Page 31 | Made MIL cry?!

Didntmeanto6 · 2023-08-12T09:16:18+00:00

I have always had a clash with my MIL because I find her controlling and she often tries to undermine me. My DP (8 years) sees her every day in the morning and she was telling me that she sometimes makes him a packed lunch 🙄 I said he is a 43 year old man I'm sure he can organise his own lunch, she said "yes but me I love my son" (emphasising with her voice that it must be in contrast to me). I began to lose my temper a little so I said "do you warm some milk for him too?" and she said "listen it's simple, I am the first woman of his life", and I said "true but I will be the last". Then she started crying and ran out of the room. Now DP is saying that was insensitive of me because she lost her husband 6 years ago. I am considering telling him he needs to deal with this situation and tell his mother to back off. What do you think? In case it's relevant we are all from the same non UK European country

Original poster

Didntmeanto6 · 13/08/2023 10:28

About the girl before me, his ex: they were together for 6 years and apparently "you have nothing on common". Apparently we are complete opposites. At the start, MIL liked me I think, she said I wasn't like "Justine", who "came in and sat in silence in the living room".
😅 Poor "Justine"...

OP posts:

billy1966 · 13/08/2023 10:32

OP,

I think this is far bigger than yesterdays remarks or his mum making lunch.

The smoking thing is both bizarre and a bit ickish.

I would be very slow to add children to such a dynamic.

Sounds like there is 3 of you in this relationship.

Time to look at moving away from this village, by yourself.

Rosscameasdoody · 13/08/2023 10:33

Didntmeanto6 · 13/08/2023 10:24

Good morning, a few things. First, she has no health problem, she is actually in very good shape and very dynamic.

One of the things that annoys me is a culture clash between our families. See, my own mother has always worked and she's 66, she is retiring next year and she is already preparing a plan for something she wants to do with her retirement while also just chilling.

MIL has never worked and she doesn't volunteer either. I just think...you know instead of making food for your son why don't you make food in your community, for example for widowed parents or refugees or something.

Or, if you have nothing to do in your day and your door needs to be painted or your weeds taken up, why don't you do it? Wouldn't that be more interesting than sitting in a chair and waiting for DP to come on his weekend?

She has 3 children, in this order: SIL1 (luves next door), SIL2 (lives in different region), DP.

Every day she has lunch at SIL1's house. In her village are all her own siblings.

You know, it's hard for me to deal with MIL because I come from a totally different family. Of course my own mother has her own faults like every person. But what I will say for her is she was always independent and full of ideas for herself, and she would prefer to die than ask someone for something she can easily do herself. If I asked if she wanted help with painting her door for example she would say "why? I can listen to my podcast and paint, it'll be relaxing".

I just can't deal with this different attitude where the mother is a strange mix: 50% like a child who must be protected from everything, 50% like the mother of a child, not the mother of an adult.

Let me give you an example of something that drives me crazy: DP smokes. I smoke. MIL smokes (sorry I know in the UK smoking now is really bad but in France it's still pretty standard). DP has been smoking for 30 years. But he doesn't smoke in front of his mum. Why? "It's about respect". WTF! She smokes! A lot! SIL smokes! So we have this crazy situation where me, MIL and SIL are all outside smoking and DP just sits at the table inside and then when we live in the car he is desperate for a cigarette.
What the hell is that about?! Just smoke a fucking cigarette in front of your smoking mother!!! You think she really doesn't know? REALLY?

As I said before, with every post, the resentment becomes clearer.

billy1966 · 13/08/2023 10:34

It really is possible for sons to have loving close relationships with their mums that are respectful of their intimate relationships.

It takes the man being a healthy adult first though.

Not a frightened boy afraid to smoke infront of his mother.

Original poster

Didntmeanto6 · 13/08/2023 10:38

@billy1966
He's not frightened to, she wouldn't care at all, like I say it's for sure she knows. He says it's about being respectful. If I say "but why does it have to do with respect?" He says "I don't, that's how it is".
I can't understand the link between this and respect.

OP posts:

Blossomtoes · 13/08/2023 10:38

billy1966 · 13/08/2023 10:34

It really is possible for sons to have loving close relationships with their mums that are respectful of their intimate relationships.

It takes the man being a healthy adult first though.

Not a frightened boy afraid to smoke infront of his mother.

It also takes a dil being a healthy adult too. Not one who constantly compares her mil to her mum and finds her wanting.

Marwoodsbigbreak · 13/08/2023 10:42

I agree with @billy1966 as usual.

My DS and I are very close. He calls me most days. I see him about every six to eight weeks (he lives about 55 miles away)

He lives with his DP and their relationship is nothing to do with me. I care that he is happy.

OPs MIL has spousified her son in the absence of her husband. This is really unhealthy. I suspect PP who say OPs DH will not move away are probably correct. I wouldn’t waste any more of my fertile years on him if I planned to have children.

5128gap · 13/08/2023 10:45

I think from your updates, this goes beyond your partner and his mother, and is about a whole family dynamic. His mother occupies a role within her family that she and her children seem happy with, and I very much doubt anything will change that. If it works for them and that's how they want to live, trying to detach your partner will either fail, or will succeed at the expense of his happiness and he may well resent you.
So, what to do? Well two options. Either decide if you can't beat them join them, and try to build a daughter like relationship with her yourself; or decide this family (because its all of them in this case, not just your partner) are not for you.
Whatever the rights or wrongs, a life of constant battles, gaining an inch here, losing it there will be stressful and miserable for you.

Rosscameasdoody · 13/08/2023 10:46

Blossomtoes · 13/08/2023 10:38

It also takes a dil being a healthy adult too. Not one who constantly compares her mil to her mum and finds her wanting.

Show quote history

OP’s last, long post is yet another drip feed in response to criticism, and intended to change the narrative. It’s not useful in supporting anything she’s said previously, it’s just a vent and points to the resentment she has towards MiL and DP, and also towards her detractors on the thread.

Rosscameasdoody · 13/08/2023 10:49

5128gap · 13/08/2023 10:45

I think from your updates, this goes beyond your partner and his mother, and is about a whole family dynamic. His mother occupies a role within her family that she and her children seem happy with, and I very much doubt anything will change that. If it works for them and that's how they want to live, trying to detach your partner will either fail, or will succeed at the expense of his happiness and he may well resent you.
So, what to do? Well two options. Either decide if you can't beat them join them, and try to build a daughter like relationship with her yourself; or decide this family (because its all of them in this case, not just your partner) are not for you.
Whatever the rights or wrongs, a life of constant battles, gaining an inch here, losing it there will be stressful and miserable for you.

Best advice so far.

Original poster

Didntmeanto6 · 13/08/2023 10:50

@Rosscameasdoody
And? This is my thread, I will post in any way I want, including to vent. Sorry if this inconveniences you 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:

Sueveneers · 13/08/2023 10:51

So what happened, OP? Did he sleepover there? Is he back yet? Do you know how last night went down and what was said?

Original poster

Didntmeanto6 · 13/08/2023 10:56

@Sueveneers
Yesterday late at night I texted him to say I was sorry for being bitchy with him and he said good night.

OP posts:

aflix · 13/08/2023 11:14

I think that your MIL might secretly admire your feistiness OP. I also think she might rather enjoy your little skirmishes, a bit of drama to gossip about later. Poor Justine provided no entertainment at all, you on the other hand......

She would never admit it though.

Rosscameasdoody · 13/08/2023 11:19

Didntmeanto6 · 13/08/2023 10:50

@Rosscameasdoody
And? This is my thread, I will post in any way I want, including to vent. Sorry if this inconveniences you 🤷‍♀️

It doesn’t. Just telling it the way I see it.

Rosscameasdoody · 13/08/2023 11:22

Didntmeanto6 · 13/08/2023 10:56

@Sueveneers
Yesterday late at night I texted him to say I was sorry for being bitchy with him and he said good night.

Did that surprise you ? Genuine question.

billy1966 · 13/08/2023 11:25

Blossomtoes · 13/08/2023 10:38

It also takes a dil being a healthy adult too. Not one who constantly compares her mil to her mum and finds her wanting.

Show quote history

I don't agree with that.

A man can have a healthy relationship with his mother. End of.

Many do.

His partners views on her mother/his mother or anything else is separate IMO and are her own opinions.

Just because she has views on his mother does not mean she is unhealthy.

Irrespective of whether a DIL/MIL like each other or are close, or barely tolerate each other, it is still possible for a man to have a good relationship with his mother AND be respectful of this wife.

The two in MY opinion are not mutually exclusive.

billy1966 · 13/08/2023 11:31

Take time to reflect on how you want your future to be.
This dynamic with his family very close by is not going to change.
Has it been him who has driven your staying so close to his family?

It is wise to think about how things would work if you had children.
Would you see a lot more of her?
How would that work for you?

Best to be realistic and honest about what you want before you have a family.

Sofiaxo · 13/08/2023 11:36

Sorry but I think you're over-stepping the boundaries here completely. There's clearly cultural issues at play here.

My partner is from a culture that's very parent/family oriented, and the men are often 'mummy's boys' for life. It's a dynamic you don't interfere with.

Without sounding condescending, from your OP and your follow-up posts it sounds like you're causing a lot of the trouble. If his mum wants to make his packed lunches, let her. If he wants to stay at his mums when she's upset, let him.

I understand from your posts that you want to be at the top of the hierarchy and want your DH to put you before his mum, but in a lot of cultures it's not realistic and not worth the trouble of going there.

If you're otherwise happy with your DH and marriage, do your best to keep civil with your MIL and don't undermine her over silly things like packed lunches. Stay well out of it.

Rosscameasdoody · 13/08/2023 16:22

billy1966 · 13/08/2023 11:25

I don't agree with that.

A man can have a healthy relationship with his mother. End of.

Many do.

His partners views on her mother/his mother or anything else is separate IMO and are her own opinions.

Just because she has views on his mother does not mean she is unhealthy.

Irrespective of whether a DIL/MIL like each other or are close, or barely tolerate each other, it is still possible for a man to have a good relationship with his mother AND be respectful of this wife.

The two in MY opinion are not mutually exclusive.

Show quote history

I don’t agree with this. A man can’t have a healthy relationship with his mother unless his partner is on board with it - and the OP clearly isn’t. She doesn’t like the amount of time he spends doing things for his mum, and she doesn’t like the fact that MiL reciprocates with packed lunches to show her appreciation. In one post she says she respects the fact that they have a close relationship and in the next she says MiL should be grateful that she allows it. How does that work ?

Mirabai · 13/08/2023 19:31

Sofiaxo · 13/08/2023 11:36

Sorry but I think you're over-stepping the boundaries here completely. There's clearly cultural issues at play here.

My partner is from a culture that's very parent/family oriented, and the men are often 'mummy's boys' for life. It's a dynamic you don't interfere with.

Without sounding condescending, from your OP and your follow-up posts it sounds like you're causing a lot of the trouble. If his mum wants to make his packed lunches, let her. If he wants to stay at his mums when she's upset, let him.

I understand from your posts that you want to be at the top of the hierarchy and want your DH to put you before his mum, but in a lot of cultures it's not realistic and not worth the trouble of going there.

If you're otherwise happy with your DH and marriage, do your best to keep civil with your MIL and don't undermine her over silly things like packed lunches. Stay well out of it.

It’s France. There is no mama culture. And the subservience inherent in this post is bizarre.

Mirabai · 13/08/2023 19:37

Blossomtoes · 13/08/2023 10:38

It also takes a dil being a healthy adult too. Not one who constantly compares her mil to her mum and finds her wanting.

Show quote history

OP’s mum is like my mum. MIL is like my aunt. I know whose company I prefer.

When you’re used to strong independent professional woman, personalities like MIL are rather tiresome.

Mirabai · 13/08/2023 19:38

billy1966 · 13/08/2023 11:25

I don't agree with that.

A man can have a healthy relationship with his mother. End of.

Many do.

His partners views on her mother/his mother or anything else is separate IMO and are her own opinions.

Just because she has views on his mother does not mean she is unhealthy.

Irrespective of whether a DIL/MIL like each other or are close, or barely tolerate each other, it is still possible for a man to have a good relationship with his mother AND be respectful of this wife.

The two in MY opinion are not mutually exclusive.

Show quote history

Agreed.

SpidersAreShitheads · 13/08/2023 20:49

Rosscameasdoody · 13/08/2023 10:49

Best advice so far.

Show quote history

I agree - the post from 5128gap (sorry, can't tag) is excellent.

The issue is that the family dynamic for OP is different to the family dynamic that her DH's family has.

Some people blossom in that kind of close family set-up. Others find it choking and claustrophobic. Neither is wrong, it's a case of personal preferences.

I do think that the OP is wrong in trying to compete with her MIL for her husband's affections. There's absolutely no need and it will just end up with everyone miserable.

Either accept the status quo and understand that you are the wife, and that's something his mother can never take away or compete with. But equally she is his mum, and that's something you can't take away or compete with. Two different relationships that can peacefully co-exist - providing you're not trying to tear each other down.

If you don't think that's possible, you'd be better off splitting, especially as you want children. Bringing children into an unresolved dynamic like this would be a disaster.

You may well find that if you're the bigger person and actively choose to disengage from competition and conflict - (because honestly, who cares if she wants to make him lunch?!) - your MIL will respond in kind, and you'll end up with a much healthier dynamic, and possibly even a warm, loving relationship with her.

FootieMama · 13/08/2023 21:38

@cocoloco117, Maybe the mum needs some support after loosing her husband? I think it's nice he goes to visit his mum. I don't understand this required total break from parents once someone meets a partner. My DH go to see his mum often and I aplaud him for that.
He doesn't NEED her to look after him anymore but she sometimes enjoys doing things for him. It doesn't bother me at all. I've never had the slightly desire to replacement her. I am his partner not his carer