Friend's dad convicted paedophile. Wwyd?

[Namechangerererererer]

Dc started school last year, got chatting to one of the other mums in the playground as our kids seem to get on well. She seems quite open and is has been telling me about her dad who is dying of cancer etc. I've tried to be supportive as much as an acquaintance would be.

Before we broke up for the holidays we agreed to meet up a few times so the kids could see each other. Met up last week, lovely few hours.

While we were chatting last week I mentioned dhs job, he's a pc. Didn't think anything of it tbh.

Then today she messaged asking if we want to go round to hers later in the week to play. I agreed and then she messaged a few hours later asking if she could speak to my dh. This happens now and again where people just want some police advice without ringing the police.

So she basically disclosed she was being harassed on social media by a now ex friend who had found out her dad is a convicted paedophile. He was apparently convicted for downloading images a few years ago and was given a suspended sentence.

Apparently he's not allowed unsupervised contact with her dc, dc is not allowed to stay over unless there's a lock on the door (!!) That sounds bizarre to me tbh. Her dad doesn't live with them and is unlikely to last til the end of the month.

She said she'd understand if we didn't want our dc to play together. I just don't know how to feel. Obviously it's not her crime, and her dc is totally innocent in this but there's something nagging at me that makes me very uncomfortable. I think it's the fact that despite the conviction she's obviously still supports him with his illness. If it was a family member of mine, they'd be dead to me.

Iabu- not her crime so shouldn't be punished

Ianbu- her judgements off and I'd be uncomfortable too

Also, bugger odd daily mail journalists.

Her dad did the Crimes not her

She was upfront and honest with you /dh

Is her dad staying at hers till he dies

As a parent I would need to make sure my child was protected

So wouldn't send dc to their home without me

But happy to have child at yours /meet at park /go to here with my dc

People saying the OP is shunning this woman for her father’s crimes- I wouldn’t be shunning her for her father’s crimes, but for her own reaction to them. If she had a dad who was a paedophile but had zero contact with him and had cut him off, I wouldn’t even consider ending the friendship.

She has had to cope with the revelation her dad is a paedophile, manage the complicated effect on their relationship as she grieves for the man she thought he was, and then he now has a diagnosis of terminal cancer which must lead to so many conflicting emotions. On top of that she must have suffered abuse and shunning from people she knows.

I feel sorry for her and wouldn’t want to be in her position at all. I actually think she needs support from others. Maybe just have her and her child over to yours. She is not a criminal and people should not be punished for what their disgusting dads have done.

She is probably very lonely. I hope she is having some therapy. She will need it now and after her dad dies.

I think what people say they will do and what they actually do when faced with a difficult situation, are often two very different things.

Many on here who say they would cut that person out, would do so. But many would not - if and when faced with it. They are the lies we tell ourselves when it's safe to do so.

If she had otherwise been a good friend, I would not change course now. (But then again - basses in the above, how could I be sure ).

I wouldn’t cut her off, on a practical level her Dad has a month to live and presumably is no longer a threat.

It’s easy to say that your relative would be dead to you but I don’t think it is that simple.

Oof. I feel for your friend but ultimately I think I'd be uncomfortable with - and sorry to say but also judgemental of - someone who puts their child's welfare as a secondary thing to an adult, doubly so if that adult is a paedophile.

But I understand she's in a difficult position. Maybe it's a case that she's only living relative willing to do paperwork etc. Maybe she wants to make sure he's dead and gone.

As it happens, I had a friend who's parent was convicted of killing their partner. Partner was abusive but didn't deserve the ending they got. I really really really struggled with friend accepting the facts of what the parent did but kind of minimizing their actions by the things that had preceded the death. Different circumstances to your friend obviously, I'm not saying she would justify or minimize it at all, but when you're the child of someone who has done a very bad thing I don't think it's as simple as "dead to me" all the time. Especially if the child ends up being their medical proxy/advocate or point of contact for official affairs.

This is the lie women tell themselves so they can justify staying with their paedophile partners or stay in touch with a family member that has offended.
Oh it's not his fault he has a porn addiction and is just seeking the next thrill - Jesus what crap.
It's nonsense - a man who gets sexual gratification from watching children being sexually abused is a paedophile no matter the stages of porn he went through to get to it.

The past is in the past. It does not matter. Anyone who thinks it matters is being unreasonable and insecure.

Her father is dying of cancer, and in a month or two it is a moot point.
She didn’t commit any crime
She was honest with you and seems a kind person.

You can shun her if you want, but I hope that you think about the above. She’s been put in a horrible situation. Her kids can come to yours whilst her dad is dying if you are worried

I also suspect if she went NC with her dad and refused to visit him when he was dying, people on here would criticise her for that too. Imagine being in her shoes. Crickey.

This.

This.

This thread is very close to home as I’m just about to navigate your friends position but with a brother who isn’t dying.

Clearly I will have nothing to do with him and neither will my kids but honestly, I still love him and I can imagine when I get older and if he doesn’t reoffend and commits to a rehabilitation programme I can see myself having some contact. I would never have said that a month again, before this happened, I would have said that he would be dead to me.

When he gets out of prison in a few months, he will have no one and I can see my Mum, who lives fairly local to me, taking him in. Who could see their child on the streets, at real risk of killing themselves? Think about that if your child was to commit a terrible crime, would you just cut them off? I obviously won’t be visiting them but I am terrified of the backlash and repercussions for my kids if people find out and me. Also the threat of vigilante action on my Mum’s house.

Please don’t judge someone by someone else’s crimes.

Lots of us have been in this situation and would never let our DCs in the same area as the convicted paedophile - supervised or not.
This isn't about emotion. It's about risk. Why the hell would you prioritise putting your DC in contact with someone who is a convicted paedophile? The posters who are trying to justify that decision are either very naive or/and paedophile enabler. Tbh they can all fottfsoftfosm.

Unfortunately MIL is with a man who has accusations of crimes against children on his record. DS is not allowed any contact with him and is only allowed very limited contact with MIL (has to be in a public place and supervised at all times by DH). It has broken DH as he was v close to the man and to MIL but once he knew he had no other choice. I would be understanding if her DC have no contact with her father but if they do I can’t get my head around that at all. However as long as you supervise all play dates I can’t see there being an issue in terms of your DCs’ safety.

You don't know the full story and are judging her and shaming her on the Internet.

There is absolutely no risk to your children. You, like most of us, have zero experience of what its like to be in her shoes. You can say you'd behave a certain way, with all the conviction in the world - but do the complete opposite if the situation arose.

She gave you an out. Grow up and tell her you don't want to develop a friendship with her, nor your children to be friends with hers.

My Grandad was a convicted sex offender too (all he got was a suspended sentence) - some victims were his own family. Weirdly, none of them cut complete contact, and one of his victims even cared for him in his final years.
My mum never let him in the house, visits etc. But my dad kept in minimal contact alone.

My friend's brother recently got convicted. List, suspended sentence and not allowed to live by a school. That's it. it's not downplaying what he done, but more a comment of that the punishment isnt enough! My friend has cut all ties with his brother, but his sister and mum havent. People deal with things differently.

Don't judge her on her dads actions.

I haven't seen anyone say to punish her for her dad's crimes, the issue is that she still has contact with his and it appears her DCs do also. That shows awful judgement and also condones his crimes.

Sorry, I couldn’t be friends with someone who has a relationship, in whatever form, with someone who they know is a paedophile. It’s hideous and how these horrible people work their way in to the lives of children.

@Greysofa

Theoretically, let’s say you found out your brother had downloaded images and your Mum, the lady who gave birth to him and has loved him unconditionally up until that point, wanted to remain in contact.

You literally have no idea how you would feel until the situation arises. You also have no idea who is doing what before you say my family member would never do that. Downloading indecent images is rife.

I am absolutely not defending those who do download them. It’s abhorrent but to judge their family members for wanting to stay in contact is wrong.

Yes, I do know that I would not want to be in contact with someone who condoned child abuse. Because that is what it is, condoning it. I work with the victims of this crime, even ‘just’ downloading images is abhorrent, because for that image to be taken, a child has been harmed. We all have our own values and stand points, and for me, someone who continues a relationship with a child abuser would not be someone I would want to be associated with.

Did she say her and her DD sleep at her father's house? Or just that part of the order was that if they DO, there needs to be a lock on the door? And unfortunately, I know from the personal experience of a friend, that a family member who is a paedophile may be a danger to one child, but not necessarily another because age/stage/gender plays such an important role which may impact her decision making, if, for example, as part of his care she sometimes feels she has to sleep at her father's house.

I don't think you should be cutting this woman off or refusing to allow her and your DD to be friends. This is HIS crime, not hers. Obviously, I can't imagine a situation where she would want your DD to be at her father's house, but that is a big fat no if she did.

I can appreciate that she is conflicted in her relationship with him but it's perfectly reasonable for you, a complete stranger, to have zero conflict in how you feel about him and a total unwillingness to engage with him in any way.

You should be grateful you've never been in this situation or one similar to it. I know people who have and it's not as simple as saying that a parent is "condoning" child abuse if they still love their child or that an adult child is condoning their parents' poor behaviour. And where is the line? So child abusers must be immediately cut off from everyone but what about someone who murders someone? Or someone who steals? Or attacks someone on a drunken night out? Or causes a car accident....

And believe me, the family and loved ones of people who commit heinous crimes struggle a great deal with how to manage their conflicting feelings. A little compassion for those people would be nice.

You cant chose your family. Its 100% not her fault and from what you wrote, she has been absolutely honest and sounds like a very nice mother in unbelievably difficult conditions. Imagine putting yourself in her shoes or even the grandchilds shoes. Having to explain situations or deal with people not wanting to know you because of someone elses behaviour.

How about a reasonable compromise. Tell her you need to 100% protect your family so if she wants to stay friends then it can only be at your own home. That way you are guarenteed to be there and she should understand the need to be extra vigilant.

It's a straw man to say we need to be compassionate to the family members of criminals. No-one is suggesting a lack of compassion. Posters are discussing a lack of physical access.
Yy family members are conflicted. Yy there are lots of emotions. But DCs rely on adults to keep them safe; and to prioritise their safety and vulnerability over putting them in contact with adults who have abused DCs.
No-one who has family members affected by this (and I do - both as victims and as convicted paedophiles) would be making excuses for abusers and letting them have access to their DCs - not even supervised visits. The posters white knighting for paedos need to take a long hard look at themselves. In fact I don't know why MN has even let this thread stand.

A friend's dad was a convicted paedophile and they had no contact for years. He developed alzheimers, and he allowed him to live with them as their children had grown up.