DH banging on ceiling

[anxiousatnight]

I'm a SAHM to children aged 6 and 4. I do the vast majority with the kids. DH works fairly hard in a professional role, but office hours. He doesn't get up until 8 on a weekday and has a lie in until 8:30/9:00 every weekend.

I have done all of the night wakings and can probably count the number of times DH has got up with them in the mornings on my fingers. Kids are early risers.

None of this bothers me, I'm an early bird too and don't mind too much.

However, this morning they've woken up especially early (4:20!) and have been ratty and naughty for the past two hours. It's been a bit noisy downstairs and I've raised my voice a few times.

DH has banged on the floor of the our bedroom (ceiling of sitting room where we are), obviously telling us to keep the noise down.

AIBU to feel really irritated by this? It just feels like he has no sympathy for the fact that I've had to deal with this shit since the early hours and all that's important is his precious sleep. Most mornings are fairly smooth, this one is an exception.

I've worked in a high pressured job with chronic sleep deprivation and also been a sahm with sleep deprivation and it is much easier managing the shopping, kids activities etc whilst feeling crap than it is trying to function and be competent at work on 3hrs sleep. Not a competition just a fact.

See, I completely disagree. I find it much easier being at work than being home all day with energetic kids on little sleep. I think it varies from person to person.

So many perfect parents on here!

Op, glad you realise that this is a symptom of a bigger problem that you have with your DH. Good luck in addressing it. I think that it will be difficult.

@JFDIYOLO, he is working office hours., not shift work, no weekends.

Lots of men share the load with sahm's.

He doesn't EVER get up with HIS children.

NOT normal or acceptable IMO.

Same @GoodChat - I've been both and sleep deprivation with a job is easier than SAHM for me.

Why can’t her DH do some good old fashioned parenting?

@Janiie

I do respect the fact that he needs his sleep in order to do his professional job, which is why I've always done the night wakings when they were babies, I'm always the one to come down with them in the morning and i don't argue about him having a lie in at the weekend. The very reason I took them downstairs is because I thought sticking the telly on would keep them quiet.

I don't think the way he reacted to one of the rare occasions that things didn't go to plan and I wasn't able to keep them quiet enough for him to sleep is fair though?

I'm a lawyer. Soooo much easier practicing law, from a desk, with a hot cup of coffee when short on sleep than the relentless wrangling of toddlers.

It also sounds like he gets a healthy amount of sleep overall (normally waking up at 8am and getting lie ins beyond that on the weekend), so one day of being awoken at 4:30 was hardly going to make his brain snap in two.

Women return to work and cope with far less sleep. He's being selfish and ridiculous.

Your dh is working that is his role today yours is long after the dc so you should keep them quiet, it doesn't take two adults to look after them. Go for a nap when he gets home from work or put you dc down for nap/quit time this afternoon.

Anyway, I have told him how it made me feel and he has apologised. We're going to have a chat about the arrangements tonight.

In the meantime, I will email my previous boss who I am on good terms with and let them know that I am potentially available for work. They have a fairly high staff turnover so are always on the lookout for people, and bringing someone back who knows the ropes and knows the clients is easier than bringing someone new in.

Your husband is a nasty, disrespectful twat. What are you going to do about it? Going back to work won’t make him any more helpful or kind, but it will make it easier for you if you split up in the future.

It sounds like your children don’t respect you much either. At 6 and 4 your DC are old enough to understand that they shouldn’t get up at 4.20. My DC would have been told off for disturbing my sleep and put back to bed. If they continued to be naughty they’d have been punished for it.

He's not a lawyer, but it's a similar sort of role.

You've hit the nail on the head too, I feel that overall he is quite spoilt for sleep so he should have the reserves to deal with the occasional very early morning.

So his role is 8 hours and hers is 18? That doesn't seem fair somehow.

You are still sounding a bit apologetic about this- dont be tonight. You work hard at home and dont get a break and he needs to recognise that. Ever left him alone for a whole day with the children and a list of jobs like doing a wash? Does he ever cook you a meal?

Clearly both of you place more value on paid employment so back to work and hire some help in the house if you need it.

Oh it's more stimulating and less tedious than being at home with kids who get up in the middle of the night, but regarding sleep deprivation it is physically easier at home.

Doesn't matter if you forget the bread when you go shopping as you're so knackered whereas being incompetent and forgetting stuff at work will obviously cause problems. Again I've done both so I'm not judging.

Go back to work and share child care and housework
he won't do his half then you can decide where that leaves you

Well done OP.

That he is a parent that NEVER has had his sleep disrupted is unbelievable and IMO the dynamic is very messed up.

The level of selfishness involved to NEVER think you might like a sleep in is off the scale selfish.

OP, I mean it kindly, but think you need to look at your self esteem, that you have tolerated this.

Read up on the "boiled frog analogy".

Let this incident be the start of a more even division.

Something tells me you will get push back from him.

He has had a completely unrealistic run as a parent.

Did you miss the part where I said the op should take a nap when her dh returns from work? Of course her dh should take over /share the parenting at that point.

@NewNovember when does the role of SAHM stop, doesn’t have set working hours? They are both parents, they were both in the house, they are both responsible for the children

Have the posters suggesting stairgates and telling op she can have an afternoon nap ever seen a 4 or 6 year old?

4.20am is not just an early morning though is it? It's the middle of the night! You got them up at that time and let them play noisily downstairs for two hours- by which time it's still only 6.20am! Even as a one-off that's crackers. At age 6 and 4 they are old enough to be told that they are not getting up and to go back to sleep!

Not a fact. I’ve done both and found the opposite - I can work brilliantly on v little sleep, but I am less effective as a parent. We’re all different - that is a fact.

I really don't understand these responses. How can she possibly nap in the day while looking after 2 small people? would YOU be able to?

But he should also be parenting at 4.20am too. He’s not working then; nights are no more OP’s role than his, it should be equal. And it’s far easier to wrangle children back to bed if one parent takes one child each: divide and conquer, keep the kids separate so they don’t rile each other up. If he’d just got up and done his part of the night waking he could have gone back to bed, everyone could have gone back to bed, without the banging on the floor or anything else.

Does he not repulse you? What a complete deadbeat. I wouldn’t stand for some bloke disrespecting me in a myriad of ways every day. If you divorced him he’d have to parent the kids he made and you could get free time and enjoy life. Plus your kids wouldn’t be made to live full time with a man who openly isn’t interested in them.

Regardless if OP let the kids get up that early is not the issue, sometimes kids do that. Your DH isn’t giving you a break or doing his duty as a dad and it’s not fair! Have you spoken to him about this OP?

My DH and I take turns getting up with our DC, they wake up between 6 and 7 am. We do one day on one day off, that means we both get a lie in every other day (we both dont start work till later and WFH) and both get a lie in on the weekend, works for us and is very fair, could be a good compromise?