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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fed up of my greedy husband

300 replies

Yoloohno · 13/08/2023 23:18

Once again I’ve returned home to find hex eaten something that was bought for myself or by another member of the family as a treat and left me the communal food for me to eat. Think greggs filled doughnut V Tesco jam doughnut.

As a one off fair enough but it’s time and time again. He will eat what he wants regardless of who has bought it. Gifted chocolates from clients that I’ll save, kids Easter eggs it’s fair game.

Yet his treats never make it to the communal cupboard, they either get eaten straight away or get hidden in his car.

Once again it’s sorry. It’s Sunday night and I can’t even replace what’s been eaten. Am I being unfair.

OP posts:
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5
WiddlinDiddlin · 14/08/2023 04:27

TheShellBeach · 13/08/2023 23:31

OP if it's in the house it's fair game IMO.
Anyone can eat anything in my house.

But would they? Do they?

Do you have special items etc?

Because its easy to say this and you may well not care, but then if you live in a house full of respectful people who would not do such a thing, or you don't actually have special stuff thats just yours... then its really not comparable.

Appleofmyeye2023 · 14/08/2023 04:34

WhateverMate · 14/08/2023 00:00

Hell would freeze over before I hid food in my own house.

It would also freeze over before I allowed anyone to fuck up my kid's self regulation, just because they themselves don't have any.

My best friend grew up in a house like yours OP, and she quickly learned to binge eat all her Easter eggs and any other treats because if she put them in the fridge/cupboard, they sure as hell wouldn't be there in the morning.

This.
it was like this with my ex ( not why I divorced him).
I have a sweet tooth and weight issue . If I bought anything sweet he’d snaffle it over a day or 2. I learnt that the only way I’d get more than 1 “ portion” was to eat it in same time frame, rather than store it and eat over a longer period.

I hadn’t realised how bad this was till I divorced and have slowly realised it wasnt healthy and that I could have a small amount and leave it stored for another day.

You are so right- he completely fucked with mine and kids self regulation and it is a good way to put it

skippy67 · 14/08/2023 04:48

TheShellBeach · 13/08/2023 23:31

OP if it's in the house it's fair game IMO.
Anyone can eat anything in my house.

Weird.

Mothership4two · 14/08/2023 05:16

Well it sounds like you have bigger problems than just a greedy husband OP!

I have a snaffler adult son at home and have had to resort to marking food items in the fridge, although that doesn't always work because sometimes the item was "going out of date so I thought it didn't matter" - no it wasn't but wrapper has mysteriously disappeared. It used to be really annoying if I found a vital ingredient was missing mid-way through me making a meal. I also have a lockable food box for some bits. We have plenty of food and treats available, but he would trough the lot and not leave anything for anyone else which has been a bit unfair on DS2. I have also used an old plastic toolbox with a padlock.

BadgerFacedCoo · 14/08/2023 05:47

MysteryBelle · 14/08/2023 04:00

You all are kind of acting like psychos, going on rampages over family members occasionally eating your snacks. Threatening divorce, accusing them of being criminals, like they’ve committed treason or something. 😄

The families of these psychos must walk on eggshells and obey every edict or else. Pretty scary. Chocolate dictators 😂

Show quote history

This isn't a problem I have, I'm lucky to live with people who are respectful and not thieves.

Are you that weirdo that gets moved department at work for eating others lunches out the fridge?

VinEtFromage · 14/08/2023 05:53

Ponderingwindow · 14/08/2023 04:08

Would he respect labeled food?
if food is in the kitchen, it’s not always clear it is special. Write someone’s name on it and then it’s clear it is off limits.

@Ponderingwindow if children are given Easter Eggs, it's pretty obvious they're the childrens, it doesn't stop him.

GavinsFace · 14/08/2023 06:00

MysteryBelle · 14/08/2023 04:00

You all are kind of acting like psychos, going on rampages over family members occasionally eating your snacks. Threatening divorce, accusing them of being criminals, like they’ve committed treason or something. 😄

The families of these psychos must walk on eggshells and obey every edict or else. Pretty scary. Chocolate dictators 😂

Show quote history

I am sorry you have such low standards.

NorthernLights5 · 14/08/2023 06:03

MysteryBelle · 14/08/2023 04:00

You all are kind of acting like psychos, going on rampages over family members occasionally eating your snacks. Threatening divorce, accusing them of being criminals, like they’ve committed treason or something. 😄

The families of these psychos must walk on eggshells and obey every edict or else. Pretty scary. Chocolate dictators 😂

Show quote history

Well it isn't occasionally for the OPs husband is it? And you really eat your children's Christmas/Easter chocolate? And your partners birthday sweets? And then make out they're the problem if they ask you not to?

If you can't control yourself to not eat everyone's treat foods/gifts (as is the OPs husbands behaviour) then you need to look at why that is. At worst her husband just can't bear the thought of his family having treats he doesn't have and so is controlling. At worst that kind of behaviour is embarrassing and very strange.

Also calling people psychos for a perfectly normal emotion is a pretty standard gaslighting technique.

CrazyArmadilloLady · 14/08/2023 06:06

MysteryBelle · 14/08/2023 04:00

You all are kind of acting like psychos, going on rampages over family members occasionally eating your snacks. Threatening divorce, accusing them of being criminals, like they’ve committed treason or something. 😄

The families of these psychos must walk on eggshells and obey every edict or else. Pretty scary. Chocolate dictators 😂

Show quote history

You got ‘psycho’ and ‘rampaging’ from that post…? 🧐

SingingKlingon · 14/08/2023 06:11

Oh dear OP you have much bigger problems with your wanker of a husband than just him stealing everyone's treats.

I bet there is much much more you don't even realise is abusive. Please try to get in touch with your friends again. I hope he hasn't alienated you from your family too.

MysteryBelle · 14/08/2023 06:37

BadgerFacedCoo · 14/08/2023 05:47

This isn't a problem I have, I'm lucky to live with people who are respectful and not thieves.

Are you that weirdo that gets moved department at work for eating others lunches out the fridge?

Show quote history

You’re a weirdo if you don’t know the difference between stealing a coworker’s lunch and having the last of the cookies in your own house.

You all are bonkers. Do you put your name on rolls of toilet paper and pens to make sure your children and spouse don’t ‘steal’ them?

Deranged.

lottiegarbanzo · 14/08/2023 06:39

He's not sorry. He's saying 'shut up' every time. 'Yes, I ate it, shut up'.

Zanatdy · 14/08/2023 06:43

He’s taking the P. Only way to stop him is labelling stuff up. I’d be leaving him, as I couldn’t live like that, having to label food for an adult who cannot stop eating other peoples food. If you spotted a Greg’s bag in the fridge with a nice filled donut, just one on its own and then spotted the usual donuts your wife buys, why would you make a decision to eat the Greg ones without checking if it belonged to someone (I mean of course someone’s bought it for themselves not him). I’d be having a serious chat with him, tell him you cannot take anymore of this, he’s greedy and entitled

andthat · 14/08/2023 06:44

@MysteryBelle what strange posts you are writing in a thread where someone is asking for help.
Doesn’t matter what you or anyone else does… the OP is making it clear that this is not ok for her.

And she’s indicated that there are other examples of controlling behaviour in the relationship.

This really has nothing to do with what you deem is ok in your house. Self centred much?

Reggieismycat · 14/08/2023 06:45

Get one of those mini fridges and a lock. My MIL who we lived with would help herself to stuff Id brought even though she had her own stuff or she could have asked me I would never have refused her. So effing annoying, of course my DH didnt think it was a problem sainted mother and all that. Grrrr!!!

HelpMeUnpickThis · 14/08/2023 06:54

EvilElsa · 14/08/2023 00:26

Have you actually told him straight that you don't want flowers, you want to eat the food that belongs to you? That it's immensely selfish, greedy and unattractive to hoard his own treats but freely steal from others? It's not even about the food for me, it's the absolute nerve of him! Ask him how he would feel. I'd still be fully tempted to fill a cake or sandwich with dog food or chilli flakes and let him suffer the consequences of taking food that isn't his, but talking it out is probably the more sensible (if less satisfying) decision.

@EvilElsa

I am glad you mentioned the word “steal” because that is exactly what it is. When you take something that you know doesn’t belong to you that is theft!

@Yoloohno - have you spoken to him and put it in those terms? What does he say? It’s deeply deeply unattractive.

Terrible role modelling for your children - we all have to have boundaries in life; we can’t just go around taking other people’s things because we like the look of them.

Has he imagined his friends/wider family knowing that wife and kids may have to resort to hiding their treats in lockboxes and chillers with padlocks away from their own father/husband. Does he see how shameful that is?

As for hoarding his own snacks in the car - that is utterly selfish. And unattractive.

@Yoloohno have you put it to him in such strong terms? Utterly disrespectful to all of you.

DustyLee123 · 14/08/2023 06:59

I hide stuff in the fridge veg drawer. He never goes in there.

Nagado · 14/08/2023 07:07

He’s not a cat. He does understand boundaries. He just doesn’t respect yours. And this thing with your friends is really concerning. You don’t need a fridge with a lock. You need some counselling to help you see that his behaviour re the friends isn’t healthy and to help you decide what to do about it. Relate do counselling for individuals as well as couples and their fee used to be dependent on your income. Please don’t accept the flowers when they arrive.

Out of curiosity, if you and your DC don’t eat his snacks, why does he stash his in his car?

lottiegarbanzo · 14/08/2023 07:08

You could padlock a 'treat cupboard' or fridge box.

But surely the bigger issue is that you live with someone who thinks he own everything (and everyone) in 'his' house.

Nagado · 14/08/2023 07:09

I pressed ‘post’ too soon. I wonder whether it’s to stop you from retaliating by taking his snacks? So he completely sees that what he’s doing is wrong.

Shoxfordian · 14/08/2023 07:12

It sounds like you have bigger issues than a doughnut op. Has he always tried to isolate you from other people? His behaviour is really disrespectful tbh - it’s not ok and you know that really. Seems like it’s the tip of a shit iceberg

anyolddinosaur · 14/08/2023 07:14

If he stashed snacks in his car take the key, take the snacks, share them with the children. He obviously has no self control and you'll have to try and teach it, with praise when he gets it right and penalties when he doesnt. He's acting like a toddler.

Eating the best doughnut, just about acceptable - eating chocolates given to you or the children, not acceptable and need to be replaced with double the amount that are then locked away where he cannot get them.

TheCatterall · 14/08/2023 07:14

Sounds like the eating is the least of your worries.

controlling your friendships etc. that would be a no go area for me. :/

3edt1134 · 14/08/2023 07:16

Are there other occasions when he struggles to control his impulses? Both myself and my daughter are like this but we have ADHD.

As we do it to each other it isn’t a big deal in our house as we understand why it has happened.,Well also pop out straight away to replace the item if we can, or we’ll replace it the next day.

lottiegarbanzo · 14/08/2023 07:18

Hang on what?

Until he decides that friend is not right and I’ll let them down.

That sentence makes no sense. Why would you let a friend down because he doesn't like them? Do you mean he decides that you will let the friend down - that you will stop seeing them? He dictates your friendships???? Fucking hell.

How sacred are you of how he'd behave if you left him?