MIL taking my daughter to lake waterpark

[YorkshireLucy]

So, my DH has taken my children (16 and 13) to visit her for a few days.

I had a message from my 16 year old panicking because grandma has booked a day at a lake doing watersports.

My DD has just had her ears pierced (seconds and tragus so 3 altogether). She was told not to go swimming in the first few weeks and to be careful for a couple of months after that. It is less than two weeks since she had them done. She should especially avoid open water.

Now, grandma has told her she WILL go and she WILL enjoy herself because she's paid over £90 for this.

I'm fuming. She never mentioned this and never asked them to pack swimwear. She's told them to put an old T-shirt and pants on under a wetsuit? They only have nice new clothes with them that will get ruined!

For context my MIL has form for this. She's quite controlling and a bit of a bully. Constantly makes my children feel like crap. She's passive aggressive with me which is why I personally refuse to see her now. But hubby insisted on this trip.

I get she's paid for a fun activity but has completely disregarded my daughters feelings and worries about this. What if her ears get caught on a helmet or worse get infected?

As for my husband, I'll be speaking to him before they go. Can't believe he's not stuck up for her or said anything (well I can, but that's another story). He knows she shouldn't be getting her piercings wet through swimming/activities like this.

AIBU to not want to let them go?

I know you're just trying to be helpful but dislike it when people think girls can't swim because they're on their period.

I agree. Can she stick a waterproof plaster over her piercings? Ridiculous to say she needs to wait months before swimming. If she's a healthy 16-year-old the piercings should be fine by now. I'm presuming DH thinks this too.

Never said that's what I'd do. She has period swimwear and does go swimming when on a period. I just said that's what my mum said - that's all.

OP ignore the people saying it would be fine. My SIL is a professional piercer and said absolutely no way! My son can’t go in to open water either due to ear tubes as there’s some nasty bacteria lurking in those lakes. I’d never go in one myself personally. Grandma is a weirdo for booking that without asking and that’s her problem. I’d go and collect my daughter but honestly your husband needs to stand up to his mother and tell her NO.

It is not a water park though which is quite safe with clean water and proper supervised flumes etc. It us a lake with inflatables which is a whole new level of danger if the girls haven't got swimming and lifeguard quals themselves.plus dirty for the piercing which is relevant but what about the fact it is a lake? A kid died recently at one of those and noone found them for hours under the inflatable, think was a school trip?

Yes many people can, I couldn't because my periods are so heavy I have to wear pads and tampons and change both every couple of hours. Some women just don't feel comfortable swimming during their period they may feel more body conscious, worry about leaks etc. I think that's ok. We're all different. If my daughter didn't want to swim during her period then that's totally acceptable. No reason to lie about it though. She's worried about her piercings, she doesn't want to go in knickers and a t-shirt, that's her perogative.

This is what she's like all the time. Just doesn't take anyone else's considerations to mind.

🤣 yes, exactly.

OP, is MIL also taking part? If not then she’s even more of an ass! I’d hate hate hate this activity and wouldn’t want to do it at all.

Also WHY are some women insisting that ALL women can swim on their period? No, some of us seriously cannot. I absolutely would never swim on my period. I have to wear a tampon and 2 pads and sometimes a nappy and my endometriosis often causes severe cramping and diarhea too. A lake is the last place I would be going!

No. My DD is very grateful for anything. She knows the she is fortunate to experience things that others can't. As a teenager she is not a 'typical' one who moans and groans about things, far from it. She is an outdoorsy girl having recently done her DofE and has climbed mountains. Loves swimming but knew when she had her piercings she would have to wait a while.
She never grumbles about anything which is why she contacted me in a panic as she didn't know what to do.

Exactly. As if a piercing heals in 2 weeks 😂

Everyone is getting bogged down here about periods and piercings....she doesn't WANT to do it. That's enough. I wouldn't have wanted to do water sports in a cold lake at 16 either. Certainly not when it's been sprung on me as enforced fun by my unpleasant granny. Funnily enough, everyone likes different things. I'd happily jump a horse over a 1.40m course but I wouldn't enjoy bumbling round an inflatable obstacle course in a wetsuit. I'd have been horrified at 16. Particularly at the suggestion I wore bloody pants underneath (and yes, I know nobody else will see her pants, but I'd have have felt really uncomfortable and gross). Nobody would think of threatening an adult into doing an activity they didn't like, it shouldn't be any different for a 16 year old. If she doesn't want to get her piercings wet then that's the final say. She is the one who will have to deal with the discomfort and issues IF they get infected or pulled out/knocked. She doesn't want to take the risk.

Thanks all.
Obviously different perspectives here and I have read most of the comments. I appreciate all your replies.
So, they are there right now and she has opted to change her activity to canoeing (she said she'll be careful not to get tipped in!).
I'm glad that she has come to a compromise.
I didn't come here to use this so I could 'moan' about my MIL as some suggested.
There is much more history to this than I care to explain and trust me, I have lot's of stories I could tell everyone about this woman.
She is toxic but my girls do see that. They see how she excludes me from silly things like Christmas cards. To her, I don't exist. But that's fine. I'm a big girl and can deal with that, but I won't have her being disrespectful to my children.
They don't like seeing her and that's fine too. It won't be happening again unless on their terms.

My 15yo had her piercing done last July. They have been a bloody pain to get healed. I wouldn't have allowed watersports in a lake within 2 weeks of it. She went in the sea about 7 weeks afterwards - and that is really salty.

Your MIL needs to understand that your dd can't go in a lake with fresh piercings. And also needs to understand that she can't force a 16yo to go in a lake under any circumstances. She might have spent £90 but her refusal to lose any part of that could cost her the relationship. Seeing as she likes to make nasty comments about her clothing anyway.

"Why isnt DH intervening? Was there emotional abuse when he was a child?"

Ffs, who cares? He needs to stick up for his kids or not put them in that position.

That’s hopefully a good compromise re the canoeing. She’s still participating in something but more on her terms.

Your daughter sounds so sensible OP! She found a great compromise. I’m so sorry your MIL treats you like shit and your husband doesn’t say anything about it. I wouldn’t want to have much to do with my family if they were so awful to my husband. Well done for not going! I’m sure your girls are going to follow suit as they get older too.

Sounds like an ok compromise OP. Perhaps she should cover them just in case

Sounds like she was teasing and again you or your Dd are looking for excuses not to like her.

If she is canoeing the first thing they will do is teach them to capsize and correct safely!

From what I've heard it's a double canoe type boat and they are just using it to paddle around the lake. Not like 'proper' canoeing.

We did kayaking recently and avoided getting in the water! So it can be done

It is odd that the OP even has to clarify that the MIL/GMA has form for being a bully, when she is describing what is clearly passive aggressive, coercive behaviour with a bit of emotional blackmail thrown in for good measure.

OP, I wonder if MN is the best place to seek advice over MILs you are no/low contact with. You will get some deeply minimising rhetorics from people who believe in FAAAMILLEEE no matter what, even in the face of the bonkers behaviour you are describing.

Navigating a marriage where there is a problematic in law, and a spouse who is so deep in the FOG that they look the other way, even when the bad behaviour is directed at your children, is very, very hard and many marriages don't survive this far. I think it is impressive that you have made it as far as having two teenage daughters who feel able to be upfront with you about the latest tricks you MIL is up to when you are not there.

I don't really have much to suggest other than making this the last trip your DDs make to see their Gma without you, especially if this bastard lake trip goes ahead, and investing in some couples counselling with your DH when he gets back if this causes a disagreement between the two of you.

If contact continues some family counselling involving your DDs might also be helpful to help them navigate trips with their father to see their Gma.

It sounds like the best bet for your daughters is they learn to speak up for their needs, and if necessary have a bit of compassion and solidarity with each other and feel they can count on a united front with their sibling.

We have a Canadian canoe and none of us have fallen in in the three years we've owned it.. its not like kayaking, which a lot less stable.

But she isnt kayaking, she is canoeing! I only mentioned kayaking in response to the PP who says they'll get her to capsize etc