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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL taking my daughter to lake waterpark

380 replies

YorkshireLucy · 15/08/2023 06:50

So, my DH has taken my children (16 and 13) to visit her for a few days.

I had a message from my 16 year old panicking because grandma has booked a day at a lake doing watersports.

My DD has just had her ears pierced (seconds and tragus so 3 altogether). She was told not to go swimming in the first few weeks and to be careful for a couple of months after that. It is less than two weeks since she had them done. She should especially avoid open water.

Now, grandma has told her she WILL go and she WILL enjoy herself because she's paid over £90 for this.

I'm fuming. She never mentioned this and never asked them to pack swimwear. She's told them to put an old T-shirt and pants on under a wetsuit? They only have nice new clothes with them that will get ruined!

For context my MIL has form for this. She's quite controlling and a bit of a bully. Constantly makes my children feel like crap. She's passive aggressive with me which is why I personally refuse to see her now. But hubby insisted on this trip.

I get she's paid for a fun activity but has completely disregarded my daughters feelings and worries about this. What if her ears get caught on a helmet or worse get infected?

As for my husband, I'll be speaking to him before they go. Can't believe he's not stuck up for her or said anything (well I can, but that's another story). He knows she shouldn't be getting her piercings wet through swimming/activities like this.

AIBU to not want to let them go?

OP posts:
KajsaKavat · 15/08/2023 08:11

Of DD doesn’t want to do it she should be able to say no of course but you are BU. Her clothes will get ruined. By a bit of water?

Siriusmuggle · 15/08/2023 08:11

Kanelsnegl · 15/08/2023 07:54

Piercings absolutely will not be healed after 2 weeks and if it's an outdoor waterpark (is it a lake or a pool?) They can definitely get infected from it.
I know some people think they will be fine and maybe they will but the chance is that they won't and I don't think it's fair that she would have to risk that if she's not comfortable with it just because her grandma booked something without checking with her first.
Lots of antiseptic products can also make piercings worse and irritate them further as they're too harsh.

Also saying she will go and will have fun because she's paid x money is honestly ridiculous to a small child let alone a teenager.
Right recipe for fun that 🙄

Thank you- you’ve saved me typing exactly the same. UKAPP recommends at least 4 weeks before swimming.

Prescottdanni123 · 15/08/2023 08:14

@saraclara

OP has said her MIL is a bully towards her grandkids. The ear piercing/water sport situation sounds like the tip of the iceberg.

1967buglet · 15/08/2023 08:14

Give her the £90 and say no. End of.

EggOverEasy · 15/08/2023 08:14

She's 16, they can't force her.

Not ideal, but maybe you/she should throw £90 at this problem to make it go away.

Prescottdanni123 · 15/08/2023 08:15

A lot of MILs with chips on their shoulders on this thread - totally ignoring the fact that this particular MIL has form for being a bully.

Wenfy · 15/08/2023 08:16

Reputed water parks will give kids waterproof bandaids to cover the earrings or prevent her from playing - so ask her to tell the supervisor directly

RoadSignFool · 15/08/2023 08:17

Out of interest, did your other child, with no piercings, take swimming gear? I can see why the 16 year old might not have done, as she knew swimming was off the agenda, but it’s something you generally chuck in the case for most holidays isn’t it? Just in case the opportunity arises unexpectedly.

I do agree that your DD needs to follow the health advice. However I have a funny feeling that if the piercings were not a factor both you and she would be complaining about this activity.
That said, nobody in their right mind organises and pays for a 16 year old to do anything without getting their prior agreement. Hell, I would usually consult my 6 year old in advance if something like this…

diddl · 15/08/2023 08:18

What a mess!

If all else fails would your daughter speak to staff & tell them that she can't do it & why?

They've got their money so they surely won't care if one doesn't join in?

diddl · 15/08/2023 08:21

However I have a funny feeling that if the piercings were not a factor both you and she would be complaining about this activity.

Why shouldn't the 16yr old complain if it's something she wouldn't want to do?

Do you think that she should be made to because it has been paid for?

Thoughtful2355 · 15/08/2023 08:21

My mum owns a piercing studio, she said her ears should be fine and just disinfect afterwards to ensure they are clean but that a swimming cap will help if your worried.

SoSad44 · 15/08/2023 08:21

I don’t understand how anyone can get a teenager to do something they don’t want to do. Your post sounds like a panicked 8 year old. Frankly your DD needs to be more assertive and just say no or stay on a lounger and read a book/listen to a podcast.

your issue with the clothes is a bit weird - no clothes get ruined by being in contact with water.

Strangerthingshavehappenedtome · 15/08/2023 08:22

Justcallmebebes · 15/08/2023 07:12

Well most kids would be thrilled with a trip to a water park and swimming 2 weeks after piercings should be fine.

I think you're being very unreasonable and if I'd forked out £90 I'd want them to go in too

I wouldn't of liked it at 16.
Mil should of checked before paying 90 pounds

PuttingDownRoots · 15/08/2023 08:23

Should someone be made to jump out of a plane as someone has paid for it?
Go diving with sharks?
Ferrari race day?

Its generally best to make sure its something people want to do before booking an expensive activity. The fact that other teenagers enjoy it is irrelevant.

Magneta · 15/08/2023 08:24

If it were just the piercing & infection risk I would probably be in the camp of it's probably fine after a couple of weeks. It also depends a bit on whether your daughter would actually like to do the waterpark if it weren't for the piercings - did your MIL actually pick well or badly? It's trickier if it's something your daughter would love to do - my suspicion is she is not that keen.

However really this is about the background of controlling behaviour, to the extent that you no longer see her, and that there's already form of this behaviour impacting significantly on the girls. IME letting someone like this get their way fuels the fire. It can be difficult to understand how manipulative and complicated power-wielding like this is, unless you've lived with it. I think I'd be encouraging your daughter to insist it's a no because of the piercings, unless she is very keen to do the activity. Maybe your husband could offer to cover the cost of her ticket, and it would be much better if he could back you up on it. Your daughter should maybe frame it as "can't" not "won't". It's not a battle about whether she is choosing to comply or not, she is not able to comply because infection risk, it's out of her hands. It could go nuclear so she does choose to make this the hill to die on then it's not going to be fun, but this battle is going to happen sooner or later over something.

AllAboardTootToot · 15/08/2023 08:25

Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 15/08/2023 06:54

Tell DD to tell her dad she has her period and can’t swim.

Encouraging lies in a father/daughter relationship, nice advice!

Ohthatsabitshit · 15/08/2023 08:26

A 16 year old and a thirteen year old girl expected to swim in their Tshirt and pants? Don’t be ridiculous. Is MIL going to be doing the same? Tell her “no” and weather the storm.

LongDarkTeatime · 15/08/2023 08:27

The lake/water park near us requires an ‘waiver’ to be filled out online before anyone can attend. Does this park have the same? If so you could call and let them know that as her parent you do not give permission.

RoadSignFool · 15/08/2023 08:28

diddl · 15/08/2023 08:21

However I have a funny feeling that if the piercings were not a factor both you and she would be complaining about this activity.

Why shouldn't the 16yr old complain if it's something she wouldn't want to do?

Do you think that she should be made to because it has been paid for?

Where did I say that she should not complain or that she would be made to do it?
I actually said that it was a bad idea not to have consulted her in advance.

My point is that the piercing is a red herring because if that is all it was the time would be “normally she’d love this kind of stuff but unfortunately Granny didn’t check and so she didn’t know it wasn’t possible this time”

AgentProvocateur · 15/08/2023 08:28

I’d be telling my 16 year old to sort it with their dad/gran who are in the same country, and asking what they thought I could do about it from a different country. Your DD may be leaving home and going to uni soon - let her sort this minor issue herself.

itsgettingweird · 15/08/2023 08:29

Pottyberry · 15/08/2023 07:18

Swimming round a lake with safety gear on? No wonder she doesn't want to go.

Mil surely should ask the kids what they want to do before booking stuff, and paying out for it.

DH needs to speak up.

This.

Piercings or not.

Who the feck books a £90 activity for people not even knowing if they like the activity. And worse still - telling them they will do the activity because it's been paid for.

Would she go bunny jumping if you told her to and paid for it?

Or this rule only apply to her decisions or to children?

RoadSignFool · 15/08/2023 08:29

Ohthatsabitshit · 15/08/2023 08:26

A 16 year old and a thirteen year old girl expected to swim in their Tshirt and pants? Don’t be ridiculous. Is MIL going to be doing the same? Tell her “no” and weather the storm.

Read the OP. The T shirt and pants are under a wetsuit.

Sugargliderwombat · 15/08/2023 08:30

I've had an infected tragus. It's awful and I had problems with that ear for years. I had to get someone to use pliers to take it out in the middle of the night because the infection was around the stud. That was with me taking care of it.

I didn't get told to not swim though, seawater or chlorine would be fine but a LAKE? No thanks.

diddl · 15/08/2023 08:31

I don’t understand how anyone can get a teenager to do something they don’t want to do.

Well their dad doesn't seem to be able to say no to his mum so...

WandaWonder · 15/08/2023 08:32

diddl · 15/08/2023 08:31

I don’t understand how anyone can get a teenager to do something they don’t want to do.

Well their dad doesn't seem to be able to say no to his mum so...

Why would he need to the 16 yo can say no themselves