DH works 9-5, so everything is my responsibility

[Hipp0campus]

Basically that.
DH works 9-5, so has never done any night wakings, early mornings ect.
His ruling is that he works and I don't, so the childcsre/house/shopping stuff is my responsibility.

Generally fine with this, logically makes sense. But when I ask for help or have been up since 4.30am with disabled DC, it'd be great to have some help.

If i ask him to change a nappy or something else, I get told I'm nagging. But he won't do it off his own back.

We have 3 DC, one disabled.
I feel like a single parent half the time.

YABU - you don't work so crack on

YANBU- 3 DC need both hands on deck.

Honestly, I'd book myself into a spa for two days and get him to take annual leave. He can see how 'weekend' it is having just one child to deal with during the day, while juggling the school run, making dinner etc.

I'd also do less as it's the 'weekend' during the day. I'd certainly not be ironing his clothes, doing his washing as it's the 'weekend' and therefore time off. He does realise that being unsupportive of his partner is grossly off-putting and unattractive?

When children learn to be awake only between 9 and 5, then yes, he can go to work and your hours would be the same. But don’t think that’s ever going to happen and he’s a parent too. Surely he realised pre children that they wake at night, get sick and create an awful lot of work?

When my 2 kids (neither have disabilities) were little and I was briefly a SAHM, I would watch the front door from 5pm. As soon as he walked through it he would be handed at least 1 child and most of the time they were screaming. I would then pour wine and run a bath for myself.
On the weekend I would have a lie in both days and my DH would also get up in the night. We would look after the children together on the weekends.
I’m not married to a prince among men. This is pretty normal. I married a man who could see I was exhausted and doing everything I could. A man who saw that his responsibility to his children was as great as mine. A man who had to (and wanted to) do everything he could to help his wife and children thrive.
This is what you and your children deserve. Don’t settle for anything less.

So by his logic he deserves a break and hours of downtime, yet you don’t. Completely unfair and he’s being a useless parent.

Why did you choose to have 3 children with a lazy misogynistic prick who does not care about your well-being?

Don't understand that logic at all. I work and DS goes to a childminder. Does that mean that I shouldn't have to do any parenting after work or on the weekend?

You and both working during the day - you with childcare and domestic chores. So after work and weekend then need to be split evenly.

I agree most of the housework should be done in the day but children are a24/7. So he should be helping out with childcare in the evening and on the weekends everything should be 50/50.
I would simply tell him one Saturday that you are going out alone but that's okay because he knows looking after the children is easy and after all you look after the children on your "weekend ".
He'll never say it's easy or like a weekend again but I think something deeper is going on. I don't think you will do this. Are you scared of him? He sounds vile.

Your husband sounds like an absolute useless waste of space. My DH works full time 8-4, I work part time (30 hours, 2 night shifts and 1 short shift per week) and I do more with the kids because of hours and because I’m obviously at home during the week more, but he does just as much parenting when he’s at home, and just as much housework if not more than me. We alternate who cooks. We alternate who does bedtime. He will openly admit that going to work in the office is far easier than having the kids all day 🤷🏻‍♀️

All this to say, the way your husband acts is not “normal” or acceptable. It shows he takes you for granted, does not value what you do for the family, and is rude and disrespectful. He’s the problem. He needs to step up, and if he doesn’t you should dump his lazy arse because your life will be easier without him (and he’ll have a nice wake up call)

When I had younger kids and was a SAHM I did what I did during my husband’s working hours - i.e. I worked when he did. Once home and at weekends, everything was shared.

Are you stuck in the 1950s?
OP is working (looking after children) during the working days...yes during those hours it's her responsibility. Once "D"H is home from work then evenings and weekends should be 50/50. Fair enough she probably should do bulk of night time wakings but it's not inconceivable that he should step in to help too.
What's this idea that SAHP has to work 24/7.
For what it's worth I'm not a SAHP but had one year maternity leave for each child so remember how full on the day can be with one or more children.

As one of DC is disabled I think it totally depends on how much care has to be given. In any regular SAHP set up the housework, shopping etc. can be done during school hours once children hit that point but having 2/3 young children at home is harder than most office jobs. Both parents are entitled to some evening and weekend downtime you don’t get to not parent because you work out of the home 5 days a week. Factor in disabled DC and that is taking it to another level.

@MamskiBell I think @SummerDuck must be a troll. In another post he / she was talking about OP needing to consider her husband as her client.

It is easier going to work than looking after a child!

He is the father so he should help raise his child

Very good point. We don’t have kids, we both work, me PT as I’m retiring soon, him FT. I do all the housework and laundry and the veg and flower gardening, but DH does the cooking 6 out of 7 times a week cos he likes to cook, mows the lawn, trims hedges and fixes stuff. He also food shops. He pitches in and does not expect me to do it all.

Before, I worked FT and he was PT, and the roles were reversed. He picked up the housework and laundry.

My husband is not a customer I serve. It is a partnership.

You explained it perfectly well @EnterFunnyNameHere I totally agree. Seems like OP's DH wants to have his cake and eat it.

Sorry op, a kind and loving man would not expect you to manage on 3 hours sleep because they can’t be bothered to look after their own kids after their working day. It doesn’t sound like he cares about you.

So the person earning the wage only works 40 hours a week, the one not earning does around 84 hours per week plus on call for every evening. Potentially woken a lot during the night with a disabled child.
Yeah that seems really fair.
Being at work is probably a lot easier than caring for 3 children too when 1 is disabled. If your doing it right that is, those who don't find it to be hard work probably aren't putting much effort in to it.

@SummerDuck had her own very long-running thread bemoaning her DH wanting to give her ‘routines’ and ‘duties’ where she got a lot of sympathy.

Unfortunately, she is in a marriage where there two partners don’t actually like each other (he gives her routines and duties; she views him as a client/customer), so their set-up should not be viewed as any sort of model.

Detest that attitude.
He works 9-5 - give 30 mins each end for travel he is 'on duty' for 9 hours a day. How many hours a day would he agree you are 'on duty' for??
Given bedtime at 10, he has 5 hours after work to himself. When would he say your equivalent 5 hours are?

Of course you have to do most of it, but not ALL of it. That’s just plain mean 😢
Does he not feel the love for you all that would make him WANT to be involved?
Or maybe he’s just an overgrown toddler?

I hate him.

Point out your life would actually be easier if you divorced him and had 50/50 custody.
Thing is if he were living alone even without the kids, he'd been doing more housework, or paying someone much more than he pays for your upkeep, to do it.
He's getting a free ride here.
A 9-5 job is not actually financially worth the same as 24hr childcare for 1 kid and partial childcare for 2 others and 24hr cleaning and cooking and housekeeping. In no way does that equate to the same workload or to the same monetary value.

Easier said than done obviously but honestly I'd leave this bellend. Your life would improve. You're basically already a single parent. At least that way you'd get a bit of respite and wouldn't have to care for him as well as your kids.

This is actually heartbreaking. 😔 That your so called ‘dear’ husband would let you suffer like that. Sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture. WTAF have I just read. This is not ok.

You would never hear of a mother working full time and refusing to do anything at all of partner was sahd! Woman are usually guilt ridden and desperate to spend time doing mum things

OP, if you separated you would get down time when he has the DC EOW and once in the week. This really is the time to go and see a solicitor and find out where you stand.

You and the DC deserve so much more.

As a SAHM I always did the night feeds/waking because DH had to get up early and drive/use machinery etc and needed a good night's sleep. If I was a bit of a zombie I wasn't causing a health risk. (But DH did get involved if needed e.g poonamis or sickness bugs, teething nightmares etc).

I also did most of the housework etc. But he certainly did nappy changes and bottle feeds etc when he was home, and all the other general Dad stuff. He's never been a housework sort of person as he has employment and self employment out of the home, plus does a lot of 'man' stuff here such as maintaining cars, grunt work in our large garden etc - but he never shirked the childcare. I think the key thing is making sure both partners pull their weight - if your DH only works 9-5 (and assuming he doesn't travel 3 hours each way every day) then he is taking the P!

Plus he should want to spend time with his DCs. Why have kids if you don't want to share all those early experiences?