Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fed up of my greedy husband

300 replies

Yoloohno · 13/08/2023 23:18

Once again I’ve returned home to find hex eaten something that was bought for myself or by another member of the family as a treat and left me the communal food for me to eat. Think greggs filled doughnut V Tesco jam doughnut.

As a one off fair enough but it’s time and time again. He will eat what he wants regardless of who has bought it. Gifted chocolates from clients that I’ll save, kids Easter eggs it’s fair game.

Yet his treats never make it to the communal cupboard, they either get eaten straight away or get hidden in his car.

Once again it’s sorry. It’s Sunday night and I can’t even replace what’s been eaten. Am I being unfair.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
CapEBarra · 14/08/2023 01:28

Given what you’ve just said about his views on your friendships, for him, this isn’t really about the cake or the treats. It’s about control and dominance. It’s about him asserting his dominance over you and the children by taking what he sees as rightfully his, regardless of the upset or distress it causes. He is putting you in your place. He is telling you that he deserves the best and you and the kids deserve only the scraps from the table. He even hides his own food as he doesn’t believe in sharing it. He’s telling you that his wants are more important than yours, whether that’s a kit-Kat for a friendship.

Jumbojade · 14/08/2023 01:34

My dh used to drive me mad, eating my treats. If we were shopping and I fancied some chocolate or ice-cream, I would put it in the trolley and ask him if he wanted to get anything. He almost always said no. A couple of days later, I would go to get my treat and it wouldn’t be there. When I asked him if he had eaten it, he would admit it and make up some rubbish about he thought I had changed my mind because it was still there and I hadn’t eaten it. Of course I hadn’t eaten it, I was saving it for when I wanted a treat!

It was always my fault though, as he wouldn’t have eaten it if it hadn’t been there. 🤦‍♀️ I had to get crafty with the hiding places and put the chocolate in my knicker drawer, inside my pans or in with my drill, so he wouldn’t find it. Unfortunately couldn’t do that with the ice cream, so had to get a flavour I knew he wouldn’t eat.

GrumpyOldCrone · 14/08/2023 01:40

That’s a level of disrespect that would be a dealbreaker for me.

AndyMcFlurry · 14/08/2023 01:42

Yoloohno · 14/08/2023 00:13

I know tomorrow he’ll bring me a bunch of flowers ax an apology because he’ll feel guilty.

But I can’t eat flowers, doesn’t change my hunger and disappointment.

m He isn’t bad just greedy and can’t understand boundaries.

Although my dc would appreciate the cash box. They’d sometimes prefer the cash to what they’re bought.

Of course he understand boundaries ! Does he steal from shops or from his employer? Would he be upset if you stole something like money from his wallet?

He does understand, he just doesn’t care about your feelings and doesnt think he has to respect your boundaries. Unsurprisingly this extends to other areas of your life and relationship.

rc22 · 14/08/2023 01:46

My DH is greedy like this. I went to pay for petrol a couple of weeks ago and there was a box of mint twirls on the counter. I bought DH and I one each. He ate his as soon as I got home. I put mine in the fridge. I went to get it to have with a coffee a couple of days later and it was gone!! I went ballistic!!
I am a teacher and currently have lots of chocolates that were end of term gifts from children in my class. I have told him to keep his hands off and that when I open them, I will share them. He's nagging constantly for them to be opened now!

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 14/08/2023 02:04

So his stealing of everyone's food is just one aspect of his cuntish behaviour then?

Sounds like he thinks the world revolves around him and you are there only to facilitate his happiness. Your friends don't make him happy so he doesn't want you to have them. Your treats only make you happy if he gets to eat them.

Has he EVER been happy for you?

JaneorEleven · 14/08/2023 02:07

Yoloohno · 14/08/2023 01:02

Every female friend I have has always been a cheater, not been right, can’t socialise for whatever reason he chooses.

I dare to comment the same about his friends and he makes out like I’m a controlling nutcase despite them being so much worse.

Show quote history

You’ve got much bigger problems than stealing treats.

CrazyArmadilloLady · 14/08/2023 02:13

So why are you even with such a loser, OP?

Oh right, you love him (FML, why??), the kids, as nauseam…. 😔

VeganStar · 14/08/2023 02:18

I’d have smooshed the other doughnut all over his face. 🤬cunt.

Ampharos · 14/08/2023 02:21

This isn’t normal and it’s concerning how many posters have replied with responses where it’s happening to them as well.

Any normal person wouldn’t eat someone else’s “treats”. Or they’d ask if you minded if they had one.

As others have said, if it was a one off that’s one thing. But constantly? It’s just showing a complete lack of respect for you and the kids.

Only you can decide if there’s other factors at play here (from your update it sounds like there is) and make a decision based on that.

But in the meantime, I’d stop buying treats in. Tell the kids if they want something to keep it in their rooms hidden away (obviously something safe to be at room temp). Same for yourself. But make sure there’s nothing available to him. He can’t eat what isn’t there. If he wants a treat, he can get off his lazy arse, go to the shop and buy one. And make sure every time he goes, everyone puts in an order for what they’d like and they take it off him.

I’d imagine the inconvenience of having to leave the house every time he fancies a biscuit will soon sort out his inability to not eat everyone else’s food.

That, or just buy shit he doesn’t like.

If he wants to act like a toddler, treat him like one.

MysteryBelle · 14/08/2023 02:40

I regret giving my husband the last packet of chocolate chip cookies tonight. I was feeling generous and let him in on my secret stash. 😩

MysteryBelle · 14/08/2023 02:43

I hide my snacks, Op. That is the solution. I’m the one who can’t be trusted around certain snacks but my family have never gotten upset at me. At least that I know of 😱

Ampharos · 14/08/2023 02:50

MysteryBelle · 14/08/2023 02:43

I hide my snacks, Op. That is the solution. I’m the one who can’t be trusted around certain snacks but my family have never gotten upset at me. At least that I know of 😱

Why though? Why can’t your family trust you won’t eat their snacks?

I just find this all really quite childish to be honest. I guarantee you wouldn’t help yourself to a colleagues lunch in work, so why do it to your own family?

You can help yourself, you just choose not to. It’s not a cute quirky trait to have, it’s just really selfish and weird.

Devilrocknroller · 14/08/2023 02:55

Buy another dougnut and syringe in an unholy amount of wasabi and just wait for him to eat it

Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 14/08/2023 02:58

Buy two treats. Drop one on the toilet floor take a photo then throw it out. The put an identical one in the fridge with a note saying please don’t eat. When he eats it print the picture and stick it on the fridge.

JoanOfAllTrades · 14/08/2023 03:00

Oblomov23 · 14/08/2023 01:07

Why you don't stand up for yourself I don't get. But now you are posting about friends not being good enough. LTB or do something, and thus stop complaining.

How supportive! Perhaps give actual suggestions instead of complaining about OP complaining!

Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 14/08/2023 03:00

I would get a lock put on one of the cupboards. Maybe a code lock and you and the kids know the code. Also look at how you could put something lockable in the fridge.

JoanOfAllTrades · 14/08/2023 03:22

@Yoloohno, I am going to tell you what I would tell my own daughter!

Suggestions such as hiding treats, or locking them away, are things you do when you can’t trust someone!

To be contemplating doing this @Yoloohno, surely you can see that your husband is a thief! And worse, he only steals from the people he is supposed to support and help - his family!

Right now, we know he steals the treats belonging to the rest of the family members, he steals your friendships and ultimately your time, because he wants you sitting in the house with your children and he’s stolen the joy out of your life!

None of the above shows his love, care, and respect for you but rather his complete lack of regard, love, and care for you all, including his own children!

You say he isn’t bad, but he doesn’t understand boundaries, so okay, let’s look at what not understanding boundaries is:

  1. some stranger in a shop, or on the street, the pub, wherever, upsets him and/or makes him angry. Lack of boundaries means he starts hitting them - how often does this happen?
  2. he doesn’t have enough money this week due to buying something, and he’s sees a work colleagues bag or wallet. Lack of boundaries means he steals from them - how often does this happen?
  3. he sees an attractive person in the pub/bar/wherever he drinks with his friends and decides he’d like to spend some private time with them. They reject him and say no - lack of boundaries means he takes his private time with them, regardless of what they say - how often does this happen?

Can you see that the pattern here is that he only lacks boundaries when he’s at home, with you and the dc?

Unless of course, he is doing this things above, in which case, treats are the least of your problems!

You talk about your work. Does he work? If not, why not? Does he believe that you should support him and he has no responsibility at all?

Only you can decide what’s right for your family, no one else, but do you really want your dc either growing up thinking that they can do whatever they like in life or even worse, being inured to this type of psychological, emotional, and mental abuse that they repeat this cycle in their own lives?

Please think carefully about your life and the life you want your dc to have.

LittleMrsPretty · 14/08/2023 03:23

Why do you buy treats just for yourself? Why dot buy 2 one for you one for him?

JennyJenny8675309 · 14/08/2023 03:34

TheShellBeach · 13/08/2023 23:31

OP if it's in the house it's fair game IMO.
Anyone can eat anything in my house.

Sounds like a recipe for trouble.

MysteryBelle · 14/08/2023 03:53

JoanOfAllTrades · 14/08/2023 03:22

@Yoloohno, I am going to tell you what I would tell my own daughter!

Suggestions such as hiding treats, or locking them away, are things you do when you can’t trust someone!

To be contemplating doing this @Yoloohno, surely you can see that your husband is a thief! And worse, he only steals from the people he is supposed to support and help - his family!

Right now, we know he steals the treats belonging to the rest of the family members, he steals your friendships and ultimately your time, because he wants you sitting in the house with your children and he’s stolen the joy out of your life!

None of the above shows his love, care, and respect for you but rather his complete lack of regard, love, and care for you all, including his own children!

You say he isn’t bad, but he doesn’t understand boundaries, so okay, let’s look at what not understanding boundaries is:

  1. some stranger in a shop, or on the street, the pub, wherever, upsets him and/or makes him angry. Lack of boundaries means he starts hitting them - how often does this happen?
  2. he doesn’t have enough money this week due to buying something, and he’s sees a work colleagues bag or wallet. Lack of boundaries means he steals from them - how often does this happen?
  3. he sees an attractive person in the pub/bar/wherever he drinks with his friends and decides he’d like to spend some private time with them. They reject him and say no - lack of boundaries means he takes his private time with them, regardless of what they say - how often does this happen?

Can you see that the pattern here is that he only lacks boundaries when he’s at home, with you and the dc?

Unless of course, he is doing this things above, in which case, treats are the least of your problems!

You talk about your work. Does he work? If not, why not? Does he believe that you should support him and he has no responsibility at all?

Only you can decide what’s right for your family, no one else, but do you really want your dc either growing up thinking that they can do whatever they like in life or even worse, being inured to this type of psychological, emotional, and mental abuse that they repeat this cycle in their own lives?

Please think carefully about your life and the life you want your dc to have.

L O L

MysteryBelle · 14/08/2023 04:00

Ampharos · 14/08/2023 02:50

Why though? Why can’t your family trust you won’t eat their snacks?

I just find this all really quite childish to be honest. I guarantee you wouldn’t help yourself to a colleagues lunch in work, so why do it to your own family?

You can help yourself, you just choose not to. It’s not a cute quirky trait to have, it’s just really selfish and weird.

Show quote history

You all are kind of acting like psychos, going on rampages over family members occasionally eating your snacks. Threatening divorce, accusing them of being criminals, like they’ve committed treason or something. 😄

The families of these psychos must walk on eggshells and obey every edict or else. Pretty scary. Chocolate dictators 😂

Ponderingwindow · 14/08/2023 04:08

Would he respect labeled food?
if food is in the kitchen, it’s not always clear it is special. Write someone’s name on it and then it’s clear it is off limits.

Newnamehiwhodis · 14/08/2023 04:14

I’m wondering if he does it because he knows it’s something you want. If that’s the case, it’s darker behavior than it appears on the surface.

does he withhold things from you ?

get some things you don’t care about for a while, and tell him that’s yours and you are looking forward to having it after work. See what he does.

it’s just an important distinction to make: is this a person with a food / sweets control problem, (which isn’t personal about you - it’s a problem of his own) or is this a person who needs to have power over you.

user1492757084 · 14/08/2023 04:27

All spit on your treats, as soon as you get them.

Bulk purchase lockable (with a code) metal security boxes.
Quite seriously, you need to arm yourselves for battle.
Lock up all that you don't wish to share. Everything else is first in, best dressed.
Make sure the kids learn to snatch communal treats that your husband has his eye on.

You will have to have Let's All Share Hour once a week to teach your children the polite skill of passing around and sharing treats together.