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Original poster

Friend's dad convicted paedophile. Wwyd?

163 replies

Namechangerererererer · 14/08/2023 18:22

Dc started school last year, got chatting to one of the other mums in the playground as our kids seem to get on well. She seems quite open and is has been telling me about her dad who is dying of cancer etc. I've tried to be supportive as much as an acquaintance would be.

Before we broke up for the holidays we agreed to meet up a few times so the kids could see each other. Met up last week, lovely few hours.

While we were chatting last week I mentioned dhs job, he's a pc. Didn't think anything of it tbh.

Then today she messaged asking if we want to go round to hers later in the week to play. I agreed and then she messaged a few hours later asking if she could speak to my dh. This happens now and again where people just want some police advice without ringing the police.

So she basically disclosed she was being harassed on social media by a now ex friend who had found out her dad is a convicted paedophile. He was apparently convicted for downloading images a few years ago and was given a suspended sentence.

Apparently he's not allowed unsupervised contact with her dc, dc is not allowed to stay over unless there's a lock on the door (!!) That sounds bizarre to me tbh. Her dad doesn't live with them and is unlikely to last til the end of the month.

She said she'd understand if we didn't want our dc to play together. I just don't know how to feel. Obviously it's not her crime, and her dc is totally innocent in this but there's something nagging at me that makes me very uncomfortable. I think it's the fact that despite the conviction she's obviously still supports him with his illness. If it was a family member of mine, they'd be dead to me.

Iabu- not her crime so shouldn't be punished

Ianbu- her judgements off and I'd be uncomfortable too

Also, bugger odd daily mail journalists.

OP posts:
WhereTheSuburbsMeetUttoxeter · 14/08/2023 22:00

JMSA · 14/08/2023 18:34

She sounds like a drama queen. It was inappropriate of her to discuss this with your husband, especially before you even knew what it was about!

I disagree. In fact I think the complete opposite.

This woman has been open and honest from the start. There's no drama in forewarning a parent about something as horrific as this, that they well might find out after the kids play date.

Personally @Namechangerererererer I would trust this woman. She didn't have to you, or indeed your husband. I suspect she went to him as maybe she is unaware of her rights and what might happen.

There is no chance of your daughter being alone with this person. If the girls get on, then let them have their play time together.

Forewarned is forearmed. If anything ever seems suss to you, you get out of the friendship and arrangements. Many people have suspicions through their kids childhoods. This lady had laid it bare. For now, I'd trust her.

WhereTheSuburbsMeetUttoxeter · 14/08/2023 22:00

JMSA · 14/08/2023 18:34

She sounds like a drama queen. It was inappropriate of her to discuss this with your husband, especially before you even knew what it was about!

I disagree. In fact I think the complete opposite.

This woman has been open and honest from the start. There's no drama in forewarning a parent about something as horrific as this, that they well might find out after the kids play date.

Personally @Namechangerererererer I would trust this woman. She didn't have to you, or indeed your husband. I suspect she went to him as maybe she is unaware of her rights and what might happen.

There is no chance of your daughter being alone with this person. If the girls get on, then let them have their play time together.

Forewarned is forearmed. If anything ever seems suss to you, you get out of the friendship and arrangements. Many people have suspicions through their kids childhoods. This lady had laid it bare. For now, I'd trust her.

NotAMug · 14/08/2023 22:01

Namechangerererererer · 14/08/2023 21:10

I'm think I'm uncomfortable about having my kids around someone who would permitt their child to be in the company of someone who is a convicted paedophile ultimately. I'm not drama seeking at all. I avoid drama hence the lack of knowledge of local gossip.

I wanted some opinions because I felt conflicted. I wouldn't say we are at the stage of being friends yet but she is always friendly and seems kind. She seems like a good mum to her dc so it's just a weird situation to be in.

I would definitely feel the same. I could potentially get over the fact that she would see her dad in his last days maybe as she will have a lifetime of memories, potentially happy ones so would be impossible to not mourn that but if she has allowed any visitation with her DC then I could never trust her judgement.

WhereTheSuburbsMeetUttoxeter · 14/08/2023 22:03

So adamant am I, that I posted twice. Hmmm. 🤔.

I'm not adamant at all.

NotAMug · 14/08/2023 22:03

@Namechangerererererer Does she actually allow access to her DC?

Mollymalone123 · 14/08/2023 22:12

It would be a shame after she had been so honest with you to then basically punish her and her dc for her father’s actions. At least you know-people would be so shocked to find out just how many people have downloaded child sa - it’s on a massive scale-there’s thousands out there who you would have no clue about!
She is probably really struggling herself about her relationship with her father as I expect it’s not a bed of roses-I mean look at the repercussions to her already.

WhereTheSuburbsMeetUttoxeter · 14/08/2023 22:20

BoomBoomShakeyRoom · 14/08/2023 20:30

As heinous as peadophiles are. I think people like Wayne Couzens, Peter Sutcliffe and Ted Bundy were worse.

Show quote history

Way worse. In fact a lot of 'paedophiles' aren't even paedophiles. They're controlling and abusive and often addicted to the much available porn, that seek more and more disturbing content because a pair of tits or an open vagina in a jazz mag, doesn't do it for them any more.
I am excusing NOBODY. Don't get me wrong.
There are true paedophiles - who are attracted to children that have themselves voluntarily castrated because their own needs disgust themselves.

Lots of men who engage sexually with children are doing so, not because they are attracted to the child (paedophilia) but because they can control and threaten that child to gain sexual satisfaction for themselves.

It's all child abuse. Again, please don't misunderstand me. I often find the sick abusers that just want satisfaction worse than a person born with an attraction to children.

I'd still trust your friend over this.

If course also she cannot tell her own children of her father's disgusting deeds. So she's probably keeping up a pretence of visiting, hoping he dies quickly and hoping her own children never have to find out or suffer from his crimes too.

Miri13 · 14/08/2023 23:24

Wendysfriend · 14/08/2023 18:55

A paedophile is the absolute worst. There is nothing in this world worst than this.

While she has nothing to do with his crimes, if she still has contact with him, then she condones his crimes.

It's not a hard one, it's not difficult to know what to do. A person who gets their kicks from child sexual abuse, needs to be shunned. There is absolutely no excuses to have anything to do with a person like this.

It doesn't matter that he's dying, it doesn't matter if he's her father, he's a paedophile.

Totally agree with this!

Beesandhoney123 · 14/08/2023 23:39

What does your dh advise, seeing as he is a PC?

You aren't best friends with her, you can be acquaintances and friendly no rush to be bbf for you/ dc.

Finlesswonder · 14/08/2023 23:39

It isn't about her caring for her father.

That's fine.

It's that she lets her kids sleep in his house

WTF???!

Reetnice · 15/08/2023 00:31

Angeldelight50 · 14/08/2023 21:47

I’ll probably get flamed for this.. I seen a thread on here a while back, someone caught their DH looking at porn. All of the comments were up in arms with calls to LTB, but it seems in this thread the majority would make certain allowances if their family member was a convicted pedophile? Perhaps I am missing something obvious..

Anyway, I’m with you OP. I understand your friend is not at fault here but I would question her judgment that she allows this man near her DC. I see people are saying ‘he’ll be dead soon’ but I assume she had maintained contact prior to his illness? No way I’d be risking my child going for a play date that might include a pedophile popping in for a fly cup.

Thisssss!

SheerLucks · 15/08/2023 01:03

AlmostAJillSandwich · 14/08/2023 18:28

He's been a convicted pedophile for a few years, but he's been her dad her whole life. It's understandable she's stood by him, especially as he's terminally ill. It doesn't mean she in any way condones what he did, but a month from now, this man will be dead. He has not, and never will be a danger to your child, and she isn't any kind of danger by association. She doesn't deserve to lose her friends or be shunned for her fathers crime, nor her DC for their grandfathers crime.
I wouldn't cut her off, she's going to desperately need all the support she can get when he passes, having lost a parent i couldn't cut off someone in their time of need when they've done nothing wrong.

Absolutely this.

GiddyUpH · 15/08/2023 01:17

Angeldelight50 · 14/08/2023 21:47

I’ll probably get flamed for this.. I seen a thread on here a while back, someone caught their DH looking at porn. All of the comments were up in arms with calls to LTB, but it seems in this thread the majority would make certain allowances if their family member was a convicted pedophile? Perhaps I am missing something obvious..

Anyway, I’m with you OP. I understand your friend is not at fault here but I would question her judgment that she allows this man near her DC. I see people are saying ‘he’ll be dead soon’ but I assume she had maintained contact prior to his illness? No way I’d be risking my child going for a play date that might include a pedophile popping in for a fly cup.

This. I'd question her judgement if she's allowed them there too.

Why is she being abused on social media? Did her dad do something? Disgusting man.

WhereTheSuburbsMeetUttoxeter · 15/08/2023 01:30

I can't see anywhere that this woman has left her children unsupervised with this man.

Kids may be able to sleep over with locks on doors, but I can't see where this has actually happened.

Visit the man maybe - all under their mothers scrutiny I imagine.

I'd rather know who's who because then you know to be extra vigilant. I don't think OPs kids will be seeing the disgusting dying old perv for who I have zero sympathy.

How many generations of this family should suffer due to his actions. 2 are suffering already. When her kids remember grandad as nice man as they know no different, should their kids suffer too?

GG1986 · 15/08/2023 01:39

I don't think you should punish the children because her dad is a paedo. Tell her you would rather meet at the park or a soft play.

Qilin · 15/08/2023 01:50

It's not her crime and it's certainly not her DCs crime. They shouldn't have to pay for his wrong doing.

Although we think we might do something in advance, if and when events happen we really have no idea how we will actually react. She would have been conflicted - the dad she knew growing up and the man who commuted the crime. No one really knows what they'd do unless in that very situation.

Qilin · 15/08/2023 01:53

I think I'm just a bit shocked tbh. Also the way she said she would understand if we didn't want to be friends etc made me feel like that is a reasonable outcome iyswim.

I think it just shows that she has had to get used to people shunning her and her child as a result of her father's crimes.

TeenLifeMum · 15/08/2023 01:59

My friend’s brother did similar but a bit worse and was in prison for 18 months. Friend came round to tell me as she’d been my dc nanny when they were little and was worried some horrible trouble makers would get to me first with the news. He brother lived in a different county but after prison, lost his job so moved home with her parents temporarily. Lots of rules in place re her dc and they couldn’t see her brother. Her parents took him in because they thought he’d kill himself. I can’t imagine how hard it was but then for the bitchy mums at school to all pile in, refusing their dc to play with my friend’s dc. Those poor dc were horribly bullied. Friend did nothing wrong but she and her dc suffered awfully.

DebbieLouiseDairyleaCheese · 15/08/2023 02:40

I do understand your hesitation, but I think the fact she felt she could tell you, and also wanted to speak to your husband is really the best thing she could have done. I'm not sure as black and white, she's related to paedophile, so I would honestly put my guard up. But I agree that she's not done the crime and must feel such a dreadful mix of emotions.

pompomdaisy · 15/08/2023 02:54

She's getting flamed by you when she's been totally open and honest. You're not her friend really are you? No friend of mine would behave like that. She deserves your honesty in return. If you don't feel your dc is safe then tell her. If you don't think she's made wise decisions tell her.

Northernsouloldies · 15/08/2023 03:00

His crime and conviction, why should she and her children suffer because of what he done. Can't imagine the heartbreak finding out your dad is a nonce.

AlexandriasWindmill · 15/08/2023 03:06

What does your DH think? I'm surprised he doesn't have a strong view about associating with someone who is in contact with a paedophile under a suspended sentence.
Ask yourself if you'd allow your DC to have even supervised contact with a convicted paedophile. I wouldn't. The fact she does points to her having poor judgement. Other people who know her father is a paedophile might also judge your parenting and approach to safeguarding.

CallItLoneliness · 15/08/2023 06:23

Qilin · 15/08/2023 01:53

I think I'm just a bit shocked tbh. Also the way she said she would understand if we didn't want to be friends etc made me feel like that is a reasonable outcome iyswim.

I think it just shows that she has had to get used to people shunning her and her child as a result of her father's crimes.

Absolutely this. It has happened to her before, and therefore she knows to expect it, and doesn't want things to get even weirder.

I'm pretty appalled how many on this thread would punish a woman for a man's crimes. I had hoped that as a society, we were moving toward holding men responsible for their own crimes; this thread makes me despair.

Mollymalone123 · 15/08/2023 06:27

Op has your friend actually ever introduced her dc to her father or was she just telling you the rules around his conditions ? Everyone here is assuming she visits her father with her dc?
i know if a family in the same scenario of downloading images etc and worryingly it turns out it’s surprisingly common for men who are addicted to pornography who end up downloading child sex abuse images and extreme pornography as that is where the addiction has led them . This category seems to be treated as being out in sex offenders register and suspended sentence.this particular individual is deemed low risk of reoffending and has supervised access to his own dc. I’m not saying it doesn’t appal me but the people who understand this sort of thing definitely see it as a different issue and not true paedophilia. I’m sure they’ll be someone on mumsnet who can explain it better than me. All I’m saying is she has been upfront with you and sought your husband’s advice. I bet lots of people are allowing their children to play dates without truly knowing anything about their friend’s family-it’s hardly something you advertise.I really hope she isn’t on mumsnet as she’s being doubly punished here. She must be very conflicted about her father . Guilt must play a huge part and is she only now having contact because he is dying?

panko · 15/08/2023 06:37

Personally I'd say no playdates round hers until her dad has died.