Page 32 | Made MIL cry?!

Didntmeanto6 · 2023-08-12T09:16:18+00:00

I have always had a clash with my MIL because I find her controlling and she often tries to undermine me. My DP (8 years) sees her every day in the morning and she was telling me that she sometimes makes him a packed lunch 🙄 I said he is a 43 year old man I'm sure he can organise his own lunch, she said "yes but me I love my son" (emphasising with her voice that it must be in contrast to me). I began to lose my temper a little so I said "do you warm some milk for him too?" and she said "listen it's simple, I am the first woman of his life", and I said "true but I will be the last". Then she started crying and ran out of the room. Now DP is saying that was insensitive of me because she lost her husband 6 years ago. I am considering telling him he needs to deal with this situation and tell his mother to back off. What do you think? In case it's relevant we are all from the same non UK European country

Lolliepopsareblue · 13/08/2023 21:51

I might be alone thinking this, and I know it's an 8 year relationship, but it sounds like a lot of hassle and toxicity for just a boyfriend.

And she isn't your mother in law, she's your boyfriend's mum

Sofiaxo · 14/08/2023 09:34

Mirabai · 13/08/2023 19:31

It’s France. There is no mama culture. And the subservience inherent in this post is bizarre.

Show quote history

Hmm didn't see the OP mention France. So many posts on this thread it must've slipped by me.

What subservience? I'm just saying in some cultures you don't interfere with the mother-son dynamic.

Brexile · 14/08/2023 16:08

aflix · 13/08/2023 11:14

I think that your MIL might secretly admire your feistiness OP. I also think she might rather enjoy your little skirmishes, a bit of drama to gossip about later. Poor Justine provided no entertainment at all, you on the other hand......

She would never admit it though.

This is probably true. Older retired ladies whose lives have become very small (or perhaps always were) do love a bit of drama.

What pps don't understand is that extended family is very important in France, and this is often expressed by sharing meals, as well as adult children pitching in to do little jobs for their parents. In the OP's case it's not the sandwiches or dinner that's the problem, but the fact that the MIL holds such an exalted position in her son's life that he can't seem to stand up to her even when it causes problems in his relationship. I am 100% sure he will not move far away, and I think it's possible that he won't ever marry or have kids; what DIL would put up with this situation?

When I was OLD in France a couple of years ago, I had a few guys cancel first dates at the last minute. What do you think their go-to excuse was? "I can't make it tonight, I've just remembered I'm having dinner with my parents". A British guy would have said "Sorry, I can't make it tonight, something's come up at work". Basically, parents in France are what work is in the UK: the overwhelmingly important priority which it's completely acceptable to cancel plans for.

Obviously, not all families are enmeshed - a lot of people have to move far away for work, for example - and not all MILs undermine their DILs, but it's a risk you take. Speaking of risk, I think it's possible that the OP's MIL would make a lovely mamie, but I'm not sure the OP should take that chance. Basically, she has a DP problem and should find someone who has her back.

Original poster

Didntmeanto6 · 14/08/2023 16:33

So a small update for you. We spoke yesterday night, he told me she was very upset because she was so lonely and my comment reminded her she was a widow. I said that's ridiculous, she sees him every morning and her daughter for lunch every day, he said that's not the same. OK. I told him she has been sly to me for years and he says he knows "it's complicated".
Then I could sense I was going to lose my temper so I said I would go and see her this week and he said "to apologise?" and I said no, I think it's time me and her had a little discussion. He said he didn't want me to create a bad atmosphere with her, and I said "she is SIXTY. Not EIGHTY. She's not an old woman or a baby" and he went crazy, he stormed out and went for a drive.
Later he came back and we didn't speak but we were affectionate so 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:

PawPrintsInMyPansies · 14/08/2023 16:39

Wow. You are determined to escalate this aren’t you?

what do you hope to
achieve? Because it looks like you want to ‘win’.

TallerThanAverage · 14/08/2023 16:45

he told me she was very upset because she was so lonely and my comment reminded her she was a widow. I said that's ridiculous, she sees him every morning and her daughter for lunch every day,

you really don’t get it do you? My friend who’s nearly 60 was widowed at 39 and she still has triggers. Grief doesn’t just go when you lose someone you loved just because family pop in. Grow up.

JamieFrasersfurrysporran · 14/08/2023 16:48

Having a daily visit doesn't stop loneliness. I'm beginning to think this is a wind up , can you really be so lacking in insight?

Blossomtoes · 14/08/2023 16:55

Do the bloke and his mum a favour and find yourself an orphan @Didntmeanto6.

DriftingDora · 14/08/2023 16:55

PawPrintsInMyPansies · 14/08/2023 16:39

Wow. You are determined to escalate this aren’t you?

what do you hope to
achieve? Because it looks like you want to ‘win’.

This! 😂 So funny and ironic that MIL is in for a 'talk' tomorrow (oh, er, missus!) but DP seems to be in the good books now and acquitted of being tied to Mum's apron strings. Strange.

Grow up, Didntmeanto6.

JamieFrasersfurrysporran · 14/08/2023 16:56

Blossomtoes · 14/08/2023 16:55

Do the bloke and his mum a favour and find yourself an orphan @Didntmeanto6.

This

xXJoy · 14/08/2023 16:59

Hold your ground op, have a word with her on her own. Try to connect with her. Ask her a lot of questions. Let her talk.
If required, tell her you feel like you're in a competition you didn't enter". Ask her gently what specifically could be better that you are standing in the way of?

If she goes hell for leather with the victim narrative, ask her if she thinks she is "excluded" to only see her son every day? Victims are so manipulative. They make it v hard to change the narrative that they control.

Actually before talking to her, google the drama triangle, i think she's co oerced you in. She is in the victim role, her son gets to betghe Rescuer and you are forced in to the role of the persecutor. Google how to get out of the drama triangle.

pictoosh · 14/08/2023 17:02

"she said "listen it's simple, I am the first woman of his life", and I said "true but I will be the last""

Can anyone explain to me how this exchange refers to mil being a widow, single or alone? It doesn't does it? It wasn't intended to refer to her being a widow and it doesn't refer to her being a widow.

She's being a manipulative bisom.

pictoosh · 14/08/2023 17:07

"he told me she was very upset because she was so lonely and my comment reminded her she was a widow"

Bollocks. You don't get to pull rank just because WIDOW. Fuck off.

TallerThanAverage · 14/08/2023 17:16

pictoosh · 14/08/2023 17:02

"she said "listen it's simple, I am the first woman of his life", and I said "true but I will be the last""

Can anyone explain to me how this exchange refers to mil being a widow, single or alone? It doesn't does it? It wasn't intended to refer to her being a widow and it doesn't refer to her being a widow.

She's being a manipulative bisom.

Of course it would remind her that she is alone and that she was the last woman in the life of her husband. The OP didn’t need to say anything when her MIL mentioned making her son’s lunch. All this falling out because the OP didn’t like her MIL making a sandwich! I went to my mum’s the other day and she made me some lunch, because she offered, I accepted. I’m 52 I can easily sort my own lunch just like the OPs DH. When my husband arrived he didn’t challenge my mum, I think he quite fancied something to eat too.

pictoosh · 14/08/2023 17:40

I don't care about the sandwiches. I think mil making them and dh eating them is absolutely fine.

I don't like manipulative people at all though. Mil is twisting the comment to suit her agenda, which is to portray herself as the victim of OP's cruelty. Op said nothing about mil being a widow. That mil took it that way (or makes out she did) is not OP's doing.

5128gap · 14/08/2023 17:42

xXJoy · 14/08/2023 16:59

Hold your ground op, have a word with her on her own. Try to connect with her. Ask her a lot of questions. Let her talk.
If required, tell her you feel like you're in a competition you didn't enter". Ask her gently what specifically could be better that you are standing in the way of?

If she goes hell for leather with the victim narrative, ask her if she thinks she is "excluded" to only see her son every day? Victims are so manipulative. They make it v hard to change the narrative that they control.

Actually before talking to her, google the drama triangle, i think she's co oerced you in. She is in the victim role, her son gets to betghe Rescuer and you are forced in to the role of the persecutor. Google how to get out of the drama triangle.

The problem with this is, unless the MiL is a better person than OP seems to think, she has no reason at all to engage with any of this.
It sounds as though she doesn't like OP anymore than OP does her, no doubt a lot less after the most recent debacle.
She has her son standing beside her, her own attentive daughter next door, what need does she have to negoiate and build bridges with the OP? Unless she actually is the bigger person.
This is a relatively unusual situation in which the (not quite) DiL is very much in the weaker position, as its pretty clear that her partner is going to prioritise the family dynamic he is happy with over her wishes.
The only conversation that has any chance of smoothing this over is one where the OP is conciliatory. And if she can't do that, she's best walking away.

xXJoy · 14/08/2023 17:42

I agree with @pictoosh while it's sad, it was 20 years ago.

There is power in being The VICTIM and that's what I see here, that maybe other posters aren't subjected to It don't spot it.

My mother uses the power of being a victim. It's her way, or the high way and yet she is still the victim. Nobody else can even briefly be "the victim". Ie, my dad doesnt have a headache, he's a "hypochondriac" & it's not that she is defensive and it's impossible to raise an issue with her, it's that I attacked her and hurt her. I pointed this out to her but got the wounded martyr's silent treatment. When i broke the rules and spike to her anyway i was "aggressive"

the victim always wins. The victim always gets their way, shames you, blames you, smears you and has the support of bystanders. It's a very powerful position.

Sueveneers · 14/08/2023 18:46

OP your partner is a prick who simply does not get it. He just does not get it, and he point blank refuses to see your point. I made a comment earlier about him being like a Norman bates-type character. The more you respond, the more I feel justified in making that comment. I really think you should throw him back to the sea (or rather, to mummy). He won't change. He is utterly unable to empathise with you. Even if he can see your point, he really doesn't care at all to do anything about it.

Seriously, he's not worth it.

ConcernedCatmother · 14/08/2023 19:29

Didntmeanto6 · 14/08/2023 16:33

So a small update for you. We spoke yesterday night, he told me she was very upset because she was so lonely and my comment reminded her she was a widow. I said that's ridiculous, she sees him every morning and her daughter for lunch every day, he said that's not the same. OK. I told him she has been sly to me for years and he says he knows "it's complicated".
Then I could sense I was going to lose my temper so I said I would go and see her this week and he said "to apologise?" and I said no, I think it's time me and her had a little discussion. He said he didn't want me to create a bad atmosphere with her, and I said "she is SIXTY. Not EIGHTY. She's not an old woman or a baby" and he went crazy, he stormed out and went for a drive.
Later he came back and we didn't speak but we were affectionate so 🤷‍♀️

Wow, I’m being funny OP but I think your husband is in love with his mum 😳

TallerThanAverage · 14/08/2023 20:04

xXJoy · 14/08/2023 17:42

I agree with @pictoosh while it's sad, it was 20 years ago.

There is power in being The VICTIM and that's what I see here, that maybe other posters aren't subjected to It don't spot it.

My mother uses the power of being a victim. It's her way, or the high way and yet she is still the victim. Nobody else can even briefly be "the victim". Ie, my dad doesnt have a headache, he's a "hypochondriac" & it's not that she is defensive and it's impossible to raise an issue with her, it's that I attacked her and hurt her. I pointed this out to her but got the wounded martyr's silent treatment. When i broke the rules and spike to her anyway i was "aggressive"

the victim always wins. The victim always gets their way, shames you, blames you, smears you and has the support of bystanders. It's a very powerful position.

We don’t know if the husband that died is the father of OPs husband but if he was we’re talking about a woman who was with her husband from age 17 if not before and widowed at 54. Six years is no time at all and to be widowed at such a young age must be difficult. OP is insensitive to her loss as she evidenced in her PP. Maybe the OP has never experienced losing someone too soon.

pictoosh · 14/08/2023 20:43

I can't comment on OP's character based on any of this, other than she feels threatened by her mil and doesn't handle it too well.

I can say that I think the mil is manipulative and based on that, is probably controlling as well. She has certainly controlled the narrative of this incident hasn't she? Hankies out all round for poor old mum.

Again, OP made NO reference to her mil's status as a widow or the loss of her husband whatsoever. She is not to be held accountable for mil's reaction. Fuck that.

Original poster

Didntmeanto6 · 14/08/2023 20:54

Well all I can say is the posters who were telling me I am horrible took my comment to mean about being about her death, she has takes it to mean about her husbands death - so that wasn't such an obvious comment in the end, was it?

I want to have empathy for her and of course I do, I'm nit made of stone. But it's not about a sandwich or her taking DPs time, really it's about how she makes these little power plays at me and I don't understand why NOBODY understands that.

A big example: she has never said I can tutoyer her (using the informal, close "tu" instead of the formal "vous"). I have to use vous with her until she invites me to use tu. My mother told DP to use tu with her on the day they met, and he only sees her once a year.

I am so angry that actually when I see her this week I might just address her as tu.

OP posts:

DriftingDora · 14/08/2023 21:13

Didntmeanto6 · 14/08/2023 20:54

Well all I can say is the posters who were telling me I am horrible took my comment to mean about being about her death, she has takes it to mean about her husbands death - so that wasn't such an obvious comment in the end, was it?

I want to have empathy for her and of course I do, I'm nit made of stone. But it's not about a sandwich or her taking DPs time, really it's about how she makes these little power plays at me and I don't understand why NOBODY understands that.

A big example: she has never said I can tutoyer her (using the informal, close "tu" instead of the formal "vous"). I have to use vous with her until she invites me to use tu. My mother told DP to use tu with her on the day they met, and he only sees her once a year.

I am so angry that actually when I see her this week I might just address her as tu.

I am so angry that actually when I see her this week I might just address her as tu.

...the ultimate threat by the OP! Oh, that'll really frighten her (not)...

this is becoming more surreal by the second....(altogether now: 'tea for tu, and tu for tea'....) 🎵
😆
😆

Ladybrrrd · 14/08/2023 21:19

He told me she was very upset because she was so lonely and my comment reminded her she was a widow. I said that's ridiculous, she sees him every morning and her daughter for lunch every day, he said that's not the same.

Wow, this was so sad to read. Of course it's not the same. She lost her husband so young ffs. Are you expecting her to be 'over it'? She's lost the person who she cuddled with at night, the person she could confide in, her companion. 6 years is nothing. And you can't wrap your head around the fact that she might just be actually upset? You are so lacking in empathy it's unreal. Thank goodness she's got your DH to look after her.

Just understand that she might not be trying to make 'power plays'. Please. Try the tu, say thank you for the food, have a nice meal/drink with her, and listen. Put all of these comments behind you if it's not about the sandwich, (Though you really should apologize!) and move on. Otherwise you are risking losing your DH. Ask yourself if that's worth it.

Sueveneers · 14/08/2023 22:00

Ladybrrrd · 14/08/2023 21:19

He told me she was very upset because she was so lonely and my comment reminded her she was a widow. I said that's ridiculous, she sees him every morning and her daughter for lunch every day, he said that's not the same.

Wow, this was so sad to read. Of course it's not the same. She lost her husband so young ffs. Are you expecting her to be 'over it'? She's lost the person who she cuddled with at night, the person she could confide in, her companion. 6 years is nothing. And you can't wrap your head around the fact that she might just be actually upset? You are so lacking in empathy it's unreal. Thank goodness she's got your DH to look after her.

Just understand that she might not be trying to make 'power plays'. Please. Try the tu, say thank you for the food, have a nice meal/drink with her, and listen. Put all of these comments behind you if it's not about the sandwich, (Though you really should apologize!) and move on. Otherwise you are risking losing your DH. Ask yourself if that's worth it.

He's not even her husband. And yes, it does sound like it would be worth it for her to be rid of him.