Made MIL cry?!

[Didntmeanto6]

I have always had a clash with my MIL because I find her controlling and she often tries to undermine me. My DP (8 years) sees her every day in the morning and she was telling me that she sometimes makes him a packed lunch 🙄 I said he is a 43 year old man I'm sure he can organise his own lunch, she said "yes but me I love my son" (emphasising with her voice that it must be in contrast to me).
I began to lose my temper a little so I said "do you warm some milk for him too?" and she said "listen it's simple, I am the first woman of his life", and I said "true but I will be the last".
Then she started crying and ran out of the room.
Now DP is saying that was insensitive of me because she lost her husband 6 years ago.
I am considering telling him he needs to deal with this situation and tell his mother to back off.
What do you think? In case it's relevant we are all from the same non UK European country

See post above Blossomtoes.

I don’t think you’ve really understood the issues raised by the situation tbh.

Ffs GROW UP!!!!

The saying is true then. Men marry women like their mothers.

This post has really made me laugh today.
Thanks to everyone who commented

I hope this thread is still active tomorrow btw!
I am totally agreeing with @Didntmeanto6
Her MiL was so obviously trying to make her feel bad and insinuating she isn't a good enough wife towards her precious son.
Can you update us tomorrow and tell us what she made him for lunch please 😂

Every single morning? Come on! There is care, and then there is enmeshment. Not being able to go one single fricken day without seeing mummy is batshit. There is a healthy balance, surely.

I think the problem is OP ignored it for too long, and snapped. I think that's what people aren't getting here. Ignoring it clearly hasn't worked.

I second every single word of this post. OP you do have a DP problem, and I'd be putting a stop to him going over every single day. Once a week is enough surely.

FFS why does MIL's need to 'feel important' trump OP's feelings? Maybe MIL needs to think of OP's feelings as her son's partner and stop insinuating herself in their daily lives. Why is everyone feeling sorry for MIL but not OP? MIL sounds manipulative and I feel more for the long-suffering OP. MIL thinks nothing of the feelings of OP, so why should OP feel for her? When it's only one way?

This is the first time she has actually reacted!!

Oh FFS! Why does he have to eat with her so much? Why can't he go over there without eating all the time? By choosing to eat with her instead of you, I'd be reading him the riot act. Wtf is up with him and food with her? Is he insinuating you can't cook or something. I'd be wondering what he tells her about your cooking, at this point.

Yes, I'd be telling him if he goes and leaves me to eat with her tonight, he can leave and not return. Why does he have to have dinner with her, just to talk to her? There is something not right with the wiring in his head, OP. He knows she upsets you, so his answer is..... to choose to have dinner with her and leave you at home alone. Bad move. I think he is seriously strange and I would not want to spend another day with this Norman and his Psycho-like obsessed relationship with his mummy. He doesn't seem to realise you should be his priority. You're upset and pissed off so he chooses to upset and piss you off more.

He and his mummy both seem unhinged and over-enmeshed and you would be well out of this batshit unhealthy setup they have. I would not tolerate it a day more.

As bad as each other.

It was a low blow, but I suspect you know this and intended it to be. It's not that you should sit and say nothing in response to her insinuations, but maybe put your case across in a more diplomatic way? Or speak to your DP about the issues rather than sniping at his mother.

In and of itself, it's not too worrying that she's making his lunches. If anything, your issue should be with him accepting it and not refusing and doing his own instead-rather than her doing a kind gesture. For some people, food is their way of showing love.

As she's alone now, she likely wants and needs someone to care for and wants to care for her son in a way that is meaningful. On its own, it's harmless and kind of sweet, really.

I'll be honest-my dad sometimes watches my dogs when I go into the office and always brings in a sandwich for me or makes one up for me for when I return home so I don't have to faff. It's nice and means a lot. It's a small gesture that shows someone you thought of them and care about them.

I'd apologise if I were you-and try and mend the relationship where you can. She's his mother-whatever you think of her-and the reality is-she's not going anywhere and will always hold a special, important place in his life. That means she's in your life, like it or lump it. It's up to you if you want that relationship with her to be tense and strained or you want to try and make it work for all of you.

I'd just think of the lunches as one less job he fobs off on you!

I don’t know about all of this really. MN seems very upset about adult children who have a close relationship with their parents, especially if it’s men and their mum.

My DM used to visit her parents every morning Mon-Fri. She’d go out with my Nan on errands and then Nan would make mum toast and coffee while she chatted to granddad.

Is that also inappropriate and “emeshed”?! Or is it ok because my mum is female?

I just don’t see an issue. Some families are closer than others and that’s ok.

I can understand women whose whole identity was “mum” struggling to let go a bit even as adults, and I can see how continuing to make food is an act of love. Because that’s how we’re taught to nurture isn’t it? It’s a form of societal conditioning that feels comforting and loving.

I think the problem comes when either the MIL resents the DIL and makes jibes, or else the DIL misinterprets comments and takes them as a dig. We don’t know which one applies here.

However the OP admits to “wanting to be bitchy” and comes across as quite combative, imo. I’d be willing to believe that the MIL is just demonstrative and close to her DS, and DIL bristles at what she sees as unwanted “help”.

I have dealt with someone before who was determined to try and point score and prove their relationship was closer/better/more intimate. This wasn’t a MIL/DP situation though. I dealt with it by refusing to engage. I was confident and secure about my relationship with the individual and I felt no need to engage in a power struggle with someone else. So every time they made a comment, I chose to interpret it as if it were genuine and I refused to get drawn in to try and “win”. Best decision I ever made. The stupid comments reduced and I just didn’t give it any head space. No need.

OP. If you’re not happy with the amount of time your DH spends with his DM, you need to have a talk. It sounds as if that’s the issue here really rather than your MIL making lunch - and it may be that you and DH have different opinions on what a healthy family dynamic looks like. I don’t believe there’s a wrong answer but if you’re very different better to solve it now before you even consider DC. Things will become even more heightened then so you need to sort this out now properly rather than just spiteful sniping.

Why can't she make a packed lunch for her son? What a lot of fuss about nothing. As for fighting over the man - grow up, it's not a contest.

You need to learn to pick your battles, being told that she makes him a packed lunch sometimes warranted no response at all. Eight years together isn’t that long, he’s 43, what other long term relationships has he had and was his mother part of the reason for the split? You’re playing a dangerous game already thinking about insisting on moving if you start a family, he sees her daily and if you think she was manipulative crying over your unnecessary comment brace yourself for niagra falls if you tell her you’re moving. Personally I wouldn’t give her the satisfaction of rising to her comments, maybe give it a try, be the bigger person. It takes two people to have an argument, take a moment and think about what you and his mother actually sound like to an observer. You’re both putting the man you both claim to love in between a rock and a hard place. And as for this comment
I told him he could sleep there too because I felt like being bitchy to him. Because I was angry that its Saturday evening, and what's happening? That's right, he will spend it having dinner with his mother because she cried.
I don't know, maybe I need to do crying more often?
you can’t even see that you’re giving her exactly what she wants, you effectively handed him to her on a plate. You need to change or you will end up splitting up over your relationship with his mother.

OP you sound horrible

Crikey!

"I don’t know about all of this really. MN seems very upset about adult children who have a close relationship with their parents, especially if it’s men and their mum."

Yep. On mumsnet it's absolutely fine for a woman to be close with her mum and even see her daily but if it's a man he has to 'cut the apron strings' and 'realise he's a father now' and 'prioritise his own little family'...and other such statements that tear men apart for daring to have a relationship with their mother that wifey resents. Even if she has a close relationship with her own mum.
Very sexist and controlling but it's encouraged on here.

You can add me to that list. I don’t intend on ever having another relationship and I’ve never been so settled with my peace of mind as I have now, being completely single. I’m not bitter or angry or pinched of face, I’m just free to make all my decisions in life without having to deal with the whims and moods of another person anymore. It’s been seven years of singledom and I love it. I might consider another relationship at some point but only if they have their own property (they won’t be living in mine) and preferably live far enough away we’re not in each other’s pockets.

If MiL is 60 and her son 43 she was very young when she had him which may be why her dependence on him is higher than someone who had their child in their thirties. She hasn’t really known anything else but being his mother. Not saying that excuses any overbearing behaviour but being a widow may also be adding to her dependency. I’m the same age as MiL and even though I have very beloved sons myself I’m very independent (but I still like to fuss over them if they let me).

Yes, I don’t see anyone on here saying him doing her gardening is a challenge to women’s gardening skills.

I had the impression that the visits were on the way to work. And I’m wondering if there is a vulnerability that the OP hasn’t mentioned. By her own admission DP does a lot for his mother, but 60 isn’t too old to be doing her own gardening etc., so I’m wondering if something else is going on.

There are some very nasty and mischievous mums replying to this post. You snapped in a stressful moment! Your MIL sounds insecure and clingy. Try not to take her attitude to seriously because (as you rightly say) you are her sons future.

You sound awful!

Does your MiL speak English? If not could you express your annoyance or frustration with her in English so you get it out of your system but she can’t directly react to it?