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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset about this

190 replies

Tillie84 · 12/08/2023 22:14

Just been watching Casino Royal with DH.
I turned to DH and said “i wish I looked like Eva Green”. He said nothing and then I said “it would be good wouldn’t it?”
DH said “yes that would be good if you looked like Eva Green”.
I said “wrong answer”
DH then said “I don’t understand what I’ve done wrong here, you said it would be good if you looked like Eva Green and I agreed”
I then said I was going to bed and just left. He hasn’t moved or come to see me.
AIBU to be upset about this?! DH knows I’ve been upset about my weight recently, I’ve been having some issues with anxiety, just yesterday was prescribed medication from GP relating to anxiety issues. Guess I just thought DH might reassure me I look fine as I am but I guess not :(
or am I being stupid/over reacting etc ??

OP posts:
Ketchupisgood · 12/08/2023 23:09

You’re being childish. Like the girls at school who used to say “I look so ugly/I hate my hair” for attention so that others would say “no! You look beautiful!” You pushed him and you’re playing games with him. You played a stupid game and won a stupid prize. When you’re grown up you’ll realise this.

Original poster
Tillie84 · 12/08/2023 23:16

I don’t think I’m great at explaining things at times, but DH doesn’t actually realise I was upset. I often go to bed earlier. I came on here to figure out if I had a reason to be upset before discussion with him which you’ve all helped me realise I realise I don’t have a reason to be upset about tonight. Not by a long mile. I’ll not be bringing it up with him.
ive been ridiculous.
we very rarely argue. Tonight did not turn into an argument. When I said I was going to bed I just did it like I normally do.
I know I’ve been avoiding talking about what is the real problem. But I know this was not the way to do it.

OP posts:
GrumpyOldCrone · 12/08/2023 23:20

I’m in the minority: I voted YANBU. I don’t think you’re playing games. I think you’re looking for reassurance. And you’re not getting it.

I think you do need to talk to him, but not specifically about this. You need to talk to him about what’s behind this.

Whatyoutalkingabouteh · 12/08/2023 23:21

How was he supposed to answer that? If you didn’t want him to agree then why ask in the first place? Seems like a trick question

Original poster
Tillie84 · 12/08/2023 23:28

GrumpyOldCrone · 12/08/2023 23:20

I’m in the minority: I voted YANBU. I don’t think you’re playing games. I think you’re looking for reassurance. And you’re not getting it.

I think you do need to talk to him, but not specifically about this. You need to talk to him about what’s behind this.

What’s behind this is that he hasn’t initiated intimacy in almost two years, and most of the time I have, he has rejected me. Has occasionally accepted me doing something for him, but never does it back.
we don’t talk about it anymore. He told me asking about it put pressure on him so I stopped asking. But nothing has changed.
outside of that we get along well, cook together most nights etc.
I have been overweight before and he was into me still, so this feels different.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tillie84 · 12/08/2023 23:30

GrumpyOldCrone · 12/08/2023 23:20

I’m in the minority: I voted YANBU. I don’t think you’re playing games. I think you’re looking for reassurance. And you’re not getting it.

I think you do need to talk to him, but not specifically about this. You need to talk to him about what’s behind this.

Also you are right thank you.
I do need to talk to home about the bigger picture.
on top of that my self esteem & is currently low and anxiety really bad, which makes talking about the real issues a difficult conversation to start

OP posts:
Caprisunny · 12/08/2023 23:32

Tillie84 · 12/08/2023 23:16

I don’t think I’m great at explaining things at times, but DH doesn’t actually realise I was upset. I often go to bed earlier. I came on here to figure out if I had a reason to be upset before discussion with him which you’ve all helped me realise I realise I don’t have a reason to be upset about tonight. Not by a long mile. I’ll not be bringing it up with him.
ive been ridiculous.
we very rarely argue. Tonight did not turn into an argument. When I said I was going to bed I just did it like I normally do.
I know I’ve been avoiding talking about what is the real problem. But I know this was not the way to do it.

So he even said he didn’t know what he did wrong…..at which point you said you were going upstairs. Even though he was clearly aware you thought he gave the ‘wrong answer’.

You complained that he ‘hasn’t moved or come to see me’

Why would he follow you or come see you if he doesn’t know you are upset?

Again, it really feels like you are trying to twist issues so he is to blame. He doesn’t know you are upset, but is fully aware you thought he did something wrong. He doesn’t know you are upset but should have followed you upstairs and gone to check on you?

That doesn’t add up.

Seaswimmingforthesoul · 12/08/2023 23:35

I think we have all established your behaviour was silly tonight.

There's a bigger issue here though.

Is your husband depressed/stressed? Has he changed physically? I'm just trying to establish whether the issue could be his general libido/mental health/self esteem rather than his attraction to you?

If not then I think it's time you sat him down and told him in no uncertain terms how its making you feel, and if he tries to avoid the topic again be clear that its a big issue for you and it NEEDS to be resolved, you're not going to ignore it any more. I'd approach it from a 'I want to understand whats going on' perspective rather than a 'I want to have sex' one if that makes sense?

Cat2014 · 12/08/2023 23:37

Surprised by the responses. YANBU, he was mean
It’s clear what you wanted/needed at that time

GrumpyOldCrone · 12/08/2023 23:40

Tillie84 · 12/08/2023 23:30

Also you are right thank you.
I do need to talk to home about the bigger picture.
on top of that my self esteem & is currently low and anxiety really bad, which makes talking about the real issues a difficult conversation to start

Show quote history

That sounds so very difficult. And it also sounds like you’re internalising it, as if it’s something you’re responsible for. But you aren’t. The problem is him.

Look, we all put on or lose weight, get stressed about family issues, or about work… but intimacy is part of what gets us through the hard times. If your partner is withholding intimacy, that’s on him. If he’s too stressed to get it on with you, that’s also on him. He should see his GP. He’s the one who needs help.

WandaWonder · 12/08/2023 23:42

So you were testing and didn't the answer you wanted so now he is in the wrong?

Stop playing games

Original poster
Tillie84 · 12/08/2023 23:52

Caprisunny · 12/08/2023 23:32

So he even said he didn’t know what he did wrong…..at which point you said you were going upstairs. Even though he was clearly aware you thought he gave the ‘wrong answer’.

You complained that he ‘hasn’t moved or come to see me’

Why would he follow you or come see you if he doesn’t know you are upset?

Again, it really feels like you are trying to twist issues so he is to blame. He doesn’t know you are upset, but is fully aware you thought he did something wrong. He doesn’t know you are upset but should have followed you upstairs and gone to check on you?

That doesn’t add up.

Show quote history

I know I’m not great at explaining.
I was upset before that he didn’t noticed that I was upset and come up but have since realised my behaviour was not right anyway.
he has since popped into the room looking for a hoody and it is like nothing happened which doesn’t make it right what I did but that’s how I can also tell he was not aware I was upset.
when the conversation happened it wasn’t a heated argument or anything.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tillie84 · 12/08/2023 23:55

GrumpyOldCrone · 12/08/2023 23:40

That sounds so very difficult. And it also sounds like you’re internalising it, as if it’s something you’re responsible for. But you aren’t. The problem is him.

Look, we all put on or lose weight, get stressed about family issues, or about work… but intimacy is part of what gets us through the hard times. If your partner is withholding intimacy, that’s on him. If he’s too stressed to get it on with you, that’s also on him. He should see his GP. He’s the one who needs help.

Show quote history

Thank you. I just really don’t know how to bring this up again. I’m worried it will upset him too much or push him away. He doesn’t like to talk
about things because then it means there’s a problem.

OP posts:
PuddlesPityParty · 12/08/2023 23:55

Ah yes the classic only agreeing with the minority posters who agree with the OP 🙄 grow up.

Original poster
Tillie84 · 12/08/2023 23:56

Cat2014 · 12/08/2023 23:37

Surprised by the responses. YANBU, he was mean
It’s clear what you wanted/needed at that time

Thank you. But I do realise I did not go about it in the best way. I’m feeling too nervous to discuss the real issue.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tillie84 · 12/08/2023 23:57

WandaWonder · 12/08/2023 23:42

So you were testing and didn't the answer you wanted so now he is in the wrong?

Stop playing games

I see that now. I did not intend the whole
playing game thing but I am seeing that my behaviour was wrong.

OP posts:
TheGirlFromTomorrow · 13/08/2023 00:04

It sounds like you're subconsciously starting arguments to get attention. If you're chronically deprived, there's probably some resentment in there as well?

It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. The best way to get reassurance is to just say that you're feeling down and you'd like to be soothed. If he won't respond to that or he keeps turning you down for fair physical intimacy, the relationship is on its last legs. In which case, it's much better to be single and in a position where you can meet someone to have a better relationship with.

It's completely reasonable to expect a sexual relationship with your partner. Don't let him convince you otherwise.

Original poster
Tillie84 · 13/08/2023 00:04

Seaswimmingforthesoul · 12/08/2023 23:35

I think we have all established your behaviour was silly tonight.

There's a bigger issue here though.

Is your husband depressed/stressed? Has he changed physically? I'm just trying to establish whether the issue could be his general libido/mental health/self esteem rather than his attraction to you?

If not then I think it's time you sat him down and told him in no uncertain terms how its making you feel, and if he tries to avoid the topic again be clear that its a big issue for you and it NEEDS to be resolved, you're not going to ignore it any more. I'd approach it from a 'I want to understand whats going on' perspective rather than a 'I want to have sex' one if that makes sense?

Thank you that’s good advice. I do need to try a different approach and definitely not the way I behaved tonight.
I have been ignoring the bigger picture.
my husband hasn’t changed in size physically, but he does workout a lot more these days so his muscle is more defined. he seems happy but maybe I’m not noticing something.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tillie84 · 13/08/2023 00:06

PuddlesPityParty · 12/08/2023 23:55

Ah yes the classic only agreeing with the minority posters who agree with the OP 🙄 grow up.

I have agreed with other posters too. I have said I realised my behaviour wasn’t right tonight which I realised because of everyone on here tonight

OP posts:
Original poster
Tillie84 · 13/08/2023 00:10

TheGirlFromTomorrow · 13/08/2023 00:04

It sounds like you're subconsciously starting arguments to get attention. If you're chronically deprived, there's probably some resentment in there as well?

It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. The best way to get reassurance is to just say that you're feeling down and you'd like to be soothed. If he won't respond to that or he keeps turning you down for fair physical intimacy, the relationship is on its last legs. In which case, it's much better to be single and in a position where you can meet someone to have a better relationship with.

It's completely reasonable to expect a sexual relationship with your partner. Don't let him convince you otherwise.

ill try that thank you.

think I need to be more open and honest about everything. And not go about it how I did tonight. It was pointless and stupid and I don’t have an excuse for it.

I just feel nervous about starting the conversation that needs to be had

OP posts:
Original poster
Tillie84 · 13/08/2023 00:14

Thank you all.
Sorry if I’ve offended anyone here tonight. I know my behaviour was not acceptable tonight. I came here to figure that out and everyone has helped me realise that.
its also been good to have some advice on how I should be dealing with things moving forward

OP posts:
Original poster
Tillie84 · 13/08/2023 00:16

Whatyoutalkingabouteh · 12/08/2023 23:21

How was he supposed to answer that? If you didn’t want him to agree then why ask in the first place? Seems like a trick question

I know , I wasn’t meaning To play games. Guess I was looking for reassurance and went about it completely the wrong way. Totally ashamed of my behaviour. It was stupid and childish

OP posts:
JudgeRudy · 13/08/2023 00:18

Grow up!

Original poster
Tillie84 · 13/08/2023 00:18

Ketchupisgood · 12/08/2023 23:09

You’re being childish. Like the girls at school who used to say “I look so ugly/I hate my hair” for attention so that others would say “no! You look beautiful!” You pushed him and you’re playing games with him. You played a stupid game and won a stupid prize. When you’re grown up you’ll realise this.

Yes thank you I realise that now

glad I came on here to help sort my head out

OP posts:
Original poster
Tillie84 · 13/08/2023 00:18

JudgeRudy · 13/08/2023 00:18

Grow up!

Yes I am not proud of my behaviour tonight

OP posts: