AIBU to not want DH to engage with homeless man while baby DC is in his arms

[Fieryflips]

DH always tries to give charity when he can (a trait I have always admired) any time he sees a homeless person he will give if he has some loose change.

Yesterday we were in a London food court in a shopping mall and a homeless man came up to our table for change. Our 3 month old baby was sat on the side of the table the homeless man came to and DH was also on that side. The man was approaching all the tables, I said we didn't have any change. I really didn't have any change but also I was a bit nervous because DC was right there. DH said for the man to wait and gave him change.

I told DH not to engage people like that when DC was about because it makes me nervous and you don't know what could happen but DH thinks I'm being unreasonable. AIBU?

Some practical steps going forward:

You need therapy because you sound like you're suffering from PND

Your dh should keep change in his pocket to donate so he doesn't need to take his wallet out in public.

You can't catch poor, people fall in hard times for all sorts of reasons.

It's changed here in central London since Covid. I've been followed and harrassed by someone after giving them some change on three separate occasions. It was frightening and I would have felt even more scared had I had my child with me, terrified had I a baby with me and was in the post partum months of physical attachment and awareness of motherhood.

In fact, before Covid, I was shouted and sworn at by a man I gave money for cigarettes to in the street, while my baby was in his pushchair beside me. He yelled abuse at me and followed me a few metres up the street, I think because I'd given him a pound and he wanted more. That was in Covent Garden.

Sorry to hear that happened to you, but there’s no point fear mongering and overblowing the risks. The fact is 7 million people live in London and for the most part we are safe out and about in the daytime in public spaces, despite all the homeless/mentally ill/drug addicts. I live here still. Certainly there are a some shifts since Covid with more vulnerable people around, but I have never been harmed in a public space and certainly none of my babies ever have.

Sure you do 🙄

God the works has gone mad! I was playing peek a boo with a baby in a queue the other day, the bay was laughing and the mum threw me such a filthy stare 😁. Had to laugh.

I remember when my dd was tiny, a friend who I knew to be HIV+ asked to hold her. For a split second I had an atavistic mother fear moment. Then I got over myself because I knew I was being silly. Same applies here. OK to have the moment of irrational fear. Not OK to act on it.

The last thing a person without a place to live needs is a bloody baby. Catch yourself on OP. Good lord.

It's not fearmongering, it's just offering empathy to a new mother feeling vulnerable when strangers approach when she's out and about with a small baby.

I'm pointing out that aggressive begging does happen and it's natural to feel vulnerable when you have a baby.

Completely unreasonable. The man is homeless not a child abuser jeez. This a really gross post.

I don’t know about “dangerous in London homeless posts” but I’ve had at least one unsettling and or / negative experiences with street beggars (who may have been homeless ) in Brussels, in Liverpool, in Glasgow, in London and in Brighton.

There are women who don’t like talking to strange men in general because of one negative experience, are you saying they should just say “it’s not common” and put aside their discomfort?

And I’m sure what people are describing here is more common that you think, just because it’s not happening to you it’s doesn’t mean it’s super rare.

I wish I could find it but there was a thread here a few months ago with a Non-white woman (can’t remember but possibly Asian) she was terrified going to work because there was a man begging outside something like Tesco in Canary Wharf who used to shoot racist abuse at her. She was quite new to the UK as well.

There’s actual harm (rare) and intimidation, not rare. Personally I give to a homeless charity. Not directly to people begging. @Fieryflips Why not set up a dd to a homeless charity if you care about this?

My DDs don’t have babies but there is threatening behaviour on the streets. They often see such behaviour. Being approached by men is never a great feeling. Ones on drugs or with MH issues can be intimidating. You are lucky if you can avoid this in London. I simply would say no and encourage DH to give in a more responsible way.

What a great role model for your child you are!! Where is your empathy? Instead of judging why not get the man some food!!

There seems to be two approaches on this thread:

-The sensible and realistic one: from people who have experience of living in big cities and who have witnessed or be the target of 'aggressive begging' (often by criminal gangs or by people who beg simply to feed a drug or alcohol habit, groups of people who will quickly become intimidating) or from housing/charity professionals who have real experience of supporting homeless people and know that many have complex needs (alcohol, drugs, mental health issues) that can make them volatile. These groups completely understand that it is not always the best idea to interact with homeless people and that supporting them through charities is often the best approach.

-The one where homelessness is romanticised and where people who simply urge caution are vilified for being unsupportive.

OP, there is no need to justify your behaviour, to me it is perfectly reasonable and sensible.

I also think that, working in the sector, the situation has got much worse and people more aggressive in the past few years as funding is being cut for mental health, rehab services and housing support. This is why we are seeing more violence on the frontline in schools, hospitals/A&E and so on and professionals are leaving the sectors. People are very welcome to try to sugar coat this. I prefer being realistic...

🤣🤣🤣🤣

Oh and all those fights and aggression are aimed towards a baby?

I told DH not to engage people like that

People like that?

This is embarrassing for you, OP. YABVVVVU.

There seems to be two approaches on this thread

The sensible and realistic one’s and the silly people who don’t agree with your opinions?

um yeh I used to work with homeless people.

I’m not sure why you want to offer empathy towards someone promoting bigoted and harmful stereotypes against a very marginalised and vulnerable group of people (the homeless).
OP wasn’t vulnerable in the situation, she was in a public place with her DH right there holding her baby.

I live in a large city and have experience working with the homeless and think OP is ridiculous.
HTH.

That homeless man was someone's PFB once. Let's just hope your child doesn't encounter people like you if he ever falls on hard times.

💀

Why are there so many hungry people given the number of people handing out food on this thread? Can you not all club together snd solve the problem instead of attacking the op? She’s right to feel disconcerted.

Yes, a child is more likely to be harmed by a family member with substance abuse or serious mental health problems. That is why we protect our children from those family members.

my child has never met certain members of my family and is only around others with constant supervision. My own parents didn’t afford me the same protection and that was not a mistake I was going to repeat.

Persistent homelessness has nothing to do with funding. Most people are easy to rehouse and the fact that they were temporarily homeless is an issue of inefficient bureaucracy.

long-term homelessness is a difficult balance of personal freedom. Do we force people into treatment for the underlying issues that make them non-compliant with the social constraints of provided housing?