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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH banging on ceiling

350 replies

anxiousatnight · 14/08/2023 06:12

I'm a SAHM to children aged 6 and 4. I do the vast majority with the kids. DH works fairly hard in a professional role, but office hours. He doesn't get up until 8 on a weekday and has a lie in until 8:30/9:00 every weekend.

I have done all of the night wakings and can probably count the number of times DH has got up with them in the mornings on my fingers. Kids are early risers.

None of this bothers me, I'm an early bird too and don't mind too much.

However, this morning they've woken up especially early (4:20!) and have been ratty and naughty for the past two hours. It's been a bit noisy downstairs and I've raised my voice a few times.

DH has banged on the floor of the our bedroom (ceiling of sitting room where we are), obviously telling us to keep the noise down.

AIBU to feel really irritated by this? It just feels like he has no sympathy for the fact that I've had to deal with this shit since the early hours and all that's important is his precious sleep. Most mornings are fairly smooth, this one is an exception.

OP posts:
Tinybrother · 14/08/2023 12:54

PrincessHoneysuckle · 14/08/2023 12:54

Dh is being a dick but at those ages I'd be telling them it's the middle of the night (it is imo) and trying to get them back to sleep

She did.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 14/08/2023 12:55

Tinybrother · 14/08/2023 12:54

She did.

Show quote history

OK fair enough

GiveOverRover · 14/08/2023 12:58

ClimbingThroughTheWindow · 14/08/2023 12:45

Lol at putting a 4 and 6 year old ‘down for a nap’ like they’re babies. 😂 Do these people have children or have they even met any children ever.

Surely anyone who's every parented a fractious overly tired 4 and 6 year old old knows that some peaceful silent yoga followed by a refreshing nap while they work silently in togetherness on their embroidery projects is more than possible.

babbscrabbs · 14/08/2023 13:01

billy1966 · 14/08/2023 09:23

Well done OP.

That he is a parent that NEVER has had his sleep disrupted is unbelievable and IMO the dynamic is very messed up.

The level of selfishness involved to NEVER think you might like a sleep in is off the scale selfish.

OP, I mean it kindly, but think you need to look at your self esteem, that you have tolerated this.

Read up on the "boiled frog analogy".

Let this incident be the start of a more even division.

Something tells me you will get push back from him.

He has had a completely unrealistic run as a parent.

This.

I can't actually believe what I've read.

My friend was a SAHM, and her DP used to get up with and take the DC out every Saturday until lunchtime. Plus he'd get up some weekdays if she was shattered. SAHM does not mean slave who does everything.

Tinybrother · 14/08/2023 13:03

If she were working full time and never getting up with the children, a woman would be accused of not wanting to spend time with her children…

Vault687 · 14/08/2023 13:21

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

LondonLass91 · 14/08/2023 13:29

It's tough having kids, everyone gets stressed and we all act out of character. It does get better OP, hang on in there. And the people calling your husband a cunt etc are really vile, ignore them.

GiveOverRover · 14/08/2023 13:32

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

I'm still confused as to why she only has herself to blame because you have a supportive husband and she does not.

GoodChat · 14/08/2023 13:34

So if your DH had the day off and you had to be up for work in a couple of hours, you would be ok with getting up at 4:20am so he could go back to bed?

I would, if he had two kids to look after for the whole day.

Elaina87 · 14/08/2023 13:42

You are not being unreasonable unreasonable. Go in and just tell him you're going back to bed, his turn. Literally get into the bed.

Sauvblanctime · 14/08/2023 13:46

Wtf?? Tell him to do one & send the kids to go & find daddy!!

Original poster
anxiousatnight · 14/08/2023 13:47

@Itsnotrightbutitsok but I AM happy for him as the working parent to stay in bed, I just don't feel that what he did this morning was reasonable.

OP posts:
Floppyelf · 14/08/2023 13:53

BFwoes · 14/08/2023 06:20

This. I can’t believe what I just read. It’s the most blatantly disrespectful thing I’ve read on here in a long time.

OP, you are severely under reacting.

Show quote history

This X 2

DNLove · 14/08/2023 13:54

The weekends need to be 50/50 on the lie ins. Even if some mornings you aren't sleeping just lying down dozing or reading your book, scrolling on your phone for a hour or 2. It let's your children see what equality looks like. Or use that time to get out for an early morning walk on your own with a podcast/music. You are not a slave because you don't work outside the home. I'd say go back to work on a 6 month contract to see how you feel about it. It will also give you husband a view of how he needs to do more when you're working. He might find a new respect level for you. If he doesn't he needs a kick up the backside. Also start now looking for a cleaner and have them do a few weeks while you're home so you know that you can trust them with a key.

WeetabixTowels · 14/08/2023 13:55

illiterato · 14/08/2023 06:17

Yes he’s being a twat but also they’re 6&4. Why are you letting them get up at 4:20, assuming NT? Tell them to read in bed or go back to sleep. I get it with toddlers but by school age they’re old enough to understand it’s too early to get up.

This - I’d be raging about the banging without actually helping but FGS OP 4.20 is waaaaay too early

IveHadItUpToHere · 14/08/2023 13:55

He doesn't seem to be doing enough with the DCs generally - that's an issue.

Letting your DCs stay up from 4.20am isn't a working plan - but you know that. The thing is you have been up since then so you're tired and ratty and having a bad morning. He was woken up that early too so he's also tired and ratty. I'd chalk this morning down to lack of sleep on both your parts. Although in the moment I'd be seriously pissed off at someone banging on a ceiling at me. It reeks of asking the servants to keep control below stairs.

But the bigger picture is that he either needs to get more involved with the DCs. He needs to allow you long lies, etc. Or as you've suggested you go back to work and then there's not a default assumption that you do everything child-related.

Pepsipasta · 14/08/2023 14:03

Regardless of the early morning, you are in your home with children. I am also a SAHM and my
DH works from home. Although I do try my best to not be unreasonable with noise, they are children and they want to play in their own home on their school holidays. Sometimes they have arguments, sometimes I raise my voice.

If DH needed more quiet then I would suggest he goes into the office or rents office space if he doesn't have a base.

I'm not tiptoeing round my own house.

Boredandbitter · 14/08/2023 14:05

What a cock.

CherryMaDeara · 14/08/2023 14:08

So many people are missing the point of OP's post.

Always looking to blame the woman.

Hibiscrubbed · 14/08/2023 14:11

My three year old knows not to even think of coming out of his bedroom until the sun is on his clock. Which I have set for 7:40. 😂 not sure why a 6 and 4 year old can’t learn the same.

Not to defend your lazy, selfish husband’s actions, but 4:20am is ludicrous. Even entertaining them being up at that point is ridiculous.

Beexxxx · 14/08/2023 14:13

No no they’re onto something. Give him an hour to nod back off and get into a deepish sleep then send the kids to wake him up with a nice split teabag tea and some crumbly toast 😂 the shock hurts more when you think your safe 😂

Beexxxx · 14/08/2023 14:14

HolidaysShouldNotEnd · 14/08/2023 06:22

Make this idiot a cup of tea?? Take the kids outside so the Important Man gets some rest?

Why do some women have such low standards?

Show quote history

No no they’re onto something. Give him an hour to nod back off and get into a deepish sleep then send the kids to wake him up with a nice split teabag tea and some crumbly toast 😂 the shock hurts more when you think your safe 😂 (incase the reply button doesn’t work how I think it does)

ScribblingPixie · 14/08/2023 14:18

It's like he thinks it has become your job to keep the children under control and way from him, so he isn't inconvenienced. That's not ok. You're right to correct the balance, OP.

MmeSimone · 14/08/2023 14:27

He's working. He's financing your lifestyle. He has a right to sleep. You get to stay at home and toodle about with the kids who are old enough to be in kindergarden / school, while he is stuck in his office job every day. Of course he should engage with the kids but it's 4.30, he has a right to his sleep. You can sleep when they are away for the morning.

Orangello · 14/08/2023 14:27

I have done all of the night wakings and can probably count the number of times DH has got up with them in the mornings on my fingers.

I have a 2y gap. So you're saying that when you had been up every hour with a newborn and a few times with the 2yo on top, your DH had leisurely lie-ins every morning and longer on weekends? He is ..not a very nice man, is he.