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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset about this

190 replies

Tillie84 · 12/08/2023 22:14

Just been watching Casino Royal with DH.
I turned to DH and said “i wish I looked like Eva Green”. He said nothing and then I said “it would be good wouldn’t it?”
DH said “yes that would be good if you looked like Eva Green”.
I said “wrong answer”
DH then said “I don’t understand what I’ve done wrong here, you said it would be good if you looked like Eva Green and I agreed”
I then said I was going to bed and just left. He hasn’t moved or come to see me.
AIBU to be upset about this?! DH knows I’ve been upset about my weight recently, I’ve been having some issues with anxiety, just yesterday was prescribed medication from GP relating to anxiety issues. Guess I just thought DH might reassure me I look fine as I am but I guess not :(
or am I being stupid/over reacting etc ??

OP posts:
readingmynightaway · 15/08/2023 04:38

Be happy in your own skin
Appreciate you have a partner and leave out the games seriously.
Anxiety takes a lot for a partner to get familiar with as well as yourself.
Have good sleeps as you adjust it will take weeks, nuture your relationship, do not sabotage it!

Original poster
Tillie84 · 15/08/2023 07:26

readingmynightaway · 15/08/2023 04:38

Be happy in your own skin
Appreciate you have a partner and leave out the games seriously.
Anxiety takes a lot for a partner to get familiar with as well as yourself.
Have good sleeps as you adjust it will take weeks, nuture your relationship, do not sabotage it!

Thank you

OP posts:
Davestwattymissus · 15/08/2023 07:42

Pretty sure DH would be thrilled if I looked like Eva Green! So would I. Give the bloke a break.

Tinkerbyebye · 15/08/2023 07:58

I think you need toget help, try growing up first

cariadlet · 15/08/2023 13:35

Davestwattymissus · 15/08/2023 07:42

Pretty sure DH would be thrilled if I looked like Eva Green! So would I. Give the bloke a break.

Another poster who has decided to read the first post and have a go.
Try RTFT, including the OP's updates and very gracious replies.
Then come back and apologise.

cariadlet · 15/08/2023 13:35

Tinkerbyebye · 15/08/2023 07:58

I think you need toget help, try growing up first

Another poster who has decided to read the first post and have a go.
Try RTFT, including the OP's updates and very gracious replies.
Then come back and apologise.

MNetcurtains · 15/08/2023 14:14

Whataretheodds · 12/08/2023 22:18

What did you want him to say?

You didn't ask him if you looked OK. You said you'd like to look like Eva Green and he didn't say anything. You then prodded him and he went along with what you suggested.

Stop playing games.

This. Why are you baiting your DH?

cariadlet · 15/08/2023 14:31

MNetcurtains · 15/08/2023 14:14

This. Why are you baiting your DH?

Show quote history

RTFT including the OP's updates instead of having a go at her.

Original poster
Tillie84 · 15/08/2023 17:36

@cariadlet thank you so much for your support x

OP posts:
cariadlet · 15/08/2023 18:10

Tillie84 · 15/08/2023 17:36

@cariadlet thank you so much for your support x

No problem!

I started reading this thread on the day you first posted and had exactly the same thoughts as those who are still piling on.

The difference is, that I actually RTFT so I know that:
1 When all the early posts said YBU, you quickly realised that everyone was right and that you had messed up by engineering a no-win situation.

It's not easy to acknowledge that you're wrong and most posters in AIBU flounce off when everyone disagrees with them.

  1. What happened was a symptom of bigger issues ie problems in the relationship and your anxiety & poor self-esteem (you seem a much nicer person than you give yourself credit for)

Thankfully, there have been lots of decent posters who also recognise this and you have had some good advice and supportive comments.

Because this thread is on the list of threads that I'm on, whenever I come onto Mumsnet, I see if there are new posts.

When there are a few in a row by people having a go because they haven't RTFT, that feels like bullying and it pisses me off.
Only takes a moment to write a quick reply.
I'm still waiting for one of them to have the decency to come back and apologise. Could be a long wait.

Pebbledashery · 15/08/2023 18:33

Dear new posters, please click "read all" on OP's posts before you comment!!

UnderCarraigeWoes · 15/08/2023 18:50

Aw OP, you just feel shit about yourself and wanted him to make you feel good. You did it in a cackhanded way but you weren't being abusive.

An honest conversation is needed as you can't let his attitude to you and intimacy go on, it'll just tear you apart little by little until you've no self esteem left.

If he says he doesn't fancy you anymore it would be dreadful but at least you'd know, you wouldn't be living this cycle of damaging behaviour. It may be something else entirely that you both need to work on or it may mean the end of things but you could at least cope with that and get in with your life and heal from this and find someone who values and appreciates you.

minimo15 · 15/08/2023 19:07

Sorry you need to grow up!

WatchOutMissMarpleIsAbout · 15/08/2023 20:01

minimo15 · 15/08/2023 19:07

Sorry you need to grow up!

Ffs read the thread or if you can’t be bothered to do that at least read the ops replies.

blackbeardsballsack · 15/08/2023 21:45

minimo15 · 15/08/2023 19:07

Sorry you need to grow up!

Oh my god shut up

Original poster
Tillie84 · 16/08/2023 10:29

cariadlet · 15/08/2023 18:10

No problem!

I started reading this thread on the day you first posted and had exactly the same thoughts as those who are still piling on.

The difference is, that I actually RTFT so I know that:
1 When all the early posts said YBU, you quickly realised that everyone was right and that you had messed up by engineering a no-win situation.

It's not easy to acknowledge that you're wrong and most posters in AIBU flounce off when everyone disagrees with them.

  1. What happened was a symptom of bigger issues ie problems in the relationship and your anxiety & poor self-esteem (you seem a much nicer person than you give yourself credit for)

Thankfully, there have been lots of decent posters who also recognise this and you have had some good advice and supportive comments.

Because this thread is on the list of threads that I'm on, whenever I come onto Mumsnet, I see if there are new posts.

When there are a few in a row by people having a go because they haven't RTFT, that feels like bullying and it pisses me off.
Only takes a moment to write a quick reply.
I'm still waiting for one of them to have the decency to come back and apologise. Could be a long wait.

Show quote history

Aw thank you so much.
yes there have been some posters with some very nice and helpful comments and of course are one of them :)
its fair enough when people disagree and some have done so respectfully, and I have taken all comments onboard, but I thought everyone makes mistakes at some point so it’s good to learn from them but I do think some of the comments have been a bit harsh :(
one person did make a comment before reading the thread, then one again right after to say sorry and acknowledge things and I appreciate that.
I have felt so guilty about what I did, but I just keep trying and I’ll find better ways to communicate.
I spoke with DH last night about it all and he didn’t even remember the Eva Green comment! I think in my head it was a bigger deal than it was, probably because if the way I was feeling but he hadn’t even noticed. He was too engrossed in the movie and had two bottles of wine.
I apologised and he thought I was silly to feel bad and nothing to be sorry for, I guess you had to be there to see how it went and I’m not good at explaining things so perhaps made it seem like some big argument or so when it wasn’t.
We still have some talking to do about the bigger picture but it’s a start. He acknowledged how I’ve been feeling and doesn’t want me to feel that way but I do need to communicate my feelings better.
i think we have a different way of approaching problems, with his being to ignore and pretend it’s not there, and mine being to skirt around the issue and focus on the wrong things. So neither of us actually communicate about it directly enough but it’s not intentional on either part.
I do feel hopefuL that we can move in the right direction together and I think it will take work from both sides but we’ll get there!
thank you so much x

OP posts:
Original poster
Tillie84 · 16/08/2023 10:29

blackbeardsballsack · 15/08/2023 21:45

Oh my god shut up

Show quote history

Lol thanks ☺️

OP posts:
Original poster
Tillie84 · 16/08/2023 10:29

WatchOutMissMarpleIsAbout · 15/08/2023 20:01

Ffs read the thread or if you can’t be bothered to do that at least read the ops replies.

Show quote history

Thank you 🙏

OP posts:
Original poster
Tillie84 · 16/08/2023 10:30

Pebbledashery · 15/08/2023 18:33

Dear new posters, please click "read all" on OP's posts before you comment!!

Thank you 😊

OP posts:
Original poster
Tillie84 · 16/08/2023 10:36

Thank you.
we have started talking, I think we have both been rubbish communicators but in different ways!
We at least have established we do want to be together but we do need to work on things and make time for certain things. It will take work from both sides.

DH likes to hope issues will resolve itself, I make too much of a fuss over the wrong things rather than focusing on the real issue.
we need to find a balance somewhere in the middle ie I need to let some things go, and he needs to acknowledge some things.

I guess we are Ying and yang and currently off balance but I think we can find it again! X

OP posts:
ManchesterLu · 16/08/2023 10:59

You dug your own hole here.
DP would love to look like Brad Pitt. I would also love DP to look like Brad Pitt. But if he did, we almost certainly wouldn't be together as he'd be with someone better looking than me!
It's just the kind of lighthearted conversations couples have, but you turned it into something else for some reason.

cariadlet · 16/08/2023 12:33

ManchesterLu · 16/08/2023 10:59

You dug your own hole here.
DP would love to look like Brad Pitt. I would also love DP to look like Brad Pitt. But if he did, we almost certainly wouldn't be together as he'd be with someone better looking than me!
It's just the kind of lighthearted conversations couples have, but you turned it into something else for some reason.

FFS not another one.
RTFT before jumping in and having a go at the OP. If you can't be bothered to do that, at least read the OP's replies and then come back and apologise.

cariadlet · 16/08/2023 12:38

@TiTillie84 Thanks for giving us the update. Good news that you and your DH both want to stay together and both recognise that there are things to work on.

It does sound as if talking about your problems will be difficult for both of you. I wonder if marriage counselling or couples counselling would help.

WatchOutMissMarpleIsAbout · 16/08/2023 13:07

Good luck x

MNetcurtains · 16/08/2023 14:20

cariadlet · 15/08/2023 14:31

RTFT including the OP's updates instead of having a go at her.

Show quote history

I was responding to the OP. Expect a pile on if you're not going to provide context and, instead, drip feed.