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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset about this

190 replies

Tillie84 · 12/08/2023 22:14

Just been watching Casino Royal with DH.
I turned to DH and said “i wish I looked like Eva Green”. He said nothing and then I said “it would be good wouldn’t it?”
DH said “yes that would be good if you looked like Eva Green”.
I said “wrong answer”
DH then said “I don’t understand what I’ve done wrong here, you said it would be good if you looked like Eva Green and I agreed”
I then said I was going to bed and just left. He hasn’t moved or come to see me.
AIBU to be upset about this?! DH knows I’ve been upset about my weight recently, I’ve been having some issues with anxiety, just yesterday was prescribed medication from GP relating to anxiety issues. Guess I just thought DH might reassure me I look fine as I am but I guess not :(
or am I being stupid/over reacting etc ??

OP posts:
Changingplace · 12/08/2023 22:31

You’re being ridiculous, he couldn’t win here, he said nothing initially I expect because he’s used to being faced with this kind of nonsense and knew you were going to find fault in whatever he replied.

Very tiresome behaviour, why should he now come after you when you’ve engineered an argument out of thin air, I wouldn’t come after you either.

ConnieTucker · 12/08/2023 22:31

Yabu. That is toxic behaviour as it can only possibly lead to a row. He should leave you.

AllAboardTootToot · 12/08/2023 22:31

You’ve goaded him into it, you should be the one apologising!

JockTamsonsBairns · 12/08/2023 22:33

Look, I understand. I remember 20 odd years ago, when I was a young 'un, I knew that my boyfriend (now husband) had a bit of a thing for Jennifer Aniston. I asked him if he thought she was better looking than me 😂.
I'm cringing looking back - of course she's better looking than me!
He didn't know what the correct answer was, so he erred on the side of caution and said I was better looking.
I accused him of lying to me, and went to bed in the huff 😂.

21 years later, we're still together, and I'm old enough now that I don't set trap questions!

Thedogscollar · 12/08/2023 22:34

You are being ridiculously unreasonable. You orchestrated an arguement then got pissed off at your husband for agreeing with you!
Would you have been upset if husband had asked wouldn't it be good if I looked like Daniel Craig you agreed then he got pissed off with you?
Grow up.

MouseMinge · 12/08/2023 22:37

If he'd said, "You're lovely just the way you are." I'm guessing that you'd have pushed him into admitting that yes, Eva Green is better looking than you. He couldn't win and you must know that. You need to go back down and apologise to him for your foolishness.

Schemes · 12/08/2023 22:37

I wonder if he said nothing at first and then agreed with you because he knows you were setting him up.

What you did is exactly what blokes do when they are spoiling for a fight and they want to blame their wives for something and have a go at them.

VinEtFromage · 12/08/2023 22:38

@JockTamsonsBairns

yep. I was trying NOT to recall the times I asked those type of questions & feel glad to have grown up enough to know better!

@Tillie84 how old are you? You asked your DH a question he was never going to answer to your satisfaction.

if you ask someone their opinion, there's never a 'wrong answer' because it's THEIR opinion.

Don't ask a question if you might not like the answer.

VinEtFromage · 12/08/2023 22:38

Presuming the 84 is the year you were born, you're old enough to know better

10HailMarys · 12/08/2023 22:40

YABU. First for trying to start a conversation about your looks (which I suspect happens quite often if your DH is aware of your insecurities) while you should have both just been relaxing and watching a film together. Second for prodding him into a response when he was clearly trying to avoid an argument by not engaging.

In my experience, when someone says something like “Wouldn’t it be great if I looked like Eva Green?” there are two possible responses. The first one is “Yes, I’m sure it would” which results in an argument. The second “No, no, you’re prettier than her” which then prompts the other person to say “I’m not, you know that, I’m gross, I know you’re lying” which results in about 20 minutes of further reassurance and affirmation which is unsuccessful and also causes an argument because the other person is sick and tired of being held responsible for soothing their partner’s insecurities all the time.

Zeppel · 12/08/2023 22:42

Completely YABU. You goaded him into an answer and then turned on him. Grow up.

TregunaMekoides · 12/08/2023 22:44
Its A Trap GIF by Star Wars

Poor bloke.

widowtwankywashroom · 12/08/2023 22:45

We're watching a programme, the character is beautiful and has gorgeous legs. I say I wish I had legs like that. Husband says so do I!
We both laugh end of
You set him up to fail.
You owe him an apology.

Original poster
Tillie84 · 12/08/2023 22:46

Thanks for the feedback everyone.
I did not realise that’s what I was doing as in I did not intentionally play games.
this is not something I do all the time or anything, and I was actually very happy when he used to compliment me. I’ve been this size before and then lost weight.
while watching the movie and the love scenes what I was really thinking about was how DH has not wanted to be intimate with me for nearly 2 years now and I don’t really know why. I only put on weight again in the last few months.
i make suggestions to go upstairs/early night and he agrees to do it but then never comes up. I’ve tried to be spontaneous and spice things up and he will accept my pleasuring him but then doesn’t do anything back.
I guess I am too worried to ask him why or if he is actually still attracted to me because it feels like he is not.

i am not proud of how I have behaved tonight, it is not something I do all the time or anything.

i did not mean to be mean or play games but I can see I went about it all the wrong way.

it didn’t turn into an argument. I left so I could figure out if I was being unreasonable or not which I can see I am.
I know what I want to know but I guess I’m too scared to find out for real

OP posts:
RosieCockle · 12/08/2023 22:50

Poor bloke. You are at fault

Zonder · 12/08/2023 22:51

Well basically you have a whole other problem going on there now.

Have you asked him why he doesn't want to be intimate any more?

user1473878824 · 12/08/2023 22:57

Tillie84 · 12/08/2023 22:46

Thanks for the feedback everyone.
I did not realise that’s what I was doing as in I did not intentionally play games.
this is not something I do all the time or anything, and I was actually very happy when he used to compliment me. I’ve been this size before and then lost weight.
while watching the movie and the love scenes what I was really thinking about was how DH has not wanted to be intimate with me for nearly 2 years now and I don’t really know why. I only put on weight again in the last few months.
i make suggestions to go upstairs/early night and he agrees to do it but then never comes up. I’ve tried to be spontaneous and spice things up and he will accept my pleasuring him but then doesn’t do anything back.
I guess I am too worried to ask him why or if he is actually still attracted to me because it feels like he is not.

i am not proud of how I have behaved tonight, it is not something I do all the time or anything.

i did not mean to be mean or play games but I can see I went about it all the wrong way.

it didn’t turn into an argument. I left so I could figure out if I was being unreasonable or not which I can see I am.
I know what I want to know but I guess I’m too scared to find out for real

I know we’re all now supposed to reassure you but you still did something really childish and then stropped off either way.

Original poster
Tillie84 · 12/08/2023 23:00

Zonder · 12/08/2023 22:51

Well basically you have a whole other problem going on there now.

Have you asked him why he doesn't want to be intimate any more?

Not for a while I guess. I mean I have asked him before and he would say he was tired, another night or that he has planned to but then fell asleep or drank too much wine etc. or he tells me there is nothing wrong it doesn’t need talked about.
I stopped asking him because I was starting to feel like I was asking for it too much, the last few times we talked about it I said I’ll wait for him to initiate. So I thought better to not talk about it and let it happen naturally.
so that’s why I’ve also tried to be spontaneous, he seems to like that, when I pleasure him, but it’s kind of one way in that he won’t do anything back..
I know I’ve been avoiding discussing it and now I’m going about it all the wrong way and I feel so ashamed
I don’t know if he realises I am upset about this side of things. I am worried I push him away

OP posts:
LakeTiticaca · 12/08/2023 23:01

Bloody hell how old are you, 13?

PuddlesPityParty · 12/08/2023 23:02

🙄

I hope you’ve apologised

1993GoToo · 12/08/2023 23:04

Not often I think "poor bloke, he couldnt win" on a thread.

This is one of those times

Bet he is walking on egg shells

EllBellWell · 12/08/2023 23:05

YABU

Entrapment type of situation. Have a word with yourself OP

Daisybuttercup12345 · 12/08/2023 23:06

Stop playing mind games and grow up.

purplebluediscorain · 12/08/2023 23:06

you pushed for him to reply and he thought he was giving you the answer you wanted to hear. I would say something like this to my partner and he’d tell me I was perfect the way I am though. But there is what you did and what you pushed for. I’d be more upset if he’d been watching what ever and said I wish you loookee like so and so but he didn’t.

Screamingabdabz · 12/08/2023 23:07

It may be nothing to do with how you look. It may because you’re insecure, needy, no fun and fall out with him if he doesn’t guess the right answer that’s purely in your head. I look back on my similar batshit behaviour early in my marriage and I’m amazed he stayed and put up with it. Wake up and work on your low self esteem.