Made MIL cry?!

[Didntmeanto6]

I have always had a clash with my MIL because I find her controlling and she often tries to undermine me. My DP (8 years) sees her every day in the morning and she was telling me that she sometimes makes him a packed lunch 🙄 I said he is a 43 year old man I'm sure he can organise his own lunch, she said "yes but me I love my son" (emphasising with her voice that it must be in contrast to me).
I began to lose my temper a little so I said "do you warm some milk for him too?" and she said "listen it's simple, I am the first woman of his life", and I said "true but I will be the last".
Then she started crying and ran out of the room.
Now DP is saying that was insensitive of me because she lost her husband 6 years ago.
I am considering telling him he needs to deal with this situation and tell his mother to back off.
What do you think? In case it's relevant we are all from the same non UK European country

Oops, missed that they're not married, sorry.

Come off it- just say “tu”. As long as you do it warmly, she won’t mind. She probably thinks you’re weird for still being so formal with her.

@Didntmeanto6 you will probably have another 20 years of this sort of behaviour! Can you move away from her?

I began to lose my temper a little so I said "do you warm some milk for him too?"

I told him he could sleep there too because I felt like being bitchy to him. Because I was angry that its Saturday evening, and what's happening?

I am so angry that actually when I see her this week I might just address her as tu.

I think you need some anger management.

I think it’s embarrassing for all of you all round.

1. You partner accepting a packed lunch of his mum like a school boy. He could EASILY say no thanks mum
2. Your MIL sounds over powering and yes, it comes a cross like she wants to keep her son close, definitely reluctant to cut those apron strings
3. You are also petty and easily angered. Half of what she does can be ignored or dealt with if your partner had a back bone.

Then I could sense I was going to lose my temper so I said I would go and see her this week and he said "to apologise?" and I said no, I think it's time me and her had a little discussion.

This sounds so aggressive, you don’t want a chat or a talk but “a little discussion!”

This, definitely!😆😆

Typical! Two women at loggerheads over an overly pampered man baby who is probably loving this!
DH needs to sort this out rather than sitting back like a Cheshire cat whilst mummy runs around making him packed lunches. Of course he won't though as he's not in the firing line and is probably enjoying this.

Indeed.

Not stupid, is she?

I, too. @billy1966 is one of the posters on this site who consistently shows good sense and judgement.

There's more than a bit of a Jocasta vibe about this situation, and this is what I suspect OP is picking up on with her barbed 'dinner date' remarks.

MiL has played this one cleverly and can now claim (with some justification) that she's the victim here. OP has been goaded into the desired response, which now enables MiL to put another spanner into the works of this relationship.

DP won't ever move, and learned helplessness can be a powerful and manipulative tactic. It's one thing sons having a strong and loving bond with their mothers; it's quite another when this is conducted on a daily basis and encroaches into the independent family they've made. And when families are this enmeshed things don't get better with time. This is not a situation I'd consider bringing children into.

Susan Forward's Toxic In-Laws and the case study of Leslie is revealingly comparitive with this situation. OP, in your shoes I'd seriously consider cutting your losses, and letting her 'win'. It's clear you never will.

Wow ? You think he’s pampered because he does jobs around the house and garden for his widowed mum, and she makes him the odd pack lunch to say thank you ? It doesn’t sound as though he’s enjoying it either - I’ve been in the middle of a partner and a parent not getting on, and trust me, it’s not pleasant.

On your first point - why should he ? He does a lot for his mum since she was widowed and she says thank you with the occasional packed lunch. Saying no, would be petty and uncaring - saying no just to appease the OP is even worse.

Wow, you’re determined to escalate this aren’t you ? She lost her husband six years ago, at the age of 54. That’s young to be widowed. I lost mine 6 years ago in my late fifties. It’s a massive change and affects every single area of your life. Six years later I’m still making adjustments and the pain of grief is still there every day - you pack it away most of the time, but you don’t get over it, as some people who have never experienced the loss of a life partner seem to expect you to. And certain things trigger it - your comment about her demise would have done that.

Yes, she sees your DP every morning and has lunch with her daughter, but he’s right, it’s not the same. She still lives alone and she’s admitted to her son that she’s lonely, and he seems to be trying to mitigate that by dropping in on her every day, helping her with household jobs and doing her garden. So many people on here seem to see that as a problem, when he’s just trying to be kind and mindful of the fact that she’s alone.

And the fact that you don’t like the amount of time he spends with her is coming across loud and clear in your posts. Maybe that’s what you need to address, and now that you know for sure that she’s experiencing loneliness, instead of sniping and inviting confrontation, maybe try to encourage her to get out there and get involved with different things so she’s not so lonely, and not so reliant on her son as a surrogate for the husband she lost. You need to find a bit of empathy.

Wow ? You think he’s pampered because he does jobs around the house and garden for his widowed mum, and she makes him the odd pack lunch to say thank you ? It doesn’t sound as though he’s enjoying it either - I’ve been in the middle of a partner and a parent not getting on, and trust me, it’s not pleasant

@Rosscameasdoody
A little, because he seems to be sat there letting two women argue over him and not doing a lot to stop it. For what it's worth, I think OP is being very unreasonable and sounds really unpleasant. The DH doing things for his widowed mum is lovely, and he should continue doing so. I think OP knew how her comment sounded about being the last woman in his life. Very unkind.

I agree with you mostly - except that I don’t see it as a problem for her DH to solve. I think the OP resents the amount of time her DH spends with his mum and the resentment is fuelling her need to find fault. She has no empathy for the loneliness MiL feels, and clearly no idea of how dreadful loneliness can be if she thinks that MiL seeing her son and daughter for a set time each day is enough to mitigate it.

The OP got mad at her DH when he chose to have a chat with his mum over dinner, rather than the all out confrontation she was hoping to engineer - so much so that she told him to sleep there and then got even madder when he did !! Rather than passing it off as a problem for her DH to solve, which will inevitably cause more upset, maybe she should try to find a bit of empathy for a lonely widow. And maybe she and DH should make an effort to get MiL more involved in hobbies and the community around her if they don’t want her to be so reliant on family to fill the void left by her husband.

I understand all the issues. The petty stuff, the passive aggressive stuff, the dynamics where she has chosen to see you as competition rather than to get to know you as a loved dil.

You won’t be able to get over your irritation with this woman. I too would be irritated by her neediness and dependence.

I am not sure you should have kids with this man. Your mil will interfere more than ever.

I don’t think you will be compatible in the end. As time progresses he will prioritise maman more than more.

Rather than passing it off as a problem for her DH to solve, which will inevitably cause more upset, maybe she should try to find a bit of empathy for a lonely widow. And maybe she and DH should make an effort to get MiL more involved in hobbies and the community around her if they don’t want her to be so reliant on family to fill the void left by her husband.
@Rosscameasdoody

I fully agree, there's very little empathy here for the MiL which is really sad.

This situation is really odd, and the OP seems to be the only one who can't see the contradictions/flaws in the way she's dealt with it.

She wants to present as a strong, independent woman who is convinced she's right, but if her MIL is so possessive, OP is actually playing right into MIL's hands. MIL - and OP's partner - have both played a blinder and tied the OP up in knots - MIL has achieved her objective and DP is thoroughly enjoying being fought over by two women (does the OP even realise he's enjoying the situation?). They are probably having a good laugh about OP's possessiveness. Putting it bluntly: as far as DP's concerned, OP is easily replaceable, Mum isn't.

What do you want, OP? Even if (a big IF) you succeeded in getting DP away from his Mum's "clutches", what do you think would be achieved? Will there be resentment? Will he find some other relative/friend to visit on a daily basis? Will you live happily ever after? Are there any guarantees he'll stay with you? For your own mental health's sake, either accept the situation, find some 'accommodation' that's a middle way and suits you - or show him the door. Set your standards higher, be adult about it and walk away from this poor soap opera instead of having the vapours each time DP visits his Mum. That's not what strong women do. Nothing will change, - but even if there's a remote chance it does, the damage has been done. Walk away.