DH banging on ceiling

[anxiousatnight]

I'm a SAHM to children aged 6 and 4. I do the vast majority with the kids. DH works fairly hard in a professional role, but office hours. He doesn't get up until 8 on a weekday and has a lie in until 8:30/9:00 every weekend.

I have done all of the night wakings and can probably count the number of times DH has got up with them in the mornings on my fingers. Kids are early risers.

None of this bothers me, I'm an early bird too and don't mind too much.

However, this morning they've woken up especially early (4:20!) and have been ratty and naughty for the past two hours. It's been a bit noisy downstairs and I've raised my voice a few times.

DH has banged on the floor of the our bedroom (ceiling of sitting room where we are), obviously telling us to keep the noise down.

AIBU to feel really irritated by this? It just feels like he has no sympathy for the fact that I've had to deal with this shit since the early hours and all that's important is his precious sleep. Most mornings are fairly smooth, this one is an exception.

If there is one thing I have learned about parenting a kid with another person, it's grace.

None of us know what we are really doing. Sometimes we make the right call, sometimes it all goes wrong. When it's clearly going wrong, don't sit in judgement on someone you presumably love. Give them grace and empathy. Help. Don't bang on the ceiling! Jesus!

Only on MN could someone post about their husband, who has never got up early or in the night with the children, banging on the floor because his precious sleep has been disrupted, and then get absolutely slated and blamed by the perfect mum brigade?!

I must be living in an alternate universe because I don’t know a single parent who has a child that does as they are told 100% of the time or who hasn’t been woken up at some ungodly hour by children who have decided that the very early hours of the morning are a perfectly acceptable time to start their day and refuse to be told otherwise!

OP, I’m really hoping that you aren’t taking the comments from these perfect parents to heart. Bad mornings happen, and from where I’m sitting it looks like you took the kids downstairs to avoid exactly the situation you describe with your OH, not to reward them for being up so early. You were doing your best in a really unfair situation and essentially walking on eggshells. Im glad you’re going to talk to your OH, but please make sure that if you return to work you aren’t still responsible for all the domestic labour.

To the perfect parents who’s darling muppets daren’t step a toe out of their bedrooms until 8am regardless of whether they are unwell, anxious, had a nightmare etc, who will fall back to sleep in seconds when told to and never do anything wrong, I genuinely wish insomnia upon you all - you can have a nap later in the day.

Excellent post @Totalwasteofpaper, well said!!

I'm astounded by the number of people on here who miss the fucking point so completely and smugly declare it wouldn't be an issue with their particular brand of superior parenting.

Op your dh is a twat, you deserve at least one lie in on a weekend. Even if you can't sleep and you lie in bed with a cup of tea and a book. He needs to step up and stop treating you like a nanny.

I would have gone into the bedroom with the kids as soon as the first bang came and made sure he didn't get a single second more peace

Selfish twit

It’s a one-off, they don’t usually get up at 4.20am. They’re not going to set their alarms for 3am tomorrow in the hope of more nighttime Paw Patrol. Christ if I could teach my kids if they do X then Y happens by just doing it once I’d write a parenting book about the method, make my fortune, and hire a legion of staff for all the night wakings, early mornings, mealtime battles and playground meltdowns. Not that such things occur in my house, I’m the perfect parent. I simply tell my children what’s what and they say of course mother, silly of me to behave otherwise.

Well done you. However, my post wasn't about your parenting, my parenting or either of our children. It was about my husband.

I'm sorry for not responding individually to the posters in agreement with me. I have read every one of your posts and you have all made me feel very supported.

I have heard back from my old boss who has said that there is more than likely work available on a flexible basis. Even if I don't end up going back to work, it's good to have this in mind.

And just to update you, unsurprisingly no one has had a nap yet 🤪

You need to grow a pair and get your husband told his behaviour is unacceptable. You also need to tell him he's to do his bit in the evenings and contribute to family life at the weekends. No more sleeping in or you take it in turns, you get to sleep later on Saturday whilst he's taking care of the kids and he gets to sleep in on Sunday or vice versa.

I think it's already been asked why u let the kids go downstairs at that time? that's still the middle of the night.

Why aren't u sending them back to their rooms? It would be wise to establish boundaries for the kids. They don't come out their rooms until maybe 7am. If they are awake they read a book or whatever but they do not go into each others rooms or downstairs. Reinforce this with consequences if they don't stick to the rules.

Wow! Not you are not being unreasonable! He needs to realise they are his kids too, my son is an early riser and we both get up when he does at weekends, usually between 5 and 6. During the week we both work, I get up at 4 for work and he looks after our son till he starts at half 8/9, we both work from home.

Regardless of if you are a sahm you are entitled to a lay in too, maybe have a day each and then he can see what it's really like.

Banging on the ceiling is so incredibly rude I would be fuming and having words!

Literally because sometimes we don't always make the best call, especially when we are exhausted.

I am so so so fucking tired of women doing this.

Some guy is a prick and anywhere in the conversation comes "but, why were you not maintaining a record of 100% perfection?".

I just can't any more.

You are definitely not being unreasonable. That was such a disrespectful thing for him to do an I would be livid.
You both need to stop completely reducing the importance of your role as a SAHM. I assume that when the kids are at school (or nursery) during the day you're not just sat on your arse watching tv, you're running the house, cooking, cleaning, organising everything to do with the kids GPs, school stuff, appointments etc etc. Plus night wakes and early mornings. More so if you're having to entertain your 4 year old if they're mot at school yet. Your job is basically 24 hrs. When do you get a lie in or a break? Your husband works 9-5 no doubt with a break and when he finishes at 5, that's it. Why does he need to wake up at 8am every day, sort himself out and leave for the day, and lie ins on both days at the weekend?! Insane.

I think you need to explain how his latest actions made you feel and start to address the complete imbalance.

Also other people saying at 6 and 4 they shouldn't be allowed downstairs at that time should stop being so judgy!

Perhaps he thought wtf are you doing putting the telly on in the middle of the night …

I can't get along with your mindset. He needs sleep for his professional job, boo bloody hoo. Unless he drives for a living, operates machinery or is a surgeon I think he'd live with some sleep disturbance. You need sleep to function as a person too. It shows a complete disrespect to bang on the ceiling but he has taken your role as being a sahm as being in charge of the children 24/7. I'd have enlightened him a long time ago that as he got time off work so should you and the weekends should be shared.

In reference to your actual question yanbu to be irritated.

I’m so sorry you have to go through this alone op. I would never dream of my DH treating me like that.

When I stayed home we still shared everything equally - nappy changes, naps, bed times, baths. I set my boundaries from the moment we found out I was pregnant that we would share parenting responsibilities equally and he was more than happy to do so as he wanted to be a part of our baby’s life as much as possible (possibly due to having an absent father growing up so he’s trying to break the cycle).

Now that I’m back at work, we still operate in the same 50/50 split but we give each other a break when we need it. That’s what parenting is. No one should be doing it alone especially as it took both of you to make these precious babies!

'you think it’s acceptable to bang on the ceiling?'

No, but neither is acceptable to be up watching TV with kids being noisy at 4.20am.

The pair of them need to sit down, have a chat and do better.

The husband is solely responsible for banging on the ceiling.

Neither parent is responsible for the kids waking up.

Both parents are responsible for what to do when the kids wake at night and won’t go back down. (Frankly when my daughter went through a spate of 4.30am wakings (cheers, molars) we did get up and doze on the sofa while she watched TV. Sometimes you just do what you need to do to get through a tiring phase or day.) OP tried to resettle them then eventually moved them downstairs, presumably to protect her husband’s precious sleep. What did he do to help?

I’m sure the OP doesn’t normally let the kids get up at 4am but it’s summer holidays, routines can go a bit out if she’s at home with them all day and sometimes people are so fucking knackered they take the easiest option. That might occasionally be letting a child watch TV while dozing on the sofa.
Had the other parent supported OP by getting up and putting the children back to bed or shared night wakings then op probably wouldn’t be in this situation. Instead he banged on the floor because he’s a selfish, disrespectful arse who isn’t taking responsibility for his own children’s behaviour.

Your DH is going to get a shock when you’re back at work - adjusting his working day to do his share of school drop offs and collecting. Time off work at short notice if one of the DC’s is ill, annual leave used up to cover school holidays, cooking when he gets home from work whilst making sure the laundry is up to date, keeping on top of school activities, party invites (including buying the present), replacing grown out of school uniform and shoes.

I’m surprised at the amount of 4yrs that can tell the 🕰️.
Anyway sunrise is about 5.30am so morning.

@Kingpin90 if they have a gro clock or similar you can set it with a picture so when the sun rises on the clock they know they can get up

I really feel for you! When my kids were small, DH and I never argued about money, but sleep was always a major bone of contention. DH is a very kind and generous soul and a very good dad, but when it came to sleeping, he was a selfish git! My kids are much older and we have the opposite problem, in that they never get up!

They never had them when mine were that young. Plus once mine were awake, they were awake. And wouldn’t care!

Send them up to find daddy with a note to say ‘have been up for x hours with … and …., your turn now. Ps don’t ever ever disrespect me again by banging on the ceiling again Pps start parenting and doing at least 50/50 or you can have them on your own …, lots of not so much love your disrespected wife (for the moment) buck your ideas up!

I think it is splendid you are thinking of going back to work. Do it, and split the childcare and housework/get a cleaner so you have some time to yourself.

No one should have to respond to thumping on the ceiling. That’s BS and massively disrespectful. And, yup, kids have bad mornings, they misbehave sometimes despite the best efforts of the parents. My dad would have been up in a shot if my brother and I were up raising heck at 4:30 am and giving my mum a bad time, and said, you two, back in bed and quit larking around. That would have it sorted. Your partner is supposed to be supportive.