Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH works 9-5, so everything is my responsibility

300 replies

Hipp0campus · 14/08/2023 07:44

Basically that.
DH works 9-5, so has never done any night wakings, early mornings ect.
His ruling is that he works and I don't, so the childcsre/house/shopping stuff is my responsibility.

Generally fine with this, logically makes sense. But when I ask for help or have been up since 4.30am with disabled DC, it'd be great to have some help.

If i ask him to change a nappy or something else, I get told I'm nagging. But he won't do it off his own back.

We have 3 DC, one disabled.
I feel like a single parent half the time.

YABU - you don't work so crack on

YANBU- 3 DC need both hands on deck.

OP posts:
ElizabethVonArnim · 14/08/2023 20:02

FFS. My DP works 9-5 and while I love him, and appreciate all the cooking etc that he does, it really grates on me that he gets to stop at 5pm. It's practically part time compared to my (quite ordinary) job that requires a lot of evening work and leaving the house before 7am on the regular.

9-5 is a perfectly ordinary workload and a lot lighter than some. Unless it's hard physical work he should be able to do plenty to help both mornings and evenings.

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 14/08/2023 20:14

You’re not being unreasonable to expect him to pull his weight, but you ARE being unreasonable to compare yourself to a single parent.
He at least brings in a wage to support you all financially, being a single parent AND having to go to work as well as juggle kids, disabled or not, is far more stressful and difficult.

Mumof2teens79 · 14/08/2023 20:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

As "client" then there should be a clear contract with service level agreement and rates of pay.
If he is unhappy he can go and find an alternative housekeeper and minimum 3 people to provide round the clock care for his children.

He should also be mindful of working time directives and maximum working hours and right ro time off.

MamskiBell · 14/08/2023 20:23

SummerDuck · 14/08/2023 07:57

You are a SAHM so course caring and household duties are your responsibility. Your DH is going out to work to provide an income for the family. I really don’t see the issue.

So he's 9 to 5 and she's 24/7 & you think that's fair. He couldn't provide saud income if she didn't SAH. She's happy to do the lions share while he works but she doesn't get any down time/weekend/annual leave while he does. It's not the bloody 50s now!

GloryBees · 14/08/2023 20:29

I work way more hours than your husband. I also more than carry my fair share at home.

I really can’t work out why you’d have 3 children with a man like that? Especially with the drip feed of you surviving on 3 hours sleep a night. I’d get divorced.

toobusymummy · 14/08/2023 20:46

that is in no way an equal sharing of the responsibilities of adulting - I take it you didn't strong arm him into getting married, getting a house or having children? no I didn't think so! I'd be having a very pointed 'reset' conversation with him about what is included in the life you've both built - YOU have a full time job being a SAHM and HE has a full time job in the office - during office hours! - after office hours anything that's left to be done or anything to do with raising your kiddos needs to be EQUALLY SHARED - does he think you sit twiddling your thumbs whilst he's at work? I'm betting he gets more breaks than you do!

Tableaufox · 14/08/2023 20:55

Based on his logic, your parenting ends at 5pm. So what’s next…?

Islandgirl68 · 14/08/2023 20:56

I was a SHAM and took on the house hold duties etc. But my DH still did his share. Some times when he came in, I would go out to he supermarket and leave him to deal with the kids. Ahh the days when skipping of to the supermarket on your own was a luxury when you had small kids. But you have the added stress of looking after a child with complex needs, so you need more support. And certainly don't call the time the kids are in school your weekend. You still have one to look after and it is a good time to get the chores etc done. He is living in cloud cuckoo land and he should definitely be helping you. What very outdated ideas he has.

Doone21 · 14/08/2023 20:57

When you feel like a single parent but don't have the freedom of one why do you stay married?

Backagain23 · 14/08/2023 20:57

His ruling is that he works and I don't
Why can't the lazy POS do some of the "not work" when he comes home then? It can't be that hard, by his own logic, so he should be able to chill out and relax while cleaning the bathroom or changing a nappy or whatever and enjoy some of the benefits of the restful time you are apparently having while he slaves away.
If it's too much like work for him to share after his paid job then it's too much work for one person to carry alone 24/7.
What an utter shithead.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 14/08/2023 21:00

PuttingDownRoots · 14/08/2023 08:16

SAHP do what needs doing when the other parent is at work.
Anything out of working hours like nappies or dishes or cooking or taking them to activities is a shared responsibility.

Agree

Maria1982 · 14/08/2023 21:00

Hipp0campus · 14/08/2023 07:52

@legalseagull his point is that all week is my weekend, 2 of the DC are school age so I do have between 9am-2.30pm with just the one DC.

In which case you have NO weekend, because you always have at least one child with you.
and a disabled therefore high needs child at that.

Honestly he is being SO unreasonable. Slightly worrying you even have to ask…

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 14/08/2023 21:01

Hipp0campus · 14/08/2023 08:42

Didn't want to drip feed, but a year ago i was working night shifts 2/3 nights a week, so would sleep 7pm-10pm, then work 11pm-7am, then do school runs and have other DC all day, DH would get home at 6.30pm and I still wouldn't be able to sleep until all DC were in bed- about 9/10pm. Did that for a year and it nearly killed me. Sleep deprived to the max. So now on carers allowance as unable to find a suitable job around DC.

Awful!!!! Poor you!!

How old is you disabled dc op?

mandlerparr · 14/08/2023 21:01

It is because they are selfish and deluded. They work 8 hours a day and sleep 8 or more and that leaves them another 8 hours where they do nothing. some may spend 30 minutes or longer in commute. But, that still leaves 6 hours a day of free time and entire weekends free.
They don't understand that your job is 24/7, especially with carer duties. Carer duties and parenting duties don't stop at 5pm or on the weekends.
If you are with a good spouse, they take up the slack while you both work. Some don't and that is another issue.
But, for some reason, when one of the parents is made to stay home. And yes, made to stay home is the correct phrase. It can take years to even FIND an outside caregiver much less find the money to pay for it.
So, one person is forced to stay home and be on call 24/7, often rarely sleeping 6 hours a day, much less 8.
Yet the spouse with 6 hours or more of free time per day and a full weekend free get to say that they work more and that they shouldn't be expected to do anything and then the misogynists come out of the woodwork to back them up.
I don't care if you have 5 jobs. Spend some time taking care of your kids.
Especially when most SAHP's ask for the barest amount of help like watch the kids so I can shower, clean over there, go to the doctors, etc. I think they can give up 1 of their 6 free hours to spend with their effing kids.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 14/08/2023 21:02

@SunRainStorm when a woman stands up for herself she stands up for all women!!

anotherside · 14/08/2023 21:04

Person A calculates approx how many hours pure free time they get in an average week.

Person B does the same.

Shouldnt be a difficult concept. Obviously from the off him expecting a totally free Sat + Sun is massively taking the piss unless OP is sitting around totally free for 3+ hours each week day.

Gumptionesque · 14/08/2023 21:10

Your DH works 40 hrs per week, how many hours do you work looking after the kids and house? If he’s not contributing in the house, then you’re taking on much more than half, and it’s not fair.

anotherside · 14/08/2023 21:12

@mandlerparr
It is because they are selfish and deluded

Yes, but also because so many people tolerate it. Man says “I will keep my 9-5
job and bring home the salary while you do the easy bit at home, so I get all the other time free”. Woman nods in agreement and then spends the next five years getting more and more resentful.

Surely the division of tasks when children arrive is about the most crucial aspect of a relationship there is and yet so many walk into blindfolded and become willing martyrs.

Zanatdy · 14/08/2023 21:13

Housework etc yes should fall to the SAHP but once he’s home from work does he expect you to do all the childcare, put kids to bed on your own? As that’s not fair. We both worked and had to split it when we got home, one cooked, one did bath, bed etc. I still think he should be sharing cooking / bath and bed. He’s rude and lazy, I’d be waving him goodbye and see how he gets on with parenting them all on his access time or 50/50

anotherside · 14/08/2023 21:15

Hold on, what about people who work 9-5 and don't have kids. Do they do fuck all housework or anything chore-related outside of work? Are they all living in shit pits because they can't clean up? Do they starve because they can't go shopping? Of course not.
He's a lazy, useless tosser.

Sounds about right. As someone else said, all you need to do is calculate equal downtime. And if he won’t accept that you may as well divorce.

Echobelly · 14/08/2023 21:15

He gets time off from his job. You get none whatsoever. Plus looking after 3 kids with one with a disability is going to be a damn sight harder then most jobs.

So no, he doesn't get to abdicate all responsibility outside work.

MoreThanEnoughSoFar · 14/08/2023 21:15

His ruling is that he works and I don't

I think that is your entire problem. That you somehow have accepted his opinion as a ruling you must follow. "Ruling?" He is not your judge. He is your partner and the father of your children, and as such he should share responsibilities. Your full work responsibilities lie between 9-5. You cannot expect help from him there, but before and after that time, the family, your 3 children, and what cleaning/cooking you can't manage because you have a child with disabilities, are a shared responsibility.

You are not asking for his help. You are expecting him to do his part. You don't work? If you weren't there, he would have to pay someone to clean/child-sit, a carer for the child with disabilities alone and probably a third person just to cook. That's three pay checks you cover. None of those people would accept to have sole responsibility for his children and work before 9 and after 5, while he was swanning around. So why should you? Because the children are yours? Well, they're his too.

Jk987 · 14/08/2023 21:17

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 14/08/2023 07:47

YANBU.

I do generally agree that a SAHP should be responsible for the domestic stuff. However, when you have a disabled child, it's different. He needs to pull his weight.

He needs to pull his weight full stop not just because one of his children is disabled. Confused

mandlerparr · 14/08/2023 21:22

anotherside · 14/08/2023 21:15

Hold on, what about people who work 9-5 and don't have kids. Do they do fuck all housework or anything chore-related outside of work? Are they all living in shit pits because they can't clean up? Do they starve because they can't go shopping? Of course not.
He's a lazy, useless tosser.

Sounds about right. As someone else said, all you need to do is calculate equal downtime. And if he won’t accept that you may as well divorce.

actual downtime. If the kids are around and you are in charge of them, that is not downtime. A lot of people seem to think it is. If I can't get up and just leave the house alone with zero cares same as the working parent, then that is not downtime.

Peaplant20 · 14/08/2023 21:27

Will never understand these types of dads. If he considers that when you are “just” looking after your disabled DC to be your weekend then why can’t he do it at the weekend if it’s that easy?

When both of you are at home everything should be 50:50, including night wakings, why wouldn’t it be? You’re both the parents.