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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL taking my daughter to lake waterpark

380 replies

YorkshireLucy · 15/08/2023 06:50

So, my DH has taken my children (16 and 13) to visit her for a few days.

I had a message from my 16 year old panicking because grandma has booked a day at a lake doing watersports.

My DD has just had her ears pierced (seconds and tragus so 3 altogether). She was told not to go swimming in the first few weeks and to be careful for a couple of months after that. It is less than two weeks since she had them done. She should especially avoid open water.

Now, grandma has told her she WILL go and she WILL enjoy herself because she's paid over £90 for this.

I'm fuming. She never mentioned this and never asked them to pack swimwear. She's told them to put an old T-shirt and pants on under a wetsuit? They only have nice new clothes with them that will get ruined!

For context my MIL has form for this. She's quite controlling and a bit of a bully. Constantly makes my children feel like crap. She's passive aggressive with me which is why I personally refuse to see her now. But hubby insisted on this trip.

I get she's paid for a fun activity but has completely disregarded my daughters feelings and worries about this. What if her ears get caught on a helmet or worse get infected?

As for my husband, I'll be speaking to him before they go. Can't believe he's not stuck up for her or said anything (well I can, but that's another story). He knows she shouldn't be getting her piercings wet through swimming/activities like this.

AIBU to not want to let them go?

OP posts:
Rosscameasdoody · 20/08/2023 10:56

Rosscameasdoody · 20/08/2023 10:55

For a tragus piercing it’s at least three months and they are notoriously difficult to heal - some can take up to three months. And a waterproof plaster won’t protect from the germs present in the stagnant water of a lake.

Show quote history

That should have read ‘some can take up to a year’.

Rosscameasdoody · 20/08/2023 11:01

Grammarnut · 19/08/2023 14:05

I find everyone on here very controlling. I would never treat either of my (late) mothers-in-law as you are suggesting. How disrespectful to an older woman with more experience of life than you, who wants to give her GC a treat? Admittedly I got on well with both, though the first was a controlling woman who put her sons before everything else (culture) - I was always nice and generally affectionate and had the status of a son with her, so she put me first too (and she annoyed the socks off me, but showing it is no way to achieve peace). Perhaps the MIL is a bit controlling, but so is the OP. And why is a girl of sixteen having multiple piercings just before she goes away and where she might want to swim? Bit disorganised. I am either the same generation as MIL or the one above. I would not expect to be treated by daughters-in-law like this (it's rude) nor have my GD, now 11, tell me she didn't want to do what I had arranged - mind, I would ask before I arranged it, which is a foolish thing not to have done IMO, so we would be good to go. Lighten up, do. Accept the treat. Get DH to buy swimwear (the aggro of that will teach him a huge lesson) and show your DDs how to treat their grandmother in order to achieve harmony.

Having more experience of life doesn’t entitle her to demand that everyone falls in line and does what she wants when she wants. And the trip wasn’t known about until after the piercings were done - MIL’s experience of life clearly didn’t inform her decision to arrange and pay for the trip without checking whether it was convenient to do so first.

ihadamarveloustime · 20/08/2023 11:04

Justcallmebebes · 15/08/2023 07:12

Well most kids would be thrilled with a trip to a water park and swimming 2 weeks after piercings should be fine.

I think you're being very unreasonable and if I'd forked out £90 I'd want them to go in too

Most teenagers would be ASKED first. You would be unreasonable to fork out £90 for a waterpark without first confirming they wanted to do something like this.

You sound like the MIL.

Rosscameasdoody · 20/08/2023 11:05

Grammarnut · 19/08/2023 16:17

Typical modern paranoia about open water. A lake is not going to be dirty, especially if it's a water park. Probably chlorinated. It certainly won't be stagnant - that makes water smell foul and a commercial organisation isn't going to let that happen because it's a turn-off for the customers. Honestly, swimming in a lake is going to do no-one any harm. My children swam in rivers and lakes as well as the sea all over Europe and in India, they did watersports in lakes in Wales, went canoing with scouts, Duke of Edinburgh award, school trips. Never, ever any infections. Mind, I did not allow my daughter to have ear piercings - or any - until she was about 18, when she had ears and nose pierced (cultural custom, not punkish!), but soon gave up on the nose piercing as too much trouble. GD has ears pierced now, but I do not remember any prohibitions on going swimming etc. Nor for myself the couple of times I have had it done. MIL has offered a trip, say thankyou, GDs, nicely. She won't be around forever.

Show quote history

Clearly you haven’t read the posts quoting NHS guidelines, which give a breakdown for swimming of any kind, and for a tragus piercing it’s three months. Your children may have gone swimming in various settings all over the world but unless they did so with a recent tragus piercing, it’s not really relevant is it ?

Sueveneers · 20/08/2023 11:08

Grammarnut · 19/08/2023 14:05

I find everyone on here very controlling. I would never treat either of my (late) mothers-in-law as you are suggesting. How disrespectful to an older woman with more experience of life than you, who wants to give her GC a treat? Admittedly I got on well with both, though the first was a controlling woman who put her sons before everything else (culture) - I was always nice and generally affectionate and had the status of a son with her, so she put me first too (and she annoyed the socks off me, but showing it is no way to achieve peace). Perhaps the MIL is a bit controlling, but so is the OP. And why is a girl of sixteen having multiple piercings just before she goes away and where she might want to swim? Bit disorganised. I am either the same generation as MIL or the one above. I would not expect to be treated by daughters-in-law like this (it's rude) nor have my GD, now 11, tell me she didn't want to do what I had arranged - mind, I would ask before I arranged it, which is a foolish thing not to have done IMO, so we would be good to go. Lighten up, do. Accept the treat. Get DH to buy swimwear (the aggro of that will teach him a huge lesson) and show your DDs how to treat their grandmother in order to achieve harmony.

Respect is EARNED, not given just because of age. Some older people can be controlling, nasty and manipulative. You don't deserve respect just because you've lived a few more rotations around the sun. The OP's mil is clearly very nasty, manipulative and controlling. And she has been this way forever according to OP, so nothing to do with 'age'. This 'respect older people no matter how horrible they are' attitude needs to go.

Sueveneers · 20/08/2023 11:11

Grammarnut · 19/08/2023 16:17

Typical modern paranoia about open water. A lake is not going to be dirty, especially if it's a water park. Probably chlorinated. It certainly won't be stagnant - that makes water smell foul and a commercial organisation isn't going to let that happen because it's a turn-off for the customers. Honestly, swimming in a lake is going to do no-one any harm. My children swam in rivers and lakes as well as the sea all over Europe and in India, they did watersports in lakes in Wales, went canoing with scouts, Duke of Edinburgh award, school trips. Never, ever any infections. Mind, I did not allow my daughter to have ear piercings - or any - until she was about 18, when she had ears and nose pierced (cultural custom, not punkish!), but soon gave up on the nose piercing as too much trouble. GD has ears pierced now, but I do not remember any prohibitions on going swimming etc. Nor for myself the couple of times I have had it done. MIL has offered a trip, say thankyou, GDs, nicely. She won't be around forever.

Show quote history

Wow, you think actual NHS regulations are 'paranoia'? I bet you thought that Covid vaccines are 'paranoia' and a hoax, and that food hygiene is 'paranoia' and fuss over nothing. You don't sound very sensible or having common sense. All the experts are wrong, according to you.

Cailin66 · 20/08/2023 11:17

YorkshireLucy · 16/08/2023 20:36

Dirty lake water with a well used wetsuit can.
I did a lot of scuba diving when younger and trust me, if not cleaned properly they can leave marks on clothing, especially from lake water.
The clothes they have are new. When they were bought I didn't envisage they'd be jumping into a lake with them on or I'd of bought much cheaper clothing for them to ruin on a 50 minute activity.

Show quote history

Why buys expensive brand new clothing for children going on holiday to their grandparents. They would surely be playing outside, climbing hills, going to the lake, or seaside. In their summer holidays. It's super easy to drop into Dunnes or Penneys and buy a cheap tshirt and shorts if you're that bother about clothing. And as you are so bothered why didn't you pack some activity clothes.

I've also never seen such micro managing of children with their parent, a grown adult, and visiting another grown adult, a grandmother with parenting experience. Of a 16 year old. Bonkers.

And if that wasn't bad enough, with the bad blood expressed about the grandmother, who on earth would you get the piercing done just before a trip abroad.

Original poster
YorkshireLucy · 20/08/2023 11:32

Cailin66 · 20/08/2023 11:17

Why buys expensive brand new clothing for children going on holiday to their grandparents. They would surely be playing outside, climbing hills, going to the lake, or seaside. In their summer holidays. It's super easy to drop into Dunnes or Penneys and buy a cheap tshirt and shorts if you're that bother about clothing. And as you are so bothered why didn't you pack some activity clothes.

I've also never seen such micro managing of children with their parent, a grown adult, and visiting another grown adult, a grandmother with parenting experience. Of a 16 year old. Bonkers.

And if that wasn't bad enough, with the bad blood expressed about the grandmother, who on earth would you get the piercing done just before a trip abroad.

Show quote history

First of all the clothing wasn't 'expensive' just nice clothing from Primark/George/Newlook that we can't afford to replace as my husband recently lost his job due to company going into administration.

Second of all, I do not micro manage. This grandparent has zero parenting skills as when my husband was growing up she chose to drink instead of parent and she really has not got a clue how to be a parent, let alone a grandparent.

She chose to not see them as babies and only took interest when they were toddlers.

Thirdly, this was not a holiday 'abroad' it was to Northern Ireland. No swimming was planned!

They are teenagers, so do not have interest in 'playing' outside. Walking and mountain climbing yes which they had suitable clothes and footwear for.

We was in Spain a couple of weeks ago and it was planned she would get her (16th birthday present, piercings) done when we came home. So it was planned. Which you would know if you read my previous posts.

Northern Ireland is not 'abroad' in my eyes and the activities we were informed about were fine to have them pierced.

Anyway. All done and finished now. So no reason to comment at all really.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 20/08/2023 11:33

Grammarnut · 19/08/2023 14:05

I find everyone on here very controlling. I would never treat either of my (late) mothers-in-law as you are suggesting. How disrespectful to an older woman with more experience of life than you, who wants to give her GC a treat? Admittedly I got on well with both, though the first was a controlling woman who put her sons before everything else (culture) - I was always nice and generally affectionate and had the status of a son with her, so she put me first too (and she annoyed the socks off me, but showing it is no way to achieve peace). Perhaps the MIL is a bit controlling, but so is the OP. And why is a girl of sixteen having multiple piercings just before she goes away and where she might want to swim? Bit disorganised. I am either the same generation as MIL or the one above. I would not expect to be treated by daughters-in-law like this (it's rude) nor have my GD, now 11, tell me she didn't want to do what I had arranged - mind, I would ask before I arranged it, which is a foolish thing not to have done IMO, so we would be good to go. Lighten up, do. Accept the treat. Get DH to buy swimwear (the aggro of that will teach him a huge lesson) and show your DDs how to treat their grandmother in order to achieve harmony.

The OP and the rest of the family didn't know what the MiL had planned. It was a 'surprise'...

And as an Older Woman and MiL, MiL sounds like a nightmare...

Rosscameasdoody · 20/08/2023 11:33

Cailin66 · 20/08/2023 11:17

Why buys expensive brand new clothing for children going on holiday to their grandparents. They would surely be playing outside, climbing hills, going to the lake, or seaside. In their summer holidays. It's super easy to drop into Dunnes or Penneys and buy a cheap tshirt and shorts if you're that bother about clothing. And as you are so bothered why didn't you pack some activity clothes.

I've also never seen such micro managing of children with their parent, a grown adult, and visiting another grown adult, a grandmother with parenting experience. Of a 16 year old. Bonkers.

And if that wasn't bad enough, with the bad blood expressed about the grandmother, who on earth would you get the piercing done just before a trip abroad.

Show quote history

The piercing was done before the trip was known about.

Nanny0gg · 20/08/2023 11:34

Grammarnut · 19/08/2023 16:17

Typical modern paranoia about open water. A lake is not going to be dirty, especially if it's a water park. Probably chlorinated. It certainly won't be stagnant - that makes water smell foul and a commercial organisation isn't going to let that happen because it's a turn-off for the customers. Honestly, swimming in a lake is going to do no-one any harm. My children swam in rivers and lakes as well as the sea all over Europe and in India, they did watersports in lakes in Wales, went canoing with scouts, Duke of Edinburgh award, school trips. Never, ever any infections. Mind, I did not allow my daughter to have ear piercings - or any - until she was about 18, when she had ears and nose pierced (cultural custom, not punkish!), but soon gave up on the nose piercing as too much trouble. GD has ears pierced now, but I do not remember any prohibitions on going swimming etc. Nor for myself the couple of times I have had it done. MIL has offered a trip, say thankyou, GDs, nicely. She won't be around forever.

Show quote history

OFFS

Spare us the 'she won't be around forever' malarky

So what? Doesn't mean she can do what she likes when others (the DD in question for a start) don't want to do what she's planned

Nanny0gg · 20/08/2023 11:36

Oioicaptain · 19/08/2023 18:25

It's been 2 weeks since they were pierced. I would have thought the chances of infection would be relatively low. Could she cover them with waterproof plasters? There are some very good ones out there. Then use surgical spirit to clean just in case afterwards.

How do you cover a tragus piercing with a plaster?

And the OP has listened to what the actual piercer had to advise

Nanny0gg · 20/08/2023 11:37

AlfietheSchnauzer · 20/08/2023 10:21

YABVVVVVU for allowing a child to get such ridiculous piercings

The DD is 16! Not 6. She can choose what to do with her own body

Nanny0gg · 20/08/2023 11:39

Cailin66 · 20/08/2023 11:17

Why buys expensive brand new clothing for children going on holiday to their grandparents. They would surely be playing outside, climbing hills, going to the lake, or seaside. In their summer holidays. It's super easy to drop into Dunnes or Penneys and buy a cheap tshirt and shorts if you're that bother about clothing. And as you are so bothered why didn't you pack some activity clothes.

I've also never seen such micro managing of children with their parent, a grown adult, and visiting another grown adult, a grandmother with parenting experience. Of a 16 year old. Bonkers.

And if that wasn't bad enough, with the bad blood expressed about the grandmother, who on earth would you get the piercing done just before a trip abroad.

Show quote history

The DD is 16! She isn't going to be 'playing' anywhere!

And the DD had her ears done when she came back from her family holiday abroad!

Mikimoto · 20/08/2023 12:05

Cailin66 · 20/08/2023 11:17

Why buys expensive brand new clothing for children going on holiday to their grandparents. They would surely be playing outside, climbing hills, going to the lake, or seaside. In their summer holidays. It's super easy to drop into Dunnes or Penneys and buy a cheap tshirt and shorts if you're that bother about clothing. And as you are so bothered why didn't you pack some activity clothes.

I've also never seen such micro managing of children with their parent, a grown adult, and visiting another grown adult, a grandmother with parenting experience. Of a 16 year old. Bonkers.

And if that wasn't bad enough, with the bad blood expressed about the grandmother, who on earth would you get the piercing done just before a trip abroad.

Show quote history

Climbing hills? Activity clothes?
Are you Enid Blyton's ghost?

Cailin66 · 20/08/2023 12:46

Mikimoto · 20/08/2023 12:05

Climbing hills? Activity clothes?
Are you Enid Blyton's ghost?

Show quote history

The OP mentioned her daughter was an outdoorsy girl. She specifically mentioned how good a swimmer and mountain climber she is.

My 17 year old nephew is at the sea side (camp site of mobile homes) in Ireland with a load of teenagers of all ages, they don't put on good clothes to mess around on the beach, the hills, the rocks, cliffs or hanging out together. But they do have 'good gear' for checking out the girls or heading out for the night. Most summer activity in Ireland is water based, as it's an island, full of rivers and lakes. And yes there are mountains too, hills. All free.

Before today I never heard of lake water leaving marks on clothing.

greyhairnomore · 20/08/2023 12:50

Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 15/08/2023 06:54

Tell DD to tell her dad she has her period and can’t swim.

Lie ?

BlueBlubbaWhale · 20/08/2023 12:54

Yanbu. If people book expensive things without checking everyone can/wants to do it, that's their own fault

screentimehelpplease · 20/08/2023 13:21

AlfietheSchnauzer · 20/08/2023 10:21

YABVVVVVU for allowing a child to get such ridiculous piercings

She's 16, not 6! Where I live load of teens have their noses pierced. Their body, their choice.

Original poster
YorkshireLucy · 20/08/2023 13:35

AlfietheSchnauzer · 20/08/2023 10:21

YABVVVVVU for allowing a child to get such ridiculous piercings

Wow! Judgemental much!??
She also had her first set of ear lobe piercings when she was 5! So I must be the most terrible, worst mum ever 😂

OP posts:
JudgeRudy · 20/08/2023 15:13

The most worrying thing for me here is that your daughter felt the need to ring you and ask for help....when her dad's there! If he can't be trusted to care for them properly I wouldn't be letting him take them anywhere. I'd also be considering my own relationship with that person.
You've raised your concerns (which are those of your daughter)and they've been dismissed. I'd be driving over to pick my children up.

Justcallmrsc · 20/08/2023 15:34

I respectfully disagree. Open water like that is blooming filthy and does pose a significant infection risk. I got an ear infection from going somewhere similar with fresh water like this. OP's feelings about MIL are besides the point.

Justcallmrsc · 20/08/2023 15:43

*I agree with OP

BlueMongoose · 20/08/2023 15:58

Justcallmebebes · 15/08/2023 07:12

Well most kids would be thrilled with a trip to a water park and swimming 2 weeks after piercings should be fine.

I think you're being very unreasonable and if I'd forked out £90 I'd want them to go in too

MIL ought to have asked parents' permission to take kids to a waterpark in the first place. Then this could all have been avoided. 9 times out of 10 conflict is caused by lousy communication (intentional or otherwise).