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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH works 9-5, so everything is my responsibility

300 replies

Hipp0campus · 14/08/2023 07:44

Basically that.
DH works 9-5, so has never done any night wakings, early mornings ect.
His ruling is that he works and I don't, so the childcsre/house/shopping stuff is my responsibility.

Generally fine with this, logically makes sense. But when I ask for help or have been up since 4.30am with disabled DC, it'd be great to have some help.

If i ask him to change a nappy or something else, I get told I'm nagging. But he won't do it off his own back.

We have 3 DC, one disabled.
I feel like a single parent half the time.

YABU - you don't work so crack on

YANBU- 3 DC need both hands on deck.

OP posts:
Pebbledashery · 14/08/2023 10:50

Your DH is a knob. Of course you need respite from looking after your disabled child, I can only imagine how physically and mentally demanding that is.
I would arrange something for yourself to do one weekend, go out early and leave him to it!! he'll cope!

Cincinnatus · 14/08/2023 10:51

That would make my vagina shrivel up and fall off.

Hibiscrubbed · 14/08/2023 10:57

@SummerDuck has some very odd ideas about a lot of things. 😂 good old AS.

Baneofmyexistence · 14/08/2023 11:04

We are in a similar situation to you, three DC one disabled. I am a stay at home carer, but all three are in school. I take on all the housework, admin etc because I am at home to do it which is fine. I do all the appointments etc for disabled DC and her attendance at school is fairly irregular because she is sick more often, especially in the winter. That is why I am at home and not working so obviously I do all that stuff. DH works Mon-Fri 7-3. When he is at home though he parents his children because they are his children. He takes them on trips out, he changes the disabled DC nappy, he makes them lunch, plays in the garden with them because he is their parent too and working does mean he gets out of parenting! He washes the dishes, does the ironing etc because he lives in this house too. I do the bulk of childcare and housework because that is my job as a SAHP and carer but he does stuff too when he is here because he is an adult parent living in this house.

Led921900 · 14/08/2023 11:05

Tell him between the hours of 9-5 your job is full time childcare and domesticity. At other times you are both responsible for the domestic situation, otherwise effectively you are working much longer than he is at your 'job'.
I don't think you'll get anywhere though if this is what he has gotten away with for the last however many years.

I've started saying 'feminism stops at the front door." The majority of my friends will do almost all the chores and childcare regardless of working situations. Ridiculous. How did we get in this situation where women are expected to work and when they're not do everything else that needs doing. It's a disgrace. Luckily I am the breadwinner at home and although my husband and I work similar hours, we split duties at home reasonably well. I think it's only me bringing in a reasonable wage though that he accepts this.

Cloudsandyoghurts · 14/08/2023 11:06

Hipp0campus · 14/08/2023 08:42

Didn't want to drip feed, but a year ago i was working night shifts 2/3 nights a week, so would sleep 7pm-10pm, then work 11pm-7am, then do school runs and have other DC all day, DH would get home at 6.30pm and I still wouldn't be able to sleep until all DC were in bed- about 9/10pm. Did that for a year and it nearly killed me. Sleep deprived to the max. So now on carers allowance as unable to find a suitable job around DC.

I just cannot imagine sitting by and watching someone I cared about do this. He was happy to watch you survive on 3hrs sleep just to make his easy life even easier. OP wouldnt you all be better off without him?

septicsmeg · 14/08/2023 11:07

I'm going to be creamed for this....his day with commute is prob 8-6 so yes most of it weekday is down to you as the non working person. Weekends however he should step up.

Myself and my husband work 8-6 with two kids and we share everything chore divided out and every other night we take it in turns to cook.

Being a stay at home mum is hard but a choice. Try doing that plus a full time job I too have a daughter with complex needs

YABU

lechatnoir · 14/08/2023 11:09

Baneofmyexistence · 14/08/2023 11:04

We are in a similar situation to you, three DC one disabled. I am a stay at home carer, but all three are in school. I take on all the housework, admin etc because I am at home to do it which is fine. I do all the appointments etc for disabled DC and her attendance at school is fairly irregular because she is sick more often, especially in the winter. That is why I am at home and not working so obviously I do all that stuff. DH works Mon-Fri 7-3. When he is at home though he parents his children because they are his children. He takes them on trips out, he changes the disabled DC nappy, he makes them lunch, plays in the garden with them because he is their parent too and working does mean he gets out of parenting! He washes the dishes, does the ironing etc because he lives in this house too. I do the bulk of childcare and housework because that is my job as a SAHP and carer but he does stuff too when he is here because he is an adult parent living in this house.

Read this post OP, then read it again because this is FAIR and NORMAL.

your husband is a lazy fucker and I'd remind him he is a parent who can either step up when he's a home or piss off and enjoy having ALL 3 children on his own with NO HELP during his contact time when your split up. Seriously, please don't let his 'you're a nag' shit be the reason you let this continue.

gamerchick · 14/08/2023 11:11

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

MRAs do...

Rollonsept · 14/08/2023 11:12

SummerDuck · 14/08/2023 07:59

I am really surprised by the number of people who become SAHMs and then expect DHs to come home from work and start doing housework etc. That is quite literally the purpose of having a SAHP.

OP isn't a slave nor a maid. Personally OP should of stopped at 2 kids at lot of men have this entitled attitude and its obviously enabled by people like yourself.

If OPs DH wasn't together with his wife he would still have to work full time, clean his house and do his own washing... and all the rest. So he could offer to clean the bathroom on a Saturday morning, cook a meal once a week. Take charge of the food shop. What's wrong with that?

CallieQ · 14/08/2023 11:14

YANBU of course he should help out

Nanny0gg · 14/08/2023 11:20

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

What the fuck are you talking about??

spitefulandbadgrammar · 14/08/2023 11:21

septicsmeg · 14/08/2023 11:07

I'm going to be creamed for this....his day with commute is prob 8-6 so yes most of it weekday is down to you as the non working person. Weekends however he should step up.

Myself and my husband work 8-6 with two kids and we share everything chore divided out and every other night we take it in turns to cook.

Being a stay at home mum is hard but a choice. Try doing that plus a full time job I too have a daughter with complex needs

YABU

So say he’s out the house 8-6. OP is up at 4.30 with their disabled DC. She’s already put in 3.5 hours before he’s even had to leave the house.

Nanny0gg · 14/08/2023 11:28

CrazyArmadilloLady · 14/08/2023 08:53

I really don’t think @SummerDuck is posting as a woman.

If they are, then ‘turkeys’ and ‘Christmas’ come to mind, so we can safely assume zero credibility.

Show quote history

I just did the unforgiveable 'search'

Her DH is a high-flyer from South Korea apparently, so not really on the same plane of existence as the rest of us

And their expectations of their DS... words fail me.

Anyway, back to the OP...

JFDIYOLO · 14/08/2023 11:28

'All week is my weekend' - says he.

Going to a workplace and doing something and getting paid for it = work.

Doing all the wife work mother work housekeeping work = not work.

You are both working during his working hours.

You are working during his commuting hours.

You are working during his relaxing evenings.

You are working during his weekends

You are working during his annual leave.

You are working while he is asleep.

There you have it. You have a misogynist husband who does not understand, value or respect the work you do.

This is not fair.

WellPlaced · 14/08/2023 11:30

9-5?
My DH worked 12 hrs a day and was still hands on

SunRainStorm · 14/08/2023 11:41

@Thelonelygiraffe

Much better now, thanks. But it took me realising I had to be more selfish to get there. Men have been conditioned to take and take. Women conditioned to give and give. If we ask for anything, let alone equality then we are 'nagging'.

We both needed reprogramming, and it took over a year to get to a place where I feel the division is fair enough to live with.

Now we both work four days a week, so he has less of an excuse to leave home things to me. I also made him choose specific chores and areas of responsibility for him to be 100% accountable for.

It's not perfect but it's better, and the fact that he is trying helps more than anything because I no longer feel disrespected and resentful.

anonymousxoxo · 14/08/2023 11:42

The reality is he pays the bills and mortgage, you will struggle to pay them when he’s gone. You need to get yourself in a stable financial position and make ways to leave him, share custody and look into respite home for your disabled child.

This is why women need to prioritise their own careers, have financial independence, stability and security because without this (I don’t believe this) men believe they have the power. That’s why so many men refuse to go part time, be a SAHD and would rather work.

Need to be able to fund childcare by ourselves and any respite care if needed.

Another reason why younger professional women are refusing to have children or only having 1/2 when financially stable and can cover everything themselves.

tootyflooty · 14/08/2023 11:50

So he works 9.00-5.00 5 days a week and you work 24 hours 7 days a week. I'd be having a stern word, It really enrages me when men have this appalling attitude, hope you can talk some sense into him, maybe show him all the comments here. Point out you are meant to be a team!!

Joeylove88 · 14/08/2023 11:53

I am seeing so many posts like this where the mum stays at home looking after children and the dad works but doesn't bother helping with the house or children. I mean you would probably be working if you didn't have your disabled child to look after does he not realise this? Although that is beside the point. Yes the majority of childcare and house stuff can be your responsibility but when do you get your downtime? A 9-5 will be easy compared to looking after 3 DC and a house and all of the life admin stuff. He's just being lazy and selfish! There should be a system in place where he can have time for himself and so can you so that it's equal. Maybe he would like to stay at home while you get a full time job and see how well he gets on then...

SnapdragonToadflax · 14/08/2023 12:01

He works 9-5 plus commute at his job. You work 9-5 as a SAHM.

The rest of the time, you are both parents and everything should be split 50/50 (obviously working to your strengths). So yes of course you have time in the day to do the bulk of the housework, but by no means all - especially not with a child at home. Nappies we always took it in turns if we were both home.

Does he ever look after them on his own? When my son got to around 6 months old I made sure to make plans so I was out of the house for 4+ hours occasionally, so my partner got a proper taste of what it was like being at home with a small child. We now have a school-age child and we both go away for weekends, both perfectly capable of parenting and running the household - no difference (except he doesn't do housework to my standard and I can't cook).

fullbloom87 · 14/08/2023 12:01

I think it's fair that a sahp does the majority And perhaps all of the housework and care if the other parents works a hard long hours job but your husband only works 9-5 that's bloody easy hours!!
I think he has time to share the cooking, washing up and laundry. Maybe put the bins out and give you a lie in on a Sunday.
We also have 3 children 1 disabled child and Mine works 6 days a week 7-7 and rarely gets home by 8pm so he doesn't really have enough hours in the day to be helping as the vast majority needs doing before he's even finished work, often he still has work to do when he gets home. but he does help with washing, puts bins out and does diy and he dedicates every Sunday to family time, makes lunch and lets me sleep in.

Spendonsend · 14/08/2023 12:02

anonymousxoxo · 14/08/2023 11:42

The reality is he pays the bills and mortgage, you will struggle to pay them when he’s gone. You need to get yourself in a stable financial position and make ways to leave him, share custody and look into respite home for your disabled child.

This is why women need to prioritise their own careers, have financial independence, stability and security because without this (I don’t believe this) men believe they have the power. That’s why so many men refuse to go part time, be a SAHD and would rather work.

Need to be able to fund childcare by ourselves and any respite care if needed.

Another reason why younger professional women are refusing to have children or only having 1/2 when financially stable and can cover everything themselves.

This is the voice of someone who hasnt ever looked into the availability of respite.

SophieinParis · 14/08/2023 12:03

Definitely he should help.

I would argue that although that’s technically full time, 9 - 5 is not a demanding work schedule in any way.
My DH still does nappies, cooks, the odd night waking and he’s at work until gone 8pm usually! Add in the London commute and his day is long, as are most peoples I know.

No way does your DH have any excuse.

DelphiniumBlue · 14/08/2023 12:04

Hipp0campus · 14/08/2023 07:52

@legalseagull his point is that all week is my weekend, 2 of the DC are school age so I do have between 9am-2.30pm with just the one DC.

So not your weekend then, as you are looking after a child during that time.
When do you get to do anything for yourself? Can you take a few hours in the evening for eg a yoga class, or something at the weekend?
It only counts as "off duty" if you are not looking after any children.
Maybe you could go back to work, it might change the dynamics, and would improve your long term prospects- tbh he doesn't sound like a keeper, so you need to be thinking about your earnings for the future.