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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH banging on ceiling

350 replies

anxiousatnight · 14/08/2023 06:12

I'm a SAHM to children aged 6 and 4. I do the vast majority with the kids. DH works fairly hard in a professional role, but office hours. He doesn't get up until 8 on a weekday and has a lie in until 8:30/9:00 every weekend.

I have done all of the night wakings and can probably count the number of times DH has got up with them in the mornings on my fingers. Kids are early risers.

None of this bothers me, I'm an early bird too and don't mind too much.

However, this morning they've woken up especially early (4:20!) and have been ratty and naughty for the past two hours. It's been a bit noisy downstairs and I've raised my voice a few times.

DH has banged on the floor of the our bedroom (ceiling of sitting room where we are), obviously telling us to keep the noise down.

AIBU to feel really irritated by this? It just feels like he has no sympathy for the fact that I've had to deal with this shit since the early hours and all that's important is his precious sleep. Most mornings are fairly smooth, this one is an exception.

OP posts:
Original poster
anxiousatnight · 14/08/2023 07:19

Maybe it is time to go back to work. I think we'll have that conversation tonight.

It's annoying because I do like being at home with them, I think I'm quite well suited to being a SAHM and this arrangement does work for us logistically, but over and above everything else, I can't have them growing up thinking that this is an ok way to treat people.

OP posts:
Gh12345 · 14/08/2023 07:19

if my husband did that, I’d probably be up the stairs ready to scream at him. He is ridiculous

Gh12345 · 14/08/2023 07:20

Remaker · 14/08/2023 06:40

One bang on the floor and I’d be up those ducking stairs so fast and give him a bollocking that would most certainly wake him up. What an arsehole.

I was a SAHM until my kids were 6 & 7 and we shared the early morning wake-ups and weekend sleep-ins.

Me too! I’d go mad

PimpMyFridge · 14/08/2023 07:21

HolidaysShouldNotEnd · 14/08/2023 06:25

This has made me really angry. In my house, the other parent would go down to see what was going on, and help sort things out. And suggest that the one who had been up since 4 go back to bed for a bit.

Exactly.
Your DH did none if that and was an utter shit.
He'd have had done interesting feedback if he'd pulled that little number on me.

Couldyounot · 14/08/2023 07:21

Your husband is a wanker

ClimbingThroughTheWindow · 14/08/2023 07:22

The op chose to get up and take them downstairs and then they were noisy, that was the OP's choice

Same if my husband chose to get up with our child in the middle of the night and was noisy I would have acted as the OP's husband did

Shd said it’s been a bad day so presumably the usual plan didn’t go to plan. Not really a choice, by the sounds of it. With a husband like that, she clearly had to keep the kids quiet whilst man sleeps.

andmslwp · 14/08/2023 07:23

Makes no sense to me that you have even entertained the idea of them getting up so early. They're 4 and 6, not 2! If I was your DH I'd be pissed off having all that noise under where I was sleeping from that early when they shouldn't have been up at that time.

Your DH issue is a separate thing, his attitude towards the kids doesn't sound great.

Original poster
anxiousatnight · 14/08/2023 07:25

ClimbingThroughTheWindow · 14/08/2023 07:22

The op chose to get up and take them downstairs and then they were noisy, that was the OP's choice

Same if my husband chose to get up with our child in the middle of the night and was noisy I would have acted as the OP's husband did

Shd said it’s been a bad day so presumably the usual plan didn’t go to plan. Not really a choice, by the sounds of it. With a husband like that, she clearly had to keep the kids quiet whilst man sleeps.

Quite, they were in each others bedroom marking noise anyway. I told them to go back to bed, that didn't work, so I took them downstairs to watch telly hoping they would stay quiet. None of it went to plan, usually the mornings are ok but this one has just been rubbish.

OP posts:
spitefulandbadgrammar · 14/08/2023 07:25

andmslwp · 14/08/2023 07:23

Makes no sense to me that you have even entertained the idea of them getting up so early. They're 4 and 6, not 2! If I was your DH I'd be pissed off having all that noise under where I was sleeping from that early when they shouldn't have been up at that time.

Your DH issue is a separate thing, his attitude towards the kids doesn't sound great.

She didn’t get them up. They were up. Presumably after battling them she got them downstairs on the basis that that would spare her useless husband the noise. Otherwise he’d have been banging on the wall rather than the floor.

gamerchick · 14/08/2023 07:26

anxiousatnight · 14/08/2023 07:19

Maybe it is time to go back to work. I think we'll have that conversation tonight.

It's annoying because I do like being at home with them, I think I'm quite well suited to being a SAHM and this arrangement does work for us logistically, but over and above everything else, I can't have them growing up thinking that this is an ok way to treat people.

Good for you. Time he pitched in with the parenting and not take life for granted.

Clefable · 14/08/2023 07:27

Horrible! If I ever have a bad night with the kids a) DH is usually up helping as they're his kids too and b) if not, I'll hand them over super early and go back to bed and he'll keep them until he starts work (and he will use flexi time to keep them longer if I'm really knackered). If he had the temerity to bang on the ceiling about the noise when I'm managing two kids who have been up since the early hours then I don't know what I'd do. Storm up there with both of them, pull the duvet off, and leave them all to it. Cheeky fucker.

And he can fuck off with his morning lie ins every weekend.

ThePoetsWife · 14/08/2023 07:28

anxiousatnight · 14/08/2023 07:19

Maybe it is time to go back to work. I think we'll have that conversation tonight.

It's annoying because I do like being at home with them, I think I'm quite well suited to being a SAHM and this arrangement does work for us logistically, but over and above everything else, I can't have them growing up thinking that this is an ok way to treat people.

But it's not working for the kids though.

He's checked out and they're missing out.

They're growing up normalising this situation and your marriage.

HorsePlatitudes · 14/08/2023 07:28

I’d be pretty pissed off.
in those years I always took them out for a walk often at 5am.

BUT the banging on the floor is pretty shit,
id be making sure that didn’t happen ever again!

Venturini · 14/08/2023 07:29

ClimbingThroughTheWindow · 14/08/2023 06:38

That's not my AIBU. My AIBU is whether my DH is being unfair in responding that way to the exceptionally crappy morning I'm dealing with.

Of course he’s being unfair. He’s being an utter cunt. And the fact you’re having to ask shows quite how crap he treats you.

☝️

WannaBeRecluse · 14/08/2023 07:32

Not great of your DH but 6 and 4 is old enough to be told it's not morning yet, go back to bed and let Mum sleep.

Original poster
anxiousatnight · 14/08/2023 07:34

I think the work thing is the answer. There are other things he does/doesn't do that show the level of respect he has for me. It's small things, like leaving dirty dishes on the worktop instead of putting them in the dishwasher, but it shows how little he values me.

OP posts:
Original poster
anxiousatnight · 14/08/2023 07:36

Namechangeforthis88 · 14/08/2023 07:16

He doesn't rate what you do with the children as work, and yet somehow he wouldn't do it himself.

It's an easy life when you're doing it and he's the big important man doing the important stuff. If it's not real work, fab, he can take over at the weekend.

What an arse.

I think you've hit the nail on the head. If I've got it so easy, why can't he do some of it?

OP posts:
anyolddinosaur · 14/08/2023 07:37

If this was a one off when someone had been woken and was grumpy it would have been rude but forgivable. From someone who has a lie in every weekend this is not acceptable.

Starting this weekend it is time to ensure you get a lie in on at least one day of the weekend, both days if you have had other shitty days like this one.

Tell him this is because you are planning to return to work and he needs to take a more active role in the children's lives.

HolidaysShouldNotEnd · 14/08/2023 07:37

WandaWonder · 14/08/2023 07:17

The op chose to get up and take them downstairs and then they were noisy, that was the OP's choice

Same if my husband chose to get up with our child in the middle of the night and was noisy I would have acted as the OP's husband did

Show quote history

You wouldn’t have got up to see what the issue was and help your partner? Maybe OP had tried to manage the situation upstairs and was getting nowhere.

MN makes me grateful for my marriage. We are a proper team and respect and support each other.

TickTickTock · 14/08/2023 07:38

Sending lots of love and restful vibes to you OP. I've been in this situation before. Ignore the Perfect Mum Brigade claiming their little cherubs would play silently until a reasonable hour (ha!). Sometimes they just can't/won't and the best thing for everyone's sanity is to get up. I'd have much more chance of keeping mine quiet in front of the TV at that age. And as for "you can all have a nap later", yeah right!!
Hope you can have a reasonable conversation with your DH and explain why his actions were so disrespectful. Glad you have been able to vent on here too x

HolidaysShouldNotEnd · 14/08/2023 07:39

anxiousatnight · 14/08/2023 07:34

I think the work thing is the answer. There are other things he does/doesn't do that show the level of respect he has for me. It's small things, like leaving dirty dishes on the worktop instead of putting them in the dishwasher, but it shows how little he values me.

I cannot bear that so many mothers on MN are seen as unpaid slaves to literally pick up after the men. It makes my stomach turn.

It sounds like going to work is the only thing that might change the dynamic. But your husband does not sound like a decent respectful person, so bear in mind that it might be too late for him to change.

crossstitchingnana · 14/08/2023 07:40

illiterato · 14/08/2023 06:17

Yes he’s being a twat but also they’re 6&4. Why are you letting them get up at 4:20, assuming NT? Tell them to read in bed or go back to sleep. I get it with toddlers but by school age they’re old enough to understand it’s too early to get up.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

KTSl1964 · 14/08/2023 07:44

Hi op sorry it’s been crap this morning. Hopefully they will tire for a bit later and you can rest a bit.
Will he step up though when you go back to work or is it his core belief that it’s womens work.
I can start to resent how my ex treated me when my son was small. He couldn’t cope with him crying in the night as I was trying to get him off a bottle of milk so I carried on giving him milk and I was sleep deprived.
Does he do any household chores. What would happen if he got no dinner tonight or beans on toast - something easy.
Do you go out to see friends or has he given you the message he can’t cope with two children? If so you must go out - you need a social life.
You are not the help - your his wife.
You work all week - has he been left for a weekend to see what it’s like.
you need to let him see how hard it is.
Good luck.

WandaWonder · 14/08/2023 07:45

HolidaysShouldNotEnd · 14/08/2023 07:37

You wouldn’t have got up to see what the issue was and help your partner? Maybe OP had tried to manage the situation upstairs and was getting nowhere.

MN makes me grateful for my marriage. We are a proper team and respect and support each other.

Show quote history

If one or both of the children were sick yes we would have helped each other, one or both children feeling like having a party in the middle of the night one of us would have told them to go back to sleep or be quiet in their room, it would not have taken two adults to do this

My husband and I help each other when needed but we are not martyrs to our child

orangegato · 14/08/2023 07:46

I’m with your DP? You can have a nap in the day, he can’t.