To think most people do not 'obsess' over why a woman is childfree?

[Eastie77Returns]

I know several women in their late 30s/early 40s who do not have children. I know one is not childfree by choice (close friend) but have no idea about the others apart from two who have actively chosen to share that they have never wanted kids. I do not spend any time at all wondering why the others do not have children. I assume they don't want them or, as is sadly the case of my friend, are unable to but it isn't something I dwell on or speculate about.

I've read multiple columnists in newspapers and articles in magazines in which child free women declare that the public at large, and mothers in particular, are 'obsessesed' with women who do not have children and it's exhausting having to constantly explain why you do not have any etc. They are fed up with the general assumption that they are selfish, career-mad, horrible child haters and this sentiment mostly comes from women who have kids. I have DC as do most of my friends. In my 10 years as a parent I have never had a conversation with any of them about 'selfish' childless women. Most of us completely understand why someone would prefer not to have kids!

I might be alone in thinking this but I honestly don't think most people really care about a woman's childbearing status. Obviously there are many ridiculous individuals who think it's ok to question a woman's choice and trott out BS like "you've never known true love/what tiredness really is until...." but I honestly think they are in the minority and the majority of mothers do not really care. Or am I being naive? My friends who are childfree by choice tell me they have occasionally been asked if they have kids but with rare exceptions have not been asked why not or any other follow up questions.

I have not wanted children for almost 40 years and I am consistently told by people I will change my mind. 1 month ago I was told by some acquaintances i still had time and if I could only find the right man they're sure I would change my mind.

I expect when I'm beyond child bearing age it will stop but for now people really think they know better. Me saying "it's not happening, I will not have a child, I'm not interested in a relationship," falls on deaf ears. I really don't think I could be clearer.

Appreciate some posters here may not care but in my experience people genuinely can't believe you are happy single and child free, no matter how clear you are with them.

I don’t have any motivation beyond gauging other people’s opinions. I mean, this a a public forum where anyone can ask questions. I don’t have any kind of ulterior motive beyond a general interest in a topic related to women. My opinion is no more or less ‘relevant’ than anyone else’s.

You’re right in that perhaps I don’t fully understand the point you’re making.

I don't think about someone remaining child-free/-less any more than I'd sit around ruminating on why a friend chose to have one child, or any they only have 3 instead of 4. Other women's reproductive decisions are none of my business.

If a friend shares something in their circumstances or their reasons for their situation then I would have appropriate empathy obviously, but otherwise I don't give thought to it.

To be fair, most people don’t obsess over it. But those who do are so fucking awful that it sticks in your memory and it’s easy to think they represent the majority. When you’re told “You don’t know love until you’ve had a child”, “You’ll be lonely when you’re old” or “You’ll regret it” (note: every one of these has been said to me) it’s very easy to fear that conversations are going to lead into this emotional minefield because comments like this are bloody horrible. Yes, the people who say these things are grade A cunts but that doesn’t make it any easier to deal with.

And you’ve only got to look at the people who plop themselves onto threads on the Childfree Mumsnetters board to tell us why we’re selfish/missing out/defective to see that, sadly, these views aren’t entirely uncommon.

I mean isn't it a bit like starting a thread saying "I've read loads of articles by people who claim to have experienced racism, but none of my friends feel that way, so what's the big deal?".

Glad I'm not the only one to think it

As a childfree woman myself, I can say I have had some odd and intrusive comments/questions from people I hardly knew. "But who will look after you when you're old?" or "It's selfish not having children" and most often "you'll change your mind" or, after congratulating a woman when she told me she had just found out she was pregnant "Why do you care? You don't even like children!" and I'd never said any such thing, only that I didn't want to have any (I was 34 at the time).

Once, a total stranger at a bus stop asked if I had children, I said no. She said 'it's not too late you could still have IVF'. I was just...stunned into silence. I was 41 at the time.

I’d agree with that. I was happily childfree till I was almost 40, and parenthood doesn’t particularly factor in my friendships with people with or without children, apart from the few friends I’ve made because our children are friends.

It's not something I'd give any thought to as I'd see it as none of my business. But before we had ds, we were at a wedding and the table we were sat with (none of whom we'd met before) were doggedly asking questions about why we had no children yet, did we want children, when would we try for children etc etc and when we tried to be vague they repeatedly asked again anyway. So I can see that there are people out there who can't see why it's not an appropriate question to ask.

And yes to all this. Then, when I did have a child, the same type of people were horrified I wasn’t planning a second. One wasn’t ‘enough’, I suspect because it looked suspiciously easy.

Childfree and late 30s here. I certainly couldn't care less about whether people have kids or not. But as soon as I hit 35, certain people began asking probing and inappropriate questions about it though.

Particularly from:

1. MIL, who is a very conservative 60s housewife type. Seems to feel embarrassed and left out that she doesn't have grandkids she can show off to all her friends who have grandkids?
2. DP's grandma, makes it clear she thinks it's my sole purpose in life... has delusions that I would make a great SAHM, which would be financially impossible!
3. A lot of family members/people we meet over the age of 50
4. A manager at my work who has 4 kids and keeps asking if I think I'll end up having kids, practically on a weekly basis
5. Couple of school friends who had kids young and seem somewhat baffled (and a little repulsed?!) by me not wanting kids

I have very complex reasons for not wanting kids, it's been a tough choice, I don't want to keep being grilled about it when I've made it clear my decision is made.

As a childfree woman myself, I can say I have had some odd and intrusive comments/questions from people I hardly knew. "But who will look after you when you're old?" or "It's selfish not having children" and most often "you'll change your mind" or, after congratulating a woman when she told me she had just found out she was pregnant "Why do you care? You don't even like children!" and I'd never said any such thing, only that I didn't want to have any (I was 34 at the time).
That's so unpleasant. Sorry you had to deal with that.

Predictably this has become a thread dominated by child-free women telling the rest of us that we actually ARE obsessed with them and their very special specialness.

Yanbu op.

You sound bitter.

Ethnic and religious communities, for example

Try re-reading my posts.

I’ve stated several times that I’m fully aware that child free women have to deal with intrusive questions, crappy comments, suspicion etc and it is 100% a big deal.

Well the third poster on this thread for one.

I have been getting questions about my child free eldest for about fifteen years. She said that she can't wait to hit 40, the intrusiveness, put downs and pity might stop. My Son in law also gets it. I've been supervising my youngest DD's house renovations. She's removed radiators. One of the builders couldn't get his head around her not wanting children and seemed convinced that she will change her mind and need extra heating.
When I had one child, I found women who had 3+ insufferable. I had Single mum friends in the 80's who were demonised, as we all know. Women can't win.

There’s something quite odd about a mum starting a thread about how much she doesn’t care about CF women and what they do, and asking CF women to explain why we think mums think otherwise.

You clearly do care - if only to question and/or minimise our experience - so your very thread defeats the purpose of your question.

(I could give a long list of rude things that’ve been said or asked of me but I can’t be arsed. The best two are a colleague reacting to my having a lifesaving hysterectomy with “I’d rather have died than not had my kids, how do you cope with this?”, and a different colleague suggesying that people with kids don’t need annual leave as they have weekends; so they should get 1 week and parents should get double their current amount.

It’s not everyone but some people are vile.)

I've found a clear difference between the normal making-conversation types you described and the but-don't-you-want-baybeeeees sorts - and I have encountered idiots of the latter type too often over the years! Same category who can't fathom that a woman is happy without a man, usually. 🙄

I haven’t asked child free women to explain a single thing or their opinion on what mums think. The question in my OP was not specifically directed to any particular group of women.

As it happens, several child free women responded and said no-one has ever questioned their child free status. And some responded and disagreed with my points, stating that society is in fact fixated with women who don’t have children. Isn’t that the point of a discussion board? I was writing my opinion and asked others for theirs. I’m not attempting to minimise anyone’s experience.

It’s true that I don’t care what child free women do. I don’t care what women with children do either. It’s none of my business.