Page 5 | Tradwives

babysharkdoodoodedoodedoo · 2023-08-12T16:12:30+00:00

Whilst mindlessly scrolling through Instagram the other day, a video came up on my feed (whatever that section is called where they post suggested videos) of a ‘tradwife’ - an American woman (she must have been no older than 24) who was actively promoting a traditional married lifestyle - a man as provider, woman as homemaker, with the man as the ‘leader’ of the family and the wife submitting to her husband’s leadership. She posts videos of herself cooking and cleaning and dressing up for her husband every day, and regularly speaks about how she has certain rules for herself to keep herself in her place, like not going out after dark without her husband, asking her husbands permission before she does things. I got the impression that she likes this lifestyle and has chosen it and he goes along with it - she’s always talking about how it was her lifelong dream to live like this. She’s even started dressing in retro housewife outfits - like a sort of 1950s vibe. Don’t get me wrong, she looks amazing and seems very happy. I was intrigued about this movement and when I Googled it, it seems that this is a growing movement with lots of people posting about it and promoting the lifestyle. I was so surprised as I’ve never really met anyone like this. I was wondering if anyone on Mumsnet is a part of this movement (or even just follows this lifestyle/holds these beliefs in private). No reason really other than curiosity!

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 12/08/2023 21:20

Oh dear me @tradwife "I put it in quotation marks as women put their children into full time childcare for this career when they really are irreplaceable to their children.
And I do believe I am irreplaceable to my husband.. don’t you believe in true love anymore?? Maybe if you spent more time in the kitchen you would.".

I'm 23 years into my relationship with my husband, I know he loves me and I love him. I cook maybe 10 times a year.

We both work full time, my DD is an amazing, happy, intelligent, social, funny 9yr old who is completely aware that we love her more than anything.

I am irreplaceable to my DD, that doesn't mean that she needs to be physically in my presence 24 hrs a day. Children do not need their parents to be their ever present slaves in order to feel loved and supported.

CrabbiesGingerBeer · 12/08/2023 21:31

Tradwife360 · 12/08/2023 20:56

I put it in quotation marks as women put their children into full time childcare for this career when they really are irreplaceable to their children.
And I do believe I am irreplaceable to my husband.. don’t you believe in true love anymore?? Maybe if you spent more time in the kitchen you would.

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😂

Blackberriesbob · 12/08/2023 21:38

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 12/08/2023 17:37

The one who goes to work has it easy. Minimum 8 hours a day at work, no house work, child care, domestic duties. Just come home and eat dinner.

Are you joking? Work is easy? Maybe if it's utterly mindless but most jobs aren't. I wouldn't call being the main breadwinner easy.

brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 12/08/2023 21:40

I understood this tradwife bollocks is a far-right subculture, mirroring the “wholesome” aryan family stuff the ole Nazi’s got up to

EllaPaella · 12/08/2023 21:42

TheLeadbetterLife · 12/08/2023 17:22

I think women these days can choose to cosplay this stuff purely because of the freedoms won for them by previous generations of feminists.

if they HAD to be domestic slaves they would be putting their heads in ovens.

I’d have no problem with it if they at least acknowledged the reality of this crucial context.

Spot on

PixiePirate · 12/08/2023 21:42

Rightly or wrongly this really annoys me. As per pp, if these women HAD to live like this I’m sure they’d have very different views on it. In the meantime, at what point does this movement start to impact the rest of us women? How does it impact the lens through which we’re viewed in the workplace? Surely men whose needs are prioritised at home will come to carry that sense of entitlement and misogyny through into other areas of their lives?

SteveBuscemisRheumyEye · 12/08/2023 21:46

@Donewithrenovating can you say who it is? I'm intrigued!

kitsuneghost · 12/08/2023 21:51

Being a SAHM wouldn't get many Instagram views.
Stick on the label tradwife and boom! loads of cash.
Call me cynic but how many do this little speech and act on tiktok then get ready for work.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 12/08/2023 21:52

@Tradwife360 is clearly trolling. Nobody is really that obtuse.

I don't really care if people want to live this lifestyle as long as they can pay for it, but I do feel desperately sorry for their children.

NotTodaySanta · 12/08/2023 21:53

Tradwife360 · 12/08/2023 20:56

I put it in quotation marks as women put their children into full time childcare for this career when they really are irreplaceable to their children.
And I do believe I am irreplaceable to my husband.. don’t you believe in true love anymore?? Maybe if you spent more time in the kitchen you would.

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Oh I see, you're a troll.

Beseen22 · 12/08/2023 22:59

I grew up in this life. Women could have jobs but their priority was to their home and family. Women should be dressed modestly, on Sundays it had to be a skirt to the knee. Hair long and head must be covered at church. Women were not allowed to speak during a service..if there was to be a report on the work Women were doing they would write it down and their husbands would read it out to the church. Men were also welcoming at the door and did all the finance/admin. Women were involved in the cleaning and preparing food and teaching Sunday school/creche. Bimonthly teaching meetings on headship and modesty and purity.

I don't know whether all those on insta are playing at it but the girls I know certainly aren't. Many women I know were engaged from university and had children as soon as they were married and that has been their role ever since. A good friend of mine won't leave the house even for 30 minutes without asking her DH, if we are out for a walk and I asked her to grab a coffee after she would phone him and he often says no she needs to be back for the children.

Whilst these Women have had the freedoms given by feminists of the past using those freedoms is not always possible. Most people I grew up with do not vote. They all socialise solely within church settings so there is very little outside influence. If they were to leave their marriage they would be 'read out' of their church and have no further fellowship with them (their friends and family). They would have very little ability to afford to leave because they would have so few earning opportunities due to very little employment history.

wineschmine · 12/08/2023 23:09

I find it interesting. Mainly because I've always loved the idea of being a tradwife.

Escapism I guess as I am the main breadwinner and feel very weighed down with responsibilities and feel guilty and not being a good enough mum / work too much.

So from that point of view I'm very intrigued and love the idea of it.

But I have seen a couple of these young trade wives. And I always find it so jarring that they got married and popped out multiple kids so young.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 12/08/2023 23:55

Beseen22 · 12/08/2023 22:59

I grew up in this life. Women could have jobs but their priority was to their home and family. Women should be dressed modestly, on Sundays it had to be a skirt to the knee. Hair long and head must be covered at church. Women were not allowed to speak during a service..if there was to be a report on the work Women were doing they would write it down and their husbands would read it out to the church. Men were also welcoming at the door and did all the finance/admin. Women were involved in the cleaning and preparing food and teaching Sunday school/creche. Bimonthly teaching meetings on headship and modesty and purity.

I don't know whether all those on insta are playing at it but the girls I know certainly aren't. Many women I know were engaged from university and had children as soon as they were married and that has been their role ever since. A good friend of mine won't leave the house even for 30 minutes without asking her DH, if we are out for a walk and I asked her to grab a coffee after she would phone him and he often says no she needs to be back for the children.

Whilst these Women have had the freedoms given by feminists of the past using those freedoms is not always possible. Most people I grew up with do not vote. They all socialise solely within church settings so there is very little outside influence. If they were to leave their marriage they would be 'read out' of their church and have no further fellowship with them (their friends and family). They would have very little ability to afford to leave because they would have so few earning opportunities due to very little employment history.

It sounds horrendous. May I ask how you got out of it?

Moneynewpence · 13/08/2023 00:07

Mischance · 12/08/2023 18:18

It's not about a "movement" - it is about adults having the right to choose how they live their lives. Some women choose to be homemakers - others choose a career outside the home. Either way this is what women's lib was about - the right to choose.

Feminism (not "women's lib" , barf) is and always has been about the oppressive effects of patriarchy. Choice does not exist in a vacuum.

continentallentil · 13/08/2023 00:23

It comes round every 15 years or so

A previous iteration was The Surrendered Wife.

continentallentil · 13/08/2023 00:26

Beseen22 · 12/08/2023 22:59

I grew up in this life. Women could have jobs but their priority was to their home and family. Women should be dressed modestly, on Sundays it had to be a skirt to the knee. Hair long and head must be covered at church. Women were not allowed to speak during a service..if there was to be a report on the work Women were doing they would write it down and their husbands would read it out to the church. Men were also welcoming at the door and did all the finance/admin. Women were involved in the cleaning and preparing food and teaching Sunday school/creche. Bimonthly teaching meetings on headship and modesty and purity.

I don't know whether all those on insta are playing at it but the girls I know certainly aren't. Many women I know were engaged from university and had children as soon as they were married and that has been their role ever since. A good friend of mine won't leave the house even for 30 minutes without asking her DH, if we are out for a walk and I asked her to grab a coffee after she would phone him and he often says no she needs to be back for the children.

Whilst these Women have had the freedoms given by feminists of the past using those freedoms is not always possible. Most people I grew up with do not vote. They all socialise solely within church settings so there is very little outside influence. If they were to leave their marriage they would be 'read out' of their church and have no further fellowship with them (their friends and family). They would have very little ability to afford to leave because they would have so few earning opportunities due to very little employment history.

But this is Christianity patriarchy /quiverfull type stuff rather than just insta trad wives right?

So in that case definitely not playing at it and much more deeply toxic.

I hope you’re safely out.

zoomingale · 13/08/2023 00:32

Tradwife360 · 12/08/2023 20:56

I put it in quotation marks as women put their children into full time childcare for this career when they really are irreplaceable to their children.
And I do believe I am irreplaceable to my husband.. don’t you believe in true love anymore?? Maybe if you spent more time in the kitchen you would.

Show quote history

Hmm... are you a troll? Or just misogynistic and a bit dim. My money's on both.

TheAverageJoanne · 13/08/2023 00:32

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 12/08/2023 17:37

The one who goes to work has it easy. Minimum 8 hours a day at work, no house work, child care, domestic duties. Just come home and eat dinner.

No they don't.

It's a 13 hour daily extravaganza for me going to work, factoring in the time I get up, travel there, work, travel home and arrive. I don't just come home and eat dinner. I have to cook it.

With sleep that gives me 4 hours a day to do all the housework, DIY, cooking, gardening, shopping, (then there's washing up, putting shopping away, simple things that take time), life admin, then there's animal care, an attempt at self care and a social life.

There's just me to do everything.

CrabbiesGingerBeer · 13/08/2023 00:39

TheAverageJoanne · 13/08/2023 00:32

No they don't.

It's a 13 hour daily extravaganza for me going to work, factoring in the time I get up, travel there, work, travel home and arrive. I don't just come home and eat dinner. I have to cook it.

With sleep that gives me 4 hours a day to do all the housework, DIY, cooking, gardening, shopping, (then there's washing up, putting shopping away, simple things that take time), life admin, then there's animal care, an attempt at self care and a social life.

There's just me to do everything.

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But that’s the point - someone with a ‘tradwife’ does none of that other than go to work. They have someone at home doing absolutely everything else and they walk through the door to a clean house with a meal on the table.

Obviously someone doing all the work to keep the family going at home as well as working in a paid job doesn’t have it easy - @FormerlyPathologicallyHappy was talking about people where the roles in the family are split between the husband who works and the wife who stays home and saying the person who works has it easier than the person who is expected to do everything else.

How hard it is to be a single parent (and I completely accept it’s very hard!) is completely irrelevant to the point being made,

vimtogirl · 13/08/2023 01:00

I'm a "trad wife" but before I got married and had children, I worked, educated myself and have a good career to go back to if I want to.

I chose to be a traditional stay at home mother and wife and align to these values as part of my religion also!

I think what these young girls are influencing is a complete fantasy and they will soon get bored of that "trend"

SuperNewMe · 13/08/2023 01:12

babysharkdoodoodedoodedoo · 12/08/2023 17:19

She doesn’t believe women should work, and thinks it’s a man’s place to work while a woman should stay home and clean, cook and care for children. Forgot to mention that part, although assume it’s obvious!

So?
That's a valid choice.
Can't be doing with others thinking that's awful, blah blah.
When ours were kids, I stayed at home for 15 years as a SAHM.
Each to their own and what works for you

SuperNewMe · 13/08/2023 01:16

A good friend of mine won't leave the house even for 30 minutes without asking her DH, if we are out for a walk and I asked her to grab a coffee after she would phone him
Urgh, jeez that's a whole new level and fuck that! Nope no way that's just control

TeenLifeMum · 13/08/2023 01:21

Dh and I often agree we could do with a housewife… we hired a cleaner but someone to sort school and club admin would also be great. We both work ft.

Beseen22 · 13/08/2023 06:44

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves I was sadly too gobby for the lifestyle and married a rebellious man from the same unbringing(engaged at 19!) and it came quite naturally after we had children. However it never quite leaves you, that was my entire influence for the first 25 plus years and the first few years of my marriage. These are not extreme churches at all really...there would be at least one in every town and city in the UK.

Bellyblueboy · 13/08/2023 10:55

vimtogirl · 13/08/2023 01:00

I'm a "trad wife" but before I got married and had children, I worked, educated myself and have a good career to go back to if I want to.

I chose to be a traditional stay at home mother and wife and align to these values as part of my religion also!

I think what these young girls are influencing is a complete fantasy and they will soon get bored of that "trend"

out of interest do you have girls or boys or both?

what do you teach them about gender roles?

does the man automatically drive in your family? Does he pay when you go out for a meal? Do the children see the man taking charge and the woman making his life easy? Do the boys learn how to do household chores - or will they expect a woman to always pick up after them?

I do see this in work a lot - men suggest coffee mornings as fund raisers but never make a cup of coffee or bring in a bun. Disappear when it’s time to clean up. Men sit in meetings and expect coffee to appear infront of them (even when they are the most junior people in the room). Men walk away from a meeting room and never think to tidy up. Men talking over the top of women in meetings and assuming any female i. The room is junior to them. Because this is what they saw at home. Women are there to look after men.

of course everyone has the freedom to choose their own path in life - and being a SAHM doesn’t mean your kids will grow up to be sexist. But you also need to be mindful of the stereotypes that kids pick up on.