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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH banging on ceiling

350 replies

anxiousatnight · 14/08/2023 06:12

I'm a SAHM to children aged 6 and 4. I do the vast majority with the kids. DH works fairly hard in a professional role, but office hours. He doesn't get up until 8 on a weekday and has a lie in until 8:30/9:00 every weekend.

I have done all of the night wakings and can probably count the number of times DH has got up with them in the mornings on my fingers. Kids are early risers.

None of this bothers me, I'm an early bird too and don't mind too much.

However, this morning they've woken up especially early (4:20!) and have been ratty and naughty for the past two hours. It's been a bit noisy downstairs and I've raised my voice a few times.

DH has banged on the floor of the our bedroom (ceiling of sitting room where we are), obviously telling us to keep the noise down.

AIBU to feel really irritated by this? It just feels like he has no sympathy for the fact that I've had to deal with this shit since the early hours and all that's important is his precious sleep. Most mornings are fairly smooth, this one is an exception.

OP posts:
Abouttimemum · 15/08/2023 18:39

Ugh yet another bloke thinking he doesn’t have to parent. What a fucking twat.

I couldn’t live in this situation.

SamSoSer · 15/08/2023 18:46

Really, don't you dare explain yourself to people who think that banging on the floor is acceptable. If he's awake enough to thump on the floor then he can get up and help you.
I'd be more sympathetic you'd said he was normally helpful and had shared the night waking but you say he hasnt.
How have you put up with such selfishness.
Ugh.... What a baby he is.

Janus · 15/08/2023 18:50

I’ve been a SAHM to 4 children, my husband runs his own business and works abroad a lot. I have BF them all so have done the majority of night feeds unless I managed to pump some off but often this was more effort than getting up. However, every single weekend when they were little one day I had a lie in the next day he had a lie in, not massive but until about 8.30/9.00. It was only fair, I needed to catch up on missed sleep. I suggest you put this as the plan going forward. You can even bang on the floor when they are being noisy and see how he likes it!! Honestly this is not a fair or respectful arrangement you have going.

grumpycow1 · 15/08/2023 18:59

He seriously doesn’t respect you and I couldn’t live like that. Not sure what the answer is but I don’t think I could be with him if he treated me like that even rarely. Like you’re the hired help FFS (and even if you were staff it would still be rude). What a horrid person.

SarahJane796 · 15/08/2023 19:08

From reading all the previous messages I can see whose side mumsnet is on, however if he has ‘allowed’ you to do all the parenting then you have ‘allowed’ him to do all the paid work. He has no choice in his day to day activities. If it’s been a hard start to the day then at least you can do a bit of self care and chill out for the day - let them watch tv for an hour or so. And presumably the six year old goes to school most of the time. He has to go to work and do whatever is planned.
I would agree that banging on the floor is not good form at all though. And weekends should both be hands on.

NickyT64 · 15/08/2023 19:26

anxiousatnight · 14/08/2023 06:12

I'm a SAHM to children aged 6 and 4. I do the vast majority with the kids. DH works fairly hard in a professional role, but office hours. He doesn't get up until 8 on a weekday and has a lie in until 8:30/9:00 every weekend.

I have done all of the night wakings and can probably count the number of times DH has got up with them in the mornings on my fingers. Kids are early risers.

None of this bothers me, I'm an early bird too and don't mind too much.

However, this morning they've woken up especially early (4:20!) and have been ratty and naughty for the past two hours. It's been a bit noisy downstairs and I've raised my voice a few times.

DH has banged on the floor of the our bedroom (ceiling of sitting room where we are), obviously telling us to keep the noise down.

AIBU to feel really irritated by this? It just feels like he has no sympathy for the fact that I've had to deal with this shit since the early hours and all that's important is his precious sleep. Most mornings are fairly smooth, this one is an exception.

Sorry, I’ve just noticed that you’re his wife, I assumed you were the housekeeper or au pair the way he’s behaving (not that it would be acceptable behaviour there either).
I literally can not believe it. I suggest you show him a selection of MN’s responses.
ps- no way would a text be acceptable either

Roxy69 · 15/08/2023 19:37

Flakey99 · 14/08/2023 08:38

Going back to work isn’t a solution to your current problems.

It will just make everything ten times worse for YOU as you’ll still be expected to do everything ant home and be the one taking time off work when they’re sick/on school holidays etc.

Learning to communicate with your DH better will drastically change your life.

At the moment, it’s all passive agressive nonsense between you. Yes, he definitely needs to step up and share the parenting burden more fairly but first you need to stop playing the martyr. He’s not magically going to change his ways because you have the odd strop. Men need clear instructions, not hints.

Spend today working out what he could do to make things better for all of you. Then when the children are in bed, set out your position calmly. Explain why the current system of parenting is no longer working for you and what needs to change. (Lie-ins 50/50 for a start!) Admit you thought you could do it all but you’ve realised that it’s just not working.

Good luck!

This is great advice. After all this must have been growing for at least 6 years, you can't suddenly have a monumental strop and expect him to know what's going on. Be calm. Be sure of what you want to come out if this and don't take any more nonsense.

linsey2581 · 15/08/2023 20:00

I’m sorry but if the kids were up and making a racket at 4.30 in the morning I would be banging on the floor too! 4.30am I would be telling them to get back to bed pronto!

porridgeisbae · 15/08/2023 20:06

I would be well annoyed @anxiousatnight . It'd be annoying even if it were a neighbour upstairs that you didn't know.

Worse still as it's your husband.

Jeannie88 · 15/08/2023 20:07

The nightmare of modern life wfh. It's your home not an office and with kids being their usual vocal selves of course problems are going to arise. I remember those days, DH wfh and DC toddler age, bloody pain in the arse. Yes we take them out a lot but do need to be at home as well. My work has always meant going out of the house and leaving extra early, which was actually easier to just get myself sorted and go, ba boom 💥

FootieMama · 15/08/2023 20:14

I'd leave him with them every Saturday morning from now on. Join a relaxing class at the gym your pilates or go shoping whatever makes you happy. Be out of the house every Saturday morning. Let him.see how easy it is. And yes think about finding a job. He doesn't respect you as an equal partner

Nannyprosecco · 15/08/2023 20:20

This was the norm for me, even though I was the main earner.
I done everything, I've never even had so much as a boiled egg served up.

Children have flown (apart from the obvious one) and I feel like such a, make fo with lonely fool.

See it, sort it, shove it!

zombie0037 · 15/08/2023 20:24

Why doesn't the SAHM get a full time job, instead of whinging about it, and stop relying on husband to fund the family, he's entitled to have ly in, when he earning all the money to fund the family and pay for the roof over head.

Icantfindmykeys · 15/08/2023 20:40

He can fuck right off! Next time let them carry on you “fall asleep on the sofa”.

Yourcatisnotsorry · 15/08/2023 20:45

I think it’s rude to bang on the ceiling. In that situation I would shout downstairs or call and say do you mind keeping it down. I wouldn’t get out of bed because I’d never get back to sleep and I don’t think it helps to have 2 people to have less sleep than needed. Especially because you can have a chilled day with lots of TV and or naps and he’s got a full day of work.

I also don’t think it’s bad that you did most of the night feeds, again if you are breastfeeding why bother him and if you’re on Mat leave you can rest more in the day. Depends on how your babies slept though and if you didn’t breastfeed or he took parental leave etc. As you don’t work and have 2 school aged kids I think it’s fair that you do most of the kid stuff/housework. However that shouldn’t mean he does nothing and I think you should take it in turns on a weekend to get a lie in.

I think everyone calling him names are a bit ludicrous, working full time and providing for you all is important. Just as your taking care of the kids and house is important. You are a team and not everyone wants to work full time.

Pres11 · 15/08/2023 20:58

He is hugely disrespectful. I’m sorry be did this. Your morning was already hard without that!!!

Nanny0gg · 15/08/2023 21:05

YerArseInParsley · 14/08/2023 16:00

You need to grow a pair and get your husband told his behaviour is unacceptable. You also need to tell him he's to do his bit in the evenings and contribute to family life at the weekends. No more sleeping in or you take it in turns, you get to sleep later on Saturday whilst he's taking care of the kids and he gets to sleep in on Sunday or vice versa.

I think it's already been asked why u let the kids go downstairs at that time? that's still the middle of the night.

Why aren't u sending them back to their rooms? It would be wise to establish boundaries for the kids. They don't come out their rooms until maybe 7am. If they are awake they read a book or whatever but they do not go into each others rooms or downstairs. Reinforce this with consequences if they don't stick to the rules.

OFFS!!

Nanny0gg · 15/08/2023 21:06

linsey2581 · 15/08/2023 20:00

I’m sorry but if the kids were up and making a racket at 4.30 in the morning I would be banging on the floor too! 4.30am I would be telling them to get back to bed pronto!

Can't believe the OP didn't think of that...

Oh. Wait.

working4ever · 15/08/2023 21:40

No the work thing isn't necessarily the answer. I am the sole working parent with a sahp. Guess what - I'm the one who gets up whenever during the night, gets no lie in and does all the breakfasts, school runs etc sometimes (like today) on 5 hours sleep just and often less, plus various other chores. Lying awake whilst the sahp parent plays music loudly at 1 in the morning and can't be arsed to get up at 8 in the morning yet I have to go to work. What you need is a decent co-parent. We are supposed to have partners and split everything fairly aren't we? I'm working on the step up or I'm shipping out with a counsellor right now with little steps. Good luck.

PeachyPeachTrees · 15/08/2023 21:44

He's annoyed that he can't sleep uninterrupted but doesn't care that you are up at the crack of dawn with the kids and probably exhausted. It's bad enough if this was a neighbour, but these are his kids ffs! When do you get a lie in?

GoodChat · 15/08/2023 21:59

zombie0037 · 15/08/2023 20:24

Why doesn't the SAHM get a full time job, instead of whinging about it, and stop relying on husband to fund the family, he's entitled to have ly in, when he earning all the money to fund the family and pay for the roof over head.

You're a zombie, right, so did you die in the 40s and come back to the modern day with the same views?

GoodChat · 15/08/2023 22:00

linsey2581 · 15/08/2023 20:00

I’m sorry but if the kids were up and making a racket at 4.30 in the morning I would be banging on the floor too! 4.30am I would be telling them to get back to bed pronto!

Cancel the cheque.

TrishM80 · 15/08/2023 22:26

Nanny0gg · 15/08/2023 21:06

Can't believe the OP didn't think of that...

Oh. Wait.

Show quote history

She's obviously not assertive enough with her kids and lets them walk all over her. If my 4 & 6 y/o "insisted" on getting up at 4.30am, they'd be sent back to bed right quick with a flea in their ear.

They're 4 and 6, not toddlers.

Lovely13 · 15/08/2023 23:16

Tell the kids, daddy wants a big surprise and to cuddle up with him. Find yourself a sofa, blanket and eye mask and let him deal with it.

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