DH banging on ceiling

[anxiousatnight]

I'm a SAHM to children aged 6 and 4. I do the vast majority with the kids. DH works fairly hard in a professional role, but office hours. He doesn't get up until 8 on a weekday and has a lie in until 8:30/9:00 every weekend.

I have done all of the night wakings and can probably count the number of times DH has got up with them in the mornings on my fingers. Kids are early risers.

None of this bothers me, I'm an early bird too and don't mind too much.

However, this morning they've woken up especially early (4:20!) and have been ratty and naughty for the past two hours. It's been a bit noisy downstairs and I've raised my voice a few times.

DH has banged on the floor of the our bedroom (ceiling of sitting room where we are), obviously telling us to keep the noise down.

AIBU to feel really irritated by this? It just feels like he has no sympathy for the fact that I've had to deal with this shit since the early hours and all that's important is his precious sleep. Most mornings are fairly smooth, this one is an exception.

Thank you for all of the responses. I'm feeling sad about the situation but it has been good to be able to vent.

I wish telling them to go back to sleep had worked. Often it does, but today it just wasn't happening. If you are one of the posters lucky enough to have children that do as they're told every single time, I genuinely say hats off to you. However I suspect I am in the majority when I say that my children often do as they're told, but not always. This was one of the latter times.

I think back to work is the only answer.

I’m with your DP? You can have a nap in the day, he can’t.

I bet my life that she won’t be napping in the day! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

You would bang on the ceiling if your husband was struggling with the kids downstairs. I think that says all I need to know about your marriage.

If one or both of the children were sick yes we would have helped each other, one or both children feeling like having a party in the middle of the night one of us would have told them to go back to sleep or be quiet in their room, it would not have taken two adults to do this

OP has explained that the kids wouldn’t settle this morning. She took them downstairs hoping they would be quiet, because her husband is an arse. If you’re children always do as they’re told, great, but most of us have days where they don’t. You sound clueless and unrealistic about what young kids are like.

•your

Sounds like you need to go back to work OP because when this relationship breaks down - which it will because frankly your husband is a cunt and eventually you will be ground down enough to no longer put up with the misogyny and disrespect - then he will try to royally fuck you over financially.

this is a man who has never given the mother of his kids a lie in, barely ever got up to do a night feed, has a lie in every week end and has the AUDACITY to bang on the floor because the kids are up and running your ragged before 5am. All because he gets up and goes to an office for 40 hours a week - big fucking whoop.

Your kids are young but imagine this in 5 years, is this what you want to demonstrate to them? That the men can opt out of any grunt work because they have a skivvy wife?

SAHM doesn’t mean you are on call 24/7. It means during the hours of 9-5 you do the childcare and run the house. During non working hours it needs to be 50/50

She's got a 4 year old and 6 year old. She's not napping today.

Agree completely with@StorminanDcup

Your dh is an arse but agree with others, your dc didn't get up at 4.20, they woke during the night and you rewarded them by putting the telly on. Just leave them in their rooms, stairgate if they tend to run about. No noise, no lights and tell them shush. If they don't then no treats or telly all the next day until they realise it isn't fun to get up in the middle of the night

As for your dh he clearly needs to pull his weight more so take turns on weekends with who gets them up.

I'm furious for you OP! I would have banged the ceiling right back, or more likely gone upstairs and made sure he knew his behaviour was disgusting and it was time for him to get up.

The fact you even asked here suggests you've become accepting of putting his wants and needs far above your own. He works office hours and has it cushy, he does not deserve the hero treatment.

I wouldn't be too quick to return to work if this arrangement otherwise works for everyone. First priority should be giving your husband a reality check on how much you do for the family, he needs to appreciate you before he will show respect. I'd suggest leaving him alone with the kids on a regular basis and splitting the wake ups at the weekend. When he protests because he's the one with the important job and works so hard blah blah blah, remind him that playing wifey/maid duties will be no struggle to him as it's just skivy work and not worthy of any respect. Also point out that if you do go back to work, he will be required to do drop offs/pick ups on xyz days and provide wraparound care, he doesn't just get to keep leaving it all to you to manage.

Respect yourself OP

Yes, that would be me as well.

I'd have been straight up those stairs and told him bluntly that if he can do better then fill you boots!!! Then gone out for a quiet coffee somewhere.
Honestly though, you've said there are other instances of him not respecting you, so I think you really need to think about what you want going forward. I can't believe that he gets to sleep in both days at the weekend too!
Oh and to the pp who said you can nap during the day, well words fail me!!! Who exactly is going to be supervising a 4 yr old and a 6 yr during that golden nap?!!!! 😆

Stairgate? What are they supposed to do when they need the loo?

Sorry you’ve had a rough morning op. My ex believed that me asking (sometimes begging him) to get up with the children early on the weekend was unfair as he worked. A bit more extreme in my case, our second is quite severely autistic and spent years only sleeping 3/4 hours a night every night. Yet he still saw all the shit/hard aspects of parenting as ‘my’ job simply because he worked, didn’t mind I was going mad from monotony and lack of sleep. The idea of napping during the day was an absolute joke as well (oh he’d certainly let me go to bed but the kids would be screaming and jumping on me within 10 minutes). I left him.

So now a minimum 4 mornings a month, he has no choice but to get up when they do and I get to sleep in to my hearts content for the first time in 8 years. It’s bliss for the little that it is.

If I heard a banging on the ceiling I'd be marching straight up the stairs and telling him to piss off or get up and bloody help me! How bloody rude.

4.20 is ridiculously early to get up though and I think id have not allowed them to go downstairs and watch TV as it will just make them think they can do it again. Even an hour later would be better but that's so early it's bordering on night time ! I feel for you op

This. Otherwise the disrespect he feels for you will permeate ever area of your relationship, if it hasn’t already.

He's hideous. Disrespectful, rude and nasty,

Getting back to work and out from under eye whims of this man child is essential

Dirty dishes can go in his briefcase. That drives me mad. Stop being his maid. He can do his own cooking, laundry, etc. Gather all his dirty laundry in a bin bag and put it in his cupboard. I bet he leaves that for you too. See how long it takes before he notices you’re human.

Some people on here are just ridiculous. Not all children are equally biddable. My younger son would have just climbed over a stairgate and depriving him of things the next day wouldn't have any impact.

They love to think it's down to their brilliant parenting rather than just good luck.

I also think OP though that if you're working as a team, children are more likely to listen. The fact that your husband abdicates responsibility and treats you with disrespect doesn't help at all. I really feel for you. I had that kind of husband and I really resent him about it still. He wouldn't just do the weekend stints. He just wouldn't whatever I said. And tbh I was just worn down by it all and didn't have anyone giving me good advice.

You've had excellent advice on here (and some useless ones as well) and getting a job and becoming more financially independent is an excellent start. Use some of your earnings to get some good quality counselling too!

He was a bit of an arse but you are martyring yourself OP.

'All the night wakings' either you are carrying resentment from several years ago or sleep is another issue in your house which needs addressing. Getting up that early is nuts. Worst case I'd have got in the four year old's bed with them until they were settled..

It does sound like you do everything for the kids but they are not babies and (other than holidays) the eldest at least must be in school.

Do you really have no time for yourself at any point? If that's the case then I think you need to look at what you are doing and how essential all of it is, because something will have to give if you go back to work.

Sorry that sounds like a dig, it isn't meant that way, just that you seem to be in a rut of running around after children who have grown and should be capable of entertaining themselves for periods without you and a man baby. You do have the power to change this even without going back to work.

When you are tired it is hard to see that doing things in the way that has worked before isn't the answer as they grow.

This. They are old enough to have some discipline around staying in bed / their rooms until a certain time, either sleeping or playing quietly

I'd say to the kids "oh no, I think daddy must have fallen out of the bed. Go and check on him!"

What planet are you on

My DH did this once.
I sent DD up with her toy trumpet. She stood on the bed over him, playing it in his ear.
When he came down and went to moan I said "welcome to my world every single day whilst you lay on your arse".

He took turns after that.

I don’t think a 6 year old would have much trouble opening a stairgate 😁