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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Tradwives

238 replies

babysharkdoodoodedoodedoo · 12/08/2023 17:12

Whilst mindlessly scrolling through Instagram the other day, a video came up on my feed (whatever that section is called where they post suggested videos) of a ‘tradwife’ - an American woman (she must have been no older than 24) who was actively promoting a traditional married lifestyle - a man as provider, woman as homemaker, with the man as the ‘leader’ of the family and the wife submitting to her husband’s leadership. She posts videos of herself cooking and cleaning and dressing up for her husband every day, and regularly speaks about how she has certain rules for herself to keep herself in her place, like not going out after dark without her husband, asking her husbands permission before she does things. I got the impression that she likes this lifestyle and has chosen it and he goes along with it - she’s always talking about how it was her lifelong dream to live like this. She’s even started dressing in retro housewife outfits - like a sort of 1950s vibe. Don’t get me wrong, she looks amazing and seems very happy. I was intrigued about this movement and when I Googled it, it seems that this is a growing movement with lots of people posting about it and promoting the lifestyle. I was so surprised as I’ve never really met anyone like this. I was wondering if anyone on Mumsnet is a part of this movement (or even just follows this lifestyle/holds these beliefs in private). No reason really other than curiosity!

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 12/08/2023 19:57

Donewithrenovating Not sure about the photogenic siblings but definitely has good hair, recently had a baby and I'm in awe of her discipline for her workout time.

LolaSmiles · 12/08/2023 20:00

Donewithrenovating I've just had a look on their socials. Definitely got the billions of photogenic siblings.

Charrington · 12/08/2023 20:02

This, or similar nonsense, does the rounds every few years.
I do enjoy the implication that other women who work outside the home are misled by feminism into pursuing power over their pathetically emasculated husbands, not just earning money to keep a roof over the family’s heads in an economy that doesn’t afford the choice not to.

Women have always worked. It’s just that there was a brief period post WW2 where, for the good of society, getting unemployed veterans back into sustained and steady employment was in the national interest, and the propaganda machine was still in full swing. And anyway women in the home, pre electrification worked damn hard.

And when the daughters of the war generation, who had seen their mothers being heroes, grew up and started to push back the patriarchy the propaganda machine that had dispersed into advertising, tv and Hollywood tried to cling on to a fake image that was no more representative of real life than Instagram.

But it’s always (Total Women … Surrendered Wives… Trad Wives) about white women in 1950s florals. In the US at least, that image was underpinned by the domestic labour of black women doing the nasty jobs that get your pretty dress dirty.

It took centuries to dismantle marital couverture - much longer than to abolish slavery. Wives, just like slaves had no legal existence except as property. There are still traces today.

Women embracing this lifestyle (hah) are either dangerously naive or deeply disingenuous. The fact that they monetise this, makes me think the latter.

Who benefits?

Donewithrenovating · 12/08/2023 20:03

Bet it’s the same. Music academy? I actually really loved her stuff, she is a genius organiser and I feel really sad about how her husband has just taken it all over.

Her little sister got married at 19 and is now pregnant with her second child, other other little sister is pregnant with her third at about 25 and is so ridiculously beautiful, which I find fascinating in terms of how it gives it all a pretty gloss. Their mom (also ravishingly gorgeous) recommends complete surrender and giving up on details like knowing about your family’s finances… ironically she’s now a mega mlm nutrition seller and yes, her own husband has got in on that.

Cosycatz · 12/08/2023 20:07

calmcoco · 12/08/2023 17:56

It's tiring and hard dealing with reality and responsibilities. Being a tradwife is a way out of that.

A bit like conspiracy theories are a way out of dealing with the fact life is random.

It's a game of make believe.

This sums it up. It is a fantasy life by very codependent and dysfunctional women who have not been able to develop fully into adults. I also find the notion that you would promote the way you live day to day very strange. I mean why would anyone need to do that. Just live it.

Notimeforaname · 12/08/2023 20:11

Eh… if they’re happy with their choice then more power to them. As long as someone is paying the bills and it’s not the taxpayer then it’s fine with me

I couldn't agree more. We're all entitled to live life the way we want to. Nothing wrong with being a traditional wife if thats what both parties want.

LolaSmiles · 12/08/2023 20:11

Donewithrenovating
We're definitely thinking about the same person.

It's a shame you mentioned MLMs. It seems that these content creators who are pro women working in the home around children often end up doing something MLM related.

DinoDough · 12/08/2023 20:16

saltinesandcoffeecups · 12/08/2023 17:25

Eh… if they’re happy with their choice then more power to them. As long as someone is paying the bills and it’s not the taxpayer then it’s fine with me

This.

I wouldn’t want to be a grad wife but I would love to be a housewife and SAHM without having to work. I enjoy cleaning and cooking and baking bread and sorting the garden and doing DIY etc. I don’t care that this isn’t very ‘feminist’ it’s what I would love to do. I don’t want a high flying career anymore,
I want to support my family in the day to day tasks.

We all want different things and I don’t judge another woman for wanting to be a grad wife even thighs that’s way too extreme for me.

DinoDough · 12/08/2023 20:16

Tradwife, must check before posting!

Donewithrenovating · 12/08/2023 20:19

Sorry, what do you mean it’s a shame I mentioned it? (That sounds huffy, it’s not at all I just mean do you think I shouldn’t have commented on it? Or am i misunderstanding you?)

I am delighted to find someone else who knows who she is! I think she’s fascinating because she is so obviously so smart and driven that she almost can’t help making a success of herself and then inevitably when she does the DH has to almost bumble over and take it over.

Compared to Farmhouse on Boone where Lisa is quite traditional wife with 8 kids but is open that her husband now works with her behind the scenes supporting what she does. I think the reason that works because they’re focusing on the connection between a female influencer and a largely female audience.

It jarred so much when E just took over and instead of having K show me how to reorganise my kitchen and get a ton of from-scratch cooking in a very time-focused way, I now have 45 seconds of cheesy montage of the Happiest Family Ever and then him wittering on as they sit stiffly on a sofa.

Cosycatz · 12/08/2023 20:22

Tradwife is nothing like SAHW in my book. Nothing wrong with working as a team with your spouse in any equitable relationship where labour and money are shared. My parents had a very functional version of an equal split of SAHM and WOHF. DH and I try to split work and home responsibilities as best as we can.

It is the submissive thing that makes me cold. Why would one adult submit to another? Utterly dysfunctional.

Tradwife360 · 12/08/2023 20:25

Finally my username makes sense on a thread and won’t just get me flamed..
I absolutely love my lifestyle and wouldn’t swap it for the best ‘career’ in the world. Why work for someone that would replace you tomorrow when you are absolutely irreplaceable to your husband and children. I think all men secretly want to be married to a tradwife!

Caprisunny · 12/08/2023 20:36

Tradwife360 · 12/08/2023 20:25

Finally my username makes sense on a thread and won’t just get me flamed..
I absolutely love my lifestyle and wouldn’t swap it for the best ‘career’ in the world. Why work for someone that would replace you tomorrow when you are absolutely irreplaceable to your husband and children. I think all men secretly want to be married to a tradwife!

Oh the Irony!

All men want women like you do they?

YoungBritishPissArtist · 12/08/2023 20:39

Tradwife360 · 12/08/2023 20:25

Finally my username makes sense on a thread and won’t just get me flamed..
I absolutely love my lifestyle and wouldn’t swap it for the best ‘career’ in the world. Why work for someone that would replace you tomorrow when you are absolutely irreplaceable to your husband and children. I think all men secretly want to be married to a tradwife!

I hope you’re never replaced…

WeWereInParis · 12/08/2023 20:41

Tradwife360 · 12/08/2023 20:25

Finally my username makes sense on a thread and won’t just get me flamed..
I absolutely love my lifestyle and wouldn’t swap it for the best ‘career’ in the world. Why work for someone that would replace you tomorrow when you are absolutely irreplaceable to your husband and children. I think all men secretly want to be married to a tradwife!

I am genuinely happy for anyone who enjoys their life, finds it fulfilling, and has found a partner who feels the same. I don't doubt that you think it's the best way to live your life, and that you have no wish to change it. But your last sentence (like most blanket statements) is absolute bullshit. How do you account for stay at home dads? Are they all bullied/coerced into it rather than it being their choice, and secretly miserable and wishing they could trade places with their wives?

NotTodaySanta · 12/08/2023 20:47

Tradwife360 · 12/08/2023 20:25

Finally my username makes sense on a thread and won’t just get me flamed..
I absolutely love my lifestyle and wouldn’t swap it for the best ‘career’ in the world. Why work for someone that would replace you tomorrow when you are absolutely irreplaceable to your husband and children. I think all men secretly want to be married to a tradwife!

Why have you put career in quotation marks? Is a career only genuine if a man has it?

Also just an FYI, you're not irreplaceable to your husband.

CrabbiesGingerBeer · 12/08/2023 20:50

Donewithrenovating · 12/08/2023 18:32

I agree, however having delved into the background a lot via Duggarsnark it is extraordinary how abusively sheltered her life was, hers and her sister Priscilla. It seems she was only told what sex was on her marriage night, and the marriage was really brokered by her parents and the duggars, who were looking for someone really clueless.

But you are right and I will be surprised if her children are allowed to stay with her when he is out. Hopefully mostly grown up by then too.

Apparently incest and abuse is rife in that whole religious community.

This. Plus there is a picture of her on the beach with her new husband the day after the wedding and she looks shell shocked.

Bearing in mind there’s fairly credible evidence (from a woman who claims she had sex with him plus his preferred CSA material) that Josh Duggar likes really rough / degrading sex and she would have been told she could never say no to him sexually or she would go to hell, I have no doubt her wedding night (and subsequent marriage) was a nightmare.

If she’s doubled down by clinging to her religion (which says she must trust and obey her husband), bearing in mind she has no education (‘homeschooling’ in the US has almost no checks - she’s minimally educated) and no options, I find it hard to blame her.

Josh’s sister Jill (who has pretty much got out of the cult due to marrying a man who actually seems to care about her) has a book coming out shortly and was in a recent documentary - she gives a lot of inside information about the level of brainwashing that goes on.

Tradwife360 · 12/08/2023 20:53

WeWereInParis · 12/08/2023 20:41

I am genuinely happy for anyone who enjoys their life, finds it fulfilling, and has found a partner who feels the same. I don't doubt that you think it's the best way to live your life, and that you have no wish to change it. But your last sentence (like most blanket statements) is absolute bullshit. How do you account for stay at home dads? Are they all bullied/coerced into it rather than it being their choice, and secretly miserable and wishing they could trade places with their wives?

I think there are always anomalies to the rules, but most women who’s husbands are at home don’t seem to actually respect them or find them attractive.

Tradwife360 · 12/08/2023 20:56

NotTodaySanta · 12/08/2023 20:47

Why have you put career in quotation marks? Is a career only genuine if a man has it?

Also just an FYI, you're not irreplaceable to your husband.

I put it in quotation marks as women put their children into full time childcare for this career when they really are irreplaceable to their children.
And I do believe I am irreplaceable to my husband.. don’t you believe in true love anymore?? Maybe if you spent more time in the kitchen you would.

dramoy · 12/08/2023 20:59

I put it in quotation marks as women put their children into full time childcare for this career when they really are irreplaceable to their children.

Why aren't fathers irreplaceable to their children?

GarlicGrace · 12/08/2023 21:01

I'd quite like a domestic servant tradwife! Either sex, I shan't be bothering him/her for That Sort Of Thing.

Do their servile aspirations still hold good if I'm broke, or is it actually a career choice?

WeWereInParis · 12/08/2023 21:12

I put it in quotation marks as women put their children into full time childcare for this career when they really are irreplaceable to their children.
And I do believe I am irreplaceable to my husband.. don’t you believe in true love anymore?? Maybe if you spent more time in the kitchen you would.

I don't even know where to start with this.

Both parents put their children into childcare. If the father didn't like it, he could stay at home and care for them.

Fathers are also irreplaceable to their children.

The world is full of women who believed they were irreplaceable to their husbands, and then they found out they weren't. I know that sounds a bit cynical, but I'm not really that cynical generally, and I'm very happily married - I just don't believe anyone is irreplaceable, except for loving parents.

I don't even know what to say to your kitchen comment, other than that I'm sort of starting to think you might actually just be taking the piss of tradwives. We'd all believe in true love more if we spent more time in the kitchen?? What, because if we whip up enough apple pies our husbands would truly love us and never leave?

Theeyeballsinthesky · 12/08/2023 21:14

Tradwife360 · 12/08/2023 20:25

Finally my username makes sense on a thread and won’t just get me flamed..
I absolutely love my lifestyle and wouldn’t swap it for the best ‘career’ in the world. Why work for someone that would replace you tomorrow when you are absolutely irreplaceable to your husband and children. I think all men secretly want to be married to a tradwife!

That’s nice dear

and all those husbands replacing their middle aged wives when they get to middle age are just a figment of our imagination 🙄

Caprisunny · 12/08/2023 21:16

Tradwife360 · 12/08/2023 20:56

I put it in quotation marks as women put their children into full time childcare for this career when they really are irreplaceable to their children.
And I do believe I am irreplaceable to my husband.. don’t you believe in true love anymore?? Maybe if you spent more time in the kitchen you would.

Kitchen? Are your drugging him? That’s not true love. 😂

What do you mean by true love? Love between partners isn’t ever unconditional. That doesn’t exist.

I am irreplaceable to my kids. Even now and one of them is an adult. My adult dd and I are very close. Same with my teen Ds.

I also have a career. And I can cook! So can Dp though.

dramoy · 12/08/2023 21:16

And I do believe I am irreplaceable to my husband.. don’t you believe in true love anymore??

This doesn't make sense & you're clearly trolling but I'm bored!