AIBU to not want DH to engage with homeless man while baby DC is in his arms

[Fieryflips]

DH always tries to give charity when he can (a trait I have always admired) any time he sees a homeless person he will give if he has some loose change.

Yesterday we were in a London food court in a shopping mall and a homeless man came up to our table for change. Our 3 month old baby was sat on the side of the table the homeless man came to and DH was also on that side. The man was approaching all the tables, I said we didn't have any change. I really didn't have any change but also I was a bit nervous because DC was right there. DH said for the man to wait and gave him change.

I told DH not to engage people like that when DC was about because it makes me nervous and you don't know what could happen but DH thinks I'm being unreasonable. AIBU?

Well for the same reason you wouldn’t have a dementia unit and a mother and baby unit, or a cancer clinic and a mother and baby unit, or a dentist and a mother and baby unit. Because you need different services, and differently skilled staff. That’s a silly argument.

No it's not.

Ok..how about a homeless single mum with a newborn baby... would she want to be housed in a hostel with single homeless men?

Or would you like to live in a block of flats where homeless people sleep in the stairwell or lift?

Well I did live in a block of flats where homeless people slept in our bike store and openly did heroin, one neighbour was stabbed by her mentally ill partner, and where one of my neighbours regularly overdosed and had to have her door broken down in the early hours and while I can’t say it was the best environment to have small children in - which I did, I lived there until they were 5 and 8 - I never worried about my children’s safety. And it hasn’t made me less compassionate towards people. Also no one has asked the OP to take her baby to live with this homeless man, she is stressed about his presence in a public place in the middle of the day.

So you weren't worried for your dcs safety but you concede that it wasn't the best environment for them to live in? Whys that?

🤣🤣🤣 it’s pretty obvious why, that’s not a clever point! But as I said, no one is asking the OP to live in this environment - she’s angry with her DP about a not at an all comparative brief interaction. Do you think that’s the same as living in the environment I described? I’m not reluctantly conceding it - I’m stating it as a fact! But the OP is specifically talking about feeling unsafe and I’m saying I didn’t feel unsafe. I’d be a bit of a weirdo if I didn’t see people shooting up and feel that this wasn’t how people should be living, them by the way, not me!

I think you have worded it somewhat clumsily but I can see what you mean and I agree. We were in Birmingham recently and their were people begging in the middle of the road. I did not let dh roll down his window when asked for change. There are better ways to donate to help the homeless.

I also asked DH not to do that one time.

Lots of people have said it isn't unusual for people begging to have mental health issues or substance abuse issues etc. and I personally feel it can be worrying when approached by them. I am certainly never going to speak as rudely as a PP did on here to anyone approaching me and I would always be polite. I grew up in London and I've had many unpleasant experiences with strangers approaching me.

I am also sorry for how much anger my post has created. It wasn't intended like that. I would love for my DC to grow up with kindness and compassion but I do also worry for my baby's safety. Like I said, I've had a few unpleasant experiences growing up and I'm just wary of that.

PS. For someone critiquing how I worded my post, I didn't really give it that much thought when writing it, apols for the confusing wording - I think I was just trying to get across that I was sat on the inside (like a booth seat) and both DH and DC were on the outside seat and nearer to the stranger.

My DSS has adored this homeless man who hangs out by our local church playing the harmonica, we have never had an issue with them interacting and now he also plays the harmonica. Although to say it isn’t catching DSS most defo does want to be a homeless harmonica player when his older ! 🤣

there are huge addiction and serious mental and physical health issues in the homeless community. Your instinct is right. Women are told to be kind far too much. Homeless men are not living saints that women need to accommodate.

YABU

Jesus, I'm sure you must recognize this is not a safe thing to do, even worse to put you dc in that position. Next time you want to virtue signal keep your dc away from it!

I hope your not like this when your child is older .. they learn by example .. my sons still remember we always use to get a meal for the homeless man who's plot was outside the The cinema every time we went when they were little

You would think I’m a lunatic as I not only help by giving change or buying food but I tend to engage in conversation with those who seem open to it .

You are so right . My 7 year old will ask to buy food to people if she sees a homeless person and or pet food if they have a dog . My mum and dad used to buy a homeless guy in my hometown a got a drink and a sandwich every time we went shopping . I still remember it to this day.

Your instincts are there for a reason listen to them and don't allow anyone here to tell you they're wrong.
DB is homeless, has been for years. He is an addict with serious MH issues who is very unpredictable, he has been known to swear and act aggressively to people who have not given him money, any money he does get is spent on drugs or alcohol making him even more of a danger to the public, all you do gooders who think you're helping by giving money your not, you making things much worse for everyone involved, please I beg you don't give them money. Food, blankets etc... yes but please not money.

I have bought a good deal of food for homeless people in the past. A while ago when I was living in another town I noticed the homeless guy who would sit by the bus shelter drew cars really well so I bought him some car magazines and art supplies and he was really happy. I'm not a monster, I just didn't want the man near my baby.

We're also practising Muslims which means we must give a percentage of our savings to charity and never deny anyone of food and water etc so I generally do give where I can.

I agree with this.

And this is why I find it unbelievable people are encouraging and supporting begging. Who is most likely to get sworn and intimidated if they say no? Women, and vulnerable people not to mention POC too.

These people don’t want to accept they’re not being helpful and there are far better yet less performative /feel goody ways of helping the situation like electing better politicians, putting pressure on governments at all levels to provide better addiction treatment and doing something about the complex problem of care leavers not being supported. Or giving regular donations to a homeless charity or volunteering at a soup kitchen like I did when I was at uni.

For all those saying oh you could be homeless next…and? This isn’t about all homeless people - I’ve been homeless but not once did I go round asking for money. A large majority of homeless people are not doing this. This is about a certain sub-section who by and large have addiction issues, who ask complete strangers on the street for their money and sometimes turn aggressive when denied it. Many of them live in hostels or temporary housing where one condition of them staying there is NOT to take drugs and by doing this they are also risking their shelter. Some even live with family.

It’s not helpful in the long term to fund their habit. We NEED better substance abuse treatment!

https://www.endinghomelessness.uk/2013/10/killing-with-kindness.html?m=1

Having lived in London I think you are unnecessarily being given a hard time from posters. It is well known there is not enough support for people with mental health issues and they sadly end up on the streets. I showed a man kindness once by smiling in a friendly way to him and he followed me to my bank (I had my toddler with me) making throat cutting signs at the window while looking at us - the bank called the police and it took and hour for them to come. The police said lots of mental health issues on the streets and it’s likely I was the only person who has smiled at him for a while so caught his attention.

“People like that”…..wow.

DH works with the homeless and it’s scary just how easy it is to get in that position through no fault of your own.

Please
stop with the dangerous homeless in London posts.
I’ve live in centralLondon and there are plenty of homeless people, people with drug addictions, people with
mental health problems in my area. I’ve never once been attacked or threatened on the street by someone asking for change. Not saying it never happens but it’s hardly the norm/
common. There was essentially zero risk to your baby out in the day in public posed by a passing stranger, homeless or not. You take much bigger risks with your baby everyday . Whether the man Possibly had Drug , health , mental health problems is irrelevant. Aww This thread is dripping with pure prejudice and nastiness towards a vulnerable segment of the population. Just shows how narrow minded people really are.

You still don't say WHY though.

What do you think will happen to your baby?

I'd agree about giving money and food.

But the baby wasn't at risk of harm at all which is what OP is somehow implying.

It really isn't helpful giving money or food in the long run.

It stops them accessing the services they need.

I give to the homeless shelter and point any people who ask me for money/milkshakes/food to the shelter and offer to pay for their bed for the night if they come with me there, 99% of the time they don't want that.