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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Downstairs neighbour works nights, AIBU?

241 replies

WFHWithNightsNeighbour · 13/08/2023 23:38

It’s just me and a DC aged 9 at home.

Downstairs neighbour works 4 nights a week then has his own DC every Saturday to Monday.

We be as considerate as we can but I wfh 3 days a week, I have already upped my office days by 1 per week to accommodate downstairs. I cannot go in anymore days as we no longer have our own desks and there’s more staff than desks, we have to book and we’re only guaranteed 1 day per week in the office, I had to argue for 2 days.

Which means at least 3 days per week I am wfh. Sadly my office days are Monday (when he’s off) and Thursday. I have no control over my days, I can’t swap them unless I have a face to face meeting on another day which doesn’t tend to happen.

I don’t run my washing machine in the day, I don’t use my hoover in the week at all, I don’t play music while I’m working.

But I do have to take virtual meetings, sometimes with clients. These are usually 2-3 times a day for 30-60minutes at a time.

I do these at the kitchen table which is the furthest room from downstairs bedroom. I use noise cancelling headphones and talk as quietly as possible. I get that it’s noisy but I have to work, if I don’t work then my own mental health suffers. I love my job.

I don't let DC run around inside with shoes on, and they're at school in term time or holiday club in holidays unless I'm on Annual Leave (I don't WFH with my DC at home).

Apparently, I’m constantly disturbing him, he can hear me typing reports and taking calls. He's been woken up several times over the last week by me working and he's knocked on my door each time. He’s also complained to our housing association previously who sympathised but basically told him it was normal household noise. I know because I've had a letter which had the title "Noise Complaint" but said "We've visited the complainents property at the times of day the complaint was made about and decided that this falls into the category of everyday household noise and therefore no action will be taken. No further complaints on this matter will be considered"

He then accused me of running a business from my flat (which is against tenancy) but they came and saw it was just a wfh job and said it was fine.They did ask me if I could go into the office more but when I showed them the email from my manager saying he had to cap it at 2 days per week and the reasons why they said that he (downstairs) would have to cope.

What else can I do? I don’t want to fall out with him. No chance of being rehoused as there’s a CAO for contact which states I have to live within a certain distance of ExH and we’re already at that boundary, I’ve been offered further away but when I discussed it with ExH he said he’d take me back to court over it which I can’t afford either mentally or monetary – the last case cost me over £15k which I’m still repaying 4 years after it ended.

OP posts:
TarquinOliverNimrod · 15/08/2023 19:24

Jesus, you are the nicest most patient neighbour in the world. He would have been told to go forth and multiply by this household a long time ago. If you work nights, you have to accept that the world keeps turning during daylight hours and that’s what white noise, earplugs and eye-masks are for.

MrsWeasley · 15/08/2023 19:24

I think you are already doing more than enough to accommodate him. Imagine if you moved and they moved in a family with toddlers or babies - would he expect them to be quiet. He needs to sort his own problems out and either change his shift patterns, ear plugs or play some white noise.

ReginaRegina · 15/08/2023 19:28

I'm a light sleeper and ADHD sufferer so really struggle getting to sleep. I worked nights previously and earplugs worked perfectly.

JenniferBooth · 15/08/2023 19:43

@NancyJoan then the OPs downstairs neighbour should pay the OPs commuting costs if she has to go into the office to accomodate him Should be affordable with his night premium no?

Gcsunnyside23 · 15/08/2023 20:01

He's not suited to living in a flat, if he comes to complain again I'd tell him to move, change his shifts or wear ear plugs. You have done enough but he just sounds like a head melt

NancyJoan · 15/08/2023 20:02

JenniferBooth · 15/08/2023 19:43

@NancyJoan then the OPs downstairs neighbour should pay the OPs commuting costs if she has to go into the office to accomodate him Should be affordable with his night premium no?

In an ideal world, yes. It just sounds like it’s getting to the OP, was merely making a suggestion. (My commute is on foot, and cost free. My DH’s is by bicycle. Not everyone has huge commuting costs)

ConstitutionHill · 15/08/2023 20:09

Do you have people pleasing tendencies OP?, that this guy has picked up on and is capitalising on?

You seem really nice and considerate and have gone over and above reasonable, to the point that you are almost tiptoeing around.

I worked nights for decades and just used earplugs which are brilliant.

I think he senses weakness and is trying to bully you. If you were some massive tattooed martial artist he would have backed off long ago.

JenniferBooth · 15/08/2023 20:13

I have no doubt in my mind that him downstairs would have been up here knocking on my door if i lived on my own

knobheed99 · 15/08/2023 20:22

It's his problem to sort. It sounds like normal household noise and the housing association have confirmed that. I would just ignore him. I probably wouldn't even answer the door to him any more. Or he'd get short shrift from me.
He needs to be doing something to solve the issue - such as wearing ear plugs. If you are working nights you have to be able to cope with normal noise of people going about their business during the day - in the same way as you have to cope with it being light when you are trying to sleep, by having blackout curtains etc.

WotsitsMadeIn1927 · 15/08/2023 20:26

I work nights and take precautions to make sure I’m not disturbed. I wear ear plugs, use a power fan to drown out noise, all doors closed etc. perhaps suggest the ear plugs to your neighbour, they work wonders for me.

You’re doing nothing by the way and you’re trying to not disturb him and doing your best to accommodate him, not much more you can do and he needs to help himself too

LaDamaDeElche · 15/08/2023 21:29

Don’t even entertain him. Don’t answer the door to him either. He should get some earplugs and get on with life. He sounds like an idiot.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 15/08/2023 21:34

Has he got the same size flat but with a garden? Offer to swap?
Otherwise - he’ll have to move or get a day job. It’s HIS hours that are anti social - not yours.,

Original poster
WFHWithNightsNeighbour · 15/08/2023 21:47

Neighbour has smaller flat in terms of bedrooms.

Ground Floor is a bedsit/studio and a 1 bed.
1st/Middle Floor is a 1 bed (my downstairs neighbour) and a 2 bed
2nd/Top is a 2 bed (mine) and a 3 bed.

But the Middle Floor Flats take up more Square Footage than the other floors, no idea how or why it works the building isn't an odd shape. So his is slightly bigger in terms of actual space than mine.

OP posts:
Buggersticks · 15/08/2023 23:15

I think he needs to find his own solutions, like earplugs, moving out, or changing his job! I think he needs to shut up, because if you move he might not be so lucky with his next neighbours! I haven't read through all your responses, but assuming you are carpeted too? You've done all you can, its his problem, you're just living a normal life xx

mrsbyers · 15/08/2023 23:37

If he gets home at around 7am then he should be up and about until midday surely ? So you could use your washing machine and have as many work calls at you need to - he should wear earplugs when he goes to bed

SausagefingersMalone · 15/08/2023 23:43

I would do a list of all the adjustments you’ve made, as they’re pretty considerable. Then I would hand it over to him next time he complains and say you’re sending the same list to all parties concerned. Nip it in the bud and make it clear that’s the end of the matter and and you’ll consider any further complaints as harassment and will log them. You sound incredibly considerate!

Beentheredonethat123 · 16/08/2023 00:28

OP, run your damn washing machine in the day!
Live a normal life!
This man is not your responsibility!
You have this idiot on your mind all day every day, get on with YOUR life! 💐

Daddydog · 16/08/2023 03:46

YANBU - @WFHWithNightsNeighbour do you know if he's lonely, a bit depressed and focusing on this as a problem?

When I went through my 'Peep Show' years l lived for 6 years with my best mate 'Mark' who worked nights & bought a flat directly behind a school. Sound insulation was crap, but noise from school, neighbours or me working from home (loudly) never bothered him. I really got to understand how nights can be a depressing existence, living opposite from the rest of the world, but at least we had each other and life was fun!

When I decided to spread my wings, he lasted about 3 months living on his own before he moved out and left it empty for 3 years! He said that when he was on his own, all the sounds that were always there started to get to him. It was like the sounds of other people living normal lives amplified his lonelyness.

Then he met a wonderful woman with a daughter, and within 3 months of meeting they took a huge leap of faith and all moved into his flat, then lockdown happened a 2 weeks later! 3 years on he's married, had a baby and the 4 of them still live in the very same flat and no sounds bother his daytime sleep again!

That guy isn't really bothered by your every day sounds - something else in his life is bothering him. Enjoy your life.

CelestiaNoctis · 16/08/2023 05:40

Now they have closed the file on the noise complaint and said its every day noise, I would begin my own complaint for harassment. Every time he knocks, bothers you, officially complains, write it down for a couple months. Call the police every time he knocks and intimidates you and your daughter. Keep it all logged. Then I'd get an order against him to leave you alone. He's harassing you. You're not doing anything wrong. If he wants absolute silence for night work, he needs to live in a house in the middle of nowhere. I would stop bring so considerate and let him know he's harassing you and your family and you're not taking it anymore and will be involving the police. Hopefully he decides to then just move.

royalwatch · 16/08/2023 08:35

I think he sounds nuts. His working pattern is his own problem. He will always encounter noise from a flat above

i bet he has another agenda….wants to be rehoused etc

try not to let it bother you

MagentaRocks · 16/08/2023 10:46

mrsbyers · 15/08/2023 23:37

If he gets home at around 7am then he should be up and about until midday surely ? So you could use your washing machine and have as many work calls at you need to - he should wear earplugs when he goes to bed

Why would he be up until midday? It’s very different working nights. I always go to bed when I get home from a night shift, but I have my evening before work. Night shifts are tiring, they mess with your body clock and it isn’t just as simple as switching your day around.

he is still being unreasonable though

WheezeAJollyGoodFellow · 16/08/2023 10:54

CelestiaNoctis · 16/08/2023 05:40

Now they have closed the file on the noise complaint and said its every day noise, I would begin my own complaint for harassment. Every time he knocks, bothers you, officially complains, write it down for a couple months. Call the police every time he knocks and intimidates you and your daughter. Keep it all logged. Then I'd get an order against him to leave you alone. He's harassing you. You're not doing anything wrong. If he wants absolute silence for night work, he needs to live in a house in the middle of nowhere. I would stop bring so considerate and let him know he's harassing you and your family and you're not taking it anymore and will be involving the police. Hopefully he decides to then just move.

Exactly all this.
AND I would hoover and listen to (quiet) music and let your child play and do ALL the things you do in the DAYTIME in a normal house. He has interrupted your right to peaceful enjoyment of your home. I would stop making adjustments for him - which is putting a stresson you - tiptoeing around your own home.
You have carpets, aren't raving. Enjoy your time and just ignore his ridiculous demands and report him for them.

saffy2 · 16/08/2023 11:15

I am quite shocked at the measures you’re already taking to be honest. That’s exceptionally kind of you to alter your normal
cleaning schedules for him. Does that mean that your own children are disturbed by the washing machine etc?!
you are already going above and beyond and I think even if you did use your washing machine and hoover, that also would be totally reasonable! He is the one working outside of the norm!!!

JenniferBooth · 16/08/2023 12:56

Having thick carpets and rugs in a top floor flat also makes it even hotter so thats already a sacrifice those in this situation are having to make Coupled with the ridiculous over insulation its made my flat like a furnace Hence the increase in the amount of baths i have to have. Im not going to bed all stinky and sweaty to appease neighbours because the HA cant get its act together. Especially when the thick carpets and rugs are for my downstairs neighbours fucking benefit When i get up in the morning the only thing thats been on overnight is the fridge freezer and yet is like a fucking sauna.

Original poster
WFHWithNightsNeighbour · 16/08/2023 15:06

saffy2 · 16/08/2023 11:15

I am quite shocked at the measures you’re already taking to be honest. That’s exceptionally kind of you to alter your normal
cleaning schedules for him. Does that mean that your own children are disturbed by the washing machine etc?!
you are already going above and beyond and I think even if you did use your washing machine and hoover, that also would be totally reasonable! He is the one working outside of the norm!!!

@saffy2 My DC likes the sound of the washing machine so is happy to eat, play or do homework with it going. I don't like it on when I'm working so I will stick to putting it on around 5pm although might bring it slightly earlier to around 3.45/4pm as it'd mean I can put it on straight away when DC comes in from school and gets changed.

OP posts: