Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend's dad convicted paedophile. Wwyd?

163 replies

Namechangerererererer · 14/08/2023 18:22

Dc started school last year, got chatting to one of the other mums in the playground as our kids seem to get on well. She seems quite open and is has been telling me about her dad who is dying of cancer etc. I've tried to be supportive as much as an acquaintance would be.

Before we broke up for the holidays we agreed to meet up a few times so the kids could see each other. Met up last week, lovely few hours.

While we were chatting last week I mentioned dhs job, he's a pc. Didn't think anything of it tbh.

Then today she messaged asking if we want to go round to hers later in the week to play. I agreed and then she messaged a few hours later asking if she could speak to my dh. This happens now and again where people just want some police advice without ringing the police.

So she basically disclosed she was being harassed on social media by a now ex friend who had found out her dad is a convicted paedophile. He was apparently convicted for downloading images a few years ago and was given a suspended sentence.

Apparently he's not allowed unsupervised contact with her dc, dc is not allowed to stay over unless there's a lock on the door (!!) That sounds bizarre to me tbh. Her dad doesn't live with them and is unlikely to last til the end of the month.

She said she'd understand if we didn't want our dc to play together. I just don't know how to feel. Obviously it's not her crime, and her dc is totally innocent in this but there's something nagging at me that makes me very uncomfortable. I think it's the fact that despite the conviction she's obviously still supports him with his illness. If it was a family member of mine, they'd be dead to me.

Iabu- not her crime so shouldn't be punished

Ianbu- her judgements off and I'd be uncomfortable too

Also, bugger odd daily mail journalists.

OP posts:
DannyLaRuesBestFrock · 14/08/2023 18:26

It's tricky because it's easy to say you would cut someone out of your life when you have been brought up in a safe environment, but if she had a troubled upbringing, it may not be as straight forward or black and white.

It's up to you of course, but I would like to think that I wouldn't write someone off under these circumstances. I don't know what I would do if it actually happened though.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 14/08/2023 18:28

He's been a convicted pedophile for a few years, but he's been her dad her whole life. It's understandable she's stood by him, especially as he's terminally ill. It doesn't mean she in any way condones what he did, but a month from now, this man will be dead. He has not, and never will be a danger to your child, and she isn't any kind of danger by association. She doesn't deserve to lose her friends or be shunned for her fathers crime, nor her DC for their grandfathers crime.
I wouldn't cut her off, she's going to desperately need all the support she can get when he passes, having lost a parent i couldn't cut off someone in their time of need when they've done nothing wrong.

DannyLaRuesBestFrock · 14/08/2023 18:28

Also, bugger odd daily mail journalists

This has absolutely no bearing on whether a tabloid will pick this up and run an article, so if you think it is too outing, ask MNHQ to take it down.

FiveOClockWorld · 14/08/2023 18:29

It must have been a tremendous shock for her to discover her dad was like that. Maybe she still processing it all?

FiveOClockWorld · 14/08/2023 18:30

He is dying also. She might have reacted differently if he had many years left of life.

continentallentil · 14/08/2023 18:31

Her father’s crimes aren’t hers. That is all.

The fact she takes some part of his care because he’s her Dad / her mum’s husband doesn’t mean she supports what he did. That’s a very reductive way to think.

Coriolise · 14/08/2023 18:31

YABU.
And I don’t see how she is supporting him in any way? She is protecting her DC and her pedo dad is end of life. She’s just doing the humane thing like you’d even do with a dangerous dog.

drpet49 · 14/08/2023 18:32

“I think it's the fact that despite the conviction she's obviously still supports him with his illness. If it was a family member of mine, they'd be dead to me.”

^I’m with you OP. I couldn’t trust her or her judgement at all. End of friendship to me.

Checkcurtains · 14/08/2023 18:34

Unless you've had a terminally ill parent you don't understand how that changes things. It doesn't sound like she's excusing or enabling his behaviour and if your dc's have zero chance of contact with him, I don't see why you'd vilify her?

JMSA · 14/08/2023 18:34

She sounds like a drama queen. It was inappropriate of her to discuss this with your husband, especially before you even knew what it was about!

Shopper727 · 14/08/2023 18:35

This was my ex
we had left and moved away by the time he was caught etc but thankfully my friends stuck by me. I wasn’t in the wrong so don’t treat her like she is. If she is still in contact then by all means don’t allow your kids there without you I think that’s sensible but it’s hard to judge her, she likely feels v confused about what she should feel re her had. My ex was dead to me, however his own parents stuck by him - were against me (for being utterly revolted by his actions etc and ruining his children’s lives) his new girlfriend and wife also stuck by him and reproduced with him so now playing happy families like he didn’t do what he did and go to jail. I have nothing to do with him and never will,

AnnaMagnani · 14/08/2023 18:35

She isn't her dad.
She has been totally up front and honest with you about her situation.
She sticks to the rules about contact with him.

And he'll be dead very soon.

Can't see what there is to be worried about TBH.

Testina · 14/08/2023 18:38

“Apparently he's not allowed unsupervised contact with her dc, dc is not allowed to stay over unless there's a lock on the door (!!) That sounds bizarre to me tbh”

I would want to know a hell of a lot more about that. That sounds like utter bullshit, and I wouldn’t be around a liar or a minimiser on a topic like this.

You say it was a few years ago… but he’s only dying now. So what was her previous choice with him, between conviction and end of life? It’s one thing to have a minor involvement because he’s dying and another to have continued a normal relationship with him.

If she has been seeing him with her child - with a locked door? - it shows that she has found a way to minimise what he is, to herself.

Which in my mind, would make her a risk factor for making bad decisions again, with friends or other family members or boyfriends in her home with access to kids playing there.

I also think it’s really weird that you heard it from your husband not her - if I understood that right?

If you like her and your son likes her child, I’d host play dates. But I would leave my child in her care until I’d got to know her better.

That locking the door point sounds like she has had her child in the same home as him since.

Something not sitting right here.

Saoirse82 · 14/08/2023 18:40

YABU.

This situation is complex because the man is dying. It's not her crime and she's likely suffered enough from his actions.

december212 · 14/08/2023 18:40

Yanbu. I couldn't help but question her judgement and what future situations she might think are acceptable, whilst your children were in her care. Although hopefully something of this nature would be super rare it just wouldn't sit right with me.
Difficult situation for all involved really. If you all get on well I'd stay present at future play dates.

areyouhavinglaugh · 14/08/2023 18:43

Surely if he's a police officer you must be used to people disclosing stuff to you?

Became de as most of us non police people they think you "know something"

She was just being upfront OR for help?

areyouhavinglaugh · 14/08/2023 18:43

Asking for help?

5128gap · 14/08/2023 18:44

She's the child of a paedophile so I think the odds are she has had a troubled past and has complex and conflicting emotions. I wouldn't judge her and would remain her friend.
But in honesty if you're uncomfortable enough to ask, then you'd probably not be able to be the friend she needs, so it's maybe better all round to back away.
I imagine she'll be expecting it, as it was a pretty flimsy excuse to call your husband and disclose it to him, so chances are she was making you aware before the friendship developed. I doubt it will be the first time it's cost her a friend.

x2boys · 14/08/2023 18:49

She's done nothing wrong
Lets hope she's not on mumsnet as its,a,very specific set if circumstances you have described.

SlippySarah · 14/08/2023 18:49

I wouldn't prevent my DC having a friendship with the grandchild but I would stay close until I was sure that the parents were suitably protective.

LaviniasBigBloomers · 14/08/2023 18:51

It's not her crime, but equally it's ok to feel uneasy about it.

I'd set boundaries you're comfortable with. There was a wee lad in my son's primary whose dad was a drug user (on methadone protocol) and mother was living with someone not allowed in the school grounds. We just kept meetings to the park after school/walks etc. The wee boy was lovely and it wasn't his fault, but there was no way I was going to his home. Whether that was doing his father a disservice I don't know - but it was my job to keep my DC safe, as it is yours.

I would also find it difficult to be more than mere acquaintances with someone who was still supporting a parent convicted of that kind of offence, so find a way to support the kids' friendships without any safeguarding issues.

Testina · 14/08/2023 18:53

@december212 “Although hopefully something of this nature would be super rare it just wouldn't sit right with me.”

This is what concerns me.
My family has been thrown into this hell, this year. And given the support services we’ve now been involved with - and the police - it’s just not super rare at all. Here’s a random solicitor website has it in its top 20 most common crimes (it’s not number 6, that’s just alphabetical). I chose that over a graph of sexual offence exploding over the 10 years, because it didn’t separate CSA.
It’s certainly not super common either - but it’s frequent enough that I think parents needs to risk assess and not be complacent ever.

Friend's dad convicted paedophile. Wwyd?
Alicethecamelhasa · 14/08/2023 18:55

I’d like those who say that a relative would be dead to them if they got convicted of downloading indecent images of children to come back when they are in that situation. Because, honestly, I would have said that before it happened to me. When it’s someone you have loved your entire life then it might be different.

Wendysfriend · 14/08/2023 18:55

A paedophile is the absolute worst. There is nothing in this world worst than this.

While she has nothing to do with his crimes, if she still has contact with him, then she condones his crimes.

It's not a hard one, it's not difficult to know what to do. A person who gets their kicks from child sexual abuse, needs to be shunned. There is absolutely no excuses to have anything to do with a person like this.

It doesn't matter that he's dying, it doesn't matter if he's her father, he's a paedophile.

qazxc · 14/08/2023 18:56

He committed the crime not her.
He won't be around your dc so no danger to them.
He will be dead in a few weeks and it will all be a moot point.

Swipe left for the next trending thread