/08/2023 08:50

The logistics are irrelevant. The real issue is she’s booked an activity, without asking if they want to do it and is now bullying them to in to going, against their wishes.
I would never book that kind of activity for young people, or even children, without asking if it’s something they want to do.

Swipe left for the next trending thread