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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH banging on ceiling

350 replies

anxiousatnight · 14/08/2023 06:12

I'm a SAHM to children aged 6 and 4. I do the vast majority with the kids. DH works fairly hard in a professional role, but office hours. He doesn't get up until 8 on a weekday and has a lie in until 8:30/9:00 every weekend.

I have done all of the night wakings and can probably count the number of times DH has got up with them in the mornings on my fingers. Kids are early risers.

None of this bothers me, I'm an early bird too and don't mind too much.

However, this morning they've woken up especially early (4:20!) and have been ratty and naughty for the past two hours. It's been a bit noisy downstairs and I've raised my voice a few times.

DH has banged on the floor of the our bedroom (ceiling of sitting room where we are), obviously telling us to keep the noise down.

AIBU to feel really irritated by this? It just feels like he has no sympathy for the fact that I've had to deal with this shit since the early hours and all that's important is his precious sleep. Most mornings are fairly smooth, this one is an exception.

OP posts:
CountessWindyBottom · 14/08/2023 17:19

Your husband is behaving like an entitled arse and seems to have left very clear parameters re household roles. I've also been a SAHM and both my husband and I got one morning each on the weekend to lay on in bed, without disturbance, for as long as we wished. It was bliss and managed to recharge us for the week ahead. He can't just decide to get up when he chooses. You should both be in this 50/50.

toobusymummy · 14/08/2023 17:53

big hug, sounds like you had a horrid morning - we've all had them sadly! rhetorical question but is this a one-off from your DH or is this the type of thing he does regularly? that matters because we're all allowed an off-day or to do something that when we think about it we're probably a bit embarrassed about and would do it differently - in which case just chalk it up to a bad day all round and don't give yourselves or each other a hard time about it. And if its more than that, or you're regularly feeling resentful and unsupported, well that's a completely different conversation. xx

Tinybrother · 14/08/2023 17:59

Janiie · 14/08/2023 16:22

'you think it’s acceptable to bang on the ceiling?'

No, but neither is acceptable to be up watching TV with kids being noisy at 4.20am.

The pair of them need to sit down, have a chat and do better.

haha it’s only just dawned on you that you’ve spent the whole thread excusing his poor behaviour

LittleBearPad · 14/08/2023 19:14

Parker231 · 14/08/2023 16:31

Your DH is going to get a shock when you’re back at work - adjusting his working day to do his share of school drop offs and collecting. Time off work at short notice if one of the DC’s is ill, annual leave used up to cover school holidays, cooking when he gets home from work whilst making sure the laundry is up to date, keeping on top of school activities, party invites (including buying the present), replacing grown out of school uniform and shoes.

Show quote history

If OP goes back flexibly then nothing will change. Her job will always be second best - her ‘little hobby’.

G5000 · 14/08/2023 20:09

Parker231 · 14/08/2023 16:31

Your DH is going to get a shock when you’re back at work - adjusting his working day to do his share of school drop offs and collecting. Time off work at short notice if one of the DC’s is ill, annual leave used up to cover school holidays, cooking when he gets home from work whilst making sure the laundry is up to date, keeping on top of school activities, party invites (including buying the present), replacing grown out of school uniform and shoes.

Show quote history

I think we all know what the chances of this actually happening are...

MmeSimone · 14/08/2023 21:49

GoodChat · 14/08/2023 14:44

Financing her lifestyle? What lifestyle? She hasn't had a lie in in 6 bloody years.

Show quote history

In days like these it's a privilege to be in a financial position allowing you to stay at home with your kids. There are a lot of working and single mums who do everything she does plus hold down a full time job. I was raised by a working mum and I work myself and I honestly have no patience for SAHMs whining about having to look after their kids. Plus, it's 4.20 AM they are 3 and 6 why the heck does she enable the kids by going down to play with them loudly? He was probably tired and super mad and I totally get it.

Guiltridden12345 · 14/08/2023 22:22

anxiousatnight · 14/08/2023 06:12

I'm a SAHM to children aged 6 and 4. I do the vast majority with the kids. DH works fairly hard in a professional role, but office hours. He doesn't get up until 8 on a weekday and has a lie in until 8:30/9:00 every weekend.

I have done all of the night wakings and can probably count the number of times DH has got up with them in the mornings on my fingers. Kids are early risers.

None of this bothers me, I'm an early bird too and don't mind too much.

However, this morning they've woken up especially early (4:20!) and have been ratty and naughty for the past two hours. It's been a bit noisy downstairs and I've raised my voice a few times.

DH has banged on the floor of the our bedroom (ceiling of sitting room where we are), obviously telling us to keep the noise down.

AIBU to feel really irritated by this? It just feels like he has no sympathy for the fact that I've had to deal with this shit since the early hours and all that's important is his precious sleep. Most mornings are fairly smooth, this one is an exception.

Get a gro clock. Set it for 7am. No getting up before then. Don’t be a martyr, 420am is a ridiculous time for kids that age to get up and I totally get your husband’s physical demonstration of his anger at you thinking it’s normal! Aside from anything else, the kids won’t be getting enough sleep unless they are going to bed at 5 or 6pm, which I doubt they are.

Guiltridden12345 · 14/08/2023 22:25

By the way, mine are 12 and 13 and still have a weekend rule that you can’t get up til 8am. Even then, you have to be super quiet until everyone else is up. Teaches them to consider others, a good life skill. They’ve been managing it since younger than your kids. We initially made a game of it, kids love that stuff, make being quiet and not waking mummy and daddy fun!

YerArseInParsley · 15/08/2023 00:23

GrumpyZena · 14/08/2023 16:03

Literally because sometimes we don't always make the best call, especially when we are exhausted.

I am so so so fucking tired of women doing this.

Some guy is a prick and anywhere in the conversation comes "but, why were you not maintaining a record of 100% perfection?".

I just can't any more.

Show quote history

Where the f in my comment did I say the op has to maintain 100% perfection?

Titchyfeep · 15/08/2023 00:43

Yabu. No point in you all being awake and T the age of 4 and 6 they know it’s not acceptable to be awake at that time so you should have put them back in bed until it was a reasonable time to get up.

CarpeVitam · 15/08/2023 00:55

Titchyfeep · 15/08/2023 00:43

Yabu. No point in you all being awake and T the age of 4 and 6 they know it’s not acceptable to be awake at that time so you should have put them back in bed until it was a reasonable time to get up.

FFS 🤦‍♀️

TeenLifeMum · 15/08/2023 01:44

@Nanny0gg under 3 then fine but 4 and over? Absolutely no way unless they’re ill - such as vomiting. People on mn have really low expectations for their dc. That doesn’t mean I think the op’s husband isn’t rude. I wouldn’t tolerate that behaviour from my husband either.

spitefulandbadgrammar · 15/08/2023 05:49

I totally get your husband’s physical demonstration of his anger at you

…wow.

SunRainStorm · 15/08/2023 06:20

Could all the posters whose 4 and 6 year olds comply with every instruction and never do anything wilful or wrong please let the rest of us know where to buy your magic fucking wand from?

Those of us with regular children who are mostly good but occasionally non-compliant would love to know.

pictoosh · 15/08/2023 07:17

"Some guy is a prick and anywhere in the conversation comes "but, why were you not maintaining a record of 100% perfection?"."

Mumsnet is full of this. It's not especially supportive or reasonable. For many it's an opportunity to promote oneself as a perfect wife and mother who may berate those who are struggling for not being as wonderful as they are pretending to be.

pictoosh · 15/08/2023 07:19

SunRainStorm · 15/08/2023 06:20

Could all the posters whose 4 and 6 year olds comply with every instruction and never do anything wilful or wrong please let the rest of us know where to buy your magic fucking wand from?

Those of us with regular children who are mostly good but occasionally non-compliant would love to know.

It's easy. You just have to close your eyes, pretend, then start typing.

GoodChat · 15/08/2023 07:51

It's easy. You just have to close your eyes, pretend, then start typing.

I think I love you @pictoosh Grin

northernbeee · 15/08/2023 10:29

Just because he has a FT professional job doesn't relinquish him from his parental responsibilities. Are you married to my ex husband ;) Honestly some men just make my blood boil that they think putting money on the table each month is all the need to do.

PansyP · 15/08/2023 12:41

Yet again an OP referring to her DH as the 'working' parent, whereas she has been the one doing night shifts AND day parenting for the last six years. Being a SAHM doesnt mean you have to be the one on duty 24 hours a day ffs!!!

MisschiefMaker · 15/08/2023 13:21

There are a lot of working and single mums who do everything she does plus hold down a full time job.

@MmeSimone

This isn't really true. They might do the same amount of housekeeping and life admin but they don't do the same amount of childcare if they're at work. Plus, for working married parents all the housework is shared to some extent (or at least it should be!),

A SAHM who has the role of a full time cook, housekeeper and nanny on call 24/7 is no life at all. Certainly not a privilege. If she were to do that job for another family she'd get paid loads. Although, truthfully, nobody expects their cooks to be minding children at the same time, or their housekeepers also to be responsible for whipping up 3 meals a day, or their nannies to do all the cleaning - because they know that's too much to expect of one person.

That's not to say it's as bad as being a single parent but it's absolutely worse than being a working parent with a DH that acts like a partner.

Orangello · 15/08/2023 13:24

There are a lot of working and single mums who do everything

And there are a lot of working dads who do their fair share of wake-ups and childcare.

MmeSimone · 15/08/2023 16:34

Orangello · 15/08/2023 13:24

There are a lot of working and single mums who do everything

And there are a lot of working dads who do their fair share of wake-ups and childcare.

Spending time with your kids is different than getting up at 4.20 when you have to work the whole next day

MmeSimone · 15/08/2023 16:38

MisschiefMaker · 15/08/2023 13:21

There are a lot of working and single mums who do everything she does plus hold down a full time job.

@MmeSimone

This isn't really true. They might do the same amount of housekeeping and life admin but they don't do the same amount of childcare if they're at work. Plus, for working married parents all the housework is shared to some extent (or at least it should be!),

A SAHM who has the role of a full time cook, housekeeper and nanny on call 24/7 is no life at all. Certainly not a privilege. If she were to do that job for another family she'd get paid loads. Although, truthfully, nobody expects their cooks to be minding children at the same time, or their housekeepers also to be responsible for whipping up 3 meals a day, or their nannies to do all the cleaning - because they know that's too much to expect of one person.

That's not to say it's as bad as being a single parent but it's absolutely worse than being a working parent with a DH that acts like a partner.

This might be true if the kids were small but they are 3 and 6 so old enough to be out of her hair for half the day. So she does the exact same amount of childcare as many working mums. Yeh, for those the partner will share housework but they also don't have the pressure of being the single earner of the family.

sassyclassyandsmartassy · 15/08/2023 18:04

F*ck this sideways on every level!!!! Text you and now banging on the ceiling? Is there something we don’t know here where you wanted kids and he didn’t? Not that that really is any excuse because he didn’t take the time to wrap it so clearly he must have done… as such they are just as much his children as yours so he needs to pull his big boy panties on, man up and stop treating his wife like the hired help.

He’d be under the patio by now in this house if tried that shit.

all we’ve learned from this post is you married a misogynist

Mrsgreen100 · 15/08/2023 18:34

Why on earth is it your job to keep the noise down, he’s their dad !
being at stay at home mum is way harder than going to work .
You need a reset , with this this husband !!!