Friend's dad convicted paedophile. Wwyd?

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Dc started school last year, got chatting to one of the other mums in the playground as our kids seem to get on well. She seems quite open and is has been telling me about her dad who is dying of cancer etc. I've tried to be supportive as much as an acquaintance would be.

Before we broke up for the holidays we agreed to meet up a few times so the kids could see each other. Met up last week, lovely few hours.

While we were chatting last week I mentioned dhs job, he's a pc. Didn't think anything of it tbh.

Then today she messaged asking if we want to go round to hers later in the week to play. I agreed and then she messaged a few hours later asking if she could speak to my dh. This happens now and again where people just want some police advice without ringing the police.

So she basically disclosed she was being harassed on social media by a now ex friend who had found out her dad is a convicted paedophile. He was apparently convicted for downloading images a few years ago and was given a suspended sentence.

Apparently he's not allowed unsupervised contact with her dc, dc is not allowed to stay over unless there's a lock on the door (!!) That sounds bizarre to me tbh. Her dad doesn't live with them and is unlikely to last til the end of the month.

She said she'd understand if we didn't want our dc to play together. I just don't know how to feel. Obviously it's not her crime, and her dc is totally innocent in this but there's something nagging at me that makes me very uncomfortable. I think it's the fact that despite the conviction she's obviously still supports him with his illness. If it was a family member of mine, they'd be dead to me.

Iabu- not her crime so shouldn't be punished

Ianbu- her judgements off and I'd be uncomfortable too

Also, bugger odd daily mail journalists.

It does also sound like she has a conscience and was letting you know about her dad's conviction ahead of your visit. She didn't have to let you know, the story of the online harassing friend was probably just an "in". So she is caring and aware enough that she told you first (who knows if your husband being a PC affected her level of honesty) so that would go in her favour for me.

There are all sorts of reasons she might be ‘supporting her dad with his illness’. He is dying and she just feels it’s humane to at least give him a decent end; he is her dad and she may just feel some sense of duty for that reason; he may have expressed remorse to her; the nature of the offences (eg the number and type of images) might have had some bearing on whether she felt she could continue to see him; she may think he is less likely to reoffend if he has some support in place… the list is endless really.

Im pleased to say I’ve never been in her situation, and like you, I always tell myself someone would be dead to me if this happened. But I also used to work in the criminal justice system, and one thing I learnt from that in relation to cases like this are that human relationships and psychology and the vast spectrum of offending make things between offenders and their families always, always way more complicated than we can imagine. The emotions people feel are so much more complex and there are so many factors at play, and nobody truly knows how they would react.

This. The lady is innocent of any crimes except not turning on her Dad. As he is dying and will be dead in a month I think I'd carry on as normal. Your DC is in no danger from him at all. She will need her friends when he passes.

I would support her, it's not her crime. Her Dad is also dying, what do you expect her to do, not see him, she has been honest and upfront.
If you are bothered, let her child play at your house, meet at a cafe, park, or cinema, also if you are at her house you can stay with your child. I feel so sorry for this woman, and her child has done nothing wrong.
The person who is harrasing her at this time on social media is a disgrace, she knows her Father will die, and she knows this woman has suffered because of her Father.
You would also be denying your son and her little boy a friendship.
I hate pedophiles, but she is not one. She lives with the trauma of being the daughter of one.

It's interesting that most think iabu. I'll take that on board. Logically I know this isn't her fault at all, but it's just the crime makes me feel repulsed tbh. It's one of the worst things a person can do.

The pp said we must be used to random disclosures like this, absolutely not. It's normally my neighbours being a pain, can you sign my passport etc.

Our dc absolutely would not be left with anyone so I/we would always be present so I know there's no risk and yes he doesn't have long left so that will be the end of the risk to her and her dc.

I think I'm just a bit shocked tbh. Also the way she said she would understand if we didn't want to be friends etc made me feel like that is a reasonable outcome iyswim.

I am 100% with you, OP. Her judgement is shit. She allows a convicted paedophile the be around her kids?! Supervised or not, that wouldn’t happen in a million years if I were her. I would end this friendship personally.

I could be way off her but suspect she thought that by being upfront with you and telling your police officer husband about it and the harassment she received since, that she is trying extremely hard to provide full disclosure and not damage your friendship.

The door lock thing dies sound a little off and I'm sure someone better informed than me will give better insight.

Her father is about to die and how knows who much time she spends with him or not etc. I know of it was my father, I would severe ties immediately and get my mum as far away from him as I possibly could & she's at any age to manage life without him but if they were elderly and my mum wouldn't leave, I would probably maintain basic interaction purely to make sure that my mum was doing OK. A really difficult one and very hard to imagine dealing with until on that position I think.

Op, I totally understand your worry. But my adult son has a conviction for looking at illegal images and he doesn't live with me. His crimes are not my crimes. I do still see him, he's my son. But I would never ever have him around any children.

Your friend has been honest with your DH. Unless your friends dad lives with her dying dad, i wouldn't stop being her friend. Her children have nothing to do with this. It's HORRIBLE that he's done this but are your children actually at risk by going on a play date with you there? No they aren't.

I think that I would feel a little bit the same as you.
My concern would be that she's quite flippant to say " oh DD can't stay at my father's house unless there's a lock on the door!"
It would make me concerned that she wasn't actively safeguarding her DD, given the ongoing relationship that she's had with her dad since conviction.

He will die soon, so he won't be a problem, however I would be cautious as to what other decisions she would make that wouldn't necessarily align with my own.

I wouldn't stop the friendship between DD and her daughter, however sleepovers would NEVER happen, and I doubt my child would ever be in a position where this lady was responsible for DD.

I will end this with saying I was sexually abused, so I am very cautious so my answer may be a little extreme.

Yeah I'd be getting the drama/ick factor and would be distancing. I'm clearly not as good a person as others on here. I wouldn't blank her in the playground or go as far to ignore her but I'd be 'so sorry we're busy'.

In terms of the pedophile aspect - suspended sentence and downloading images - I don't know much about this but I would assume it would be on the lighter end of the scale? e.g 14 - 15yr old girls taking and posting their own selfies vs an under 10yrs being abused. Like I say though I don't know enough about how that works with sentencing. I'm guessing your Police officer DH would though?

Still too much for me and honestly I couldn't be arsed getting involved with all that.

If your dh is a police officer, I'd ask him his opinion, not random people on the internet.

He's probably told her all sorts of nonsense, 'a friend borrowed my pc, I didn't know what I was looking at, it was a virus' etc etc. She loves him so she wants to believe him.

It's not her fault, your kids aren't at risk. She's protecting her own by the sounds of it.

Poor thing is probably just used to people dropping her like a rock when they find out. Just keep the friendship the same, you don't have to care that her father is I'll/dead just support her as you would of anyway.

Do you have any way to verify what she's saying? It all sounds a bit odd, right down to choosing to speak to your DH before bringing it up with you.

I don’t think it would be nice to blame her as it isn’t her who is the pedo. But I would ask, I would ask her over a coffee if she was okay and where the kids will be playing together if you could get more details if she’s comfortable. That way u can sort of see if she is jus in it because he’s terminally ill or if she has supported him. Maybe she will open up but if she doesn't then I would jus host at my own house.

Yanbu, I'd stay polite but I'd definitely distance myself from her , she has absolutely awful judgement letting her father around her kids. I wouldn't really want to be in the company of someone who would allow their child to spend time in the company of a pedophile. I'd feel bad for her but I wouldn't be getting overly involved

if she still has contact with him, then she condones his crimes

Hang on, don't forget a lot of abuse victims themselves are still in contact with their abusers due to abuse often happening within families and in secret. It's so so so complicated when a loved family member turns out to be an abuser. It's not at all straightforward.

It’s none of your business how she manages her relationship with her dad. It is your business to watch out for the safety of your kids. Stay on polite terms. See what she wants to discuss after her dad has passed. She might need medical help to get counselling. She sounds like she understands your unease. She did reach out to talk to your dh. Just say that if she wants a chat you’re there.

Sadly we had the exact same in my extended family. I think it’s quite a personal choice whether you cut them out of your life. Some of my relatives have, some haven’t.

if the ops friend believed he was wrongly convicted, I’m sure she would have mentioned it to the op.
OP you owe this woman nothing.

I wouldn't believe the terminally ill stuff for an instant. He could have fed her that line to keep her in contact. Does sound like she's being blackmailed by somebody 'if you don't tell her, I will', though.

She was upset on the phone and I think she may have panicked since her other friend posted something on Facebook- she may thought we'd see it or everyone else would also see it. I don't have any mutual friends with her though and we don't really have many friends around here except our next door neighbours so it isn't likely.
I do appreciate her honesty over it. Dh said its impossible to say what the offence involved from just the fact it was suspended. She did say his house was raided and they removed all electronics so I think it must've been quite bad for the police to have done that.

Same here. I would be there during the play date. I wouldn’t cut her off but I’d be cautious about my child being there - not without me.

She's been telling me about his illness since before Christmas so I do believe that. The type of cancer it is means its quite likely to be late before it was found and also talking about types of equipment the nurses are using in his home make sense.

The fact the police raided the house and seized electronics doesn’t say much about severity or not. I know if cases where the police have raided houses based on one picture. (Very rare for there only to be one in reality, but a warrant can be issued based on one picture).

My gut thought is that it’s not her crime, it must be bad enough for her to have that hanging over her and her family as she is being tarred with his brush. I always feel for the innocent family members in these cases.

I remember when the Rolf Harris case came out and feeling so sorry for his daughter Bindy. To realise your own father isn't the man you thought he was. That must be a horrendous shock.