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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH banging on ceiling

350 replies

anxiousatnight · 14/08/2023 06:12

I'm a SAHM to children aged 6 and 4. I do the vast majority with the kids. DH works fairly hard in a professional role, but office hours. He doesn't get up until 8 on a weekday and has a lie in until 8:30/9:00 every weekend.

I have done all of the night wakings and can probably count the number of times DH has got up with them in the mornings on my fingers. Kids are early risers.

None of this bothers me, I'm an early bird too and don't mind too much.

However, this morning they've woken up especially early (4:20!) and have been ratty and naughty for the past two hours. It's been a bit noisy downstairs and I've raised my voice a few times.

DH has banged on the floor of the our bedroom (ceiling of sitting room where we are), obviously telling us to keep the noise down.

AIBU to feel really irritated by this? It just feels like he has no sympathy for the fact that I've had to deal with this shit since the early hours and all that's important is his precious sleep. Most mornings are fairly smooth, this one is an exception.

OP posts:
Tinybrother · 14/08/2023 14:30

MmeSimone · 14/08/2023 14:27

He's working. He's financing your lifestyle. He has a right to sleep. You get to stay at home and toodle about with the kids who are old enough to be in kindergarden / school, while he is stuck in his office job every day. Of course he should engage with the kids but it's 4.30, he has a right to his sleep. You can sleep when they are away for the morning.

This is irrelevant to the OP’s question. is it ok for him to bang on the ceiling instead of talking to his wife like she is his equal instead of a faulty domestic appliance?

hot2trotter · 14/08/2023 14:30

Why are you even asking, you know the answer. He was being an absolute prick and showing you zero respect (and not just today either).
But its clear from your passive almost accepting tone that you are going to continue to be a doormat and allow this to happen.
Also, how on earth is you going back to work the "only solution"?? Will that solve your husband being a nasty entitled man, and suddenly turn him into father of the year? I highly doubt it.
Honestly I get so angry at threads like this where the OP is being a wet lettuce and needs to grow a back bone, or at the very least some self respect

TeenLifeMum · 14/08/2023 14:38

You let your 6 and 4 year olds get up at 4.20? What?! This is madness.

CherryMaDeara · 14/08/2023 14:39

TeenLifeMum · 14/08/2023 14:38

You let your 6 and 4 year olds get up at 4.20? What?! This is madness.

RTFT!

Timetochangegonzo · 14/08/2023 14:40

Your kids aren’t babies - especially the 6 year old. Just tell them no they can’t get up in the middle of the night and go into each others rooms? They now know if they do you just let them watch tv. Some peoples parenting skills astound me! I’d be annoyed if I was him.

Frabbits · 14/08/2023 14:41

MmeSimone · 14/08/2023 14:27

He's working. He's financing your lifestyle. He has a right to sleep. You get to stay at home and toodle about with the kids who are old enough to be in kindergarden / school, while he is stuck in his office job every day. Of course he should engage with the kids but it's 4.30, he has a right to his sleep. You can sleep when they are away for the morning.

OP is enabling DH to work, and it was a once off. Sometimes, with the best will in the world you just have to put on your big boy socks and accept that kids don't always behave exactly how you want them.

Which is all besides the point, which is banging on the floor of your home office because your kids are making noise is a completely dick move and OP absolutely should not stand for that shit.

GoodChat · 14/08/2023 14:44

MmeSimone · 14/08/2023 14:27

He's working. He's financing your lifestyle. He has a right to sleep. You get to stay at home and toodle about with the kids who are old enough to be in kindergarden / school, while he is stuck in his office job every day. Of course he should engage with the kids but it's 4.30, he has a right to his sleep. You can sleep when they are away for the morning.

Financing her lifestyle? What lifestyle? She hasn't had a lie in in 6 bloody years.

TeenLifeMum · 14/08/2023 14:45

@CherryMaDeara what am I missing other than it’s been an “exceptionally crappy morning”? With 3 dc, including a terrible sleeper as a baby, by 6 and 4 they all knew it was not morning until 7am and they would be put back to bed if they woke earlier. From 6am I could be swayed but 4.20 is the middle of the night imo! These are not babies.

Tiddlywinks63 · 14/08/2023 14:47

UnaVaca · 14/08/2023 06:35

I’d be going back to work and reducing this awful power imbalance and being financially reliant on him.

Me too.
And I would have told the DCs to go and play with daddy and gone out for breakfast and a mooch around the shops as soon as they opened.

Nanny0gg · 14/08/2023 14:51

anxiousatnight · 14/08/2023 09:09

He's not a lawyer, but it's a similar sort of role.

You've hit the nail on the head too, I feel that overall he is quite spoilt for sleep so he should have the reserves to deal with the occasional very early morning.

Show quote history

And one day at the weekend

BFwoes · 14/08/2023 14:52

hot2trotter · 14/08/2023 14:30

Why are you even asking, you know the answer. He was being an absolute prick and showing you zero respect (and not just today either).
But its clear from your passive almost accepting tone that you are going to continue to be a doormat and allow this to happen.
Also, how on earth is you going back to work the "only solution"?? Will that solve your husband being a nasty entitled man, and suddenly turn him into father of the year? I highly doubt it.
Honestly I get so angry at threads like this where the OP is being a wet lettuce and needs to grow a back bone, or at the very least some self respect

It’s a bit frustrating, isn’t it? I get that there are other factors of which we’re unaware, but this sort of passivity makes me so cross.

I also think it’s telling that she’s only really engaging with the small minority who are criticising her. It’s like she’s more comfortable being in the wrong and ‘defending’ her position than actually taking on board what everyone else is saying and facing the real issue here - which won’t be resolved by her going back to work.

Nanny0gg · 14/08/2023 14:52

Hibiscrubbed · 14/08/2023 14:11

My three year old knows not to even think of coming out of his bedroom until the sun is on his clock. Which I have set for 7:40. 😂 not sure why a 6 and 4 year old can’t learn the same.

Not to defend your lazy, selfish husband’s actions, but 4:20am is ludicrous. Even entertaining them being up at that point is ridiculous.

The OP is aware...

Nanny0gg · 14/08/2023 14:56

TeenLifeMum · 14/08/2023 14:38

You let your 6 and 4 year olds get up at 4.20? What?! This is madness.

OFFS!

It was a fucking one-off

Sometimes children don't do what they're told

Who knew?

Honestlyy · 14/08/2023 14:58

Please don't say he has both Saturday and Sunday lie-ins. He's up at 8 through the week ffs. It's not like he's knackered from early starts.You have to make a stand and take a lie in too, even if you don't sleep, read, watch a show or listen to podcast/radio or something.

GrumpyZena · 14/08/2023 14:59

Oh geeeeettttt fucked.

"Just tell them to go back to bed!"

This is a once in a blue moon bad morning. I'm so glad all of you "tell them to get back to bed" crowd have always had perfect kids who listened to you every time. If you do, then let me tell you a secret: you are giving them issues. If your kid never feels safe to push back, you are doing something wrong and they are either frightened of you or frightened of losing your love.

I can completely see thinking "they are being really noisy up here, I'll take them downstairs", because, and I don't know about you, I ALSO DO NOT DO MY BEST LONG TERM THINKING WHEN I'VE BEEN WOKEN AT 4.20!

Yes, ideally they would have gone sweetly back to sleep when she said "hey, it's not time to get up yet". I'm FUCKING SURE she tried that though! Who in their right mind would not at least try to get the gremlins back to bed so that everyone could sleep. Let us just assume that she tried that and the kids were getting louder and more disruptive so she actually tried to do that shithead a favour and take them further away from his precious slumbering self.

Yes, being woken up early is annoying. Why does he get the pass to be annoyed? Why does he get all the grace and she gets none? Why does he get to treat her with such fucking disrespect? He's annoyed at being woken? SO IS SHE!!!

And please, "she can nap later" - there is no better way to convince me that you have never had kids than the belief that she could nap at any point in a day with a 4 and 6yo.

GrumpyZena · 14/08/2023 15:05

Aaaaaand that's how I know you don't have kids. It's the summer holidays you prick.

And let's get this straight - she finances their lifestyle. She works too. She has saved them thousands on childcare and wraparound care. I bet she looks after the house, the cooking, the cleaning...

FancyFanny · 14/08/2023 15:10

@GrumpyZena ha ha- children growing up with issues because they mostly do as they are told? No- children understanding clear boundaries and feeling secure and safe. My dd was always well behaved, if she got up at 4am she'd have been told under no circumstances were we getting up and playing!

GrumpyZena · 14/08/2023 15:13

FancyFanny · 14/08/2023 15:10

@GrumpyZena ha ha- children growing up with issues because they mostly do as they are told? No- children understanding clear boundaries and feeling secure and safe. My dd was always well behaved, if she got up at 4am she'd have been told under no circumstances were we getting up and playing!

Well, that's the key word, isn't it?

MOSTLY.

This is one morning, out of all the mornings. And he treated her like that, no grace, no love.

ONE morning, where she couldn't settle them back, and a significant number of people on this thread have made this about her failings, not his. That attitude can get in the fucking bin.

Janiie · 14/08/2023 15:14

'I'm so glad all of you "tell them to get back to bed" crowd have always had perfect kids who listened to you everytime. If you do, then let me tell you a secret: you are giving them issues. If your kidneverfeels safe to push back, you are doing something wrong and they are either frightened of you or frightened of losing your love.'

Confused

Our dc were never frightened of either of us or of 'losing our love'.

What I did do if they woke was either get into bed with them if they were scared, take the them to the loo or whatever, it certainly wasn't ever telly on and 'noisy' play at 4.20am. I not surprised he was banging on the ceiling.

museumum · 14/08/2023 15:20

CeriB82 · 14/08/2023 06:38

As others have said, they’re old enough to be told to be quiet , stay in bed as its not time to get up. You can all gave a nap later. He’s at work. Id also bang on the floor

how the hell does she have a daytime nap with an overwrought out of sorts 6 and 4 year old in the house? That's just not going to happen is it?

GrumpyZena · 14/08/2023 15:22

FancyFanny · 14/08/2023 15:10

@GrumpyZena ha ha- children growing up with issues because they mostly do as they are told? No- children understanding clear boundaries and feeling secure and safe. My dd was always well behaved, if she got up at 4am she'd have been told under no circumstances were we getting up and playing!

Also, don't want to alarm you, but I stand by what I said.

I was a very well behaved child. I was terrified of disappointing anyone or making anyone upset with me.

Do you know why? It's not because I was a perfect angel who always understood and respected my parents' wishes based on logical evaluation of the facts.

I had, and still have, my own perspective, feelings, and needs. Sometimes those clashed with my parents. But I never said so because I just assumed that my needs should be second fiddle. Every time. If I asserted myself, made myself take up space, then maybe I would be rejected, and that is not safe for a child.

There are complex reasons behind that, but trust me, compliance is not the goal. If your child is always "good", check. They probably worry about what would happen if they weren't. Being "no bother" is not good. They should feel free to be a bother sometimes!

Tinybrother · 14/08/2023 15:23

Janiie · 14/08/2023 15:14

'I'm so glad all of you "tell them to get back to bed" crowd have always had perfect kids who listened to you everytime. If you do, then let me tell you a secret: you are giving them issues. If your kidneverfeels safe to push back, you are doing something wrong and they are either frightened of you or frightened of losing your love.'

Confused

Our dc were never frightened of either of us or of 'losing our love'.

What I did do if they woke was either get into bed with them if they were scared, take the them to the loo or whatever, it certainly wasn't ever telly on and 'noisy' play at 4.20am. I not surprised he was banging on the ceiling.

you think it’s acceptable to bang on the ceiling?

GrumpyZena · 14/08/2023 15:25

Janiie · 14/08/2023 15:14

'I'm so glad all of you "tell them to get back to bed" crowd have always had perfect kids who listened to you everytime. If you do, then let me tell you a secret: you are giving them issues. If your kidneverfeels safe to push back, you are doing something wrong and they are either frightened of you or frightened of losing your love.'

Confused

Our dc were never frightened of either of us or of 'losing our love'.

What I did do if they woke was either get into bed with them if they were scared, take the them to the loo or whatever, it certainly wasn't ever telly on and 'noisy' play at 4.20am. I not surprised he was banging on the ceiling.

Right, but I can completely see that the thinking that "the playing is getting noisy, they aren't listening to my redirection, maybe they will watch TV quietly".

It's ONCE. Glad you never made a bad call. I do it all the time.

Vault687 · 14/08/2023 15:27

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Tinybrother · 14/08/2023 15:27

It’s really interesting that some people will tolerate behaviour from an adult male that they clearly don’t tolerate from their children.