Friend's dad convicted paedophile. Wwyd?

[Namechangerererererer]

Dc started school last year, got chatting to one of the other mums in the playground as our kids seem to get on well. She seems quite open and is has been telling me about her dad who is dying of cancer etc. I've tried to be supportive as much as an acquaintance would be.

Before we broke up for the holidays we agreed to meet up a few times so the kids could see each other. Met up last week, lovely few hours.

While we were chatting last week I mentioned dhs job, he's a pc. Didn't think anything of it tbh.

Then today she messaged asking if we want to go round to hers later in the week to play. I agreed and then she messaged a few hours later asking if she could speak to my dh. This happens now and again where people just want some police advice without ringing the police.

So she basically disclosed she was being harassed on social media by a now ex friend who had found out her dad is a convicted paedophile. He was apparently convicted for downloading images a few years ago and was given a suspended sentence.

Apparently he's not allowed unsupervised contact with her dc, dc is not allowed to stay over unless there's a lock on the door (!!) That sounds bizarre to me tbh. Her dad doesn't live with them and is unlikely to last til the end of the month.

She said she'd understand if we didn't want our dc to play together. I just don't know how to feel. Obviously it's not her crime, and her dc is totally innocent in this but there's something nagging at me that makes me very uncomfortable. I think it's the fact that despite the conviction she's obviously still supports him with his illness. If it was a family member of mine, they'd be dead to me.

Iabu- not her crime so shouldn't be punished

Ianbu- her judgements off and I'd be uncomfortable too

Also, bugger odd daily mail journalists.

To everyone on this thread who says "I could never..." one in 25 men is a rapist. One in three men would rape if they could get away with it. Between 1/100 and 1/20 men is a paedophile. The fact of the matter is, you already are supporting a man who has done something we consider monstrous, that is a near statistical certainty. Whether we like it or not, these crimes are not rare, and we need to find ways to deal with them that are actually realistic and actually protect women and children, and perpetuating the myth of "only monsters..." opens the door to "but he's such a nice guy, he would never..." defences. Until there is an island somewhere to which we are prepared to export 1/5 of the male population (who in your life would you export?) "just cut them off" is an answer that speaks of the privilege of not having had to deal with the reality

One of the articles you have linked is from Cosmopolitan Magazine 🤣

It also references a very questionable study. It was only included 73 men and was hardly representative of the general population - they were all American university students.

I’m not saying I disagree with your general argument - I’m sure there are many more male sexual predators around than most women realise.

However, there is a huge difference between knowingly and unknowingly supporting or associating with male sex offenders.

I’m nothing like privileged thanks, neither are the many survivors I have known who have all cut off their abusers and the family who stand by them.

Expecting people to centre decisions around abusers and the best way to support them speaks of the privilege of not knowing the effects that CSA has.

You're making an awful lot of assumptions there. Most of them are incorrect, but hey, I hope they make you feel better.

Yeah, so I generally do try to link to (accurate) representations of academic research in the popular media, because most academics don't write for a general audience, and much research is paywalled. I've read the original study, and it is...at best, worrisome.

I voted YANBU, but I agree that it’s not her crime. I would cut contact if any of my relatives/friends were convicted of this crime, but some people find it difficult to let go of the person they experienced.

In this instance I wouldn’t let my DC go to her home.

What assumptions?!

You will never leave your kids alone on a play date?

Ever?

What happens when they reach the age they want some independence?

Controversial I know, but I'd still have something of a relationship with close family even if they had been convicted of very serious crimes. Its possible to not be collusive or an apologist, to protect yourself and others and still offer some support - emotional, practical etc to someone that you feel a personal connection to.

That I have no idea of the impact of CSA. That I propose centering the experiences of abusers. Just for two.

Um, you did propose centring the needs of abusers. Your argument is ‘abusers exist and families don’t want to cut them off so we should find a way to protect kids while still supporting abusers’. My argument is no one in their right mind would care what a paedophile wants or needs, and they don’t deserve support in ill health or any other situation.

Also I didn’t assume you do or don’t know anything about CSA, I said your posts make it sound like you either don’t know or don’t care.

What about the argument that paedophiles with family support are less likely to reoffend? I don’t know if this is true, by the way, but it’s often mentioned on here.

By that age they will hopefully know what to do if a paedophile tries to do anything inappropriate with them. Small children can't defend themselves as easily.