Made MIL cry?!

[Didntmeanto6]

I have always had a clash with my MIL because I find her controlling and she often tries to undermine me. My DP (8 years) sees her every day in the morning and she was telling me that she sometimes makes him a packed lunch 🙄 I said he is a 43 year old man I'm sure he can organise his own lunch, she said "yes but me I love my son" (emphasising with her voice that it must be in contrast to me).
I began to lose my temper a little so I said "do you warm some milk for him too?" and she said "listen it's simple, I am the first woman of his life", and I said "true but I will be the last".
Then she started crying and ran out of the room.
Now DP is saying that was insensitive of me because she lost her husband 6 years ago.
I am considering telling him he needs to deal with this situation and tell his mother to back off.
What do you think? In case it's relevant we are all from the same non UK European country

Goodness me. ‘Seriously strange’, ‘Norman and psycho like’, ‘something not right with the wiring in his head ?? Because he’s close to his mum and she sometimes makes him a packed lunch ? Really ?? Have you had your own wiring checked lately because it’s this post that’s batshit and unhealthy !!

I stand by what I said. They have an over enmeshed relationship, the MIL thinks she owns her son, kisses her son all over the head (sending the message to OP that she autmatically takes his side that he is innocent and she is mean) when him and OP had an argument, and knowing OP is pissed off, her partner decides to piss her off even more by choosing to have dinner with his mother instead of her. Nothing about this screams normal.

I don’t think making sandwiches is a stressful situation and this spat didn’t seem like a one-off. There’s obviously a clash of personalities and personally if I didn’t have children (as OP doesn’t) I’d only visit sporadically.

There are no gc so I don’t really understand why OP even goes over there unless it’s absolutely necessary. Go twice a year or something and then whatever MiL says won’t really matter. The daily visits are only a problem if they impact on OPs daily life and if they do then a compromise should be made between OP and DP.

I agree. Awful post from a dark point of view.

OP told him to sort things out with his mother, so he texted to say he would come and eat with her. I’d say it was a good move to work the chat into a relaxed atmosphere rather than barge in, laying down the law, which was clearly what the OP wanted judging by her response - because she was incensed and told him to sleep there !! You catch more flies with honey - something the OP would do well to remember because her own combative attitude is fuelling the situation - which she instigated because she couldn’t let a simple thing like the odd packed lunch go without comment.

Though an imaginative one. Suggest a creative writing class @Sueveneers .

I am really lazy so I would be delighted someone with extra time was offering to do something for my family.

Er, newsflash..it was in quotes because I was quoting what you'd said (comprenez vous?).

Oh, the irony of questioning how I know what really happened...how the heck do YOU know what really happened? Are you the OP? But of course, like the OP, the majority are wrong and you are right. The OP should grow up and develop a sense of proportion (and a sense of humour wouldn't go amiss, either). What she said to her MIL was just plain nasty and I suspect she knew this when she said it, perhaps it had been previously rehearsed, who knows? If she felt the need to say something it could have been said firmly, in a no-nonsense but polite manner. Karma has a habit of biting you back, as she may discover.

I think there’s a lot of ‘creative’ writing on this thread, judging by some of the replies. I’ve just clicked on ‘see all’ on the OP’s posts and it’s quite disturbing to see the increasing level of vitriol towards MiL and the drip fed detail in response to criticism.

Seriously, with every day I spend on this forum, I'm more and more grateful to have daughters (and that my daughter withchildren has had daughters).

I know there are some lovely DIL/MIL relationships out there, but jeeze, mothers of sons must feel like it's a lottery.

Mumsnet quotes failure: the following post was in response to Mirabai's post yesterday 20:26

Mirabai yesterday 20:26
? I didn’t put ‘better idea’ in quotes you did! I wasn’t quoting you. That’s the apparent summary of your position in which you apparently “disagree” with OP’s account of her own life. Someone you have never met and events you did not witness.

Er, newsflash, Mirabai..it was in quotes because I was quoting what you'd said (comprenez vous?).

Oh, the irony of questioning how I know what really happened...how the heck do YOU know what really happened? Are you the OP? But of course, like the OP, the majority are wrong and you are right. The OP should grow up and develop a sense of proportion (and a sense of humour wouldn't go amiss, either). What she said to her MIL was just plain nasty and I suspect she knew this when she said it, perhaps it had been previously rehearsed, who knows? If she felt the need to say something it could have been said firmly, in a no-nonsense but polite manner. Karma has a habit of biting you back, as she may discover.

It is a lottery. We’re incredibly fortunate, the dil we see most often is a lovely woman. Her predecessor was far from lovely.

Understand them perfectly well thanks. DP has a close relationship with his mum and helps out around the house and garden. He spends more time there than the OP would like, but she doesn’t want to be the bad guy and put a stop to it. So she picks a totally unnecessary argument with MiL so she can then instruct her DP to tell her to ‘back off’ in the hope that this will drive a wedge between them. DP chooses not to be combative and opts to talk to his mother over dinner. OP is incensed and tells him to sleep there.

Click on ‘see all’ for the OP’s posts - it’s all laid out there, and it’s an eye opener. At one point she comments that she respects the caring relationship they have. Then in a later post she gives herself away by effectively telling us that MiL should be happy that she doesn’t ‘mind’ DP helping her out. There’s an undercurrent of resentment and instead of tackling MiL head on with whatever problem the OP perceives they have, she’s attempting to pass it off to her DP as his problem. And predictably, MN have jumped on the mummy’s boy angle to pin the blame on him. I understand it just fine.

Your daughters could have awful MiLs so I’m not sure if it makes that much difference to being protected against toxic in-law dynamics.

As a mother of sons though I do always hope they will end up with lovely partners. I think the issue is does this MiL or any ‘awful’ MiL loathe the person, any person, their son ends up with or is the loathing a direct result of an unpleasant DiL?

My default would be to want to like, and even love, a DiL so if I didn’t like them there would have to be a very good reason. Question is, which category would this MiL fall into.

Sounds like you understand perfectly (given the information posted by OP).

Honestly, I'm sitting bang on the fence on this one.

Mil does sound competitive...I don't think that the comment that OP made was the heinous atrocity that others seem to have taken it as. I think it's a proportionate snappy comeback tbh.
I was here first.
I'll be there last.
Don't know why people are so gravely offended by that. It was invited.

Some people have close relationships with their parents. I did, when my mother was still with us. I think doing the garden in exchange for sandwiches is absolutely fine. I think daily contact is fine too. Plenty of people have this and they are not 'unhinged' or 'wired up wrong' or anything like Norman Bates. Fgs.
The mil might be a pain in the arse but I don't see that the dh is doing anything strange or unusual.

My pov, the mil is bloody silly with her over the top 'love ma boy' routine but it comes from a place of insecurity and fear. OP's dh will know this too but unlike OP he cares how his mum feels because he loves her. The OP doesn't, she has her own mum to love. I'm sure OP's mum doesn't thank OP's dh for allowing their relationship as OP seems to expect from her mil.
There can only be a competition with two.

The DIL has a lot more power than a MIL though. Vastly more when you think about it, especially when it comes to access to grandkids etc.
And a prospective DIL can of course (though it's unlikely) choose not to be with someone whose mother is a nightmare. MILs have to accept whoever their partner chooses.

Fortunately my sons in law are decent guys. But it doesn't seem that they have the kind of significant input over the relationship between me and my DDs and DGCs, that a DIL tends to have.

Yes, I’ve always been aware that if a young mum has a good relationship with her own mother that grandparent will most likely be given higher priority. Not out of spitefulness but because new mum needs her her own mum more. I accept that could well happen but although I’m a doting mum of sons I’m not clingy or needy or manipulative. I’d be a dream MiL 😁

Eugh, how horrible to see two grown women scrapping over a man. You both sound absolutely awful. Where is your dignity?

You’ve hit the nail on the head. And the OP seems about to exercise that significant input. Because rather than choose the former - not to be with her DP - it seems that in the OP’s case she will choose the latter - to move any future DGC’s out of MiL’s reach.

I agree with this post and am surprised so many posters aren’t reading between the lines.

@Didntmeanto6 I don’t think your marriage will survive unless you move away. You mention future children. Don’t forget The Hague Convention when you get to that point.

If MIL is the narc I think she might be, you ain’t seen nothing yet compared to what awaits you once you have children.

I would probably have the ick with DH in your shoes anyway, and be tempted to split if he won’t move away.

The chances of him agreeing to move away are non existent.

Where is your dignity?

Abandoned six years ago when MiL was widowed would be my guess. PP are assuming the argument was as a result of the OP snapping after keeping silent for so long in the face of constant jibes. I don’t buy that for a moment. She was ready and willing with the come backs and I’d bet the farm it’s the latest in a long line of spats. Imagine how awful it must be for a partner to be caught in the middle of such unpleasantness between a parent and a partner.

Good morning, a few things. First, she has no health problem, she is actually in very good shape and very dynamic.

One of the things that annoys me is a culture clash between our families. See, my own mother has always worked and she's 66, she is retiring next year and she is already preparing a plan for something she wants to do with her retirement while also just chilling.

MIL has never worked and she doesn't volunteer either. I just think...you know instead of making food for your son why don't you make food in your community, for example for widowed parents or refugees or something.

Or, if you have nothing to do in your day and your door needs to be painted or your weeds taken up, why don't you do it? Wouldn't that be more interesting than sitting in a chair and waiting for DP to come on his weekend?

She has 3 children, in this order: SIL1 (luves next door), SIL2 (lives in different region), DP.

Every day she has lunch at SIL1's house. In her village are all her own siblings.

You know, it's hard for me to deal with MIL because I come from a totally different family. Of course my own mother has her own faults like every person. But what I will say for her is she was always independent and full of ideas for herself, and she would prefer to die than ask someone for something she can easily do herself. If I asked if she wanted help with painting her door for example she would say "why? I can listen to my podcast and paint, it'll be relaxing".

I just can't deal with this different attitude where the mother is a strange mix: 50% like a child who must be protected from everything, 50% like the mother of a child, not the mother of an adult.

Let me give you an example of something that drives me crazy: DP smokes. I smoke. MIL smokes (sorry I know in the UK smoking now is really bad but in France it's still pretty standard). DP has been smoking for 30 years. But he doesn't smoke in front of his mum. Why? "It's about respect". WTF! She smokes! A lot! SIL smokes! So we have this crazy situation where me, MIL and SIL are all outside smoking and DP just sits at the table inside and then when we live in the car he is desperate for a cigarette.
What the hell is that about?! Just smoke a fucking cigarette in front of your smoking mother!!! You think she really doesn't know? REALLY?

Absolutely. And it’s not a solution, it’s a cop out.