MIL taking my daughter to lake waterpark

[YorkshireLucy]

So, my DH has taken my children (16 and 13) to visit her for a few days.

I had a message from my 16 year old panicking because grandma has booked a day at a lake doing watersports.

My DD has just had her ears pierced (seconds and tragus so 3 altogether). She was told not to go swimming in the first few weeks and to be careful for a couple of months after that. It is less than two weeks since she had them done. She should especially avoid open water.

Now, grandma has told her she WILL go and she WILL enjoy herself because she's paid over £90 for this.

I'm fuming. She never mentioned this and never asked them to pack swimwear. She's told them to put an old T-shirt and pants on under a wetsuit? They only have nice new clothes with them that will get ruined!

For context my MIL has form for this. She's quite controlling and a bit of a bully. Constantly makes my children feel like crap. She's passive aggressive with me which is why I personally refuse to see her now. But hubby insisted on this trip.

I get she's paid for a fun activity but has completely disregarded my daughters feelings and worries about this. What if her ears get caught on a helmet or worse get infected?

As for my husband, I'll be speaking to him before they go. Can't believe he's not stuck up for her or said anything (well I can, but that's another story). He knows she shouldn't be getting her piercings wet through swimming/activities like this.

AIBU to not want to let them go?

Pretty sure most women know that’s not the case.

just because some women are happy to go swimming whilst on their periods, doesn’t make it wrong for those who are not comfortable. Periods are vary there’s no one type, you only bleed lightly it’s all contained in your mooncup/tampon for everyone.

and if a child does not want to do an activity she should be allowed to bow out.

OP your husband is using his children as a shield for his mothers abuse. So he is safe from her nastiness.

tell your DD’s they don’t need to do anything they don’t want to and this is the last time they’ll be forced to go visit their grandmother.

Yes I thought that! A period isn’t really a reason not to swim as there are tampons, and period swimming costumes are available, although I accept if you haven’t already got one this is no use.

Plus I also don’t think she should be lying, especially when the truth is a good reason.

A firm “no” from both your Dd and your DH should be enough. I think he does need to have her back, especially if MIL is such a bully. He seems to be quite capable of insisting on things to you - like the trip - but not with his mother?

I think it was foolish of her to book something for teenagers without asking, but if it settles this, I’d give her the £90. Ultimately your Dd can’t be made to go! It sounds like MIL will sulk horribly if she doesn’t get her way, but maybe everyone should just let her sulk, and come home if she carries on.

Is the MIL going in her pants?

@Bellaboo01 I actually agree with you. But this is a 16 yo dealing with a woman much older, who is a bully,makes nasty comments and used emotional blackmail. A woman her own father can't stand up to. She's also trapped in her home for who knows how much longer with no easy way to leave/get away and no one has her back.

Taking the easy way out can be the smart thing to do depending on the situation.

The failure to communicate these days is what causes a lot of problems.

Declining invitations etc - we see it here a lot: what excuse can i give. You don' tneed an excuse no matter what the event is. Thank you, i can't/won't be attending is enough.

In this case no excuse needed. Even if the DD did want to go, the recent piercings make it an absolute no-go. So all that the DD and the DH need to say is "thank you, it's not possible." No convoluted excuses about periods. No angry calls from the mother who isn't there. Just a "thanks, no thanks" and if necessary "sorry that you planned it, if I'd known i could have told you before you spent the money"

These are things that the DDs need to learn early: you are allowed to say "no" to things and don't need to make up an excuse

also can everyone stop focussing on the pants? it's not like PE in the 70s if you forgot your sports kit, you had to do PE in your vest and pants.

They will be able to wear actual clothes and use changing facilities to get into the wetsuit. They are not prancing around Windemere like the Swallows & Amazons after a storm in their grollies.

It always amazes me how rigidly some people think. Just because you swim when you have your period, or ride, or have sex, or eat the contents of your freezer doesn’t mean EVERY woman does. Just because you feel comfortable swimming in a shirt and pants under a wetsuit doesn’t mean EVERY woman does. Just because you would be fine dipping your newly pierced ears in lake water doesn’t mean EVERY woman does.
I honestly cannot believe any of this needs saying.

What? How do I not know this? What happens when you get out? Blood dripples down when I get out of the bath, what kind of magic is this?

This is awful and I really feel for you being unable to go and collect them. This is just blatant abuse and I don’t know why your dh doesn’t stand up for your dc.

I’d tell DD just to go and have fun and not worry about her piercings.

I would get DH to go buy them some swimming costumes and waterproof plasters.

In most circumstances this wouldn’t be an issue.
Lots of teens can’t be bothered to do fun things and you have to force them, knowing they’ll love it once they’re there.
But obviously there is a big back story to this.

If DH isn’t going to stick up for them then it’s their choice whether to go in future.
DH can go alone or MIL can come and stay at a hotel near your home.

Clearly your MIL is a bit of an arse.

Being kind however, I'm trying to see it from MIL's point of view - perhaps she felt pressure to find a suitable activity nearby to entertain them and was worried it would book up in advance, so booked it. She is trying to connect with your GDs by booking something for "young people" perhaps that she thinks looks cool.

While a foolish decision to book something like that without checking, I can understand she might be disappointed that they don't want to go and she's therefore getting defensive.

I wonder what your Dd's reaction to being told about it was. Was it "oh that sounds like so much fun, thanks for thinking of us - unfortunately I can't go in the lake because of my new piercings, sorry that you can't get your money back" or was it a bunch of teenage ungrateful moaning.

Surely your MIL can just explain the situation and get a refund? I'd be amazed if they refused, given the circumstances.
Also your DH needs to stick up for his daughter. So MIL is a bully and DD doesn't want to do the water sports - then he steps in!!

Whereabouts in Ireland are they?

The local water activity bouncy thing near me is in a man-made marina filled with sea water and you’d definitely not want to be swimming in it, if you have an open wound. That’s asking for trouble! Mostly people go kayaking on it, not swimming in it. Obviously, the people running the activity won’t push your daughter into taking part if she says she doesn’t want to, so tell her to speak to the organiser if she can’t speak to the granny.

Also, plenty of children don’t enjoy those sort of activities. My teen DS has severe dyspraxia so ordinary things like riding a bike are like torture for him. He’s missed attending a couple of birthday parties over the years because his friends have booked outdoorsy activities.

"You will go and you will enjoy it" os not defensive, it's controlling.

See also: just because you have decent people in your family who will respect your wishes if
you say no does not mean that EVERYONE has this advantage. These girls have one parent who can’t stand up their grandmother and another who knows she is a toxic bully but nevertheless allowed them to be taken to stay. Where do pp think they will have learnt to stand up for themselves?

I wouldn't refund her. She booked it- its up to her to check everyone wants to go

*You don't have to wear tampons to be able to go swimming.

Not all my kids wear tampons (due to age, choice or whatever). Which is similar to most swimmers!*

Yep, but just checking you are talking about the alternative to tampons being period swimmers as opposed to some sort of free bleeding in the water?

Of course they won’t get a refund.

The is the sort of activity that not everyone would like. The mil is in the wrong for booking it and then guilt tripping the girls into going.

Periods have never stopped me swimming but it doesn’t take a genius to work out that not every woman is the same. I certainly wouldn’t be comfortable swimming on my period without a tampon. My flow has certainly not magically stopped in water. Nor would I be particularly thrilled at wearing pants and a T-shirt under a wetsuit and I wouldn’t have liked that as a teenager either. All of that is moot though. The 16 yo doesn’t want to go and it doesn’t matter if some posters think potential reasons are a bit weak. Why should she be forced to do something she doesn’t want to do at that age- especially when it puts her at risk of infection from the piercing.

But she's not her dad. She's herself. She's 16. She should have her own voice by now. She should know the word no is an appropriate response at times.

She knows there's issues with her nan, as her mum refuses to visit her anymore. She seen her dad/nan behave badly in her presence through the years. She'll have clocked that dad is weak around his mum.

DDs mum should be encouraging her to make her own decisions and choices, and stand up for herself, not posting on MN. She's 16 FFS.

YANBU. I would not tolerate anyone bullying my daughters, family or not. Everyone saying your over-reacting about the infection risk has perhaps not seen what happens when a piercing becomes infected- it’s. Open, untreated water and an unhealed wound is a recipe for trouble,

As it sounds like your husband will sacrifice his children’s well-being to appease his mother, you need to be the one laying down the law to both your husband and MIL.

I would be tempted to phone the water sports centre myself and tell them that your daughter cannot go into the water as it would cause a medical issue, following up with an email so there’s a record.

*you’re (missed that autocorrect!)

I strongly suspect a power struggle between you and your MIL and your kids probably do want to go to the waterpark but preemptively want to pass the blame if piercings get sore.

1. The piercings will be fine. Put medical waterproof dressing on them and disinfect after. And 2. Tell them that it's not your problem.

What whingers.

Why not? I really don't think most people are that unreasonable.

Send her a swimsuit with Amazon prime if you can afford it?
The MIL sounds pushy and domineering, and she should have told your DD before the trip.