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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend's dad convicted paedophile. Wwyd?

163 replies

Namechangerererererer · 14/08/2023 18:22

Dc started school last year, got chatting to one of the other mums in the playground as our kids seem to get on well. She seems quite open and is has been telling me about her dad who is dying of cancer etc. I've tried to be supportive as much as an acquaintance would be.

Before we broke up for the holidays we agreed to meet up a few times so the kids could see each other. Met up last week, lovely few hours.

While we were chatting last week I mentioned dhs job, he's a pc. Didn't think anything of it tbh.

Then today she messaged asking if we want to go round to hers later in the week to play. I agreed and then she messaged a few hours later asking if she could speak to my dh. This happens now and again where people just want some police advice without ringing the police.

So she basically disclosed she was being harassed on social media by a now ex friend who had found out her dad is a convicted paedophile. He was apparently convicted for downloading images a few years ago and was given a suspended sentence.

Apparently he's not allowed unsupervised contact with her dc, dc is not allowed to stay over unless there's a lock on the door (!!) That sounds bizarre to me tbh. Her dad doesn't live with them and is unlikely to last til the end of the month.

She said she'd understand if we didn't want our dc to play together. I just don't know how to feel. Obviously it's not her crime, and her dc is totally innocent in this but there's something nagging at me that makes me very uncomfortable. I think it's the fact that despite the conviction she's obviously still supports him with his illness. If it was a family member of mine, they'd be dead to me.

Iabu- not her crime so shouldn't be punished

Ianbu- her judgements off and I'd be uncomfortable too

Also, bugger odd daily mail journalists.

OP posts:
JudgeRudy · 14/08/2023 20:26

drpet49 · 14/08/2023 18:32

“I think it's the fact that despite the conviction she's obviously still supports him with his illness. If it was a family member of mine, they'd be dead to me.”

^I’m with you OP. I couldn’t trust her or her judgement at all. End of friendship to me.

I'm not sure her judgement is any different to others. She's not saying what he's done is ok. She's being compassionate. That doesn't mean she approves or is minimising what he's done. Poor woman.

Angryappendix · 14/08/2023 20:28

Why do you assume she isn’t on mumsnet and won’t see this??

AcrossthePond55 · 14/08/2023 20:28

I can understand keeping it quiet until she felt it had to be disclosed to you because your children had been invited into her home.

I wouldn't hold her responsible in any way for his crimes. Nor would I necessarily think ill of her for caring for her dad now. She may actually be doing it not for him, but for her mother or for other family members. I wouldn't stand in judgement of her, not considering the circumstances. If he were healthy and she was in denial, backing him up, or having him in her home it would be a different story.

Unless her dad was physically residing with her, which he isn't, at this point I don't think there's any 'danger' in taking your DC to her house to play.

BoomBoomShakeyRoom · 14/08/2023 20:30

Wendysfriend · 14/08/2023 18:55

A paedophile is the absolute worst. There is nothing in this world worst than this.

While she has nothing to do with his crimes, if she still has contact with him, then she condones his crimes.

It's not a hard one, it's not difficult to know what to do. A person who gets their kicks from child sexual abuse, needs to be shunned. There is absolutely no excuses to have anything to do with a person like this.

It doesn't matter that he's dying, it doesn't matter if he's her father, he's a paedophile.

As heinous as peadophiles are. I think people like Wayne Couzens, Peter Sutcliffe and Ted Bundy were worse.

SlicedPickles · 14/08/2023 20:34

I have a friend who has similar circumstances with her dad. I knew her dad well and was fond of him. He seemed liked a really nice and upstanding man and there was nothing in his behaviour that stood out as odd to me. She had a happy childhood and was close to both her parents. He actually did contact offend and they later found out he had abused positions of trust to do so.

When she found out she did disown him, but if he was poorly and even if he wasn’t and she decided to pick up contact I wouldn’t judge her. She must feel very conflicted about it all.

I definitely don’t feel there’s a reason to mistrust her around my kids. I’m a survivor of CSA and know these people have multiple sides to their characters.

WildFlowerBees · 14/08/2023 20:41

She is innocent, you will be nowhere near her dad and nor will your children. Don't let his crime be her punishment. Let the kids play together and if you like her be her friend she's going to need them.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 14/08/2023 20:41

Its very hard to cut off family members, and it is perfectly possible to love them and hate what they did. YABVU to expect she would have nothing to do with him.

Original poster
Namechangerererererer · 14/08/2023 20:48

@Angryappendix I guess I don't. I imagine not many people know. I've replied to her what I've outlined on here basically, so its nothing I wouldn't want her to read.
I posted because I feel like my instincts were to run, but logically it's not her fault and I wanted some opinions on that

OP posts:
FiveOClockWorld · 14/08/2023 20:49

@Namechangerererererer forgive me if I missed this in your OP, but how long has she known this about him? I'm guessing not long.

NeverNoMore221 · 14/08/2023 20:51

I wouldn't allow my child to be supervised alone by her or at her house.
She allows a convicted child sex offender access to her child and allows her child to spend the night at his house. I don't care if there is a lick on the door or not.

She is not someone who priorities safeguarding children.

If she wants to see her father that is her choice - but to knowingly allow someone who is sexually attracted to children to see your child is inexcusable.

By all means allow your child to be friends with hers - but at your house or public places with you there.

gogomoto · 14/08/2023 20:53

The fact he got a suspended sentence means that he could not have been thought to be a risk. Anyway she can't be penalised for her dad

LuvSmallDogs · 14/08/2023 20:57

I know someone whose dad was a paedophile (committed direct abuse, rather than viewing child abuse footage) and was also very callous and controlling to his family.

Even after a decade of being estranged, news of his death hit him hard - I think there was a sense of unfinished business, things that had been left unsaid, etc. He definitely mourned to some degree.

SlicedPickles · 14/08/2023 20:58

LuvSmallDogs · 14/08/2023 20:57

I know someone whose dad was a paedophile (committed direct abuse, rather than viewing child abuse footage) and was also very callous and controlling to his family.

Even after a decade of being estranged, news of his death hit him hard - I think there was a sense of unfinished business, things that had been left unsaid, etc. He definitely mourned to some degree.

I was thinking it’s probably like when someone with dementia dies. You grieve your memories more than the person. The person has already gone. But it’s what you wish you had as much as what you actually lost.

Izzy24 · 14/08/2023 21:01

drpet49 · 14/08/2023 18:32

“I think it's the fact that despite the conviction she's obviously still supports him with his illness. If it was a family member of mine, they'd be dead to me.”

^I’m with you OP. I couldn’t trust her or her judgement at all. End of friendship to me.

That’s very very sad to read .

KarmaStar · 14/08/2023 21:03

What on earth are you uncomfortable about?stop attention seeking,it's not your drama,stop judging and either be a good friend of leave her to find one.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 14/08/2023 21:09

I wouldn't do a drop off playdate at her home, I would stay there at all times

Original poster
Namechangerererererer · 14/08/2023 21:10

I'm think I'm uncomfortable about having my kids around someone who would permitt their child to be in the company of someone who is a convicted paedophile ultimately. I'm not drama seeking at all. I avoid drama hence the lack of knowledge of local gossip.

I wanted some opinions because I felt conflicted. I wouldn't say we are at the stage of being friends yet but she is always friendly and seems kind. She seems like a good mum to her dc so it's just a weird situation to be in.

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 14/08/2023 21:10

Your husband can be 'bad cop' so to speak. Who knows what her kids have experienced or been exposed to I wouldn't take the risk of leaving them alone with yours without being there

MrsMarzetti · 14/08/2023 21:11

Wendysfriend · 14/08/2023 18:55

A paedophile is the absolute worst. There is nothing in this world worst than this.

While she has nothing to do with his crimes, if she still has contact with him, then she condones his crimes.

It's not a hard one, it's not difficult to know what to do. A person who gets their kicks from child sexual abuse, needs to be shunned. There is absolutely no excuses to have anything to do with a person like this.

It doesn't matter that he's dying, it doesn't matter if he's her father, he's a paedophile.

Utter rubbish, i bet she doesn't condone his crimes at all. One day it may be your son, daughter or Grandchild that will be facing the same charges does that make you the same as them ?

BreakTheChain · 14/08/2023 21:29

She is in an awful predicament. On the one hand she knows what her dad has done and that must be awful looking at the man who raised you knowing what he is capable of and questioning your entire child hood. On the other he is probably very alone after what he did and now she has the burden of being his closest relative. I hope she does everything required to keep her children safe and it is likely she does as she is being so transparent. I remember watching a documentary about pedophiles and some poor woman was bullied and harassed because her husband was convicted. She divorced him but was tarnished just the same. Your friend is not guilty of any crime

ShovellyJoe · 14/08/2023 21:37

DH's best mate's dad went to prison for the same crime (downloading images).

They're still best mates and said best mate is still in touch with his Dad and the grandchildren see their grandad in a supervised capacity.

I understand why you have misgivings. It is extremely difficult. But the sheer shame and trauma for the children of convicted criminals of this nature is debilitating without them being shunned.

drpet49 · 14/08/2023 21:43

NeverNoMore221 · 14/08/2023 20:51

I wouldn't allow my child to be supervised alone by her or at her house.
She allows a convicted child sex offender access to her child and allows her child to spend the night at his house. I don't care if there is a lick on the door or not.

She is not someone who priorities safeguarding children.

If she wants to see her father that is her choice - but to knowingly allow someone who is sexually attracted to children to see your child is inexcusable.

By all means allow your child to be friends with hers - but at your house or public places with you there.

This

Angeldelight50 · 14/08/2023 21:47

I’ll probably get flamed for this.. I seen a thread on here a while back, someone caught their DH looking at porn. All of the comments were up in arms with calls to LTB, but it seems in this thread the majority would make certain allowances if their family member was a convicted pedophile? Perhaps I am missing something obvious..

Anyway, I’m with you OP. I understand your friend is not at fault here but I would question her judgment that she allows this man near her DC. I see people are saying ‘he’ll be dead soon’ but I assume she had maintained contact prior to his illness? No way I’d be risking my child going for a play date that might include a pedophile popping in for a fly cup.

NotAMug · 14/08/2023 21:55

Hummingbird89 · 14/08/2023 19:03

I am 100% with you, OP. Her judgement is shit. She allows a convicted paedophile the be around her kids?! Supervised or not, that wouldn’t happen in a million years if I were her. I would end this friendship personally.

Yes 100% this, legally a grandparent has no right to visitation so why is she facilitating a relationship. I wouldn't have anything to do with someone who continued any contact with a paedophile.

NotAMug · 14/08/2023 21:57

ShovellyJoe · 14/08/2023 21:37

DH's best mate's dad went to prison for the same crime (downloading images).

They're still best mates and said best mate is still in touch with his Dad and the grandchildren see their grandad in a supervised capacity.

I understand why you have misgivings. It is extremely difficult. But the sheer shame and trauma for the children of convicted criminals of this nature is debilitating without them being shunned.

How could your DH be friends with someone who knowingly allows their children to see a paedophile. I find this so shocking.

I do understand that it is awful for the friend but why would you maintain contact with your dad in this case.

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