Tradwives

[babysharkdoodoodedoodedoo]

Whilst mindlessly scrolling through Instagram the other day, a video came up on my feed (whatever that section is called where they post suggested videos) of a ‘tradwife’ - an American woman (she must have been no older than 24) who was actively promoting a traditional married lifestyle - a man as provider, woman as homemaker, with the man as the ‘leader’ of the family and the wife submitting to her husband’s leadership. She posts videos of herself cooking and cleaning and dressing up for her husband every day, and regularly speaks about how she has certain rules for herself to keep herself in her place, like not going out after dark without her husband, asking her husbands permission before she does things. I got the impression that she likes this lifestyle and has chosen it and he goes along with it - she’s always talking about how it was her lifelong dream to live like this. She’s even started dressing in retro housewife outfits - like a sort of 1950s vibe. Don’t get me wrong, she looks amazing and seems very happy. I was intrigued about this movement and when I Googled it, it seems that this is a growing movement with lots of people posting about it and promoting the lifestyle. I was so surprised as I’ve never really met anyone like this. I was wondering if anyone on Mumsnet is a part of this movement (or even just follows this lifestyle/holds these beliefs in private). No reason really other than curiosity!

@Bellyblueboy I have a girl and a boy and another boy on the way!

My children are 5 and 2 so right now surviving the small child days but ideally I'll raise them as equals, my boys will learn to run a household just as my daughter will. I want my sons to know a woman's worth and my daughter to appreciate a man's worth (and hopefully recognise a decent worth while man)

Hopefully my daughter will be a well rounded woman who can cook/clean and choose her own path whatever that might be! (I had to self teach my self everything as I wasn't taught anything growing up and I don't want my daughter to feel awkward not knowing basic cleaning like I did!)

Hopefully my sons will go on to have a career which they enjoy and know how to treat their wife (whatever path she takes) and respect them and their choices and be a husband that they would be proud of, I don't plan to raise him to expect to be catered for!

Regarding driving.. my husband usually drives (I like to get the down time in passenger seat) but I drive too and sometimes feel like driving and will

As I type, I have my 2 year old son attempting to "pair socks" and occasionally swiping the skirting board with a baby wipe and my daughter is playing with barbies

It is interesting. That you don’t want your daughter to be embarrassed by not knowing how to clean and you want your sons to have a career.

a lot of people would have worded that I want all my children to be successful independent adults who know the basics about running a household.

you focused o. Your sons for the career and your daughter for the cleaning.

maybe an bias creeping in there that you aren’t even aware of?

You'll raise them as equal but hopefully your daughter will know how to cook and clean, and your sons will have a career?

God that's depressing.

Daughters should learn to cook and clean while sons should pursue a career?

Your poor daughter and your poor future DILs (assuming that they're straight and that they can actually persuade someone to marry them).

Equality is a long way off isn’t it.

what hope do girls have when they are raised this way.

These kids are tiny - yet low ambitions and household duties are being foisted in the girl while the boys are being set up to strive for success.

I truly hope @vimtogirl ’s daughter grows up to be a successful business icon. I hope she has the confidence to know her worth and overcome her upbringing. It took me years.

I wonder are her sons told they can be SAHP’s - I wonder are they told it would be embarrassing if they didn’t know how to clean?

I think my brain would die being a trad wife. They have a choice to do that and choose not to go out after dark etc. If there ability to make those choices were taken away and they were forced to live like it then it would be a different story.
I think these ladies also forget that their husbands can become totally alienated from their wives - if a person has no life outside the home and makes her husband and children her whole life it could become tiresome. Plus it's lots of pressure being the sole provider - I didn't realise how much until my partner was a sahp, its like this whole level of extra self imposed pressure. Same if one person has to make all descisions, it makes other person child like. What do these women do if men leave or die and they have never paid bills or organised money?

Is seems large swathes of Christian fundies in the 'States spout this BS on the regular.

I don't think I've explained properly

I wrote in the paragraph that both of them will learn to run a household and I said my daughter is free to do whatever she wants to do but as a bonus she will Atleast know how to cook and clean just like my son.

I think you lot like to pick and choose what you read!

Of course I want my daughter to know how to cook and clean just like my son! I mentioned I want my son to have a career as I wouldn't want him jobless!

And to the person who said she hopes my daughter recovers from her childhood. She's fucking 5. She has an amazing childhood. It's me who had to recover from a childhood where my mother couldn't teach me basics such as how to wash and fold clothes, clean a bathroom, cook a decent meal.

@Bellyblueboy my son will learn exactly the same, as I mentioned, to know how to run a household.

I think every single human female or male should know how to cook and clean.

I mentioned I want my son to have a career as I wouldn't want him jobless!

Would you be happy if he was a stay at home dad?

@vimtogirl i am sorry but I still see sexism in your posts.

you only mention career in reference to your boys.

I think the gender roles are so engrained you don’t see it. The man works and the woman cleans. Men should have a career. You don’t want you son to be jobless and you don’t want your daughter to now know how to clean. Those come out as your biggest fears for your children.

Career = boy
Cleaning = girl

If that's what him and his wife agreed on and it works for them, I'd support and be happy for them

@Bellyblueboy well that's the way you're taking it that's fine. I found it demoralising when I didn't know basic things and it was my husband who taught me how to clean properly.

I would never want my children to be adults and be resentful I didn't teach them how to be efficient adults.

I know a few families who function like this.
the biggest problem I have with it: if all women became TradWives there would be very few teachers, midwives, nurses, etc around, as these are jobs where women are mostly employed.

It's me who had to recover from a childhood where my mother couldn't teach me basics such as how to wash and fold clothes, clean a bathroom, cook a decent meal.

this isn’t child abuse. I know lots of people who weren’t taught this - I wasn’t because I had a working mum. She just yelled at us and expected us to do it!

my best friend wasn’t taught because they had a housekeeper who did it all.

as an adult it’s not hard to figure out these basic tasks.

it’s much harder to rebuild confidence, to unconditional yourself from believing men should be in charge, girls role is care giving and ‘being kind’.

I am sure your daughter will be able to read a washing machine manual or learn how to boil an egg. She might not be able to rebuild confidence that she can be a CEO with a stay at home husband - or a housekeeper!

That is not the biggest problem I have!!

thankfully men are now becoming nurses, teachers and midwives!!! It’s not 1950 and women don’t have limit themselves into caring roles.

we are talking about 50% of the world talent here! What about the future entrepreneurs, inventors, leaders, politicians, astronauts, pilots, doctors, prime ministers?

how fucking depressing - don’t get me wrong - nursing and teaching. Are valuable careers but they aren’t the only roles women can have in the workforce

My twenty year old daughter gawd love her recently declared this is her ambition.
It's a massive 🙄🙄🙄 and ffs from me who has been a working mum all their lives and a single one for the past 5 years. We had small holdings too when they were young. Perhaps she looks at me and thinks it all looks a bit too much like hard work and therefore will set her sights on finding a rich husband so she can play house. She's an introvert unlike me who can go weeks/months with no outside contact. Both her grandmothers were quiet (boring) homemakers with nothing to talk about other than the weather and what had been on tv. Each to their own I guess abut I am recommending she get some skills which could earn her money as a Plan B.

@Bellyblueboy I don't know where you are getting all these assumptions.

My daughter has hobbies, loves school, is bilingual and will be encouraged to do the best at school

(I was in the middle of writing a long paragraph... then my daughter came in with a painting of daddy and said she wants to be just like him when she grows up and if her husband works then I might need to babysit )

Don't think she'll have a problem

Okay - so do you want you daughter to have a career just like her brother?

At lot of the online 'tradwives' are actually savvy content creators who made it their niche e.g. Stacey Dooley has a doc with one and its clear she's running the show while the husband goes with it.
The average tradwife husband normally plays the part of bumbling but loveable fool who can't fold socks tehe.

They'd actually hate an authoritarian controlling husband who watches their every move and dictates the whole families entire lives

So @vimtogirl, if you want all of them to learn to cook and clean, why did you particularly focus in on teaching your daughter those skills? It implies that you think they will be more important for her than for your sons? And if you want to raise them equally, why are you focused on your sons having careers but seemingly not being too worried about this for your daughters?

You say you are raising them equally but that isn't reflected in what you've said here.

PowerhouseOfTheCell
You're right. They're monetising a fantasy safe in the knowledge that they'd be ok if the marriage were to end, or the relationship turned bad and they needed to leave.

Their husbands are also likely to be supportive of the grift as well as it brings in some extra money and they get presented as the big important man.

It's cosplay/LARPing from a position of privilege.

So trad wife is part of your religion. Your religion is tied to how you see your role within the family and society. You personal values are based on your religion, which includes this ‘Trad wife’ set up.
Your religion is the basis for how you live your life and this set up is part of that?

But you are bringing your children up in direct conflict with your own values? in contradiction to a religion that’s so important to you, you have made major life choices based on it?

And it’s just a typing error that your post saying you teach your daughter to keep a house and want your son to have a career. It’s just a coincidence that, the typing error matches your values that you live your own life by?

@Bellyblueboy would love her to!

That’s great. Your posts did concern me. The cleaning for the girl and the career for the boy.

I honestly hope all your children grow up to be successful, independent and happy.

the message your daughter gets should be no different to that of your sons. There is no tragedy if she doesn’t know how to clean. It’s not difficult to figure out.

I do think you need to acknowledge you have some inherent and ingrained sexism. Everyone could see it in your posts.