To think a house guest shouldn’t be parenting your kids?

[evuscha]

We had my DH’s friend staying with us for a few days, she’s single and childless in her early 50’s though claims that she knows everything about kids because she was a nanny when she was young. The whole time she wouldn’t get off my 4yo DD’s case, constantly reprimanding her for every little thing, saying things like “don’t you ever do that again” then saying it to my DH as a funny story later became of “how terrified” my DD looked at her….constantly throwing little digs like “oh you don’t give her time outs” or “oh she gets to pick which songs you listen to in a car?” (we take turns btw sometimes our music sometimes kids songs, apparently that’s appalling 😀) I’m expecting #2 soon so more digs like “oh I thought that was planned/wanted” whenever I said it will probably be tough or something along those lines.

I did speak up and stood up for my DD but none of my comments helped and I feel like it’s DH’s job to put HIS friend in her place? I would certainly be having stern words if my family/friends did that. I also have friends whose kids in my opinion get away with more than my DD but I would never dream of bossing their kids around (beyond the basic keeping everyone safe) in front of them? AIBU?

I wouldn't parent another child in their home, unless it was a safety issue or they were hurting my chold or property.

However, I do parent one of my friends kids in my home because if I didn't my house would get destroyed. The kid is lovley, but just so destructive!

This does sound unkind and unnecessary. For me with my nephew if it’s the millionth time I’m listening to his song then I might say what she said but generally I’d say yes!

She really does sound unpleasant though not taking an interest in your child at all. Yes not everyone likes kids or has them but at least they can be nice and take an interest. All my DP’s friends who are family friends and don’t have kids have generally taken an interest and were willing pleasant with us as kids, that’s normal.

I would maybe get your DH to speak to her and say unless she changes her attitude towards your DD when she visits then sadly no more visits. She may change her quite frankly immature and outdated attitude then.

I don’t think she will change tbh, no matter what is said to her, she has always been this opinionated mouthy “tells it like it is” person and despite claiming to have tons of experience with kids (as a nanny more than 20 years ago, that makes her qualified to think she would be a great parent) she also likes to keep this “I’m too cool for having kids, they’re obnoxious” persona up. All those digs and comments were so that 1. We could see she really didn’t want kids (though she simply never met anyone so it wasn’t by choice) and 2. She knows better than us/anyone.

I understand that’s who she is and why, but am still annoyed by it, mostly because I know I should have done more to stop it and protect DD.

She isn’t “parenting”, she’s being deliberately unkind.
Did your dh know her long before you had dd? Her behaviour is the kind of thing that would put me right off a friend, however long I’d know them.
She clearly is performing her “I can’t stand kids” persona deliberately as you say. If this had been my former friend, upsetting my young child for no reason would be a a no-no in my house, a line not to be crossed. I honestly wouldn’t host her again. There is a big difference between correcting bad behaviour and being gratuitously nasty.
Does your dh actually still like her?

I don't think a visitor should be doing any parenting of your child and tbh I would tell her so .

My heart broke for your sweet little girl reading all of your posts, OP, especially especially your last handful of posts. That 'friend' is a hateful pos who is either bitterly miserable about not having kids so is taking it out on her, or is truly an awful person. Or perhaps both. One thing for sure; I'd NEVER associate with her ever again, let alone having at your home. And if I were you if my husband still wanted to be friends with her after all of this, our marriage would be pretty rocky.

That is a question I keep asking my DH, what good does she bring to his life - because half of the time she also spends making digs at him (in a jokey way to me) - how he’s too anxious, too quiet, not adventurous enough blabla (to me my DH is actually a lovely kind calm person)…. I was going to ask her why is she friends with him then if he’s that bad? - but ultimately decided it’s also up to him to decide what bothers him from his friends, or who his friends are. (majority of his friends are nice people who always agree with me he’s lovely) My DH could certainly do with more self esteem which is also likely why he didn’t stand up to her. I did tell him though he needs to draw a line where the digs are aimed at DD/us as a couple or parents, and that I do not wish to see her again.

I know, partly why I keep posting because I know deep down I failed my DD and I feel bad I didn’t stand up to her more. (tears in my eyes now actually but yes I am also pregnant/hormonal)
I did make my feelings clear to DH, she’s not staying here again or seeing DD again, and I’m certainly not in a mood for comments along the lines of “why did you have 2 kids when you could barely manage one” next time.
I’m not telling him who he should be friends with, he’s known her for 20 years, but I did make it clear a friend like this would be out of my life a long time ago. (she has a habit of making digs at DH too)

“why did you have 2 kids when you could barely manage one”

HOW DARE SHE. And how could your husband tolerate that.

Don’t feel you failed your dd! Your husband is the one who should have pulled her up since she’s his friend. Fair enough if he wants to let her make nasty little digs at him, but he should be standing up for his child.

You’re being way stronger than most people in telling him that you won’t be hosting her again or letting her see dd. Stay firm and don’t let him pretend she isn’t all that bad.

I wish I could come round and listen to your DD’s little songs and hold her sticky little hand! And now I sound like a weirdo

Hopefully this is now something that’s in the past.

And I also want to add - it wasn’t even as much that she needed somewhere to stay or wanted free accommodation - she was in the area and extended her trip to spend time with us (and besides she has the budget to stay at nice hotels) - specifically going out of her way to see us as a family. (although yes we also live in a tourist spot so was also nice for her to stay here) So that confused me even more, why making that effort to come and see the whole family then complain about the child the whole time?

Surely you know by now, that the wisest, kindest, most effective parents, with all the answers are those who have never actually had any kids!
Nannying is simply not the same as parenting. The emotional ties, family dynamics, outside pressures etc etc are not there.

I hope I will stay strong because it probably will be another year til she’s in our area again and by then I might suddenly feel more forgiving or forget how this made us feel. But I really hope not, my DH did acknowledge she’s not to stay here again. (though will probably just make some excuses rather than tell her exactly why)

And thank you - my DD is amazing if I say so myself, I think I’ve done a decent job as her mum and apart from this lady I only get positive feedback on her and her behavior (from school, other friends and family, teachers at her dance/gymnastics classes etc) so she really can’t be that horrible!

Even on this thread some PPs suggested it’s arrogant to think childless people can’t give parenting advice.

My older sister is my favorite example - prior to having kids she was the first one to criticize other people’s “spoiled brats” and hand out parenting advice. Now she has a 4yr old who totally rules their household - funny how that works.
(and yes I was judgy pre-kids too but mostly quietly, I think)

Ah, a ‘tell it like it is’ person. It’s just code for mean-spirited, bitter pillock with no social skills.

DH friend sounds like know-it-all pain in the arse.

Definitely. I hate those ‘take ma as you find me’ people.

I agree with you
It's rude and it certainly isn't up to her to discipline your child

I'm kind of side-eyeing your DH now Op, why allow someone critique your life and your family unchecked like that?! DD is DH's too - and that witch was very hurtful to a small child. Where is his need to protect DD.

Yes I explained it to him and he agrees with me now although I’m not sure how much of it is to avoid the argument with me and how much he really understands it’s an issue.
He is extremely easy going, mellow, avoiding conflicts, self deprecating even and is able to ignore her digs at him (I don’t know why because he’s actually a great successful accomplished person and he had a very positive upbringing, in-laws are supportive if a bit overbearing). I did tell him it is up to him when it comes to digs at him but he really needs to do better when it comes to digs at DD/us. (then again I didn’t stand up to her more firmly either, I certainly am still learning with my own people pleasing drama avoiding tendencies).

She sounds completely awful - I cannot imagine why your DH would want to be friends with her. I mean genuinely what on earth does he gain from her friendship? Is it a long standing one? Has she always been a massive cow or is this a new thing?

Always this kind of dynamic and always a “tell it like it is” person. They’ve been friends for 20+ years. I did say a friend like this would be out of my life a long time ago but ultimately it’s up to him who he’s friends with and what behaviors he accepts from them unless that behavior is aimed at DD/us as a family.

But also this time she was significantly worse than usual and really ramped up that “oh kids are so annoying” wannabe cool attitude.
Though part of it is that last time we saw her was at her place (and I respect the “your house your rules” so didn’t see her correcting DD as that bad), and before that, well DD was an extremely easy baby, hardly crying happy to be held by anyone - if god forbid she showed some of that normal baby behavior, we would probably get comments and issues back then too.

My SIL is like this. On one occasion when DC’s we’re probably 5 & 3 she told them off for climbing on their daddy. She had no kids of her own and was a cross between Miss Trunchbull and a miserable old witch. DH couldn’t or wouldn’t chastise her so I stopped inviting her over outside of birthday’s etc.

You can see how much people hate kids on here from a lot of the responses after the elaborations. This friend of your DH is obviously a controlling who enjoys upsetting you, your DH and you DD and yet people are here defending her.
She sounds like the type of person who tells little girls that they are sitting wrong, breathing wrong, eating wrong, smiling wrong, etc. old fashioned nonsense made up by bored busybodies with nothing else to do but nit pick others.

Yes some responses definitely surprised me, what’s even more surprising is I have 10% people voting YABU on this poll, so I don’t know? Maybe that many people are really fine if a random guests reprimands their kids for every little thing, in their own house right in front of them?
I did make this post because DH also at first thought I was being unreasonable (so I wasn’t sure if I was just crazy hormonal) though he now claims to agree with me.