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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Downstairs neighbour works nights, AIBU?

241 replies

WFHWithNightsNeighbour · 13/08/2023 23:38

It’s just me and a DC aged 9 at home.

Downstairs neighbour works 4 nights a week then has his own DC every Saturday to Monday.

We be as considerate as we can but I wfh 3 days a week, I have already upped my office days by 1 per week to accommodate downstairs. I cannot go in anymore days as we no longer have our own desks and there’s more staff than desks, we have to book and we’re only guaranteed 1 day per week in the office, I had to argue for 2 days.

Which means at least 3 days per week I am wfh. Sadly my office days are Monday (when he’s off) and Thursday. I have no control over my days, I can’t swap them unless I have a face to face meeting on another day which doesn’t tend to happen.

I don’t run my washing machine in the day, I don’t use my hoover in the week at all, I don’t play music while I’m working.

But I do have to take virtual meetings, sometimes with clients. These are usually 2-3 times a day for 30-60minutes at a time.

I do these at the kitchen table which is the furthest room from downstairs bedroom. I use noise cancelling headphones and talk as quietly as possible. I get that it’s noisy but I have to work, if I don’t work then my own mental health suffers. I love my job.

I don't let DC run around inside with shoes on, and they're at school in term time or holiday club in holidays unless I'm on Annual Leave (I don't WFH with my DC at home).

Apparently, I’m constantly disturbing him, he can hear me typing reports and taking calls. He's been woken up several times over the last week by me working and he's knocked on my door each time. He’s also complained to our housing association previously who sympathised but basically told him it was normal household noise. I know because I've had a letter which had the title "Noise Complaint" but said "We've visited the complainents property at the times of day the complaint was made about and decided that this falls into the category of everyday household noise and therefore no action will be taken. No further complaints on this matter will be considered"

He then accused me of running a business from my flat (which is against tenancy) but they came and saw it was just a wfh job and said it was fine.They did ask me if I could go into the office more but when I showed them the email from my manager saying he had to cap it at 2 days per week and the reasons why they said that he (downstairs) would have to cope.

What else can I do? I don’t want to fall out with him. No chance of being rehoused as there’s a CAO for contact which states I have to live within a certain distance of ExH and we’re already at that boundary, I’ve been offered further away but when I discussed it with ExH he said he’d take me back to court over it which I can’t afford either mentally or monetary – the last case cost me over £15k which I’m still repaying 4 years after it ended.

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 13/08/2023 23:56

Yanbu.

The noise you're making is totally reasonable. Some of the modifications you've made (no washing machine in the day) are OTT. He sounds like a bully.

Don't answer the door to him.

Olivia199 · 13/08/2023 23:58

As someone who's worked nights for a long time, this is absolutely not a you problem. You've been considerate above and beyond what a lot of people are and do your best to limit noise.

It's now on him to find ways of managing HIS shifts and schedules. Perhaps something as simple as earplugs.
I've been so fortunate with neighbours in the past. One used to go out of her way to check whether I was on nights before mowing the lawn and .. bless her.. even intercepted amazon/royal mail/cold callers if she thought I may be asleep. Although that was incredibly kind, never once would I expect it.

I've also had neighbours that likely never knew I worked shifts and went about their day. Also absolutely fine.

When I lived in a ground floor flat I had a stay at home mum and her two kids above me. Took a while to get used to it but I made sure I had ear plugs. It wasn't for her to change a thing.

My shift pattern is my responsibility and other people have every right to live their own lives. If he isn't finding night work sustainable living in a downstairs flat then he needs to take steps to mitigate or resolve that. You have more than done your bit.

Nevermind91 · 14/08/2023 00:02

It sounds to me that you are far more considerate than the vast majority of people would be, including your neighbour and your ex.
I wonder if either of them ever consider others the way you do?
Hope things improve for you soon.

Olika · 14/08/2023 00:03

My husband works nights and he doesn't expect neighbours to not live their lives during the day time. Absolutely ridiculous. He can get earplugs then. I would tell him to shut up.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/08/2023 00:03

I would have one more conversation with your neighbour, and I do mean just ONE more. I'd be telling him to get a noise machine to play thunderstorm sounds or white noise and to never bother me again. He is flat out harassing you for living a normal life. I would tell him that if he knocks again, you will not be answering the door. If he needs his surroundings to be that quiet, he needs to buy a detached house out in the country.

He's being absolutely ridiculous and you shouldn't give any of this another thought.

FatherJackHackettsUnderpantsHamper · 14/08/2023 00:03

I feel for the guy, being on an opposite schedule from most of the world isn't easy.

So do I, BUT this is the whole reason why working nights is usually not people's preference, all else being equal, and it is usually paid significantly better than the equivalent amount of hours in the daytime.

What would be the point of the extra pay if you could simply expect the rest of the world to stop moving whilst you sleep when everybody else is awake and active?

You've already been far more reasonable than you strictly 'had to'. Ultimately, it's up to him if deliberately choosing to work a shift that doesn't suit a lot of people also doesn't suit him - and then, if so, he will need to decide whether he needs to look elsewhere for employment or move somewhere with no neighbours.

Annaishere · 14/08/2023 00:05

@FatherJackHackettsUnderpantsHamper it might not be by choice, there are quite a lot of night people that can’t sleep and wake the normal way

Aquamarine1029 · 14/08/2023 00:06

Personally, I don't think this is about noise at all. I think this twat needs an emotional punching bag and he's decided that you are it. Fuck him. Ignore him completely.

MsRosley · 14/08/2023 00:07

You're already being extremely considerate. He's a controlling cock who is bullying you.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 14/08/2023 00:08

He needs to use ear plugs - proper silicone ones. Normal household noise shouldn’t penetrate through those

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 14/08/2023 00:09

Also don’t open the door to him in future

Symphony830 · 14/08/2023 00:09

I am totally dumbfounded that you have rearranged your working life and normal activities to accommodate this individual - a man that lives downstairs and works unsociable hours.

I’d start making a log of when he knocks on your door and present it to the Housing Association as harassment.

He is the problem!!!!

FatherJackHackettsUnderpantsHamper · 14/08/2023 00:10

it might not be by choice, there are quite a lot of night people that can’t sleep and wake the normal way

True - but is that because of how they naturally are, or just how they become after getting used to night-working over many years?

Either way, he can't expect other people to not make use of their days just because he is asleep then. Whatever the circumstances of why he does that job, he doesn't need to use his days to make money - because he does that at night - which is great, but other people do need to use their days to make the money that they need to live.

FatherJackHackettsUnderpantsHamper · 14/08/2023 00:13

Personally, I don't think this is about noise at all. I think this twat needs an emotional punching bag and he's decided that you are it.

Yes, he reminds me of other people who - for whatever reason - decide that what they like/suits them is automatically what they should be entitled to; and other people's needs, preferences and circumstances just don't figure as important in any way.

I’d start making a log of when he knocks on your door and present it to the Housing Association as harassment.

I agree with this. He's claiming that you're disturbing his sleep, but then he comes by to deliberately disturb your work. Why is that he matters and you don't?

Vivstanshall · 14/08/2023 00:14

I can understand why the OP has done this. I found myself creeping around my own flat in order not to have my neighbour angrily ringing my doorbell or thumping on my ceiling if she deemed I’d made too much noise. I’m talking everyday household noise, like closing a back door or a window or hoovering the floor. Didn’t stop her stamping around above me and slamming doors though. It’s awful to live like this and it is bullying really. I made a complaint about her and all I got was her furiously shouting at me for doing so. Somehow, OP, has to reclaim her rights to make normal noise during the day without feeling guilty.

DinnaeFashYersel · 14/08/2023 00:14

I think YABU and so is your neighbour.

You should not be tip toe-ing around and having to behave this way. WFH, using your washing machine, vacuuming are normal day time activities. You need to live your life.

Neighbour is BU for expecting to behave this way.

Neighbour needs earplugs, to install sound proofing or to move to a quiet remote location. And needs to stop harassing you.

User3735 · 14/08/2023 00:15

You are restricting your life too much! This is insane. If I were you, I'd buy him some of the wax/silicone ear plugs (much better than the foam) and post them through his door with a note suggesting he gives them a go, and then live your life like a normal person. Use your washing machine and hoover when you want. Everybody has to put up with neighbour noise at inconvenient times and his issue with needing total silence to sleep is not your concern!

Annaishere · 14/08/2023 00:16

Same @Vivstanshall

PlinkPlonkFizz · 14/08/2023 00:22

He's being incredibly unreasonable and you have done too much curtailing of your normal family day to day behaviour to accept him.

As others have said he needs proper earplugs.

I lived in lots of flats and in two I nearly went barmy with tenants arriving home from late jobs (I suspect bar-work or something similar) and blaring TVs or radio, slamming doors and being noisier than most daytime tenants. You sound like an angel!

ihadamarveloustime · 14/08/2023 00:25

THis isn't your problem to solve; it's his.

If he's not happy with the 'noise', and by the sound of it, you're doing way more than anyone else would to keep normal, daily life noise down out of kindness, then he needs to find a way to cope. Or move.

FatherJackHackettsUnderpantsHamper · 14/08/2023 00:25

I found myself creeping around my own flat in order not to have my neighbour angrily ringing my doorbell or thumping on my ceiling if she deemed I’d made too much noise. I’m talking everyday household noise, like closing a back door or a window or hoovering the floor.

I think that some extremely entitled people just assume that they have a right never to hear any sign at all that they have neighbours. That isn't what noise disturbance is at all; it's just normal life.

In a way, I'd compare it to people who choose to watch the same TV programmes every week and complain every week that they don't like them - as if their personally not liking them is some kind of reason why they should be scrapped and other people who do like them shouldn't have an opportunity for their preference. It's the same entitled attitude that assumes you are the only person that the world is for.

Cucucucu · 14/08/2023 00:25

its partly your fault for accommodating so much . It’s his choice to work nights , he can wear ear plugs or find another job . Stop accommodating his needs

Mamanyt · 14/08/2023 00:25

You are FINE! You are doing everything within reason to accomodate your neighbor. I doubt, given his attitude, that you can avoid a faIIing out. I'm so sorry. The housing association has checked, and deemed what you are doing to be "normaI." I'd suggest just Ieaving it aIone, unIess he continues to knock on your door often. In that case, I'd report him to the association for harrassment.

I've had a neighbor Iike that, it was heII on earth for a bit. She compIained that I waIked around at night, that I washed my dishes too Iate at night, that I (yes, reaIIy) sat down on my toiIet too hard. I was the one who was up aII night, to be sure, but I tried NEVER to go into the bedroom after 10 PM, and kept movements after midnight to a minimum. The IandIady, after that Iast compIaint, toId her that nothing I was doing was unreasonabIe, and that further compIaints of such an egregious nature wouId resuIt in starting eviction steps against her.

Mind you, I never had an issue with her untiI I refused to Iet her connect to my cabIe teIevision. Which is quite iIIegaI. AND contacted the cabIe company that she was insistent about it, in case she did so on the outside of the buiIding without my knowIedge. And she'd have done it.

Oh, weII. End RANT! But I know how crazy peopIe Iike that can make you!

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 14/08/2023 00:27

Speak to your HA about the fact he’s harassing you over normal daytime noise

Harassing other tenants will be breaching his tenancy - rather than you breaching yours as he’s trying to make out.

Annaishere · 14/08/2023 00:27

sat down on my toiIet too hard
!omg what a weirdo !