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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel this down about early getups

316 replies

Itsthemornings · 12/08/2023 16:46

So we have a nearly 3 yo and newborn. Nearly 3yo wakes at 5 or half four every single day. Thought this might have got better when he dropped his nap but it hasn’t.

Nothing seems to make any difference, and I don’t really understand it as he’s tired but can’t get him back to sleep. It’s always been tough but now with a newborn the level of sleep deprivation is horrendous.

If you had an early waker, when did it improve? I don’t want him to stay in bed until 9 or anything but 6/half 6 would be fine.

OP posts:
Original poster
Itsthemornings · 13/08/2023 07:04

@niclw - I think you, I and quite a lot of others on this thread do just have early risers. It’s not unusual. But it sucks.

@Sexisthairdressers do you actually want me to go into my long and complicated history TTC? I’m not going to. I’m just going to say it’s possible to have given everything to have babies, adore them fiercely and still be exhausted by them.

OP posts:
Yellowlegobrick · 13/08/2023 07:12

Honestly if the only thing that'll do it is brute force, that's what I'd do. If he really will not respond to any bribe, threat, offer of toys etc. To be honest at almost 3 i would not have tolerated that level of disobedience.

I'd warn him in advance that he would not be allowed up at 5am.

I'd either get in bed with him and hold him there - explaining quietly that I'd warned him this would happen.

Or I'd lock his bedroom door.

Goldencup · 13/08/2023 07:12

Itsthemornings · 13/08/2023 06:41

I don’t think ADHD is diagnosed in this age group and at the risk of causing great offence I don’t think it’s helpful to say he is or isn’t for that matter.

How was it this morning OP ?

Mouthfulofquiz · 13/08/2023 07:20

Oh I remember the early waking days… I had a nearly 4yo, 2 yo and newborn. I used to make a bed on the floor with two duvets, pillows etc in the living room and stick whatever tv program on that they were obsessed with at the time. Feed the newborn, give the other two some food on the side that I had prepared the day before and try to doze. I used to lock the kitchen door and the cupboard under the tv etc to stop the older two getting hold of anything dangerous. You just have to do what you can to get through it.
mine were obsessed with Thomas the Tank engine are there were many series and movies available so that’s what we went with.

mellongoose · 13/08/2023 07:21

He just wants you 🤷‍♀️

You're at the coal face but you need to dig deep and go with it. Earlier nights for you and accept that your day starts earlier than usual.

Been there. It does get better!

Original poster
Itsthemornings · 13/08/2023 07:25

It’s funny but a lot of people seem to have skipped over the fact I have a newborn! I can’t just go to bed at 8 and sleep through until 5. It was nearly 11 last night when the baby stopped feeding and then woke at 2. Baby now sound asleep while ds1 is alert and happy (as I’d expect at nearly 730 tbf.)

OP posts:
autienotnaughti · 13/08/2023 07:32

Op early riser dies not mean adhd. And you are right it's not something that gets diagnosed at 3. Sorry if I've missed something but where's your dp in this. My baby slept best between 8-12 so I went to bed at 8 , (after older dc went to bed) dh stayed up dealt with older dc (toilet etc) if needed and did a feed at around 12 baby usually settled till 2/3 so I got around 6 hours. Plus any extra after that.

Original poster
Itsthemornings · 13/08/2023 07:34

Dh is good but DS is so noisy he inevitably wakes both of us up. He also likes to see us both so even if he wasn’t so loud we’d still be aware of his glorious presence. Totally getting revenge when he’s a teenager!

OP posts:
SorrentoLemon · 13/08/2023 07:34

It's just one of these things you have to surrender to. It sounds odd, but just accepting this is how things are made me feel a lot more relaxed about it. I found the stress of trying all sorts to 'fix it' made me feel so much worse! It's impossible to say when it'll end, but for me, something changed at 4 and 6.30/7am became the norm.

PurpleWhirple · 13/08/2023 07:37

Hankunamatata · 12/08/2023 17:09

This was us for years (sobs) we survived by each having a lie in either Saturday or Sunday and we fought lots about it.

No advice just sympathy. It did get better when started school and they could watch tv for a bit themselves

This. My kids are in high school and still get up at 6. It got better when they were about 4 (so moving from 4/5 ish to 6) as they could get up and watch telly alone for a bit.

abmac95 · 13/08/2023 07:52

No advice but I can imagine how shit it is....i guess it will pass eventually

Goldencup · 13/08/2023 07:57

Itsthemornings · 13/08/2023 07:25

It’s funny but a lot of people seem to have skipped over the fact I have a newborn! I can’t just go to bed at 8 and sleep through until 5. It was nearly 11 last night when the baby stopped feeding and then woke at 2. Baby now sound asleep while ds1 is alert and happy (as I’d expect at nearly 730 tbf.)

How old is newborn ( 3 days is very different to 8 weeks). If older than a month I would wake him up to feed and start his day ( I know this is controversial) it is probrably easier to get the newborn to fit onto an early schedule than try to push your 3 yr old later.

Yellowlegobrick · 13/08/2023 08:04

Aaargh no do not do what goldencup suggests. Solve the problem you have, don't add another to fix later.

Fundamentally, your son needs to learn that being out of his bed/room at 5am achieves nothing. No lovely mummy time with full attention while baby is asleep, no screens, no comfy stories in bed, no breakfast etc.

Luhou · 13/08/2023 08:08

FYI I would do a quick nappy change before leaving her to look at books/audio books.

You obviously haven't found a solution here, Call in help from any support network you may have. Hope it gets better soon.

bybbl · 13/08/2023 08:22

Itsthemornings · 12/08/2023 16:46

So we have a nearly 3 yo and newborn. Nearly 3yo wakes at 5 or half four every single day. Thought this might have got better when he dropped his nap but it hasn’t.

Nothing seems to make any difference, and I don’t really understand it as he’s tired but can’t get him back to sleep. It’s always been tough but now with a newborn the level of sleep deprivation is horrendous.

If you had an early waker, when did it improve? I don’t want him to stay in bed until 9 or anything but 6/half 6 would be fine.

@Itsthemornings my sister was exactly like you. Claimed nothing would work for her DS, he didn’t like this/wasn’t interested in that/this didn’t work/he’d just scream/it would be abusive etc erc… essentially everything you’ve said.

Eventually she got a sleep consultant after literally months of our suggestions of it (which were all met with the same attitude you have)… and guess what… two weeks later it was resolved.

I know you’re tired which is probably where the attitude comes in. But get a sleep consultant, pay for it (hers was 1500) and move on with your life.

SorrentoLemon · 13/08/2023 08:25

bybbl · 13/08/2023 08:22

@Itsthemornings my sister was exactly like you. Claimed nothing would work for her DS, he didn’t like this/wasn’t interested in that/this didn’t work/he’d just scream/it would be abusive etc erc… essentially everything you’ve said.

Eventually she got a sleep consultant after literally months of our suggestions of it (which were all met with the same attitude you have)… and guess what… two weeks later it was resolved.

I know you’re tired which is probably where the attitude comes in. But get a sleep consultant, pay for it (hers was 1500) and move on with your life.

Show quote history

That's lovely for your sister. A couple of friends paid out £££ for sleep consultants and it never worked.

Just because something worked for one person, doesn't mean it'll work for everyone.

The OP has said multiple times she's not asking for suggestions - accept that.

Taking a jab at her 'attitude' just for the sake of it is incredibly unhelpful.

bybbl · 13/08/2023 08:29

SorrentoLemon · 13/08/2023 08:25

That's lovely for your sister. A couple of friends paid out £££ for sleep consultants and it never worked.

Just because something worked for one person, doesn't mean it'll work for everyone.

The OP has said multiple times she's not asking for suggestions - accept that.

Taking a jab at her 'attitude' just for the sake of it is incredibly unhelpful.

Show quote history

@SorrentoLemon @Itsthemornings asked when it would end.

Answer: potentially very soon with a sleep consultant.

Asking when will it end but not wanting to hear how the end came about doesn’t make sense, does it? Obviously people are going to post about what prompted the end to it?

As I said, exactly like my sister who now sleeps in until 8am.

If OP is genuinely that exhausted then she’d try anything, such as a sleep consultant.

SlippySarah · 13/08/2023 08:32

Mine grew out of it when she started secondary school! Now she sets an alarm lol. I just got used to it. Eventually she stopped coming in to see me and would go downstairs, put the telly on and get some breakfast but that was a very hard won battle. Essentially she couldn't get herself back to sleep after stirring and wanted me to be awake as well.

SlippySarah · 13/08/2023 08:35

Acceptance is the key to survival!

SorrentoLemon · 13/08/2023 08:35

bybbl · 13/08/2023 08:29

@SorrentoLemon @Itsthemornings asked when it would end.

Answer: potentially very soon with a sleep consultant.

Asking when will it end but not wanting to hear how the end came about doesn’t make sense, does it? Obviously people are going to post about what prompted the end to it?

As I said, exactly like my sister who now sleeps in until 8am.

If OP is genuinely that exhausted then she’d try anything, such as a sleep consultant.

Show quote history

Makes perfect sense to me - plenty of people have posted when it ended for them, without offering any further information (which OP doesnt want) with bitchy undertones about her "attitude" 🙂

sexnotgenders · 13/08/2023 08:36

Yellowlegobrick · 13/08/2023 07:12

Honestly if the only thing that'll do it is brute force, that's what I'd do. If he really will not respond to any bribe, threat, offer of toys etc. To be honest at almost 3 i would not have tolerated that level of disobedience.

I'd warn him in advance that he would not be allowed up at 5am.

I'd either get in bed with him and hold him there - explaining quietly that I'd warned him this would happen.

Or I'd lock his bedroom door.

Finally some sense! OP, you are choosing to let your toddler run your household. That's obviously your choice, but then you have to accept the consequences. You keep saying the groclock doesn't work. It doesn't work because you are not enforcing it. Again, that's your choice, but with enforcement it gives your toddler a structure to their mornings and a way to understand what is expected of them. It is a wonderful tool. My DD was horrendous with early starts. A week of enforcing the groclock solved the problem. Yes there were tears, but at 3 years old they are capable of understanding that this is a rule that must be obeyed, no negotiation (like cleaning their teeth for example), and therefore any tears are just in defiance and about control (as opposed to leaving a younger baby to cry who lacks the understanding of what's expected of them and may therefore feel 'abandoned'). Your reluctance to be the parent and take charge makes me wonder how you enforce other rules? Yes, he may have a lower sleep need and may not go back to sleep, but you can enforce quiet time in his room. That is absolutely within your control

Delatron · 13/08/2023 08:45

DaisyAndDonaldDuck · 12/08/2023 18:08

Most people don’t realise this, that’s why I said it.

Also if you give any screens, food or toys before 6am you will be encouraging the early wake ups long term.

Show quote history

This is true. Don’t allow him in to your bed (reward). Don’t put the TV on (reward and reinforces body clock). Do not get up and 4.30/5 as the body clock will stay stuck then.

Treat it the same as you would if they woke at 1am. Nobody is getting up and putting the TV on at 1am.

Delatron · 13/08/2023 08:47

You need to get tough rather than let a toddler dictate your life. There was no way in this earth I was getting up at 4.30am so it was straight back to bed until an acceptable time (7 or later). Yes there’ll be tantrums but if you don’t back down then it works. It takes a while but it does.

Niftyswiftie · 13/08/2023 08:47

Yellowlegobrick · 13/08/2023 07:12

Honestly if the only thing that'll do it is brute force, that's what I'd do. If he really will not respond to any bribe, threat, offer of toys etc. To be honest at almost 3 i would not have tolerated that level of disobedience.

I'd warn him in advance that he would not be allowed up at 5am.

I'd either get in bed with him and hold him there - explaining quietly that I'd warned him this would happen.

Or I'd lock his bedroom door.

Agree. He knows what he should be doing but is just deciding he doesn't want to do it. I wouldn't accept that.

Original poster
Itsthemornings · 13/08/2023 08:50

Sleep consultants can be helpful. We actually had one to break the habit of waking in the night which followed a nasty illness when ds1 (still feels funny writing that) was just over one. Six months later it was still a problem and we (I) got one. It got him sleeping through but it was then the early wakeups started. I have tried what is recommended by them of course and a lot of it is earlier bedtimes which hasn’t given us any joy.

I think a lot of you really didn’t read the OP properly and did miss the fact there is a brand new baby in the house (and the newborn is extremely new indeed.) I was ratty last night but when you say ‘he’s not really interested in CBeebies’ and are met with incredulity or ‘he wouldn’t follow an audiobook’ and are told he’s clearly got special needs when you’re functioning on about 2 hours broken sleep - I think I’d be exonerated by any jury for the unforgivable crime of not following MN helpful advice.

There are kind, supportive and understanding women here but there’s also some who are just unpleasant people. I’m sure this will be met with spluttering and squawking about how rude this is but it’s true.

Yeah, and I’m not locking my child into a bedroom. Honestly, some of the advice on here is both insane or cruel.

OP posts: