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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fed up of my greedy husband

300 replies

Yoloohno · 13/08/2023 23:18

Once again I’ve returned home to find hex eaten something that was bought for myself or by another member of the family as a treat and left me the communal food for me to eat. Think greggs filled doughnut V Tesco jam doughnut.

As a one off fair enough but it’s time and time again. He will eat what he wants regardless of who has bought it. Gifted chocolates from clients that I’ll save, kids Easter eggs it’s fair game.

Yet his treats never make it to the communal cupboard, they either get eaten straight away or get hidden in his car.

Once again it’s sorry. It’s Sunday night and I can’t even replace what’s been eaten. Am I being unfair.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Graasspp · 14/08/2023 08:19

I do not get the Greg's vs tesco donut example...
Is one of those significant better than the other?

Fraaahnces · 14/08/2023 08:24

There is a lot going on isn’t there. The entitlement and greediness is one thing. (And yes, it’s intolerable. He has no respect for you or your kids and absolutely no conscience.)
The dodgy friends…? Like attracts like.
Telling you that your female friends are all cheaters..? Projection.
A man who has zero impulse control and no conscience wouldn’t be someone I would trust to be faithful with all those dots joined up. My guess is he’s hit on every one of those women he’s criticized.

TroysMammy · 14/08/2023 08:24

I hide stuff, I have a tin of rice pudding in the cupboard in the shower room. Mini chocolate bars in a glasses case and I keep my crisps in work. I've just found out he's opened a carton of fancy custard just to eat with bananas.

He's bloody diabetic with a sweet tooth and no self control. I'd love to be a fly on the wall when he has his diabetic review with his surgery.

justasking111 · 14/08/2023 08:25

I've hidden stuff for decades OH has a very sweet tooth, but would be cross if anyone touched his cheese. I've hidden stuff in wardrobes in the spare room, in my office. It's nice to have treats when visitors come or my skinny son who was studying all hours needed snacks. Now I have grandchildren so hide stuff for them. I don't have a sweet tooth.

PlasticineKing · 14/08/2023 08:26

You’ve written multiple threads about this. You need to give him an ultimatum and make an actual change. He doesn’t respect you or your children.

Either that or you are a food control troll

CwmYoy · 14/08/2023 08:26

Does this cunt bring any joy into your life?

JenWillsiam · 14/08/2023 08:31

TheShellBeach · 13/08/2023 23:31

OP if it's in the house it's fair game IMO.
Anyone can eat anything in my house.

What?! So you never buy yourself a special treat or no one ever buys you one?

C8H10N4O2 · 14/08/2023 08:31

Yoloohno · 14/08/2023 01:02

Every female friend I have has always been a cheater, not been right, can’t socialise for whatever reason he chooses.

I dare to comment the same about his friends and he makes out like I’m a controlling nutcase despite them being so much worse.

Show quote history

Is this an adult male we are talking about or a particularly self absorbed, attention seeking 14 year old acting out?

Manipulating and disrupting food availability, especially items belonging to others in the home, is one of the commoner behaviours reported by victims of abuse further down the line. The oh I'm soo sorry it will never happen again (until next time)" is also part of the pattern.

Do you want to spend the next 30 years with this? As you say, the odd occasion might be an error, persistent behaviour and trying to separate you from your friends is not.

Isthisit22 · 14/08/2023 08:32

Yoloohno · 14/08/2023 00:52

That’s it, I want to come home after a weekend of work to eat what I bought.

it is disrespectful, the fact he chose what he wanted while I’m working, he will never choose the inferior option.

So many times he’ll turn round and say I stop him doing things despite he has a great social life and I’m one at work. Usually follows I do something social with a female. Until he decides that friend is not right and I’ll let them down.

But his horrible friends are ok. Cheating men who pass stds on are ok, but he hates the fact that we couldn’t afford a stag do with them.

Show quote history

Oh dear, you have much bigger problems than his greed.
He’s vile- start making plans to leave.

CrazyArmadilloLady · 14/08/2023 08:33

Graasspp · 14/08/2023 08:19

I do not get the Greg's vs tesco donut example...
Is one of those significant better than the other?

Glad I’m not the only one wondering this. Grin

I can’t fathom which of the two is meant to be superior!

JanieEyre · 14/08/2023 08:38

If he's stopping you seeing your friends, you have much bigger problems than a lost batch of chocolates. Start talking to Women's Aid about leaving.

rookiemere · 14/08/2023 08:40

grassverge · 14/08/2023 08:01

This type of problem always reminds me of an episode of come dine with me. A woman had planned her menu, which involved eggs, she bought all the ingredients. An hour before everyone arrived her husband decided to have a 6 egg omelette. She had to go door to door asking her neighbours for eggs. I always thought it was far more than thoughtlessness on her husbands part.

Yes agreed.
I did one of those cooking delivery things for a while and I'm quite anal, so it was important to me that the pepper that came in the delivery was the one I used in the meal.

DH was like a herd of elephants and it felt almost deliberate the way he would try and use up items for a specific recipe. I'm not sure he did it consciously deliberately, but it felt like more than a coincidence.

He doesn't steal my chocolate though ( although not eating any now as off sugar) he knows better than that.

mrsm43s · 14/08/2023 08:42

DiningRoomDrama · 14/08/2023 07:28

One hell of a drip-feed! But going back to the doughnuts… if you really want to go to war with your husband over cheap doughnuts ts, go ahead. Here’s how we do it in our house, just for a suggestion. We are married. We are a family. We don’t have “my food”, “his food”, etc. If my mum were to buy me chocolates for my birthday I would immediately share them. Likewise if I were to receive a box of chocolates from a client. As would my husband (although less likely to happen to him as his mother is dead and he took early retirement). We enjoy sharing things like that. I don’t “buy myself a treat”. We buy one for everyone. There would be doughnuts for everyone. We also don’t have separate money. So we never have the “I bought this for myself” situation. That died with the end of my flat-sharing days at university. Hiding food in your car is not healthy behaviour in a marriage. But it seems there are are bigger problems in your marriage than who ate which doughnut.

I agree there are much bigger issues in this marriage than the food, but I must admit, my first thought was "who on earth buys themselves a fancy doughnut and only basic Tesco doughnuts for the rest of the family - what a selfish thing to do!". Our family works very much as DiningRoomDrama's family above - everyone shares everything or we buy one for everyone. Only exception is the children's Christmas chocolate, I guess, but they keep those in their own rooms, and we have plenty of Christmas treat food out for everyone to share. I doubt if everyone gets exactly equal shares of every item in our family, but we all have treats when we want them. However, in this particular scenario, I think the food sharing or lack thereof is a red herring. The issue is continuous disrespect.

willWillSmithsmith · 14/08/2023 08:44

LardoBurrows · 13/08/2023 23:33

By now I would have left several treats filled with various delicacies such as ex-lax, cat food, dog shit and rancid pork, anything really that makes him think twice before troughing his way through everyone else's food.

No you wouldn’t. That’s gross and probably illegal.

Nanny0gg · 14/08/2023 08:44

TheShellBeach · 13/08/2023 23:31

OP if it's in the house it's fair game IMO.
Anyone can eat anything in my house.

That's your house.

So does that mean that if your children get given Easter eggs or Christmas chocs anyone can eat them without asking?

Is everything a free-for-all? Clothes? Toiletries? If not, why not?

Mirabai · 14/08/2023 08:44

Yoloohno · 14/08/2023 01:02

Every female friend I have has always been a cheater, not been right, can’t socialise for whatever reason he chooses.

I dare to comment the same about his friends and he makes out like I’m a controlling nutcase despite them being so much worse.

Show quote history

Is there a reason you focused on doughnuts in the OP and not the coercive control?

anotherday11 · 14/08/2023 08:45

Mothership4two · 14/08/2023 08:09

Bit dramatic @anotherday11! But if it is that or go without I'll opt for the box. My locked box is see-through so DS can see exactly what he shouldn't be snaffling. You shouldn't have to go to these resorts, but it's a bit harsh to then get the blame!

How is it dramatic? Do you not realise how dysfunctional it is to have a locked box full of snacks/treats because your son (I presume you meant son and not husband in your post) has no self control?!

You’ve clearly made a massive parenting fail somewhere along the lines to have raised a child to have no respect for others boundaries and things that you now have to lock away food to deter them from stealing it.

Nanny0gg · 14/08/2023 08:47

Jumbojade · 14/08/2023 01:34

My dh used to drive me mad, eating my treats. If we were shopping and I fancied some chocolate or ice-cream, I would put it in the trolley and ask him if he wanted to get anything. He almost always said no. A couple of days later, I would go to get my treat and it wouldn’t be there. When I asked him if he had eaten it, he would admit it and make up some rubbish about he thought I had changed my mind because it was still there and I hadn’t eaten it. Of course I hadn’t eaten it, I was saving it for when I wanted a treat!

It was always my fault though, as he wouldn’t have eaten it if it hadn’t been there. 🤦‍♀️ I had to get crafty with the hiding places and put the chocolate in my knicker drawer, inside my pans or in with my drill, so he wouldn’t find it. Unfortunately couldn’t do that with the ice cream, so had to get a flavour I knew he wouldn’t eat.

Don't you think that if you have to resort to those tactics then you have a bigger problem than 'treats'?

UniversalAunt · 14/08/2023 08:51

The more I read this thread, the less I’d bother with him.

He sounds like a petty selfish greedy controlling git.

You & your children deserve better.

VictoriaVenkman · 14/08/2023 08:51

This is not about the treats, this is about power and control. By eating what is yours and what he knows you want as a treat he is showing you he is top dog in the house.

Mothership4two · 14/08/2023 08:52

oh f off @anotherday11 do you come on MN just to be nasty? Are you overly dramatic like this IRL?

BarbaraV · 14/08/2023 08:55

What was the treat and what did he leave you?

WisherWood · 14/08/2023 08:56

Mothership4two · 14/08/2023 08:09

Yes it does ring a bell @DrinkFeckArseBrick

Do you mean this thread? https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4839813-dh-helps-himself-to-other-peoples-things-without-asking?page=1
Similar. And the OP did look like she was planning to leave. As with the OP, once you dug it was about more than chocolate. It was about the lack of boundaries and respect.

DH helps himself to other people’s things without asking | Mumsnet

At the end of my tether with DH he is constantly taking other family me stuff without asking and either lies that it was him or says he will replace...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4839813-dh-helps-himself-to-other-peoples-things-without-asking?page=1

JFDIYOLO · 14/08/2023 08:57

There's a lot more to this than snack nicking. It's the tip of the iceberg.

BCBird · 14/08/2023 09:03

How selfish. This is the sort of thing thst eould sometimes happen when I was ensnared student accommodation 🙈I live alone now so not an issue. I don't hsve a healthy relationship with food but when i am sharing space with others,e.g on holiday i can regulate whether i eat someone else's food or not. He is a selfish git. I can understand ge rage, I would feel the same.