Page 7 | Tradwives

babysharkdoodoodedoodedoo · 2023-08-12T16:12:30+00:00

Whilst mindlessly scrolling through Instagram the other day, a video came up on my feed (whatever that section is called where they post suggested videos) of a ‘tradwife’ - an American woman (she must have been no older than 24) who was actively promoting a traditional married lifestyle - a man as provider, woman as homemaker, with the man as the ‘leader’ of the family and the wife submitting to her husband’s leadership. She posts videos of herself cooking and cleaning and dressing up for her husband every day, and regularly speaks about how she has certain rules for herself to keep herself in her place, like not going out after dark without her husband, asking her husbands permission before she does things. I got the impression that she likes this lifestyle and has chosen it and he goes along with it - she’s always talking about how it was her lifelong dream to live like this. She’s even started dressing in retro housewife outfits - like a sort of 1950s vibe. Don’t get me wrong, she looks amazing and seems very happy. I was intrigued about this movement and when I Googled it, it seems that this is a growing movement with lots of people posting about it and promoting the lifestyle. I was so surprised as I’ve never really met anyone like this. I was wondering if anyone on Mumsnet is a part of this movement (or even just follows this lifestyle/holds these beliefs in private). No reason really other than curiosity!

GoogleMeNot · 13/08/2023 17:56

LoveRules · 13/08/2023 14:55

My twenty year old daughter gawd love her recently declared this is her ambition.
It's a massive 🙄🙄🙄 and ffs from me who has been a working mum all their lives and a single one for the past 5 years. We had small holdings too when they were young. Perhaps she looks at me and thinks it all looks a bit too much like hard work and therefore will set her sights on finding a rich husband so she can play house. She's an introvert unlike me who can go weeks/months with no outside contact. Both her grandmothers were quiet (boring) homemakers with nothing to talk about other than the weather and what had been on tv. Each to their own I guess abut I am recommending she get some skills which could earn her money as a Plan B.

She's only 20, things change and I'm sure she'll see you as a role model as she gets older and finds a way in the world whether that be learning a trade or being in the corporate world or community service. I was the same at 20, and now in a high flying corporate job !

Original poster

babysharkdoodoodedoodedoo · 13/08/2023 19:15

Reading this has made me realise that I could probably tolerate being a tradwife for a limited amount of time. I’d even enjoy it for a short while, knowing if I wanted to change my mind I could, and treating it as something of a game/experiment. But I’d weirdly be gutted if my daughter grew up wanting to be a tradwife!

OP posts:

Catusrusty · 13/08/2023 19:30

MsMD · 12/08/2023 17:42

I work in a major hospital in a Bible Belt US city. These women are becoming more common, but I will say it's like a game to most of them. They don't ACTUALLY not have to work, they don't ACTUALLY have to dress up every day, they don't ACTUALLY have their man's permission to go out, they don't ACTUALLY have to follow his commands and never say no and the rest of the bullshit.

One came in for an abortion without her husband's permission or knowledge, for example.

They'd feel differently if they didn't have choices, instead of just liking to pretend that they don't.

Personally it sickens me, but as long as they're choosing to play dress up and they're happy, women should have the right to do what they want.

This.

It is the very height of privilege for these women to role play having no freedom. Their very freedom comes from the sacrifices of the feminists who came before them. The feminists that these women decry and belittle. They should all be shipped off to Afghanistan in exchange for the women there who would truly appreciate freedom.

Bellyblueboy · 13/08/2023 19:41

babysharkdoodoodedoodedoo · 13/08/2023 19:15

Reading this has made me realise that I could probably tolerate being a tradwife for a limited amount of time. I’d even enjoy it for a short while, knowing if I wanted to change my mind I could, and treating it as something of a game/experiment. But I’d weirdly be gutted if my daughter grew up wanting to be a tradwife!

Yes agreed. I think this type of lifestyle takes choices away from girls. They have to rebel just to get an education and a career. It turns boys into little sexists. Women are there to clean up after them.

The real world comes as a huge shock to them all.

Cosycatz · 13/08/2023 21:22

Catusrusty · 13/08/2023 19:30

This.

It is the very height of privilege for these women to role play having no freedom. Their very freedom comes from the sacrifices of the feminists who came before them. The feminists that these women decry and belittle. They should all be shipped off to Afghanistan in exchange for the women there who would truly appreciate freedom.

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As described that sounds very like covert narcissism rather than traditional values.

starshin · 13/08/2023 21:34

I would say my sister in law could be considered a trad wife. She doesn't work and looks after the children and does all house work.

My brother doesn't do anything domestic at all and she even has to fetch his clothes and shoes for him and really anything he asks for. He'll be sitting down and ask her to get up to get her stuff. She serves him meals and if she's forgotten to put something on the table like a glass or a bottle of water he sometimes has a go at her about it if he's in a bad mood. She gets up every morning and brings him breakfast in bed.

He's never changed a nappy or done any night waking because he has to be alert for work. She's always making sure he has all the down time he needs, which means her children and her don't ever ask him for anything. When he comes home from work he just gets to do what he wants, like have a few drinks, watch a movie, whilst she sorts the kids. She's always talking about how he needs to relax but she never gets to relax herself.

If you ask her if she wants to do something, like go out for lunch - she always has to schedule it so she's back and has dinner or lunch ready for him- otherwise she won't go, if she can't fit it in. She would never tell him to make himself a sandwich or order a pizza.

If you ask her if she wants to come for dinner / day out, she always has to OK it with him to check if he also wants to go and if he doesn't, they don't go. It's always his decision. Like basically everything. She never disagrees with him in public and she has to like what he likes. If she doesn't take an interest in something he's into, he gets pissed off. She once said she thought something he likes is a bit boring and he had a massive go at her ( I wasn't there ). It's hard to watch. If you say even the slightest thing about it, he tells you to leave his house.

We don't talk much..

starshin · 13/08/2023 21:36

starshin · 13/08/2023 21:34

I would say my sister in law could be considered a trad wife. She doesn't work and looks after the children and does all house work.

My brother doesn't do anything domestic at all and she even has to fetch his clothes and shoes for him and really anything he asks for. He'll be sitting down and ask her to get up to get her stuff. She serves him meals and if she's forgotten to put something on the table like a glass or a bottle of water he sometimes has a go at her about it if he's in a bad mood. She gets up every morning and brings him breakfast in bed.

He's never changed a nappy or done any night waking because he has to be alert for work. She's always making sure he has all the down time he needs, which means her children and her don't ever ask him for anything. When he comes home from work he just gets to do what he wants, like have a few drinks, watch a movie, whilst she sorts the kids. She's always talking about how he needs to relax but she never gets to relax herself.

If you ask her if she wants to do something, like go out for lunch - she always has to schedule it so she's back and has dinner or lunch ready for him- otherwise she won't go, if she can't fit it in. She would never tell him to make himself a sandwich or order a pizza.

If you ask her if she wants to come for dinner / day out, she always has to OK it with him to check if he also wants to go and if he doesn't, they don't go. It's always his decision. Like basically everything. She never disagrees with him in public and she has to like what he likes. If she doesn't take an interest in something he's into, he gets pissed off. She once said she thought something he likes is a bit boring and he had a massive go at her ( I wasn't there ). It's hard to watch. If you say even the slightest thing about it, he tells you to leave his house.

We don't talk much..

The kids are also not allowed to ask him for stuff. So if I'm there and they need something like a sandwich, they wouldn't ask their dad if their mum is busy- they'd ask me or whoever else is in the house. Because their dad works hard and needs downtime. That's what they've been taught.

Bellyblueboy · 13/08/2023 21:37

@starshin that’s interesting. What was your childhood like - why do you think your brother turned out like this? And why do you think your SIL puts up with this?

what about the kids? Does he believe in women’s rights? Women’s education? How does he cope with female colleagues? A female boss?

CyberCritical · 13/08/2023 21:38

starshin · 13/08/2023 21:34

I would say my sister in law could be considered a trad wife. She doesn't work and looks after the children and does all house work.

My brother doesn't do anything domestic at all and she even has to fetch his clothes and shoes for him and really anything he asks for. He'll be sitting down and ask her to get up to get her stuff. She serves him meals and if she's forgotten to put something on the table like a glass or a bottle of water he sometimes has a go at her about it if he's in a bad mood. She gets up every morning and brings him breakfast in bed.

He's never changed a nappy or done any night waking because he has to be alert for work. She's always making sure he has all the down time he needs, which means her children and her don't ever ask him for anything. When he comes home from work he just gets to do what he wants, like have a few drinks, watch a movie, whilst she sorts the kids. She's always talking about how he needs to relax but she never gets to relax herself.

If you ask her if she wants to do something, like go out for lunch - she always has to schedule it so she's back and has dinner or lunch ready for him- otherwise she won't go, if she can't fit it in. She would never tell him to make himself a sandwich or order a pizza.

If you ask her if she wants to come for dinner / day out, she always has to OK it with him to check if he also wants to go and if he doesn't, they don't go. It's always his decision. Like basically everything. She never disagrees with him in public and she has to like what he likes. If she doesn't take an interest in something he's into, he gets pissed off. She once said she thought something he likes is a bit boring and he had a massive go at her ( I wasn't there ). It's hard to watch. If you say even the slightest thing about it, he tells you to leave his house.

We don't talk much..

She doesn't sound like a TradWife, she sounds like an abused woman and your brother sounds like an abusive man. He is at the very least verbally abusive and gets pissed off at her if she doesn't do everything he wants when he wants her to do it.

starshin · 13/08/2023 21:49

Bellyblueboy · 13/08/2023 21:37

@starshin that’s interesting. What was your childhood like - why do you think your brother turned out like this? And why do you think your SIL puts up with this?

what about the kids? Does he believe in women’s rights? Women’s education? How does he cope with female colleagues? A female boss?

Our childhood was like this and worse. My dad was pretty abusive to my mum. She had to do everything for him.

I have no idea why my SIL puts up with it, it's really sad.

It's sad for the kids. They have a daughter and a son. My brother always talks about how he hates feminism. He does believe in education for women etc but he does think women use their womanhood to their advantage and he wants a ' me too ' movement for himself. He thinks those women who slept with Harvey Weinstein could have just aid no if they had better morals. He doesn't have female colleagues and a female boss or anything like that. When he encounters women in professional roles for his job, he tests them a lot to make sure they know their stuff. I don't know much else.

My SIL just accepts that's how things are, but it's sad. I think she's trying to think more about her needs recently, which I applaud.

Bellyblueboy · 13/08/2023 21:54

how awful for your SIL and for your nieces and nephews.

Why on earth do women want this? This tradwife stuff is horrendous.

yes consenting adults can do as they please - but their kids grow up with this ridiculous view of the world.

look at @vimtogirl above - she is so far gone she doesn’t even she the inherent sexism she displays when talking about her own children. Her worst fear it that her daughter grows up with knowing how to clean a house!

starshin · 13/08/2023 21:56

Bellyblueboy · 13/08/2023 21:54

how awful for your SIL and for your nieces and nephews.

Why on earth do women want this? This tradwife stuff is horrendous.

yes consenting adults can do as they please - but their kids grow up with this ridiculous view of the world.

look at @vimtogirl above - she is so far gone she doesn’t even she the inherent sexism she displays when talking about her own children. Her worst fear it that her daughter grows up with knowing how to clean a house!

Brainwashing I think

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 13/08/2023 23:52

@starshin, your brother sounds awful. I feel for your poor niece. Your SIL at least has a choice about whether to put up with this shit or not. His poor daughter has no other option.

forgetmenottt · 14/08/2023 04:36

Lol you should really check out the fetishes people have

forgetmenottt · 14/08/2023 04:37

@starshin that's really sad he's like that. I guess he doesn't get allot of attention in life

Morestrangerthings1 · 14/08/2023 05:39

Charrington · 12/08/2023 20:02

This, or similar nonsense, does the rounds every few years.
I do enjoy the implication that other women who work outside the home are misled by feminism into pursuing power over their pathetically emasculated husbands, not just earning money to keep a roof over the family’s heads in an economy that doesn’t afford the choice not to.

Women have always worked. It’s just that there was a brief period post WW2 where, for the good of society, getting unemployed veterans back into sustained and steady employment was in the national interest, and the propaganda machine was still in full swing. And anyway women in the home, pre electrification worked damn hard.

And when the daughters of the war generation, who had seen their mothers being heroes, grew up and started to push back the patriarchy the propaganda machine that had dispersed into advertising, tv and Hollywood tried to cling on to a fake image that was no more representative of real life than Instagram.

But it’s always (Total Women … Surrendered Wives… Trad Wives) about white women in 1950s florals. In the US at least, that image was underpinned by the domestic labour of black women doing the nasty jobs that get your pretty dress dirty.

It took centuries to dismantle marital couverture - much longer than to abolish slavery. Wives, just like slaves had no legal existence except as property. There are still traces today.

Women embracing this lifestyle (hah) are either dangerously naive or deeply disingenuous. The fact that they monetise this, makes me think the latter.

Who benefits?

Good post!

Morestrangerthings1 · 14/08/2023 05:44

forgetmenottt · 14/08/2023 04:36

Lol you should really check out the fetishes people have

Yes, I think it could be a factor for some of these women. But not knowing much about it, I find it hard to reconcile that too many woman would find this life a thrill given that women have been living a less glamorous version of it all through history. I just don’t know much about this stuff, but it did occur to me.

Morestrangerthings1 · 14/08/2023 06:01

brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 12/08/2023 21:40

I understood this tradwife bollocks is a far-right subculture, mirroring the “wholesome” aryan family stuff the ole Nazi’s got up to

I wish we had a like button - I hadn’t thought of this but for some people yes, it could be a factor.

Newnamehiwhodis · 14/08/2023 06:15

The man I knew who wound up marrying someone (within a few weeks of meeting her…) who used “hashtag tradwife” and went all in with the pink, frilly aprons and shit was a VERY abusive and controlling man. And they were living off her father’s money, so him being a “provider” was a crock- he was a cocklodger who put on an act and shilled bitcoin.

I cheered when she wised up and divorced his sorry ass. He has moved on to yet more get rich quick schemes, still claiming to be this Christian “protector and provider.”

I hope their marriage vows included “until debt do we part”

Crapsummer2023 · 14/08/2023 07:34

Morestrangerthings1 · 14/08/2023 06:01

I wish we had a like button - I hadn’t thought of this but for some people yes, it could be a factor.

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Yes I was going to say that this is a far right subculture. Push back against feminism and part of great replacement theory. Miriam Cates fantasy world.

Crapsummer2023 · 14/08/2023 07:47

And whose tradition is is anyway? 50s American traditional housewife was largely an advertising campaign dreamed up by ‘Madmen’. Women looking glam and smiley in floral dresses and greeting husbands at the door with slippers? This wasn’t the reality for most women, even white ones.

SkirtingBeard · 14/08/2023 08:03

Mischance · 12/08/2023 18:18

It's not about a "movement" - it is about adults having the right to choose how they live their lives. Some women choose to be homemakers - others choose a career outside the home. Either way this is what women's lib was about - the right to choose.

If you think the point of feminism was to allow some women to cosplay submission to patriarchy, you really need to do some reading.

Angrycat2768 · 14/08/2023 08:14

Catusrusty · 13/08/2023 19:30

This.

It is the very height of privilege for these women to role play having no freedom. Their very freedom comes from the sacrifices of the feminists who came before them. The feminists that these women decry and belittle. They should all be shipped off to Afghanistan in exchange for the women there who would truly appreciate freedom.

Show quote history

Absolutely! They are play acting ' Tradwives' while women are being stoned to death for minor indiscretions when they are forced to live their lives like that.

Caprisunny · 14/08/2023 08:23

I think the other issue with it being role play, is that they are hoping to be influencers and influence young women into aspiring to live that way.

Marrying a man who goes along with role playing on instagram is very different to man who genuinely wants a trad wife. The latter is far more likely to be co trolling cunt.

It’s more like role playing an abusive marriage. Which is also a hugely dangerous kink that’s becoming more and more popular on social media. With grown women editing the photos to look younger. Then taking videos or photos of them in situations where it looks like they are being abused, force fed, in a dingy room looking nervous.

Or the ‘let’s pack my husbands lunch together’ videos where the voice over drops hints that the husband is seriously abusing them. All for attention. Role playing abuse isn’t ok

So it’s not really just a case of ‘what they want to do is their business’.

Angrycat2768 · 14/08/2023 08:28

@vimtogirl I didn't really learn to clean either. My mother was a stay at home mum but she never taught me how to cook nor clean because she just did it all. Guess what? It's not that hard to do. I didn't feel hard done by. I now follow an app that tells me how to do it in half an hour a day! Luckily I have a job to fill in the rest of the time. You say you want your daughter to know how to clean and are teaching your sons to clean so that they know how hard women work. So, no matter what you say, you are limiting your children in their roles and expectations. You are expecting your sons to have a stay at home wife who they ' appreciate,' which I'm sure will be just as helpful as being a husband that pulls his weight round the house and your daughter to make sure she knows how to clean a house well. What happens if your children can't afford the lifestyle? You need a lot of money to sustain it. There is a reason that the most traditional religious co.munities are often the poorest. Its because they struggle on with half their populations undereducated and under utilised.