MIL taking my daughter to lake waterpark

[YorkshireLucy]

So, my DH has taken my children (16 and 13) to visit her for a few days.

I had a message from my 16 year old panicking because grandma has booked a day at a lake doing watersports.

My DD has just had her ears pierced (seconds and tragus so 3 altogether). She was told not to go swimming in the first few weeks and to be careful for a couple of months after that. It is less than two weeks since she had them done. She should especially avoid open water.

Now, grandma has told her she WILL go and she WILL enjoy herself because she's paid over £90 for this.

I'm fuming. She never mentioned this and never asked them to pack swimwear. She's told them to put an old T-shirt and pants on under a wetsuit? They only have nice new clothes with them that will get ruined!

For context my MIL has form for this. She's quite controlling and a bit of a bully. Constantly makes my children feel like crap. She's passive aggressive with me which is why I personally refuse to see her now. But hubby insisted on this trip.

I get she's paid for a fun activity but has completely disregarded my daughters feelings and worries about this. What if her ears get caught on a helmet or worse get infected?

As for my husband, I'll be speaking to him before they go. Can't believe he's not stuck up for her or said anything (well I can, but that's another story). He knows she shouldn't be getting her piercings wet through swimming/activities like this.

AIBU to not want to let them go?

You may need to be confrontational. Ring MIL and tell her your daughter is not going, period and there is no room for discussion. Let her know that your daughters are not visiting so they can be bullied into undertaking a day out they don’t wish to take part in. I suggest you also ring your husband and offer to fly out and help him find his backbone. Make it clear, this is not happening.

More to the point you say MIL has form for this, so why do you continue to send them there and then have to deal with the uncomfortable situations for all involved? I wouldn't bother sending them anymore.

So I don’t wish to alarm but I did catch a rare bad infection from outside water from a cut in my finger that lead to a week long stay on Iv antibiotics, so do not think that mum is over reacting. (acetobacter) I actually came pretty close to sepsis.
Children teens of any age should not be forced to do activities, just because adult of supposed authority says so. They are allowed to say I don’t want to do something.
it almost feels like purposely disregarding comfort (saying to wear their clothes) any sane grandparent would by swimming costumes, it almost feels like an act of humiliation as they didn’t go along with what she planned. I feel water sport requires some written consent from a parent, as my mum gave some when we went on a school trip to Wales but she retraced consent for a activity , they made me to it and got in trouble. So pretty sure you could call and say that you don’t give consent for them to do the activities.

The clothing issue is a non - issue. They can just go in pants under a wetsuit and shorts and a T-Shirt don’t get ruined by getting wet. That’s a daft excuse.
Presumably DD washes her hair? So ears get wet anyway? The ears will be fine, she can just bathe them in antiseptic lotion afterwards.
The BIG issue is - Is it you who doesn’t want them to go because you hate mother in law? (I get that btw, I hate mine and am always awkward whenever I can be, because she’s a bitch) Or do they genuinely not want to go? They are old enough to be asked and if they were asked and agreed before tickets were purchased then they should go. If they weren’t asked, and don’t want to go then they should just say no. They are old enough. Just No. And if it escalates then tell them to train home or go and get them. Is DH with them there?

My DD had ears pierced in June. She wanted to go in lake during July. We didn't as her ears showed signs of infection after we forgot to spray with saline spray. I wouldn't be letting her in dirty water after 2 weeks. Not a mission.

Op can your daughter look online to see what the water sports are? Or if she can watch/participate in other activities? If she's windsurfing for example she's likely not going to be fully submerged (unless she falls in but that's not mega likely!).

Get your husband to drive to a shop and buy them a swimming costume each, problem solved re getting clothes wet.

Does younger DD want to do it?

It all sounds very melodramatic!

RTFT people, the activity day has already been and gone

Washing your hair isn’t the same as swimming in open water - it’s stagnant and harbours all kinds of germs. It’s a tragus piercing and they are notoriously prone to infection and can take up to a year to heal. The point is not that the OP hates MiL, it’s that this activity was booked without checking first and the advice to DD was not to take part in activities like this until the piercing had healed. OP has already said DD doesn’t want to do it.

How is washing your hair with clean water comparable to swimming in a lake?!

Professional piercers recommend you do not swim for a period of time, my one states a minimum for 8 weeks!

A lot of people have very clearly not understood the OP”s post, or are swerving round the issue of the piercing so they can bash her for MiL hating !!

Bulllying and controlling MIL and unsupportive husband situation can be difficult to understand unless you have been there yourself - husband will have survived years of her behaviour before he met you. Quick solution is to explain calmly to MIL, preferably in front of husband and kids, why this won't be happening. Then hand her the £90. Smile and use a reasonable tone whilst you do this. Never too late in the game to put your foot down - it will be lively for a bit but things will improve and the relief will be unbelievable.

It isn't recommended to ' bathe piercings in antiseptic lotion' anymore. After a couple of weeks it shouldn't even be sprayed with saline, it should be left alone. You don't clean a tragus piercing or even move it. Every time it's touched you risk it forming a bump and that can lengthen the healing by weeks. Definitely no swimming in a dirty lake.

I honestly don't think a 16 year old will want to go back to Grandma's and be treated like a little girl again next year.

Your mil is an old fashioned bully, going non- contact is the best thing you could do.
Did your daughters enjoy the wet cold experience of a (not) lifetime?

Forget about the piercings for a moment. She is a 16 yo young woman. How dare MIL say she WILL go and she WILL enjoy herself. She has a mind of her own and if she doesn't feel comfortable in pants and a t shirt then MIL should respect that. Now add the piercings back in, and that is even more reason for MIL to respect her DGD wishes. She doesn't want an infection.

I find everyone on here very controlling. I would never treat either of my (late) mothers-in-law as you are suggesting. How disrespectful to an older woman with more experience of life than you, who wants to give her GC a treat? Admittedly I got on well with both, though the first was a controlling woman who put her sons before everything else (culture) - I was always nice and generally affectionate and had the status of a son with her, so she put me first too (and she annoyed the socks off me, but showing it is no way to achieve peace). Perhaps the MIL is a bit controlling, but so is the OP. And why is a girl of sixteen having multiple piercings just before she goes away and where she might want to swim? Bit disorganised. I am either the same generation as MIL or the one above. I would not expect to be treated by daughters-in-law like this (it's rude) nor have my GD, now 11, tell me she didn't want to do what I had arranged - mind, I would ask before I arranged it, which is a foolish thing not to have done IMO, so we would be good to go. Lighten up, do. Accept the treat. Get DH to buy swimwear (the aggro of that will teach him a huge lesson) and show your DDs how to treat their grandmother in order to achieve harmony.

Typical modern paranoia about open water. A lake is not going to be dirty, especially if it's a water park. Probably chlorinated. It certainly won't be stagnant - that makes water smell foul and a commercial organisation isn't going to let that happen because it's a turn-off for the customers. Honestly, swimming in a lake is going to do no-one any harm. My children swam in rivers and lakes as well as the sea all over Europe and in India, they did watersports in lakes in Wales, went canoing with scouts, Duke of Edinburgh award, school trips. Never, ever any infections. Mind, I did not allow my daughter to have ear piercings - or any - until she was about 18, when she had ears and nose pierced (cultural custom, not punkish!), but soon gave up on the nose piercing as too much trouble. GD has ears pierced now, but I do not remember any prohibitions on going swimming etc. Nor for myself the couple of times I have had it done. MIL has offered a trip, say thankyou, GDs, nicely. She won't be around forever.

What???
Having read the whole thread, I have 2 thoughts. First of all, your DD wouldn’t be forced to go into the water, she could have said no when she got there. Second, if she did want to go in, her father I assume would have been perfectly capable of nipping out and buying the dc some swimwear?
Talk about making a drama out of it!!!

No, DH should nip out and buy her swimwear.

I'm glad you got on with your MIL's. Believe you me I have done my best over the years to get mine to like me. I always treated her birthdays and Christmas but never received anything in return - not even a card. But she always sent gifts for my husband. This I shrugged off.
She leaves my name out of Chrustmas cards too (passive aggressive in my opinion).
She didn't want to see either grandchild when they were born as, in her words, babies are boring they will be more interesting when they're older!
I am not controlling in the slightest. If I was, the children would not have even gone to see her in the first place. But, I would never stop a grandmother from seeing her grandchildren. The children can make their own minds up about her. They pretty much have and have voiced they don't want to go out for a visit again. But will see her if she comes over here.
I have never been rude to her even when she has been full on swearing at me.
As for poor organising. My daughter wanted piercings. It was her 16th birthday gift. We waited until back from Spain as we knew she couldn't swim otherwise (that yo me was being organised!) The trip to Granmothers there was absolutely no mention of water activities AT ALL. So really don't see how I'm disorganised?
Also my children do not disrespect any of their elders at all.
So, not really sure how you come up with all these assumptions about me.
Rude, I am not. Just sick of being controlled and walked all over for most of my life. I will certainly do my best to not allow that for my daughters.

Your MIL sounds extremely difficult, for which I am sorry. My second MIL was very nice and I got on with her with no effort at all. Effort for her predecessor. I am sorry I upset you in any way. My apologies.

It's been 2 weeks since they were pierced. I would have thought the chances of infection would be relatively low. Could she cover them with waterproof plasters? There are some very good ones out there. Then use surgical spirit to clean just in case afterwards.

Most of the advice 9nline says to avoid swimming for the first 2 weeks, but if you can't avoid it, to wear a waterproof plaster.

YABVVVVVU for allowing a child to get such ridiculous piercings

A tragus and seconds are not ridiculous piercings and 16 is not a child. A 16 year old can get them done without parental consent so no allowing needed.

It says wait until the piercing has healed...

Can I go swimming after a piercing?

You should avoid swimming for at least 24 hours after having a piercing, and ideally until it has healed properly. While it's still healing, it's important to keep the piercing dry as there's a risk of infection.

How long will it take to heal?

A new body piercing may be red and tender for a few weeks. The healing time for a body piercing can vary depending on which part of your body is pierced and how well you look after it.

As a general guide, healing times for the most common body piercings can be:

ear lobe – 6 to 8 weeks
top of the ear – 6 to 8 weeks
belly button (navel) – 6 months to 1 year
nose – up to 6 months
tongue – 2 to 4 weeks
Swimming

It's possible to pick up an infection from any body of water, so while your piercing heals you should avoid swimming in:

swimming pools
streams, lakes and rivers
the sea

You should also avoid using hot tubs.

For a tragus piercing it’s at least three months and they are notoriously difficult to heal - some can take up to three months. And a waterproof plaster won’t protect from the germs present in the stagnant water of a lake.