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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH works 9-5, so everything is my responsibility

300 replies

Hipp0campus · 14/08/2023 07:44

Basically that.
DH works 9-5, so has never done any night wakings, early mornings ect.
His ruling is that he works and I don't, so the childcsre/house/shopping stuff is my responsibility.

Generally fine with this, logically makes sense. But when I ask for help or have been up since 4.30am with disabled DC, it'd be great to have some help.

If i ask him to change a nappy or something else, I get told I'm nagging. But he won't do it off his own back.

We have 3 DC, one disabled.
I feel like a single parent half the time.

YABU - you don't work so crack on

YANBU- 3 DC need both hands on deck.

OP posts:
anonymousxoxo · 14/08/2023 12:07

Spendonsend · 14/08/2023 12:02

This is the voice of someone who hasnt ever looked into the availability of respite.

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That's a rude response, just trying to help?

anonymousxoxo · 14/08/2023 12:08

Joeylove88 · 14/08/2023 11:53

I am seeing so many posts like this where the mum stays at home looking after children and the dad works but doesn't bother helping with the house or children. I mean you would probably be working if you didn't have your disabled child to look after does he not realise this? Although that is beside the point. Yes the majority of childcare and house stuff can be your responsibility but when do you get your downtime? A 9-5 will be easy compared to looking after 3 DC and a house and all of the life admin stuff. He's just being lazy and selfish! There should be a system in place where he can have time for himself and so can you so that it's equal. Maybe he would like to stay at home while you get a full time job and see how well he gets on then...

This is what I say and get flamed for it. I personally wouldn't want to have a disabled child for the reasons you've listed and this entire thread.

SunRainStorm · 14/08/2023 12:10

anonymousxoxo · 14/08/2023 11:42

The reality is he pays the bills and mortgage, you will struggle to pay them when he’s gone. You need to get yourself in a stable financial position and make ways to leave him, share custody and look into respite home for your disabled child.

This is why women need to prioritise their own careers, have financial independence, stability and security because without this (I don’t believe this) men believe they have the power. That’s why so many men refuse to go part time, be a SAHD and would rather work.

Need to be able to fund childcare by ourselves and any respite care if needed.

Another reason why younger professional women are refusing to have children or only having 1/2 when financially stable and can cover everything themselves.

Oh yes OP, just pop over to your local respite care home. It will cost nothing, have full availability, your child will be of course be automatically eligible and they provide consistently excellent care to a point where you will have no concerns at all about leaving your vulnerable child there.

DelphiniumBlue · 14/08/2023 12:10

Hipp0campus · 14/08/2023 08:42

Didn't want to drip feed, but a year ago i was working night shifts 2/3 nights a week, so would sleep 7pm-10pm, then work 11pm-7am, then do school runs and have other DC all day, DH would get home at 6.30pm and I still wouldn't be able to sleep until all DC were in bed- about 9/10pm. Did that for a year and it nearly killed me. Sleep deprived to the max. So now on carers allowance as unable to find a suitable job around DC.

Find a job same hours as him and pay for childcare. Which is a joint expense, btw. Or suggest you both do 3 or 4 days a week. Night shifts are not the only answer.

Thelonelygiraffe · 14/08/2023 12:11

SunRainStorm · 14/08/2023 11:41

@Thelonelygiraffe

Much better now, thanks. But it took me realising I had to be more selfish to get there. Men have been conditioned to take and take. Women conditioned to give and give. If we ask for anything, let alone equality then we are 'nagging'.

We both needed reprogramming, and it took over a year to get to a place where I feel the division is fair enough to live with.

Now we both work four days a week, so he has less of an excuse to leave home things to me. I also made him choose specific chores and areas of responsibility for him to be 100% accountable for.

It's not perfect but it's better, and the fact that he is trying helps more than anything because I no longer feel disrespected and resentful.

I'm so glad to hear that.

Spendonsend · 14/08/2023 12:14

anonymousxoxo · 14/08/2023 12:07

That's a rude response, just trying to help?

Show quote history

Its not helpful though. Those of us with disabled children are broken and weary and desperate for respite. Its not widely available - even those that access it get minimal hours very infrequently. This child has a father who could help look after his own child sometimes to give op some respite.

anonymousxoxo · 14/08/2023 12:51

SunRainStorm · 14/08/2023 12:10

Oh yes OP, just pop over to your local respite care home. It will cost nothing, have full availability, your child will be of course be automatically eligible and they provide consistently excellent care to a point where you will have no concerns at all about leaving your vulnerable child there.

Show quote history

Again, another rude response!

anonymousxoxo · 14/08/2023 12:51

Spendonsend · 14/08/2023 12:14

Its not helpful though. Those of us with disabled children are broken and weary and desperate for respite. Its not widely available - even those that access it get minimal hours very infrequently. This child has a father who could help look after his own child sometimes to give op some respite.

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And that’s wrong. The father won’t do it, if he isn’t now.

Saoirse82 · 14/08/2023 13:06

MariaVT65 · 14/08/2023 08:52

Bollocks. You can’t look after a disabled child all day (or 3 kids during school holidays) and focus all your attention on housework. I only have a 2 year old and he would absolutely not let me get any stuff done. I can’t even go to the toilet without him wanting to sit on my lap atm.

OP is not her husband’s employee? Why the fuck shouldn’t her husband come home and for example, offer to cook dinner and do the washing up etc? Any normal person who works full time would still have to come home from work and deal with the house. And their kids.

Also, the very high majority of people I know agree that going to work is easier than looking after kids.

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I agree @MariaVT65 . I have a 21 month old and I don't get a chance to do anything during the day. I do my housework at night when she's in bed and then a big clean on a Sat when my Sister takes her. How the hell would the OP have time to do anything caring for three kids? Her husband is a useless arsehole.

SunRainStorm · 14/08/2023 13:21

@anonymousxoxo

Maybe instead of policing peoples manners you could open your mind and learn something.

aveiro · 14/08/2023 14:36

Cringing for the fantasist AKA SummerDuck. Oh dear.

anonymousxoxo · 14/08/2023 15:23

SunRainStorm · 14/08/2023 13:21

@anonymousxoxo

Maybe instead of policing peoples manners you could open your mind and learn something.

Would help if you had some

Samlewis96 · 14/08/2023 16:54

cptartapp · 14/08/2023 08:09

This.
Remind him he's going to shoot himself in the foot if he doesn't step up.
Your life will become a lot more easier than his if you split. You'll get half of every week off for a start.

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How do u work that out? Not guarantee he would see his kids at all if they split

toomuchlaundry · 14/08/2023 17:00

On another thread @SummerDuck works!

Kazzybingbong · 14/08/2023 17:01

SummerDuck · 14/08/2023 07:59

I am really surprised by the number of people who become SAHMs and then expect DHs to come home from work and start doing housework etc. That is quite literally the purpose of having a SAHP.

What? Jobs around the house don’t end at 5pm, when the OH gets home, you’re both on duty. Why should his day get to finish at 5 and hers be 24/7? It’s his house and kids too.

Simplelobsterhat · 14/08/2023 17:12

Hipp0campus · 14/08/2023 07:52

@legalseagull his point is that all week is my weekend, 2 of the DC are school age so I do have between 9am-2.30pm with just the one DC.

That argument doesn't even begin to work unless all the children are at school! You have no free time if a child is always with you!

And even if they were all at school, yes he could expect you to get more housework done etc in that time, and if you have leisure time while they are at school then he should get more in evenings / weekendsthen him, but he's still a parent so at times when he is home should be 50:50 on childcare duties. Or he isn't building a real relationship with them. He can't just turn up for the fun bits.

Simplelobsterhat · 14/08/2023 17:20

I'm always very glad that DH and I both went part time when DD was born as we both found our working days easier than our childcare days when the kids were small, so would never think the person not in work should have got all the housework done or that the one who has been to work deserved more rest time!

Anderson2018 · 14/08/2023 17:44

Nah that’s ridiculous. My husband leaves the house at 4.30am and gets home at 6.30pm and takes over as soon as he gets home and does bed time. And at the weekend he is hands on. Sorry but you shouldn’t settle for that, no chance would I have had another 2 children in that situation.

Hollybobs1 · 14/08/2023 17:59

He needs to step up and help. He's out of order. You're supposed to work as a team. Children are extremely hard work.

When I had my baby, I did the nights Monday to Thursday as DP works Mon to Fri. On weekends we shared. He'd do the Friday night, I got a lie in on Saturday, then I did Saturday night, he got a lie in on Sunday. We shared the housework equally between us.

BeeDavis · 14/08/2023 18:06

I work 8.30-5.. funnily enough I still look after my own child. He’s chatting bollox. When our son was born my husband was working at 6am and he would still get up in the night. He’s a bastard and I can’t understand why you’ve had 3 kids with him!

Sceptre86 · 14/08/2023 18:08

Of course he is being unreasonable but the wider question is what do you intend to do about it. You've let yourself fall into a crappy situation and added kids to the mix. Love and respect go hand in hand. If he loved you he'd never watch you struggle or destroy yourself. He'd want to share the load and spend time with his kids once he stepped through the front door. You aren't getting a lie in if the kids need to go school nor are you at the weekend. When is your downtime and don't condition yourself by saying it's when two kids are at school? During that time you've likely got to keep up on appointments for your disabled child, clean, cook, do laundry and other chores. Doesn't sound like much rest time does it? Have a word with yourself, honestly is this any kind of life?

I work much less than my dh who works full time. I don't expect him to start cooking once he steps over the threshold and neither does he expect me to on my working days. I do expect him to parent though so he feeds the baby whilst I plate up for everyone and he does bedtime with the baby after loading the dishwasher. I'll clean the kitchen then get our other 2 kids to bed. It's teamwork.

Heb1996 · 14/08/2023 19:18

@SummerDuck are you for real?? And the OP might get sick of this sh!t from
her DH and divorce him! Things for her would then be considerably easier when she hasn’t got the lazy arse in her life plus she would get time off when he’s parenting his own children. Just think about it. I cannot believe the crap you are coming out with.

Sophie89j · 14/08/2023 19:49

My husband is a SAHP and I still do the early mornings as it makes sense so I’m ready for my 9-5 and I do half the nights if 15 month old wakes. Then weekends we have a lie in morning each. I also do every bedtime for baby as he doesn’t settle for dad, it’s just easier 🤷🏻‍♀️

CrazyArmadilloLady · 14/08/2023 19:57

QforCucumber · 14/08/2023 13:43

Thank you - I knew I recognised the name!

Doesn’t even have the nous to name change!